The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Tgengine,

Yay! Enjoy your time off from caregiving! Forget about everything and concentrate on yourselves. You deserve it!

tgengine,, a few years ago my cousins in TX took Mom and Aunt for 6 weeks,, and hubs and didn;t go anywhere,, we just enjoyed the heck out of our house!! They had a blast, got spoiled rotten with trips and concerts ( Willie Nelson anyone??) and we got to relax and know they were having a great time! My Aunts kids and hubs and I got to have some down time, and we were all better when they returned. So ENJOY

What great news, Tgengine!! Enjoy!

Thanks, looking forward to it. Sometimes alone and with friends and our girls. It's not that I don't like my dad, it's we need time without ears on all the time. He's been out every day the last week with his female friend and his lodge. He is spending money like a soldier on leave. Forgetting he will be away for a month. I guess as usual he is expecting everyone will cater to him and take him out to dinner. Hmmmmm oh well, not my monkey not my circus.
Went out and bought 5 pillboxes to put all his meds in so someone else won't screw it up. Sealed in vac bags for each week and his med list. He doesn't appreciate all the work someone else has to do so he can go away. Oh well, off for a 6-hour drive tomorrow to deliver him.

Thats great news tgengine! Enjoy every single minute you deserve it!

Dduck you sound like you are handling stress/emotions really well. Keep on taking care of yourself, you are worth it!!

Tg enjoy your break I am happy for you. It's nice to hear good news.

Trying, thanks for your acknowledgement of my growth. Sometimes I wonder about my progress and get depressed as the dysfunction reveals itself over and over. Yesterday I was shocked to see tv channels unblocked. I enjoyed seeing my favorites and my mothe and the aide got a few laughs. I came down to day and parental control was back on. I thought to change channels so the open station would be noticed. I didn't follow my mind partly because I dont want to feed into my sister's sickness by hiding the channels that I have watched. I have requested that the guardianship follow through with getting my mother basic cable as was stated during a past visit. I could set up same
But due to past history of my mother not wanting me to watch her tv from time I moved back in and her and my sister on mission to block me from watching tv I have vowed in my heart to not be responsible for my mother's tv or cable. I was unable to get cable service or pay into my mother's service that was being paid for by my nephew who was living in the room I have now. My sister had her own service and kept getting over due notification and at some point they took out the cable box from my mother's kitchen and any remotes I left were taken then eventually the channels were blocked. It's so very sad the results of my sister's sickness and quest of narcissistic power and control.
Barb, still I rise.
I also want to share something that uplifted me in my struggle and tears. I understand the preferences in spiritual guidance and strength. I have appreciated deeply all input and feedback greatly. Last weekend I happened upon this song and it was a beautiful inspiration in my heart. God's Grace utube. I pray it moves and inspires your heart and strength in spirit.
Rays of love light and healing to us all.

Hi …I’m feeling guilty about taking a job when mom needs me at home…I was bullied into it by sister… mom doesn’t want anyone there taking care of her but me. I know I need to work but feel I can do something at home…Anyone else feel like this??

Tallboots2 do you have other means of support? Its hard to work and then manage caregiving.
I feel like I work two jobs, still even though the aides are there. I cant complain because they take care of my mother. I am often cleaning out old stuff from vegetable bins. I just do but I realized that the older one makes a lot of requests while she sits on her butt. And at first was adamant that they give meds and then started getting used to me pulling them and mixing them for her to give. She called me one morning on my day off and asked me to come give my mother her meds and I told her just give her the green one.

Given that I dont have much trust sometimes I feel a tad of trickery in the back ground with her, the oldest one. So this is all new and both are great with my mother. Today after I came up from work the repair woman called me saying she had knocked on door for me because the aide told her to ask me to open the door, I told her the aide had the key. This was almost twelve and I get up for work at 430 and I was haveing a hard time getting to sleep.

