The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Gray rock, Duck, gray rock.
https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

Don't let twisted or DN do this to you. They are getting exactly what they want.

Duck, mama mallard now has 11 eggs in her nest. We are doing what we can to accommodate her but occasionally scare her away. I need to water a small tree we planted a couple weeks ago, I’m hoping if we approach the tree from the sidewalk with a 5 gallon bucket of water, it won’t disturb her. Of course we have a home owners association (HOA);I am hoping they do not get after us because we aren’t tending to everything without disturbing mama mallard. I know she Is a mallard because I saw her with one wing extended and it had the blue/green teal colored feathers on the wings.

stay strong Duck, don’t let your sister make you look bad. Like I suggested, put in your own cameras to catch her in the act.

sending you encouragement and strength.

Oh thank you so much Sharyn for the encouragement. Sometimes I feel all alone which is the truth acutally.

Maybe give mama mallard some greens and water nearby so she doesnt have to leave her nest too often. Its going to be awesome to see the babies. I forget what it is called but the first thing they see is what they attach themselves to. I was amazed the first time I saw one and and heard it quack. Such a picture of nature to see them in a row behind mother. Blue teal green feathers sounds pretty. Higher power sending you some uplifting beauty.

I remember reading some book, a major theme being there are no coincidences and I believe that.

Funny on my way to work yesterday I caught elevator at last stop on train and held it for a woman I saw comming. I started coughing, the sinus drainage and itching in throat is terrible. The woman turns around, I am double mask and tell her the cough is chronic form the volunteering at the WTC. I was like no way!!! She says she has never been the same since that day. I asked if she was in the health program she says no. I says it covers my related issues and scripts thank goodness as I have poor insurance. She- where do you work. Me - agency low on totem poll rn pay poor benefits. She- Human Resource Director for a city clinic. Lpn positions. Although I am not planning to leave my job it was an awesome coincidence? I saved the info.

I know I am in for some trickery from my sister with the aide. It depends on her mind set and it seems she doesn not want to get involved with the family dynamics. My mother gave her a way to go I find her glasses on floor in kitchen one lenses out.

Its time for me to finish my morning work. I will update next week becuase its hard to type on my phone.

Rays of love to all.

duck - you have accomplished sooo much for your mum!!!! As the others say -don't fall for the bait your sis presents. Have you found a therapist to help you deal with the family garbage? You have too much crazy going on. ((((hugs))))

sharyn - what fun to see the duck family. I gather your pets don't disturb mother duck. She is brave!

I just haven't hard the energy to post much, but things are pretty good, other than oldest son still going through a rough time. My dd got one shot, her hub is on a list, R got one, so slowly we are getting immunized, but case counts in town are higher than ever and variant infections are more than half of new cases in the province. Not sure where that is going, but we will just continue to stay as safe as possible.

Take care all. These are strange times.

Ahh Golden, Thank you, I have missed you posting, glad you are keeping safe and that you are good. I understand about not having the energy to post.

Last night I did this long post (my usual when in distress) so when I finished, I realized that the process of venting really helped me clarify my issues which never happens untill after I write this long book.

Anyways I lost the post and it bothered me because it had so much of my concerns in it.

Now, even though I remember the issues and in a way processed them I dont know where to begin so I will keep it basic.

Sharyn how is the duck family. Imagine that, imagine if she comes back every year. I heard or read somewhere that if birds are around your house it means its peaceful or a blessing something positive like that.

So I am going to skip over some details. Its a serious adjustment, I feel displaced and no privacy everytime I use toilet or shower which is daily I have to go pass an aide. Now a new aid came thursday and my mother started crying. So I boo hoo'd with her. I was telling her I know its hard adjusting I was feeling the same way one new face and now another.

The Aid named Joan same as my mother is a tornado in cleaning. So I had to say like if its obviously something good dont throw it out. I came to terms that this is the cleaning process, she says thats what they told her to do. Its awesome and overwhelming at the same time. Every day she works I see a new thing or change. I had to check her maybe the third day about how she spoke to me. I cant remeber if I posted it and I dont want to lose this investment (lol).
Anyways this is now the third week.

