The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Ali as ususal your posts give me a altenate perspective of growth and healing.

I am just checking in. I used to be able to say I am not updated but it seems there are much less posts and members.

My update is I am scared to say but good, I got so much accomplished last week and felt so good. I was scared to push in fear of a set back. I dont know what was wrong with me but it was physical spiritual and mental.

I left my mother in a tearful mode like when I found her on floor. I hugged her and told her not to cry, not to worry dont be sad because it makes me sad. she asked for candy. I promised to bring her a nice piece of cake which I have bought.

Dont know what I will find when I get home. But I am so thankful to feel good inside and out. aside from the hip.

This forum is a life saver for me in so many ways, thank you all for sharing.

Happy Easter. Love and healing to all.

Hi, this is an FYI update. I have found and my wife has found relief from eye strain from being on the computer too long through buying anti-blue ray glasses which do work. I found the ones that block 99%, but my wife got the ones that block 90%. Blue rays from the computer screen hurt our eyes and reduce the amount of natural melatonin in our bodies that help us to fall asleep at night. BTW, the same ones you see on Amazon are much cheaper than you can find on eBay.

Yoda, that's interesting. I haven't heard of blue light affecting the eyes. The glare does bother my eyes though. But I don't think that is blue light.

How long have you used the glasses? Do they help much?

Polarbear,

My wife and I have had ours a week and they are great. My physical therapist likes them, but her husband who has to work all day on the computer finds them to be very helpful. Here is some information that I found online plus a link to an article.

"An overabundance of blue light from ever-present computers and cell phones can cause daytime fatigue and upset our natural rhythms. While there’s no strong scientific evidence that blue light from digital devices causes damage to your eyes, there is a growing concern that blue light can have long-term effects on our health. "

https://wexnermedical.osu.edu/blog/blue-light-and-vision

Hello everyone, today has been a very sad day for me. I want to share a great memory with you, some may remember me sharing this when it first happened.

in April of 2013, we moved our mom into assisted living. Memory care would not have a room available for a couple weeks. mymom had her dog Midget with her since she could still take of her

i had gone over to the factory get my mom a shower. I put clean clothes out on her bed, turned on the shower. When I returned to the bedroom, my moms socks were gone. Midget had taken her socks and was stuffing them in between the couch cushions. I got the socks back , came back, came back in the bedroom, my mom had put away the clothes. This placed out 3 times repeating until I shut the bedroom door. It was like a Laural and Hardy movie. Finally my mom got a shower.

sadly I had to put Midget down today due to kidney failure. She would have been 13 in July. This is a normal life span a small poodle.

this is my best and favorite memory of Midget and my mom together. Losing Midget has been hard because of the connection to me mom. She had a great life and was very loved.

Sharyn, what a fun story to remember and read. I do remember you writing about midget. I am so sorry.

Sharyn, so sorry about Midget. It must have been so hard to have to part with Midget. I can't imagine. Dogs truly are man's best friend and family.

I also have a poodle, a mini poodle, Sandy. She helped save my sanity during the most difficult times with my mom. I love her so much. I dread the day I have to do what you did for Midget.

So sorry Sharyn. Have a good cry and think about the good memories of Midget.

Oh Sharyn, I am sorry. May she be chasing socks instead of rabbits in Heaven.

Sharyn,

Our dogs become part of our family. It’s terribly sad to lose them.

I miss having a dog so much. My mini schnauzer and greyhound lived to be 13 years old.

We are never ready to say goodbye to them.

I miss having a dog but don’t think that I can go through losing one again so I haven’t gotten another one.

They bring us so much joy and all they want in return is to be loved. I can tell that you loved your pooch with all your heart.

So sorry for your loss. Midget sounds like she was a special little dog.

Take care.

RIP Midget. So happy your mom, and you, had her, Sharyn. She sounds like she was a very fun dog. I remember you writing about Midget often several years ago. Sorry for your loss. I'm sure it's a very sentimental time for you. (((((hugs)))))

Ali, you are correct, the attachment to Midget included my mom. It’s like I lost another piece of my mom. It’s harder this time because of the memories associated with my mom. It will get better.
NHWM, yes, they are a part of our family. It is so hard to put them down, but all the years of love and companionship they give is worth it for me. It’s a personal choice.
countrymouse, you are so correct, she is chasing socks for eternity.

Polar bear, just love your little Sandyand enjoy her. They are so worth the time.