So here is the cream of my post. The supervisor called about them charging rent. She stated that they look at the going rent, and could we work this out with out going to court and also if I would be willing to give them record of my income so they could determine what to charge us for rent. I was too trhrough! No I will not be willing to provide my income, I make more than my sistewr and there has always been a disparity in what we each do for my mother and we are both doing the same we have always done. I made very clear my question of how do you think you can make this discision between us when we are in this situation already needing intervention. Also that my sister looked sweet paying the bills or her so called portion of the bills while she had charge of my mothers money but that stopped after the transfer because she was using my mothers funds. Also that I repeated request for many years for and investigation of an attempt to transfer 5,000 which was never addressed and also the fact that they held back some of my mother money during the turnover process and who knows how much money they have taken while in charge of the accounts as neither APS or the Guardians or the Lawyers address my request to investigate that attempt. The account had my nephew name on it and that is probably why. He had the address changed to his own. And I only got my mothers mail during that unusual attempt to transfer the $5,000 and when they closed out the accounts. I also made it clear I had one room where she has one entire floor. That I am still during repairs and addressing issues that my sister has no clue about.

I also made it clear that my mothers home is paid for and if they even try to charge going rate I would be leaving. I also demanded that they go with what the Judge at the guardianship hearing said to do. Which was split the gas electric and water between the 3 and my mother pay the insurance and taxes. I explained I would be willing to increase things as needed but I need court order for everything.

I have had an unfair load from childhood and its time to stop. I said I dont even watch tv in my room I work and when I'm off i spend a lot of time with my mother I buy groceries and needed supplies, I take her to md, I cook and clean and do her laundry.
.

Last week was the first time my sister bought snacks for my mother I looked up and see an entenmans cake some lorna dune cookies and some chocolate chips In one of the storage containers I bought I asked aide if she bought and she pointed upwards. Surprise.

So anyways I also want to share another outlet that helped my stress and journey. Derek Prince on utube again I just happened upon this and its been very helpful. I know religion is not everyone's cup of tea. There is a lot of teaching that brings understanding and it has helped me.

I will try anything to help me through this sad place in life.

Anyways rays of love and light to us all.

Here are some things that I've learned more recently concerning a long journey I've been on in light of my memories of how my mother treated me in the past.

1. Some memories are to painful to emerge until much later like when a parent's decline has put her on the dying category.

2. These memories are hard to talk about and even harder to share with the associated feelings because they have been burried for so long and learning to bury your emotoins anyway.

3. While writing like in a letter to them or a poem about them may put the emotions on paper, they can still remain inside. That is true even when you read them aloud.

4. Until the emotions are set free any written forgiveness attempts are cut off from real feelings.

5. From a discussion recently, the idea came that I could go to the pictures that I first used to communicate to my therapist about my mom with captions about her actions and captions of her statements. Along with that came the idea of saying those captions aloud and let my feelings flow as I read them. The person that I was talking to thought this was a great idea.

So, with being all alone for two weeks with my wife gone to visit her identical twin sister for two weeks, I went up to my Man Cave and proceeded to do what I described in 5. While it was not a mighty flow of emotions, it was a start. That's better than before and good. I'm going to tell my new therapist about this tomorrow and see if he wants me to keep doing this on my own or just weekly with him when I see him again.

So, if your emotions are dammed up like mine by all means try various ideas to get those feelings freed up.

NoTryDo, Its so true and amazing how we bottle up painful memories.

I have wondered so many times what happened to my self preservation so very long ago that I continued to need and yearn for that little thread of love from my mother.

I found a letter I wrote to my son dated 6/14. I was trying to explain the hatred and ugliness I finally realized from my mother and sister. I wrote that I did not like my mother but I loved her.

Then I realized that for what ever reason, she didnt like me either but kept me fooled and programmed me with guilt and fear to become her emotional slave.

I look at my family and its so deeply sad, how mental illness and jealousy and family chains flourish not just in my immediate family but other relatives also.

Sometimes I feel so sad and broken but thankfully I maintain a piece of hope and a lot of faith in God.

No try I agree that we should keep trying to find ways to release the painful memories.

Shoot! I had a flashback of my father calling me ugly one time as a child and immediately the memory of him squeezing my hand so tight that it hurt badly on the night before he died.

I wish we didn't have to go through this menagerie of pain and hurt and brokenness. I also wish I didnt feel responsible to help fix brokenness when I see it.

I wish I could fix myself.

I have started taking Krill oil. Its great I feel good. Sad thing is when I feel good I feel like its not going to last.

I hope everyone is in good spirit and health. Father's day is a hard time for me, I miss my father so much. Here I am 60 years old and missing my daddy but I do. When he died my mother's crazy was really unleashed.