The guardian supervisor called and ask how I was getting along and then mentioned that one of the aide complained about me eating the food she cooked for my mother. I was totally done.'

Now I have shopping off the hook asking J what she likes to eat so she can cook it for my mother and her self. When she cooked she told me to take some and I only took like a taster it. Then another day a little more but never enough to hold me down as a meal. Now I think the problem is with Eva. Who was not cooking asking me what she could give my mother and talking to joan on the =lphone and joan told her to give my mother some steak that she cooked but I didnt know she had made it.

Now on Joans last day I make a bake chicken and sweet potatoes. I fixed a plate for my mother, my self and one for the freezer and left the rest for J to fix for her self. What I left was gone the nextday so when E went to serve my other the steak I told her that it was old thinking it was something J had cooked earlier in the week. So here was my error. I spent time down there and I had some fish in freezer which she asked if she could cook, I was like sure whatever she want to use or cook for my mother feel free. I asked if she like fish she says yes., I said if I by shrimp and fish would she cooki she says yes. So I got whiting, salmon, and shrimp. told her and I fried some pork chops and left one for my mother and went on up stairs. next day the things I got were in bag in freezer and I was like ok I got it and no problem. So I feel a little funny about that because no way was I thinking these women were going to cook for me. I wish I posted my post last nigt because I was expressing my frustraiton feeling displaced and having to work around them every thing i moved and other things.

Oh the whole I am so grateful and tried to show my apprcieation asking them what they like to eat not for me but because they are cooking for my mother so I can buy it and they can both eat.

so I know I have a long ways to go. But on the whole I have been moved to tears to see what J is doing and even my mother is changed. I also had tried to post where she has now fought with both aides. I guess she was tired of being bossed around by me now these other two.

I will ask for a mild sedative when we finally get to MD amongst other thing.

I had started to get depressed but now I feel better. I feel bad that the one Eva felt I wanted her to cook meals for me. I already go W to come and start working on my bathroom so i can shower and not have to use my mothers bathroom. Actually I started cleaning around one but by the time the other came I was burnt out of enery. When i finish cooking or whatever I clean as usuall so now with this food thing I guess one or the other or both will feel like they are cleaning becaue I use the bathroom.

Well thats my dilemma for the moment. I have no tolerance for disrespect from my clients mom. It bothers me but I just cant take anymore. Some how my essence refuses to to the scapegoat mode and let things ride. Its like I am a B and someone I should have been way way back.


Oh and btw, I am planning to write the irs a later requesting an abatement of penalties and interest. Does anyone have any advice on this subject...

Rays of love and healing to us all.

"Muh" to everyone.

Caregiving for my mother has been one of the most taxing, depleting areas in my life.

I cant help but look back on how I was treated and programed to be the scape goat. So many other ugly things and situations.

To see the same spirit played out by my sister and how this whole thing has turned out.

I still have no real control over my mothers situation but a lot of responsibility and care for the best for her.

It seems as though no one else is present as usual so why in the world am I caring about this.

Anyways I have to express how much this forum and the "whine" helped me keep my sanity and grow throw all the chaos and pain.

So many wonderful folk sharing and caring and extending hope and love. God Bless and Keep you all.

I have gained so much confidence and faith from witnessing powerful journeys in the lives of people in the forum or through revelation of similar and even worse scenarios.

To tell the truth I am scared, I am stepping into a new realm of life for me and my mother, In so many ways I want out. I know I am my mothers main support, I try and kiss her and hugg her and let her know I am there.

So far so good. Long lonely road for me and I know I havent hit the ruff spots.

Thanks for lending an ear.

((((HUGS))))

Rays of love and peace to all.

DDD, just sent you a PM with regard to IRS requests.

Hello. I am new to this site. Wondering if there is anyone else out there dealing with a mother who is either diagnosed medically or by you with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
All of the abuse and dysfunction in the family stems from her having BPD.
In feeling stressed and burned out being her only caregiver.