RIP little doggy!
I remember Midget.
She is so much a part of your Mom's story, and your story.
So sad for your loss. 🐶

I am so sorry about Midget.. it is so hard to lose them. But perhaps in time you will be ready to get another dog, who will bask in all that love you gave Midget and return it to you.

sharyn - ((((((hugs)))))) I know this brings back memories of your mum. Midget was very much part of your family. Hope they are together again now. The kitties will keep you company. Don't you haver a larger dog as well or do I have that wrong? Take care. These losses aren't easy.

Sharyn, pet grief is like no other. I watch Cottage Country network and they have a lot of shows where they follow veterinarians around and film them doing their job. One in particular I really enjoy is Dr. Fitzpatrick Supervet. This man is a marvel. He is absolutely brilliant in my opinion. Doesn't hurt that he is Irish and has that twinkle in his eye. Whenever someone comes in and is upset he always says "pets just become part of your DNA don't they"

That connection to your mom makes it even harder I know. My mom took care of my kitties when we travelled and I know I'll always think of that when they leave this world.

My heart goes out to you.

Gershun, you are very right! I’m so may ways we can give love and share emotions with our pets that we find to be difficult with people we love. It’s al, about the unconditional love.

Golden, yes it is like losing my mom al, over again. It is not the same but very similar. I will move through it but it is different than losing my kitties. Part of it is because I know cat health well enough to recognize the signs. I’ve never had a dog before so it was very unexpected. Yes we have a 3-1/2 year old golden retriever. He is my hubs dog primarily, but he loves me too. He has to go outside with me every time I go out in the yard. If I don’t acknowledge him,he cries until I do.

pam, yes midget was a character. She stole my personal belongings and hid them between the couch cushions and under pillows. Socks were her favorite. She never destroyed anything, just hid them.

Send, yes Midget is a big part of my and my moms story on here. That little dog got into my heart.

I started having ear pain last week but with everything going on with Midget I did t go to the dr plus it wasn’t severe. It did go in today. It’s all sinus inflammation related. I have to use a nettie pot 2x a day, Flonase once a day and a humidifier at night. The climate here is very, very dry.


Thank you everyone for understanding about Midget and the connection to my mother. It means a lot to me to know that so many get that connection.

Greetings, everyone. I have great news! My mother got homecare yesterday.

Sharyn, so sorry for you loss. Midget RIP, I hope she is in heaven with your mom.

I have been off line for quite a while. This forum is always in my heart. So many things I shared in my mind the past few weeks.

Although the only thing that has changed in the craziness is that we got homecare. They came on the 3/05 and then again on last Friday. MG the guardian manager says she called my twisted and she said she could not make it even though she was home. She called her twice after that with no answer. So she revealed her true self and intentions. I broke down last friday when I heard this because of a life time of the unfairness. I am so glad I did not try and retaliate on so many wrongs. the flying monkey DN I dont see and the oldest one is still cordial.

I cant explain how it feels to finally have help. For some reason my mothers 90 year old friend of many years came by and he said my energy was much younger than my age. I am feeling stronger. Much wiser, and a work in progress. Finally some help after all these years.

Meanwhile its seems my mother took well with the aide. So far so good. Please keep us in prayer.

Stay well and safe. Rays of love and healing.

DD, do you mean to say that mom now has a home attendent, or thay you have home health (like a visiting nurse and podiatry) coming in? Either is great news, just wanted to clarify.

Great news and hang in!

Some good news!

1. Wife and I have had both vaccination shots.

2. Wife has regained interest in life which is great.

3. My psychiatrist reduced the level of my anti-anxiety med due to a bad side effect. I may save some of the old prescription for when I have to be around my brother in law who has the same impact on my wife and our sons.

4. It is sure good to have the extra money from my wife's inheritance from her deceased mother's trust fund given all the repairs and other needed things.

5. Our economics major son has taught me how to use various credit cards for the most cash back or useful points that I can actually use. I have learned from others that I am not alone in doing this.

6. My planters fasciitis is finally healing.

7. I have an awesome endocrinologist who is a full doctor in contrast to the student doctor I was most recently seeing. The one before him was great. She was top in her class and was not self-conscious like this new person. At 63, I don't feel like raising a doctor. Sorry, I just don't.

Sad to say my weight is not a good news report.

Yoda, 7 out of 8 is GREAT 😁

Self care! 1st shingles shot in the books today.

Yes Barb! Home attendant 12 hrs a day 7 days a week! Praise God!!.

Outside of the adjustment to being displaced, Its just wonderful. I feel like I am a visitor.

So much more work as I have to be there in support of the cleaning and organizing. Its coming along good and amazingly I am doing well with the stress and the physical demands.