The Guardain supervisor called about the rent arrangement wanted to come to an agreement out side of court and wanted income information. I was like no way just do what the judge said. I am so tired of the disparity in reposnibility and caring as well as expenses for my mother. We needed court intervention and we still do now I feel I have to beware not only of my sister but agency agenda also. She started out mentioning the going rate for rent in the area. I just shut that down saying the house is paid for. You all just need to do as the judge said during the hearing. Split the gas, electric and water. My mother would be responsible for taxes and insurance. They can break that down in any way and I have no problem as long as its before a judge.

They are working on changing the cable. My sister must have accidently took off the parental blockage. Next day it was on again. So I reminded Guard. about switching cable in my mother name. Now after they called about rent its been two weeks. I just realized that suddenly my sister was buying snacks and orange juice and soda for my mother. I was like wow what happened, who schooled her, no I realize it only started when the issue addressing rent came up and also now so far the cable has remained unblocked. Now if she left it that way and didn't feel a need to use parental control as a power tool they wouldn't have to use my mothers money for cable as it is my nephew who pays the bill. I still haven't seen him around at all.

Also the repairs are still in question as far, there is question about structural damage and also money issue around repairs and paying for nursing home care. I told them to check home insurance and was surprised that they had not considered that option for the initial repair to the sewer line. I thing a lot would be covered under the insurance.

My mother is doing so much better with the aides and Seroquel is working nicely. She is not too sedated but it seems to ease her communication. There are times though that she is almost in a stupor tracing designs or something repetitive and it breaks my heart. She is 100% better since the true intervention. We still have a long ways to go and I am not looking forward to it but hope next year this time we will all be settled.

Rays of love and peace and healing to us all.

I began posting here when my parents began their health decline. I'm so sad to share that the time has come where our family has lost them both. My dear father passed away yesterday suddenly and I'm already overwhelmed with the sadness and the funeral planning.

The dysfunction in our family hasn't abated over the years. My husband called my estranged sister to notify her of our father's death and was met with yelling, hostile language, name calling and narcissistic behavior. No sympathy. Just screaming and "no one cares about my feelings!" As if she is the only one suffering the most right now and everyone else is the enemy. (This language coming from someone who ignored every update I sent about our parents, never engaged in a discussion for their care and was always hostile or passive aggressive in person.) Sad to say it was all expected. Had I been the one to make the call, I expect I would have been met with much of the same.

My therapist suspected, based on the stories about my sister, that she may be suffering from some sort of Borderline Personality Disorder and I wonder if that's true. It would explain so much.

I wish I could just grieve in peace. It's so hard to handle. I feel like I'm constantly pushing back at impending panic attacks.

I'll just continue to breathe, appreciate the support and love from others that we have received and focus on the better memories. I can't hang onto my sister's toxic behavior. As badly as I would like to ease her sorrow as well as my own, I can't go setting myself on fire to keep others warm anymore, so to speak.

My heart goes out to anyone else out there going through the same. I hope we all have the strength to guide is through.

essomd,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your sister is toxic! Let it go. She may never change. Some people with mental health issues never seek help and they are miserable to be around. Take care of yourself.

Esso, I am so sorry for your loss.

trying - so good to hear from you. Sounds like you are making some good decisions for yourself. (((((Love)))) you too. Don't be a stranger here,

tg - so glad you are having some time away frim dad. Hope there are more times like that in the future.

talboots - do want is good for you and don't be bullied into anything. Let go of the guilt. You are not dong anything wrong.

yoda - good idea.

duck - I have found that being thankful for the scraps of positive interaction with my mother was helpful. Also it was helpful realizing that there weren't many, and when she was alive the chances of getting more were small. It was just reality. I got my mothering from other people and eventually learned to mother myself. Always take care of you,

I have been on inositol for a while now. It increases dopamine, which is deficient in CFS/FM and I am feeling brighter. Recently I read that Vitamin B1 (thiamine) can help people with my condition by increasing energy so I am taking it too and I think it is helping. I need to get my thyroid checked to make sure it is OK as high thyroid has a similar effect.

My dd has had two shots now -a little sick with the second one, and she will book her DH, DS and DD for their second ones soon. Good to get that done. My poor grandson who lost his dad a couple of weeks ago has been long time fostering a cat for a friend and she went mussing a few days ago. I hope he finds her. They were so good for one another.

