notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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But it sounds to me like Show & Tell. Somebody having a baby would be attention-winning, wouldn't it, and he wouldn't be the first emotionally detached patriarch to be vague about who's who and doing what in his family. Also, if you'll forgive me, your father is quite self-centred enough to think congratulating the grandfather is the only part of the scenario that actually matters.
PS How's his hearing, remind me? Has anyone said anything to him about local granddaughter + husband trying for a baby?
It seems curious that your daughter (may she and her husband's wishes come true in the best time) called to talk to YOU and not her grandfather, the source of the misinformation and also a co-worshiper. "Grandpa, why on EARTH would you tell Pastor Bill that we are expecting?". The fact that she consults YOU about this tells me that SHE doesn't think that he's "all there", perhaps.
I WOULD keep a list, not out of concern about what he's saying about you and your home, but because his care seems to be getting a bit much for you. His judgement and ability to see the consequences of his actions certainly seems diminished.
And the stuff that you've posted about his lack of hygiene also seem to indicate lack of wherewithal to stay safe.
Thank you all for the prayers and support. Words can not express my gratitude for input. I am my worst critic and the hard and wise advice I've gotten is very much an option I've considered so many times in years past. I truly appreciate the feedback because it's a truth. I share a lot of personal pain because this is what I noticed in posts and the responses were mostly challenging for true understanding that is the basis of constructive advice. The wisdom via experience or profession has always amazed me. The sharing and honest posts a lot of which shows me a reasonable possibility I will have to face. My faults and weaknesses are so deep rooted and I am slowly breaking the chains. Graceful intervention was at play these past few days. And part of it was due to input from those of you Angels who are moved to intercede, even through exhaustion and personal trials, in the lives of those of us who are broken and struggling. Words can't express the place you have in my heart and my appreciation.
I sincerely hope you are near the end of this abusive situation that you have been stuck in for so many years. I have even wondered about Stockholm syndrome. I can see how caregivers could quite easily fall into this.
Does this fit? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nUB66aZ4CdY
Or trauma bond?
Best wishes Duck on gathering the courage you need so you are able to complete the transition that you know you NEED to do for your own health and safety. Go find happiness!
Make a list of the steps you need to take to move out and move on. Post them on the wall of your room.
If you have debt, go to Dave Ramsey's website. Pay no attention to his investing advice, just his "get out of debt" advice.
Guilt? Your mother controls you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt (F.O.G.)
Look it up, it's thing. It is the number one tool in the narcissist's playbook.
Your mother may be a demented little old lady now, but you have no obligation to her aside from arranging her care, which you have done.
Anyone who tells you differently is dead wrong.
Also, look up Grey Rock as a technique for dealing with the other difficult people in your life.
I will as always check out advice. I am so grateful.
It's such a blessing and words cannot express my appreciation for your input. Especially when I respect your input not only with ne but through the years if nothing the fabulous advice and I interrogation for clarity with others who are in difficulty in one way or another. I have seen myself often in caring attempts to help others like me stuck in painful situations because we can't let go or see the true obvious source of our pain. Last Thursday after all the stress of this cleaning the guardianship manager Nivole asked about my mothers meds. I told her to check with my sister as she has been in charge of her health care. Only to learn she has not been giving my mother her meds for over a month. I took my mother to doctor the next day and got referrals and meds. Then on Sunday night at work my clients mother went hard on her quest to document normal regular fluctuations in my client o2 sats belittling and harrassment again. When I told her to let me do my job and expressed each time she came running in when the oxygen monitor alarmed that ther was no need for intervention and if she continued to harass and belittle my professional ethics I would leave. She had stepped in my personal space several times and shouted leave and I did. I called my job and explained events. Went In to write statement and was convinced to return. I am tight about her attempt to micromanage my professional documentation via harrassment and inappropriate behavior. I agreed to return on Sunday against my better judgement. I often wonder if it is my life assignment to be in a challenging position to narcissist spirits. I will report to work as promised. I have asked for another case. I have deep affection for my client and to an extent for the mother. I understand her quest to keep RNs as the client is 21 and has to move to a different Medicaid level which very rarely approves 24 hour RN care. She has to cover when nurse calls out which nullifies her quest. I have refused her demands for 3 pages of notes and 3 weeks ago refused to use the washer and dryer after same disrespect and harrassment and demands because the dryer was malfunctioning. I yiy yi. Please keep me in prayer. Thank you for bearing with my issues weakness and ignorance. Today is my mother's 85th birthday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to mom
It sounds like you and your sister are not understanding who is charge of what, to your mom's detriment.