Duck you are doing well and have grown so much. We have to unlearn what was put upon us as children and continued as we grew to be adults. It isn't easy, in fact it is very hard, especially when we are in such close contact with those who hurt us originally. You deserve to be out of this. Your mum is now more and more looked after by others. I could survive only by keeping my contact with my mother and my sister to the minimum necessary for mother's care and by having a separate life that they had little to do with. Eventually, as you know, after mother died, I cut all contact with my sister. I am glad I did. Planning some kind of life for yourself would be a good thing, Your mother is declining. I am sure she knows you care for her. (((((((hugs))))))

BPDagingmom - welcome to the forum and this thread, My mother was diagnosed formally twice with BPD in her 90s. She passed a couple of years ago aged 106. I was 80 at that time. It has been a long journey. I had diagnosed her years before informally.

I know something of the challenges you are facing. No doubt you were at least emotionally and verbally abused as a child and are as an adult. Number one you have to look after yourself. Set boundaries - not to change her but to protect you. Learn the "grey rock" method" https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

Your mother is toxic to you so limit contact with her. You will never please her or do things well enough so decide for yourself what you can manage. Don't be manipulated or guilted into doing more. No doubt you are burned out - you have too much on your plate. Never ever take her into your home and do let her know that is not an option. You are not obliged to be her caregiver.

Do you really have to go there every day or other day? Don't feel sorry for her - she will use that to get you to do more for her. Your life matters too. (((((hugs)))))

BPD, welcome aboard, you are certainly not alone. I always say and I mean it when I say it, that there is wealth of wisdom and understanding to be found in this forum. Just the sharing and seeing I am not alone in this crazy journey helps my sanity.

Golden, I needed to hear your words of encouragement. I thank you because they grounded me. Sometimes I forget where I have been in my journey, and forget how things were worked out and taken care of sometimes in a very profound spiritual way, where I overcame roadblocks and tribulation. In the mist of turmoil I forget that and I needed to hear that from you, today because I had another serious hell day this morning.

I worked 14hrs and got off work with a severe sinus headache and elevated blood pressure. with one more night (tonight) and then Id be off.


Bare with me now, I came in say hi to J the aide she grunts, The love seat is pushed in front of the door I made quick choice not to ask why but push loveseat back which is heavy its a sofa bed. So now the sewer line has spewed back up the toilet and tub, old toilet tissues now a grey slippery mess. I ask J what happened. To the effect that I know what happened but wonder if she witnessed this event, curious on how it presented. but anyway she yell at me again. What kind of nonsense question is that I am asking her, and other words ending with she came in and found the place like this. So I respond that all of that was not necessary that's all she had to say in the first place. On top of that she could have said you got a surprise in the kitchen or even called and say its an issue in here. I dont know but I call supervisors and lawyer this woman has to go.

It became clear that she called the agency and they were sending out the repair people. While I was on the train I got call from Tonya and told her I would call her back as soon as I was off the train.

I came directly upstairs, my head and neck killing me to take meds and call with my complaints. Tonya the repair woman says they would be here and 3pm I say great because there is an issue here the sewer backed up again in the kitchen. She knew. So I am like great.

I am exhausted to go into detail but they came looked at repairs, My twisted came down and exposed her true colors again. Its so sad. Long story

Anyways I called my mothers lawyer the guardian supervisor. the case manager came and I am talking to her and I was like would you want someone taking care of your mother who yells at you. with no filter and lashes out with stress. She does not have to feed me or take care of me so what happens when my mothers makes her frustrated and a pot boils over or the toilet backs up. Its crazy.

Any ways I am not going to stop until this woman is gone. I have lived with this type spirit in my sister I cannot have it from anyone person more let alone a stranger who is caring for my mother who cant not communicate. I am so done with thi9s

'Good thing like I said my sister getting exposed. But there is no satisfaction or resolvement because nothing has change she still on her but and I am still hustling and fighting for my mother who treated me like waste products. Not only that but I am alone and my hands are tied again in reference to my mothers care. I made clear how happy and awesome the help has been but I cannot overlook the other dynamics. I pray this gets resolved with out me making crazy fuss.

Not to mention getting sick coughing and coughing till I threw up than walking out after I clear up to find the farce of a sister the queen of lies holding court. The repair supervisor and coordinator both were not deceived and spoke on it.