My last remaining long time friend has dementia and it looks like it has progressed, I sent her an ecard for her birthday and it hasn't been opened. I also sent her flowers as I knew she would get those and I got a simple "thank you" email but no news so I suspect she can't do it any more. Between that and losing my ex silm some grief has been triggered the past few weeks.

Trying to get a little sun some days, pluck a few weeds, bring stuff downstairs for trash or give away,. That and keeping my kitties happy and well and normal housework etc keeps me busy enough.

(((((hugs)))) to everyone!

Just to clarify -the cat went missing, not the friend. 😜

esso - so sorry -missed your post. My sympathies for your loss. My mother had BPD. It explains a lot about our family dysfunction.. Your sis is responsible for her own feelings. You can't fix her. Do what is good for you.

Easso I am so sorry for your loss.
My heart and prayers are with you.
Your post bought tears to my heart.
We absorb so much pain and hurt in our goodness and quest to make everyone okay giving unconditional love and acceptance.
Focus on you and your needs.
You are not alone your strength and the beauty inside your heart will shine and guide you.

I just came on board to express my love and appreciation to you all. I printed out my posts which I do every now and then. It's like a journal of my my truth. My life my heart. Words can't express how much you have helped me face truths and understand and encouraged me to grow and address my challenges. Thank you all for the guidance and understanding.

Tallboots2,

There's no reason for you to feel guilty for taking a job because your mother needs you at home.
How will you be provided for when you're freed from the slavery of being a family caregiver?
Will your mother be making you the sole heir of an estate large enough to take care of you indefinitely so you won't need to work?
Or will your sister who bullied you into becoming the caregiver be providing for you indefinitely because you turned down employment in favor of taking care of mom?
I'm pretty sure the answer to both questions is neither of them will be providing for you after mom passes or if she has to go into a care facility. So take whatever job you want.
As for mom being fussy and not wanting anyone but you to do for her. Too bad. Many of our beloved elders need to learn how to accept the help they're offered or go to a nursing home. I'm happy that today many young adults are having discussions with their parents who are my generation. They're making it very clear now that they will not be guilted or bullied into the shackles of caregiving they see us in today because our elderly are "fussy" or "stubborn" or needy. If they take care of us when we're elderly, it will be on their terms not ours.
I come from a terribly dysfunctional family. My place in it since I was a little kids has been family scapegoat or emotional landfill that everyone could dump in.
I worked as an in-home caregiver for a long time. I haven't worked in years because I'm mom's caregiver. Sounds very nice doesn't it?
Well, it's not. I am pretty much a slave to a cruel, snide, manipulative bully. This behavior isn't new. It wasn't caused by dementia or some other disease. It has been so since I was a little kid. At best of times it was ignoring and indifference.
Yet, my mother expects the greatest kindness and compassion. The highest quality care done with love and empathy.
I cannot give what I don't have to give. Her basic needs are met and other than that I ignore her.
I too have a sister who is completely off the caregiving hook. She takes on none of it because she "works". She visits a couple times a month and mom is nothing but a joy for those couple of hours. Then again my sister was never our mother's target for anything.
I got pulled into this life. Here's what happens to so many people like me after years of caregiving for our elderly "loved ones".
The caregiver gets older. Often they are then too old themselves to find real employment that can provide for them. The number of former caregivers who are now homeless and on the street is growing very fast. There's another way out, but you don't come back.
This is my reality. Please don't let it become yours.
Take the job if an opportunity has presented itself. Mom's needs and care can be done of by hired caregivers. Don't let your sister's bullying or your mom's guilt put you in my shoes. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

BurntCaregiver, I didn't know your situation until now. I am sorry you have been treated badly by your family. You know what the ending of care giving will be like for yourself. Can you change your course? I am worried for your future.

Are you being paid for keeping and taking care of your mother? Do you own your house? Will you face homelessness once mother dies?

Duck, I feel like I know you much better after reading your reply to Yoda. So sorry for your dysfunctional family situation and how it has made you feel so broken. Can't say I know what you should do to heal. Just want you to know that I understand you.

Esso, may the good memories of your dear father comfort you in the days ahead.

