The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Anyways I don't know worth of card. I have a new assignment that is closer starting on the fourth and I will try and find one more assignment to make me fulltime. This one is 32hrs and I have all the available options to choose from on my phone.
Gee whizz. I realize my growth in that I didn't break down or feed into the bait when confronted by the mother. Not to mention that she lied and in lying exposed her lies.shr said I went off on her and her "husband when she refused to sign my timesheet and that the nurse was ther when I arrived. I had my signed timesheet and the nurse witnessed that I had no contact with husband and I was calm cool and collective.
I pray that you all are in a good place and spirit.
Msuch love and appreciation for you all.
Rays of love and healing for us all.

I just lost my semi novel post. I pray you are all in a good place. I was posting about my need to be needed by my mother and how her needs and protection have been ingrained. I am ashamed afraid of this need that outside of my son has been the focus of my life. So who am I if I lose her. My son has his wife and daughters. I have had issues but I felt she loved him as I did and that was consoling. I know part of our journey was her accepting the love of my son for me and that bond and my realizing that presented a threat. Accepting so many things I didn't know I didn't know. My existence based on proving and qualifying for love. Any morsal justified a quest that should have been natural. My mother didnt like me nor my sister and I didn't like them either. My love for them both blinded the truth. My need for their love was my motivation. The truth was broke me. I can let go of that farce with my sister and nephews but my heart will always be stuck on my mother's well being as well as my son's.
I subconsciously raised my son in a way to be independent of me. Many times it hurt and mostly when I realized how much I meant to him after trying to not make him dependent on my love
Especially after losing my father. I just didn't want him to hurt.
Anyways I am full of tears about realizing this and I hope it helps someone somewhere.
This waking up is a painful journey.
Knowing myself it has to be a slow revelation otherwise I would be a much lost cause. Or fubar a not so pleasant term that we used in ems in a mind altering scene in an attempt to ground to sanity
f up beyond all repair. This forum is a source of strength understanding and truth so full of beautiful spirits. Thanks for bearing with my crazy and understanding. Love and Rays of peace.

This. Hits. Hard.
The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.
Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.
From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.
From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.
From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.
From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when s*** got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.
From all the lies and all the betrayals.
You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.
Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.
You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?
You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.
Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.
So, you don’t trust anyone.
And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.
To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.
“Never again,” you vow.
But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.
Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.
Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.
It’s a trauma response.
The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.
You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.
You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy.
You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.
You are worthy.
Worthy.
Simply because you exist.
-Jamila White, @inspiredjamila

Gladimhere,
Whether one is on the giving or receiving end, people are imperfect.

Your post is profound, will speak to so many here. Thanks for sharing!

Have you ever really needed support but the ones available were not who you wanted.....??

Or, you were just unable to ask, or trust?

💞

Glad... that hits hard for me, too. With family relationships, it makes more sense. They have this habit of kicking me when I'm down. I don't think any of them mean to be that way, but it's made me fiercely independent from family though I'm learning how to mend what I can and proceed with some boundaries in place. As for intimate relationships... I don't have a clue why I'm so reluctant, but I make all kinds of excuses to myself and to others. I've chosen well and I've chosen poorly in the past, but I tell myself it's just easier for me to be single and independent at this stage in my life. Your post makes some great points. I love "trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed." Love you! 💙

glad ((((((hugs))))))) You are singing my song. In my case I see the independence coming from having to do it myself as a child - look after myself, and others, knowing I couldn't rely on those I should have been able to rely on. Definitely a trust issue. At one point I trusted too much, which was foolish and then backlashed to not trusting at all. The truth is that none of us are totally trustworthy - we are human and we fail at times, even those we dearly love. Achieving a balance in relationships is difficult for me as I had no role model in my FOO. But I am still working on it.

I am getting to an age where I have to ask for help as I can't do what I once did. It's humbling

duck - in dysfunctional families it is very easy to lose ourselves to the needs of others at the same time losing ourselves to our need for them - the desperate dance for love and approval. I am glad you can let go of the farce with your sis and nephew. I believe that you can let go of the unhealthiness with your mother. Maybe not to day or tomorrow, but some time.