Then, earlier as I was trying to rest and bird kept scratching at the window. I thought it was a rat crawling out side. then I see its a bird scratching and holding on the wall of my window on third floor. I was like is this an omen omg.
Rays of love to all please keep us in prayer.

Hi all. Repairs are in the works, exterminator came. There is rat infestation in area. Neighbors on each side have engaged warfare which sends them our way as well as the main entry point the sewer line. There was hole in line it has all been replaced. I have agreed to a conference with aide and her supervisor next week. I deeply appreciate her work with .y mother and dedication throughout the rats and cleaning. Feeling guilty in the mist of seeing her with my mother. Maybe we can resolve this. But a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, hatred and manipulation that for some reason I could not phantom and still can't in so many ways, makes me weary of trusting but open to give it a try to resolve issues. Although I feel insulted at giving this lack of moral and basic boundaries and principle a benefit of my doubt and misinterpretation. I will not and cannot do an acceptance and repeat of my sister and mother even if it seems positive.
I have much love in my heart for you all to be able to express and share and vent through this process. So much to address.
I pray for guidance and strength.

This time last year Jean passed on. The Wednesday before Mother's day. I was putting away things in the shed and felt something push my arm down. I spoke out after feeling something amiss as I cooked. Like please I sense this spirit but it was driving me crazy. I miss her and the last thing she said when we last spoke was to read psalm 37. Which she always said and I always read and it always helped.
So thinking of her and other loved ones who I wanted to call in this trial has me thankful to have had the honor of their love.
As I am thankful for the honor of a spiritual blessing of connecting to this forum and the blessing of growth strength, inspiration, hope, guidance, and love I have experienced though some wonderful beautiful angels and souls through input sharing and just being.

Happy Mother's Day Muh!!! (((HUGS)))) LOVE!!!!❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Hi everyone. Where is everybody on this thread?! Well I am hoping everyone had a pleasant Mother's Day. I know its a hard day for us all especially with precious memories.

I am going to have a sit down with the HHA and her supervisor on Wednesday. I just feel a certain way about her. I was almost bought to tears. The care and improvement to my mother has been awesome what I see anyways. But I just cannot bare anymore animosisty and disregard in my life.

I can remember my mother seeming to be insulted if I asked her anything like where something is or where did she put something. It took a while to get it but I got it and I am getting the same spirit from this woman.


I just cant see my self doing this again. I already have my sister issues, feel outcasted by her and her sons. The oldest one who stepped to me last week came in with his mother. And I called him several times and he ignored me. I wanted to give him a hug and let him know I still loved him after this agrument fueled by my sister.

I suspect the younger DN the police officere is sick or in hospital because his hasnt been around in months and I see my sister and the oldest coming in together.

Anyway I should be over this sistuation but Iam not it still hurt my heart. It did,

So I already have enough strife in my life and I dont need anymore and I already spoke in a nice way to this woman and she lost it again and I do not feel comfortable about that or her issue with communication.

By the way the sewer line has been replaced a hole in the line was the entry point for the rats. Exterminator came and checked front and back and floors.
He also stated that the neighbors either side and accross the street have had exterminators and it probably sent rats our way. Also the church across the street is also a pantry.

And also on Wednesday after the work was finished the guardian manager NG called me stating the aide expressed concerned that my mothers feet were swelled from rat bites. Check her daily I was insulted not only that but she has yet to set up the medical appointment.

I am not pushing because I am dealing with the stress of adjjustment to the help and the repairs as well as my mother and because she was stable after the emergency room visit. At that point she had not seen a doctor in a few years. Its like I have two jobs. I am massaging and putting compression stockings on my days off. So many issues and things to addressed.

Saturday I was so depressed and felt so alone. I dont have a present support system. I even called the spop people expressing I still need the service..

Well the beat goes on and I am trying keep my head above water.



Rays of love and healing,

Duck; please imagine going to work everyday in a rat and sewage-infested home. With a combative and demented elder whose relatives are at war with each other.

I know this situation is not of your making and you are trying your best for your mom (why you have anything to do with her confounds me, but you are still there).

There aides are on the lowest rung of the employment totem pole, but most of them get to work in relatively nice homes with working plumbing.