Polarbear,

Thanks for your concern. Yes, I will own the house I live in free and clear, and no I do not get paid to be my mother's caregiver. I won't face homelessness though. I'd rather be dead than homeless.
At my age I can't take on the kinds of caregiving assignments that pay the real money anymore. The ones for invalid clients who need everything. Or the ones who were so out of it with dementia that I could name my price because no one else would work for them. My body is worn out from so many years of lifting, moving, transferring, and repositioning. I also don't have the patience for it anymore.
I never particularly liked caregiving to be honest. Or even elderly people for that matter. I was good at the work because I was strong, trustworthy, and don't have a short temper. These are pretty much the virtues a person needs when they're caring for elderly people or even interacting with most of them.
Only God knows what will become of me.

I hear you BurntCaregiver - I don't like caregiving either. I told my husband if/when his mom needs care, it'll be done by hired help because I'm not doing it again after my mom.

I'm glad you will own your house. Roof over your head is the most important thing.

Golden - I'm sorry to hear about your friend, her decline must trigger all kinds of melancholy feelings. My husband and I were just talking about the steady stream of loss that seems to come with getting older. Some days it feels overwhelming, I'm glad you find so much joy in your kitties.

Burntcaregiver - Polarbear is spot on. You must prioritize your future wellbeing. Best of luck.

Esso- I'm so sorry you lost your Dad ((((hugs to you))))

DDuck - I too just read back on my posts. It affirmed my reasons for still feeling fragile. Long difficult journeys will do that.

School is out and I am not returning in the Fall. I will continue working part time at my other job and perhaps do a bit of substitute teaching but its time to slow down. My parents are both gone now. Time to move on from survival mode and give myself space to process and put aside the last 6 years. I'm hoping to learn to feel joy again, its been a long time.

Trying, I just finished a paper on humanistic theories of psychology and chose to highlight Helen Keller as an example of a self-actualized person. She had a few quotes referencing joy. I don't know how relevant they will seem to you but I was impressed by how much Keller used optimism to overcome in her life.

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties."

"We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world."

"Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. ...You will find a joy in overcoming obstacles... Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost."

These quotes seem trite to me when trying to contemplate how to find joy after, like you said, the fragility that comes after a long, difficult journey. But, I'm also resolved to find my optimism and joy again, and Keller's hopefulness and confidence in her own joy was touching. I've been so jaded. My caregiving journey ended a few years back and I think I've been in my own way a bit since then. I'm glad you can focus more on yourself and your own needs. I wish you much joy, and a peaceful heart.

Ali-Thank you for your thoughtful words. I especially liked the quote "Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost." I also like being reminded that there is ".... joy in overcoming obstacles"

The course you are taking sounds intriguing. I think I might look into taking some kind of class or course. There is so much I want to learn about....

It sounds like we share a similar quest. Peace and joy to you too!!!

Ali Your posts are so deep and real. I have always appreciated your insight. Your posts have always inspired me.
I am not caught up. Sunday night at work I felt the issues with my client's mother. I left Monday morning in prayer. The hip pain is worse and makes me aware of my need to care for myself and focus on what is best for me. So I had this problem of letting go of this case. I could not bring myself to leave and I knew that coming back after the episode where I let was not good and expressed it to my superiors after I made statements. Long story short the supervisor called about bruises the mother posted Monday morning. So after I made clear ther were no bruises or injury during my shift I expressed my concern and my reluctance to leave this case and that I returned against my better judgement. I expressed that I would be exploring other cases in Brooklyn. I prayed about guidance on moving on about getting the covid immunization as I intended attend my son's promotion. Upon my arrival the client's mother stated that she was informed that I had quit and another nurse was coming. I have never had a prayer answered so quickly. I told her I did not quit and went in client room to call agency. Meanwhile the nurse came. I called her earlier about the bruises to ask if she had noticed any when I gave her report on the Wednesday morning. The bruises were reported on Thursday morning. She said she didn't see any bruises that day. So when she arrived she said she would leave. I say it's up to the mother. She was livid and confrontational demanding what I said with supervisor. I say I do not have to tell her that but to be sure I did not quit and it was her decision if I stayed. She said she did not want me to stay. I left. Next day I speak to a different supervisor who after investigating needed me to come in. I have to write statements about bruises and what happened. Then all the managers and the owner came to apologize over and over I was overwhelmed and honest about the embarrassment shame and loss of wages and the insult.
The owner mandated that I did not leave there without a nice easy assignment. I left with a card of appreciation and a gift card from Mac