I had a few words with the aide. There was something off in my spirit when I met her on Monday. I do my best to make sure she is comfortable and I spend more time down there. Wednesday a new aide came for one day and we got her in the tub. My mother is a fighter and very strong. She will get to scratching and it scared me a tad seeing how hard she was going at it, worrying that she could have a serious issue.

Back to the aide, one morning when I came down she said the light needs a bulb. I say which one and she snapped that one which one do you think. So I was twisted and told her in so many ways my tolerance is very short. I I was doing a lot of running back and forth. Later I told her my concern that if she speaks to me that way how was she with my mother when they were alone. She was like we are good! she just doesnt talk much. Then I told her I am not her child(seems we are same age or I am older) and I speak with her with respect and I expect the same from her. Whew!! Is the universe and planets off or doing some strange stuff? Yikes and being a scapegoat it breaks my heart to tell people off and set them straigth. Holding all that stuff in has made me sick in so many ways.

Next day I bought her lunch and gave her money for a cab. She is doing hard work and I am so very grateful but it does not make me blind to certain dynamics. Basically its such a relief and in a sense embarrassing to have some one clean your "dirty Laundry".

So I am all happy dorie and then wednesday as I am letting out the temporary aide my nephew comes in and introduces himself. His mother is there also but she stayed in the hall. After I let aide out. DN came back down with mother behind all in my face saying this was my fault also. and how embarrassing it is. I was like forget embarrassing its a shame this family got here. Made him aware that his mother had me blocked from ma care and she neglected to address her medical issues and need. So tell me what I did wrong. I also renminded him how she deserted them, and betrayed me as well as my motherl. Then she starts video. I was fit to be tied.

So much going on but now there is a witness but twisted is a beautiful liar and manipulator. No telling what extent she will go to to look pretty and place the blame on me.

Also in being the scapegoat I had taken on this tolerance for disrespect because it has always been a major issue in my life. After that weakness and sickness I seem to have lost tolerance for manipulation period even on the job.

My client mother has always been manipulative and has done shady things. I need my job and I tolerate a lot. We even do laundry and fold and put things away. I have made it clear its not my job but I have a lot of down time so I dont make it an issue. But she sits on couch all day on tablet. and just does a lot a lazy stuff and now I am feeling like leaving because she has started trying to tell the nurses how to document and how many pages of notes to write so she can look good via insurance. She will have to switch to new Medicaid program and they will not allow 24hr RN so she gets these seizure logs and wants us to write a note when her pulse rate goes over 80. Its almost degrading for her to have the nurses writing 3 pages, I refused adamantly and we have been going at it today she just practically called me a liar because her o2 sats are 100%. Then she sent a msg on chat on using intermittent and not check continent and incontinent. I was like she is off chain. There is already a problem with getting nurses I have been here the longest and I am ready to go. I mean I dont have any real benefits. I could get my hip surg

Yoda,

#2 is the best news. Very happy for you and her.
#4 is always good. $$$
#8 join a gym. I can't wait till the local gym with a pool is open.

Dd, great news about the aide!

I see that your sister and nephew seem to be trying to provoke you and then video an outburst from you. Don't fall for it.

You're an RN, yes? Aren't there lots of jobsbfor RNs right now in NYC? Like the VA? HHC? Maimo?

Hey DDDuck,

I'm glad to hear it's working out for you. I know all to well what it's like to be born and raised to be a family scapegoat on everything.
The only difference is that you stayed quiet and didn't fight back for a long time. With me I would fly into a towering rage that can make birds fall from the sky and always have since I was a little kid. My mother designated me the family scapegoat to take all the world's blame when I was about 5 or 6 years old. Mostly everyone thinks that's just a rotten brat kid acting up, but some people realize what went on. They don't say or do anything though.
I accepted a long time ago what my family is like. I'm the ringleader's (my mother's) sole caregiver too. I learned a long time ago not to respond with rage and anger when my mother tries to set me up. She's addicted to the pity and attention from other people. Getting your child to throw a horrific tantrum enabled her to enjoy behaving viciously behind closed doors building up for the explosion. No one sees that. They only see a rotten brat kid having a tantrum or a mean, ingrate adult with no respect for their parent. She's known for a long time that if she crosses me in any way, I'm done. She's enough of a narcissist to realize that getting her basic needs met is more important than getting her fix of pity and attention from others.
Good news for you getting some good homecare for your mother. That's a big help to you too.
I've had homecare clients where I would work in absolute silence. I'd get the work done but if they acted up in some ways they would be totally ignored by me in other ways. I would not speak to them, would not sit down with them during meals, and would not even acknowledge their presence. The clients get it when their caregiver/companion does this and they get their behavior in check.
You've got good caregiving for your mom and the caregiver probably uses the same approaches I do.
Believe me when I say, the nurses are just humoring your mother with her dictating page after page of notes. They couldn't care less about her instruction.