You need to ask;
Is this guardianship for person AND for finances?
If for person, why does the guardian not have Medical information?
Is it safe and appropriate for you to leave?
I was stressing over the cleaning. Praying for another aide. I called out for work and glad I did. My guy W came by about 630am and we transfered all my things out of the shed into the pantry closet. and I managed to wrapp up the crystal and chinaware and statues. I was told that they throw everything out.
So the best part of the day was that after me and W finished our work I decided to wait for aide to come in as it was that time. I wanted to see if she would greet me when she walked in or just walk past. Low and behold Eva walked in, I almost cried. I dont think I could have gotten through the day so smoothly outside of the stress of letting everything go, if the rude aid Joan was still there.
So they came back and we got through this cleaning and extermination. Now for the repairs.
Glad, I was not deflecting its just that after the stress of the home situation resolved, I went to work to insanity. So issues are long standing and the past few weeks the client mother has been OCD trying to make sure her daughter keeps the RNS. Ive been like a sponge to her drama and a few weeks ago she just disrespected me one time to many. Enough is enough and when you reach that point its a wrap. So the drama queen crazy messed with my crazy.. I am here now and I feel its time to move on. The travel is way to much. The father was upset and is no longer picking me up from train staion which she insisted on with covid. First he was driving me home then with all the protest that end and he started taking me to the train station in the morning and when I come in. So it cut down on a lot of travel time. Todaywas the first time since lastyear I took bus and walke to house. The trains were horribly delayed, then I had to transfer to another line because of transit changes and I got off on wrong stop., then there are like three long blocks of hills to walke to get to the home. Today I dragged myself and feel like I am getting to old for this strenous trek and besides the other issues I need to look out for my self health wise also. I have resquested an assignment in Brookln also on line for other options.
We have changed two aides since Joan the rude one left taking a brand new hotplate which was paid for out of my mothers funds and left the old one she came with originally. We didnt need either one because I had one plus other electric oven and fryers/. Just notice it missing afterthe fall out. It was under the sofa in box. I also have issues with my mothers transport I have to try and change a rider in her insurance if possible. I cant see myself spending 100 dollars for transport every time we go to appointment.
Anyways other wise my mother and I are adjusting.
Yes Golden being raised by a Narcissist imbues a nasty list of damage to the scapegoat, black sheep or what ever.
And after I went through this period of sickness for about two months I came out finally making myself a focus and its been weird.
Much love for you all.
Ray of love and healing for us all.
I'm new, and I just moved into mom's house so she isn't alone. It's made me feel depressed, where I was good before. She's declining, (85 yrs) thankfully not too badly yet. But it's a big adjustment for me, and I sold my house so I feel like I'm lost. My solitude is gone. The worst part of this is my identical twin sister, who lives 2-1/2 hours away in a gorgeous home in CT, thinks she can tell me what to do. I'm sure I have jealousy towards her, she is affluent, successful in career and she calls herself "joyful and kind", while she now calls me evil and mean because I told her she cannot micromanage and judge me for what I do or don't do for our mother. My life has had hardships that she never had. Even now, I've been alone for many years, unable to find a bf, & unsuccessful in my career. She seems to think I am just like her, which I am not. She has tremendous sympathy for mother, even though mother had a great life, and has been able to stay in the family home. I don't have those feelings, so my sister & I now cannot get along to save our lives. I actually am starting to hate her for interfering. Any other sibling would just be relieved that mother is not alone anymore.... but not my twin. She calls mother every night to ask what I've done (or not done), and it infuriates me. I do regret moving in with mother, now that twin sis thinks she is going to police my every move. Twin sis is a bossy control freak, and if we become estranged, then I think I'll be happier! Thanks for listening, I'm not sure what I'll do, but I'm sad on many levels, and I know if I stay it will only get worse. I've already told my twin to F-off, but I can see many more fights if I stay. I had good intentions when I moved in, and if it was only Mom and I, I think it would be OK, but there's the "real" evil twin.