My dd once said to me that enabling my mother's mental illness was not doing her any good - nor me (obviously). That made me think about my choices. I knew she was right.

Focus more and more on caring for yourself. Your mother is being cared for by others, thanks to your efforts on her behalf.

(((((((hugs)))))

Terrible. My parents are both alcoholics and my father, especially, is mentally ill. He has been the sole caregiver for my mother who has been declining. She is incontinent, in constant pain from chemo, unable to get around....he yells at her constantly for making a mess. He tells her not to wear sleeveless shirts because she looks terrible. She has not eaten for 2 days and has not been able to get out of bed so he took her to the hospital. I tried to find out more but when I told him he has to stop being mean to her he yelled profanity at me and hung up on me. I live in a different town, but I want to call the hospital and report that she should not go back home. He is a horrible, awful person and we have all lived in fear of him our entire lives.

Golden your post hit hard. So true so deep.
The wave is easing up. I have a few more days before my new case. I feeling a little better. The heat doesnt help at all.
Havent done regular chores. Planted traditional inpatients in front. It was fun shopping for the plants
Now the task of watering them.
I hope everyone is in a good place. Ray's of love and healing to us all.
Change in my routine of work has thrown me off.
Anticipation about job.

Well, things had been going a little better with mom. Went to her home over the weekend. She still is up to some of her old tricks. Reading her medical encyclopedia (from 1987) as I walk into her home. I didn’t comment, even after she sighed deeply. I go and do her cleaning, told her of the meals I had planned out. Oh, that’s fine, whatever is easiest for you. Except on Sunday, she wanted hot dogs. Uh, ok? Made a simple meal of the hot dogs and sides. Oh it was so good. I made her favorite bbq next day. She said I should enter a competition. I laughed and said well some folks always asked what I would make at like a picnic or carry in meal, but I just google the easiest and best rated recipes. She then started griping, meat would not come apart (but it fell off of the bones cleanly). Could not eat any more, upset stomach. ???? The day before when she wanted to go on a drive, said I will be ready shortly. An hour into waiting, I asked nicely do you still want to go? Half crying said oh I have problems. Toilet was clogged. This is an expensive state of the art, maximum flush toilet. I got angry, because every time I am there, I am on cleanup duty for pee and poop. I hear, I can’t help it. Yes, when you say I should go into the bathroom but wait 30 minutes, yes you could have prevented poop on the floor, etc. Told me not to use a plunger but wait for water to go down. Yeah 15 to 20 minutes of plunging later, it finally flushed. I honestly do not think it was human waste with the blockage, as even her low flush toilet was never that blocked. I was dressed in an old tee shirt and shorts. I hear her say under her breath doesn’t she look a sight. I turned around and said you are going to say that after all of the stuff I have done for you this weekend? It really cut me. She said she never said a word. Doing lots of that lately. Fast forward where she heard my suitcase being zipped up, which is puzzling because her hearing is shot (rethinking that now…), she starts crying oh I hate when you leave, I love you. I was like??? I had a ton of stuff left to do, so continued with what I was doing. Then she asked about something that we’ve gone over many times before; a delay tactic. So I finally get ready to go, car is packed, go into house to say goodbye, she’s in the bathroom. Fortunately no clogs. I give her a hug, kissed her cheek, and get nothing back in return. Not the first time. I am like be the bigger person, move on from the passive aggressive stuff. As I was setting up my phone to charge in the car, a neighbor goes by with her cute dog, in a wagon. She’s old and it was hot. All tricked out like a doggy lux ride. Cracked me up. Mom was out, and she’s gotten angry that I think more of a dog than her before. She needs to be the center of attention all of the time. The neighbor couldn’t believe mom’s age, and that she lived on her own. I said well we don’t always get along, as it’s her way or the highway. Neighbor says oh I definitely get that with her. I hear ya. (Nice to know it’s not all on me, that I am not the one who is crazy as mom tells me). So I drive home, call mom. No answer. Called multiple times. Called today. I am certain she’s pissed off about me chatting with neighbor and the cute dog. My brother calls her as he drives home from work, so if there was anything amiss, he would have let me know by now. She’s just pouting, as narcissists do. So aggravating, because I didn’t do anything to her. She asked me if I didn’t miss going into the office (still remote), didn’t I miss people, didn’t I get lonely. Nope. I can entertain myself, contact friends via social media; I don’t need nor really want attention 24/7. She couldn’t grasp that I was ok with it. I am so odd to her; I am ‘funny’ aka weird and crazy. Her moods are going from anger to crying, which makes me wonder about mini strokes? She has some tests coming up in a few weeks, plus a new doctor who compliments her, so she loves him. Hope everyone is doing well.