I would have some compassion for these ladies and go the extra mile to communicate effectively, leave them out of the family drama and tell them how much you appreciate their help and concern.

Yes, if there are rats, someone should make sure your mother hasn't got bites. If someone calls to express concern about that, "yes, I would love to have mom checked out for that. Can someone come to the home to examine her?"

Duck, this is NOT about you, the blame game, or who said/did what to whom. If you are going to stay in this muck and mire of a situation, look at the situation through your professional lens and get the best for your mom, knowing that she will not appreciate it and no one will give you credit.

You are going to have to be satisfied with knowing yourself that you are doing your best.

Barb, the naked truth hurts a little but its truth. Dang you hit so many truths. Thank you for the reminders, things I think on but dare not say. LIke how my mother was to me and how I feel like she is reaping what she sowed but me like her little fool still trying to fight the good fight and getting my butt beat down.

Well there is more to the drama. Bottom line is the clean up people are coming to do the entire house starting wednesday 930 am to saturday. I was on phone with the repair person this am to set up dates for repair estimates and extermination estimates. I feel like after this is all done they are going to kick us out and put my mother into a nursing home,
.

Anyway I am taking off tomarrow night to put my things from the shed into the ckitchen pantry closet we cleaned out and place some figurines that were expensive in there al;so. and then to work on my room. I understand that they toss everything.

The frustration and stress is off the charts right now.

Yesterday I inadveretantly left the back doors open when I left for work. I had W the guy who helped me clear pantry closet take bags from back yard for trash. I thought he closed the doors as he ususally does and I didnt do my regualar routine becuase I didnt want engaged the aide. Not to mention that when I came down her bra was on love seat before W came and thank goodness she gathered it up before he came in. I checked myself before I spoke.

Okay so when I come in she tells me I left the back doors open and she closed them before she left I guess around 840pm or so.

So when I return call to guardian supervisor she asks about the back door. mentions me and my sister should need to get back speakingand mentions my sister says if someone else has the key becuase the back doors were open andthere was a shooting in the area. so obvious the aide told my sister about the door and then she confounds situation with a shooting that happened this morning after the fact.

I understand about the envioronment and again I seriously take that into consideration. Its not that bad but the disrepect is another issue and regardless of how she feels I should not be subjected to her anger and feelings. If she feels that strongly then she should leave or learn to be professional.

Working EMS i have enter homes I was afraid of but did not feel a need or a right to express my dislike or opinion about the situation. Same as in ER and hospital units. I have been cursed out and threatened and I have never lashed out at a client. I have spoken and responded in a serious manner but I have yet to lash out in any position. So I dont think the conditions or situation gives her the pass for disrespect that was not called for and totally out of line.

So with that said, I just feel like I am unraveling.

I am open to the feed back.

Rays of love healing to all.

18 years ago at age 46, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've been wondering about this diagnosis and people on a childhood trauma page have told me about a diagnosis that was named in 1988 called complex PTSD. I've read a few pages online and watched some videos on youtube and I believe it's me.

Complex PTSD does not come from one traumatic event, but from several years of trauma. Most often that trauma takes place in the first 15 years of life like it did in mine. I'll spare you the details, but I think this is on target. I also think this may be helpful for many of us who are from dysfunctional families.

Duck, the ONLY way I see for you to go forward is to move out and move on. I think that has been the consistent message that some of us have broadcast to you from the get go.

Your mother and sister both appear to suffer from mental illness and have trapped you in a poisonous web of self-doubt and presumed incompetence.

The behavior of one of the aides is triggering you. You can't change her behavior, only your reaction to it, or by removing yourself.

The open door? YOU didn't do your usual lockup routine because you were avoiding the aide. Own that. Understand just how toxic a situation this is that you put yourself in danger rather than encounter her. Which leads to more finger pointing and recriminations all around.

What is it you hope to gain by staying? That mama is going to say "I love you, you good daughter"?. It isn't going to happen.

That the guardian will tell sister and nephew off? Also not going to happen.

I'm not sure why you think the City would repair and clean your mother's house and THEN put her in a NH, but you have more experience with the workings of guardianship than I do.