P.S. We only started to fight once Dad died (3 years ago) and twin sis had to be the new boss & start controlling our small family of 3.
You have made an awesome sacrifice to care for your mother and please dont beat yourself up try and stay positive. and one of the best things you can do youve already done which was to come on board. I feel so proud and glad to say there is a wealth of wisdom, and knowledge in the forum as well as understanding and learning.
She has a followup apointment on Friday where I will ask for some type of med that will quite her down and something to help her sleep through the night.
I have been increasing the seroquel it works but dosent last long. She can get very combative and busy on top of the that.
Her pressure has gone down a tad but hard to monitor as she wont stay still.
Had pow wow at the job. My concerns were met with some acceptance and by mother and I apologized for being unprofessional and leaving when asked. Very soft and tiresome conversation. To be continued.
So deep inside I feel tearful. This entire situation of change and fluctuation is frustrating. So many things undone and need to be done. Anticipation of this big repair and temporary placement of my mother. If they put a bathroom on second floor she might be able to stay in her room while the aide goes up and down for her meals.
I dont know but there are times when I get so depressed about her regardless of how she treated me. I also get suscpicious when I see my sister getting close to the aide even though I dont really feel she will fall into her poison and take sides. she and my siter bathe my mother twice weekly. a wash up in bed.
Now I know part of my issue is realiazing everyone does not think like I do but my plan in my head was to get my mother used to taking shower or bath slowly. The first week me and the aide got her into a bath. She calmed down once in there and it was hard to get her out. I hurt my shoulder lifting heavy bags and throwing out stuff so the next time I told the aide to get my sister, they have been doing it every since,. So I just leave that plan I had in my head.
Otherwise I hope you all are in a good place. I guess a lot of you are having fun on other threads. I like the joke thread also. When I did posting on similar themed threads it was a little tireesome repeating my same issue but I found that by the second time around I had actually almost narrowed down the source and possible remedy of my issue.
Thanks for the patience.
Rays of love and health and blessings to us all.
I don't have advice to offer you that others haven't already contributed but please know that I want to support you in this forum however I can. Sometimes, for me anyway, just being supported is what I needed to gain perspective on my life and deal with the different stressors that came with caregiving.
And I agree, by you continuing to post about these things it can help you to achieve better recognition of situations, and adjust your thinking.
Stay strong. :-)
duck - you are not destined to always look after narcissists. You have a choice. It isn't easy getting away from what we were brought up with but it is possible - takes work but it can be done!
ali -glad to see you posting and that it helps
Had a great day out with my dd yesterday. She came with me to buy a couple of loungers for my back deck. I told her we can sit in tne sun and get a tan. We put them up and they are just what I wanted. I also got one large tomato plant in a pot with its own cage, one strawberry that I will plant in a pot I have on the deck and see how it does,, and a decent looking rhubarb plant which will go at the back of the house where it gets lots of sun. I miss having my own rhubarb. Now I have to clean up the back deck and get a few pots of flowers to brighten the area. I think I have decided to stay here a bit longer - the way things are working anyway. R will come up in a month or so to do kitchen renos.
After shopping, we got cinnamon lattes and brought them home, unloaded and set up, and had a good chat. It was my first real post-vax outing and I enjoyed it. 😊
I take my mother to doctor later. It's new to me getting her in and out dealing with her confusion. I have to fight her to put a pad or pamper on her incase of emergency like before.
Eenjoy Memorial day weekend. There was a time I I would pull out the grill and sit out having cocktails. I am low on energy.
Enjoy
Rsays of love and peace.
ali - you too. You may be having a delayed reaction to the whole "N
" episode combined with the pressures of school and/or all the things you have mentioned
Definitely exclude as much stress as possible and ramp up the self care! 🛀 ☕🧀 🚶♀️🌻
Where is the guardian going to relocate your mom during construction?
Just recently I am feeling the fog lift a little. Underneath it all I feel sadness and loss but also relief. I am recalling good memories of my parents and holding them close.