Bburnt the nurse notes and manipulation is from my clients mother. She is a true narcissist. We have had pow woes over the years and she has given me good advice over years and Visa versa. She has taken things to a new level. She is afraid of losing 24hr RN as my client is now an adult. I will clarify Its horrible trying to type on phone.

Barbs yes to your questions also vaccine positions. 3 RNs have left to go to HHC which I am due a pension at 65.

I am hoping the storm blows over
I have been investigating options.
I had to vent.

Duck, I’m happy to hear you have some home health care to help with your mom. It is so hard doing what you do plus working. I’m so sorry your twisted sister and DN put in video cameras. You could also do the same while you are at work. No evidence of your sister caregiving.

thank you everyone regarding the loss of my doggie. She is missed even by our golden retriever.

the most exciting thing in my life right now, haha!, is a female duck made a nest in our front flower bed. Last count was 10 eggs. I believe she is a mallard, very common here in Idaho. The neighbors across the street from us have an irrigation canal that runs along the backyard. Ducks and California quail are abundant there. We are not using the front door, going out through the garage door to our cars and mama duck accepts that. We shall see if the eggs hatch, I would love to see her leading the ducklings to the canal.

I received my second covid dose today. So far I have not grown horns🤣😂.

havea good peaceful week and do something for yourself that is calming.

Hi all.

So the job thing is blown over. Just please please please let it stay that way. I was very twisted last night.
We have had run ins/. Mom is tricky, Ive seen her even told her she needs to stop certain things with the nurses. She is a narcissist and she pits us against each other. I dont fall for it, I just say I dont have anything to do with what the other nurses do or how. Sometimes I train and then stay late to help a new nurse and sometimes she tries to use me to discipline or correct something she doesnt like and I tell her its not my job, I am not a supervisor.

I really miss this last am RN because we were both hip to her antics and it was a relief to share and vent and learn the new schemes of her manipulationl.

But now with all this going on with my mother, adjusting to the aide, being displaced, haveng my usuall moments with my mother in front of an aide. Trying to help help her grow in this too. Its too much for me to be concerned about this women. I get paid by the agnency and they have no problem with my documentation.

I have worked ER, IC and other units and my note for the patient would be maybe half a progress note. One page if there was an incident. I will not be micro managed by someone who does not pay me and is not experienced in my profession. I think its clear now. We broke the ice. There are times we have hugged.

I am just glads its smoothed out because this whole thing is stress city.

I also want to share I started takeing this supplement an her called rohdalia, Its good for the nervous system, energy and depression I started taking it about a week before i started getting over my weak state a few weeks ago. Anyways,
my hip is a tad better, I walk a tad better. I am doing things help aide that should have worn me out. I just know I am thankful and maybe that help.
Thanks for listening to my turmoil and crazy.

Rays of love to all.

Sharyn I think its an awesome honor to have a duck nesting her eggs at your home.
I saw video on FB where duck made nest in a man's planter on his patio and it was cute. Didnt shows eggs hatched just that fury feather stuff and him giving mom some greens and being cool with him working by her side.

My sister used her phone to video me in my rage at nephew. You know bait me then film me. No wig and looking crazy. when she me with guardian and supervisor I overheard her telling them she had a tape so I guess now she does and it does not even bother me its just further shows her sickness. her narcissist spirit was exposed in the court and with the homecare 2nd visit for intake when she told CM that she would be home and would not be coming down. Then didnt answer her phone for two calls. So she was not there for second intake and I showed them where she still had the channels blocked. When I learned that she refused to be involved with the process I broke down again. Because she exposed herself and now her devious manipulating lies and pretense was exposed. I asked the guardian if she saw her petition for guradian ship she says she didnt I plan to send her that bunch of lies.

A lifetime of her BS and my mothers and now my mothers demise has me a walking waterfall sometimes. Sometimes I see any type of affection and it moves my heart to tears. I hate to see anyone suffer and these days with so much going on and so many homeless I find myself buying meal while in MCD or BK getting my lunch or just making sure I have a few singles .

I am glad my sister avoids me. I can imagine her building up her magnificent story to present to aide to hide her shame. As far as I know she does not do much contact with my mother, and that may change for a minute but not for long.

I am so glad to be able to vent.

I pray everyone and members of this forum are all well and good and in good spirit. (((HUGS))) no hearts MUH to all.