I imagine that if this is a private guardian, there is a mighty profit motive to sell the house. In which case, eviction comes shortly after they remove your mom. Is there a reason to wait to move?

Duck, I have always held the belief that we are responsible for our own happiness and blaming others for our unhappiness is self pity. But recently have begun to realize that others can instill a sense of unworthiness in us which can have long term repercussions.

Case in point, my family. In the years since my mom died I've had time to realize that my mom instilled that belief in me and that yes, ultimately we have to be the authors of our own story but that is harder to do when if at a young age you were bullied and were made to feel worthless. I know hanging on to resentment is dangerous but at the same time seeing where that resentment comes from and recognizing that it's no longer healthy to be near what triggered that resentment is important if you want to move forward. I've finally recognized that I'll never get anyone in my family to admit their role in my low self-esteem and hoping for some resolution that involves them somehow making amends with me will never happen.

I think that you must somehow break away from what holds you down. Barb is right to ask, What keeps you there? It doesn't sound to me like anyone in your dysfunctional family is ever going to change. You must somehow move on Duck.

Gershun my heart wont let me leave my mother. I often get to the poiint where I feel I need to leave. Thanks for the honesty. I am moved to tears. I know my mindset and thinking has been influenced deeply by my narcissistic mother, my childhood. I have slowly started to overcome parts of the related strongholds and I do know that if I were to leave this situation, I would probably never return. I also truly feel that I would be deserting my mother and that goes against my grain.

I realize I have serious issues and the self esteem is one of them although I would have fought in denial about my low self esteem years ago. I dont know how to break the hold of guilt one of the main forms of control my mother has used and taught my sister.

All I can say is I dont know, I dont even know how to feel, I should feel angry and I am sad. I feel lost, I feel so leery of this whole situation.

Barb, The Guardianship Foundation for Seniors, is name of agency. I dont have a clue on how things work I just know that whatever happens it has to go through the courts.

You broke down my situation in a few sentences. I get the triggering from the aide.

Thanks for the advice and perspective. And, yes 'get out' has been a major theme since i started posting.

I am scared and I feel alone as things evolve. I continue to pray and I do understand the feedback and appreciate it.

Duck, a couple of things.

Your mother now has a GUARDIAN. A legally appointed person who is in charge of her person and her finances. You got that put in place. You are free to leave.

The organization that you mentioned assists in helping New Yorkers with finding good roomate situations. I suggest thst you ask them if you can avail yourself of that service and find a shared placed to live. I don't know if you have to be over a certsin age. Also, the YWCA rents nice rooms.

Duck, you are in desperate need of health insurance and therapy. I sent you a list of good places that do sliding scale/free therapy. You will never break out of the bondage to your triggers without therapy.

You need a job with benefits. If the benefits that your current agency has promised for June don't materialize or are less than stellar, you need to find an employment agency that specializes in RNs and get the ball rolling.

Your life is ticking away and I can't imagine that you have a pension or loads of retirement monies saved. You need to start putting YOUR mental, physical and financial health first so that you can age in peace.

(((((Hugs))))))

Duck, my turn.

From the beginning of you posting her I and many others have said the only solution for you to get out of this situation, get a life, is to get out of there. You say you feel a responsibility to your mom and wouldn't get out. Why? I don't get it at all.

Being there is a constant stressor in your life. Ask yourself, what is best for you? You know the truthful answer. Now is the best time to move on. You can find a better job, RN's are in great demand everywhere. Don't you have a son on the west coast? What about a big move. Would he help you to get moved and settled? It doesn't have to be the west, expensive coast. There are so many areas of the country that are clamoring for health care workers. I imagine, some would even help with moving expenses.

Your mom has help through the court appointed guardian, give it over to them to handle. The condition of the house impacts your feelings about yourself as well.

Barb has given you information on resources in your area. The only way for you to change your life is to get in touch with those and ask for help.

I have not responded to Many of your posts because you wear me out. The situations replay, same player, same games, yet you continue to be stuck.

Change is nearly impossible for some. You WILL find the courage and compassion for yourself with help. Virtually we can only do so much for you. Get out, move, find a new job. You care for so many through your career. Show just some of that to yourself.