The relationship with my sister has permanently changed, which is a good thing. Through all this I learned to set healthy boundaries and give myself permission to keep safe distance from her abuse. I wish her no ill, I just have zero desire to resume anything but a peripheral relationship.
There is still business to tend to though. Although Sis liquidated most of my parents possessions and property while they were alive she put Dads coin business, inventory into storage. Boxes and boxes of stuff that needs meticulous sorting.
The job is huge and my brother has the expertise so we are all involved. Sis is still the paranoid, controlling person she always was but I don't care anymore. Her control and leverage is only about "stuff" now, not my parents or my connection to them. Contact with her is still exhausting but I am pacing myself. It will all be over in time.
Meanwhile I have decided this will be my last year at the school. I can pick up enough hours at my other job to make ends meet and come March, 2022 I start collecting social security. These past years have completely worn me out. I need time to heal and find myself again.
Love you all.
I don't know if you meant fog as in brain/mental fog or in general, but brain fog can happen, too. It's difficult to think clearly if you're under chronic stress. Good job in putting in boundaries with sis. It's never something someone wants to do with family members but it's necessary.
Love you, too! Big (((((hugs)))))) to go forward from everything and have a more peaceful and joyous life. 😊
I think the fog is both brain fog and mental fog. I can't multi task at all anymore and it takes me longer to process information. I also have trouble dealing with noises and crowds. My energy level is so much lower. I get overwhelmed so easily now. Mentally, my anxiety is chronic. It used to come and go.
Another thing is I started losing hair about a year ago. Its so thin in places you can see my scalp. This has happened a couple times in my life, probably from stress but this time it's worse and not coming back. My thyroid tests are fine. I'll talk to my doctor again.
Little by slow I am going to get myself back on track.
Sorry for swooping in and making it all about me. I know everyone here is trying to deal with stuff. Hugs all around.
Stay strong, you are going through something I foresee in my future. I am definitely cut off from my sister and still getting pissed.
I can imagine the pain and also the happiness of reliving memories of your parents. Again I am so sorry for your loss and pain.
Barb, my mother has to get evaluated for assisted living which I doubt she will be eligible for and then the option is temporary placement in a nursing home. That decision has to be approved by a judge.
Meanwhile I took her for medical apt last Friday and the doctor says its to late to start her on meds for the dementia or Alzheimer's we dont know what because she has never been tested and that is another reason why I am pissed at my sister. Thank goodness her pressure is down and good.
Also I was surprised at what the aides report. She murmurs and babbles but she told one very clearly she didnt need nobody to take care of her and yells out orders in nasty tones like she did with me. The other aide says she came in once and my mother told her this is myhouse and I am going to beat your a. she says she kicked off her slippers and started hitting her with the shoe. So I feel uplifted to see she is quite aware and she is also funny with them. She gives one a big hug and I dont think I ever got a hug from my mother in life. Now I say that and that is one of things that make me tearful. She is aware of whats going on and I am glad she is still here in mind. I have to let what could have been go but I am still pissed.
Mothers day and pictures bought back so many memories. I was my mothers extention but she was my everything and I mattered after her and my father and my sister. So these moments how I kiss her and snuggle her I am getting that touch and closeness I never had and dont truly have now but as usual I have to make due with the crumbs and sometimes it hurts not mattering to anyone even if its a life long issue.
So I realize I have to slow down my chronic need to fix and do and keep focusing on me.
Golden, I try to focus on your theme of self care and I am getting better and bolder with putting myself firs even if the guilt beats me up. I even caught my self putting again someone elses needs before me on job and agreed to a schedule hours change and I had no problem makeing it clear it would not work.
Then I had the issue of the temp. going down and it being cold for my mother and my sister have key to the room where the themostat is. yes we are getting to summer but it pissed me off that she has no done anything about temporarily turning up heat. If i get some one to break the lock I would be wrong. I see temps going up slowly this week. I have not heard back from the guardian when I told her I need a key tomy mothers room to have access to the thermostat.
And on that note thanks for bearing with my crazy.
Happy Memorial Day, God Bless all the present and past Veterans always.
I get a few weeks of my house and my wife by ourselves. Long overdue. Burnout has been huge lately so looking forward to quiet time!