Always best to do it your way than lack a plan should the guardian decide to place mom, then you have nowhere to go. Stop blaming your sis, mom and nephew for your situation and months aide! Only you have the power to change it. You will not get their gratitude or compassion or understandimg. Get on with it.

You are not deserting your mother.

You got her a guardian. She would not have a guardian if APS thought that the family was capable of pulling together, repairing the house and working out a schedule of care for your mom.

In essence, APS has set you free.

They are doubtless using Medicaid funds to do major repairs and cleaning. A lien will be placed on the home which will be recouped at your mom's death.

If POA sister had the sense God gave a goat, she would have taken out a HELOC, repaired the home and gotten home care for mom.

But she didn't, so you stepped in and saved mom from the indignity of rats and sewage.

Your job here is done, Duck. Time to use your superpowers to save YOU and your future.

Your sister can tell the neighbors any d@mn story she wants to. It doesn't matter. You got your mom what she needed.

Duck, read some of the posts on the "Caregiving for a Narcissistic Mother" thread for some real life examples of how to get unstuck.

Have you read the book Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud? It is written from a Christian perspective and has some good techniques.

Here is some information on gurdianship in NYC:
https://www.seniorlaw.com/guardianship-for-incapacitated-people-in-new-york-under-article-81/

Is the court going to allow you all to continue to live there rent-free?

If only for that reason, I would be looking to move.

What the aides see: 3 or 4 able-bodied working adults living rent-free in demented mom's home. And her with a valuable piece of property falling down around her, living in unsanitary conditions.

WE know this is not of your doing, Duck. They don't.

Duck, I know you struggle with guilt. Unfounded guilt. You've done so much, tolerated so much abuse. Honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know you know this but you continue to feel like you would be betraying your mother if you left. Baby steps Duck. You don't have to do it all in one day. Slowly try to disentangle yourself if you can.

We are the scapegoats of the world, people like you and me and so many others on here. The ones who step in when help is needed and usually are unappreciated. I personally feel that I was dropped off on a planet that I don't belong in to be honest. Occasionally I'll meet a kindred spirit but most of the time I'm just waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and tell me "oh, there you are, we're so sorry but you were never meant to be here. Come, let's get you back to where you belong" That day can't come soon enough.

I took off tonight so I am on my phone. I so truly appreciate the hard truths shared. Thanks I needed this I realize the monotony and the frustration in knowing what I need to do and not getting it.

Thank you all so much seeing the facts and hard truth is painful. I am tears as I write thankful for the understanding knowing I need to get out. I will look into all. Meanwhile I am mustering up for this big cleaning of total house this morning through saturday and meeting with the aide.
My heart is strengthened with your understanding. Thank you for the input. Hard pills to swallow but needed.

We are rooting for you, Duck!, ((((hugs)))))).

So last night daughter calls me, she and her husband are trying to have a baby and it is challenging. Dad and daughter go to the same church, Dad goes and tells people at the church that she is pregnant. Let's just say that didn't go over well after peeling my daughter down off the ceiling. The pastor texted her congrats since they were recently married and close to the pastor.
So I asked dad if he told people and he said yes he did. Asked why? He thought he heard that at Christmas time. OK it's 5 months later and this just came out. 2 + 2 is that he was at church yesterday with an event with the pastor and must have said it. His other granddaughter just had a child and maybe I thought he got them mixed up but no this is the one he goes to church with and sees every week. The other one he hasn't seen in 2 years and is many states away. I'd like to think it is just a slip but not so sure.
He is 85, he's been house-bound since Covid but gets out to church and lunch and lodge every week and is on the phone all the time. it's not like he's been in solitary.
Do I start being concerned? I am big on not letting home privacy get outside our walls but he loves to tell a story. Once he gets a piece of info he has to tell the world. He spins a yarn and makes a sweater.
I am now wondering what he is telling everyone about us in the house. He gets facts wrong and embellishes, this has been for years.
So how do approach his Dr who is mine as well? I go to all his appointments. it's not like it has been happening a lot but minor slips here and there. Do I keep track? He has had cognitive tests in the past 2 years after knee replacement and passed fine. Should I be concerned?