Hello everyone!! This is my first time on here and I’ve been reading everyone’s posts and I must say, Wow!!!! There are so many of us out here that go through the same s*@& with our parents and our families!!! It’s shocking to say the least. I’ve read somewhere that our parents are the ones who damage us the most. I know my parents relationship really messed me up and doesn’t help that I also have mental illness run in the family. I was diagnosed as bi-polar but don’t know if that’s right. I think I have all of the mental illnesses combined into one!!!! My life has been okay but just had a lot of bad s^*@ happen to me. Abusive relationships, mentally and physically. Tbh, I don’t even know where to begin so I’ll just start at where I am today and how I’m feeling. Maybe later I can describe my pain from all the hurt I’ve endured my whole life. I am in the process of trying to come out of a severe depression that has gone on for over 4 years now if not longer. It just seems like I’ve had one hard hit after another and I can’t catch my breath and these days I refuse to go out much because I’m afraid I’m going to lose my s*+& and seriously hurt someone. I just can’t take one more thing it seems. I am a very loyal and honest person and I am always helping someone with their problems and neglecting mine. I have dropped all of my friends and most of my family because they’re toxic to me. I’m sorry if I’m all over the place but I’m sitting here hysterical crying because of what happened today and because I found u guys who have made things so much clearer for me. I appreciate every single one of you and for your words that have made me feel better and not so alone anymore. I’m surrounded by people who seem to only want to hurt me and keep me in that deep dark hole of depression but yet they tell me they want the opposite for me. So I’m going to try to make this sound right but having a hard time because I’m hurting so deeply right now and just needed to find someone who understands, just someone other than who I have already. A stranger. Here’s what I am going to do, I’m going to calm myself down and try to explain my situation and maybe get the help I’m looking for. Your words just have me a little mixed up right now and I’m so emotional. There was one post I read that REALLY hit home and had me crying my eyes out. It rang so true and I finally felt as if someone truly understood me and how I was feeling. Unfortunately I can not remember who’s post it was. I will look again since I screen snapped a photo of it to read again. I will return in a little while once I’ve got myself together snd not so scatter brained right now. Again, I just wanted to say thank you all for your words of encouragement and for sharing ur true feelings here. You probably do understand how good it feels to finally find someone who understands and is living the same nightmare as you!!!!! I love you all already and looking forward to being here as much as possible. Hope everyone is well and feeling okay today. Peace and love to all.

Gladimhere is the post that really hit me hard. Wow!!! I absolutely loved your post and really hit me hard. Thank you so much for your words!!!!! I can not begin to tell you how good they made me feel inside. I can’t even describe the feelings I am having over it!!!! There’s so many that I can’t find the one word to describe it. Just know that they are all good feelings and I think you are awesome for saying those words.

Kiki, welcome! Deep breaths and take your time. We are here to listen.

Kiki, welcome to this forum. You've found a great place with a lot of caring, kind people. This forum has helped me tremendously and I know it can do the same for you.

Mom is still not answering the phone, and she would pester me with a ton of calls as I would drive back to my house on prior trips. “Aren’t you home yet, where are you, what are you doing?” Then she would keep me on the phone for an hour or so once I got home, even though I would say gotta go, have to unpack, etc.
Now she has pouted before, but typically after an argument. There was no real arguing this time. She’s been crying without any real reason or provocation recently, which has me wondering if there have been mini strokes or something neurological going on with her. I would also have expected angry and lecturing voicemails by now, but nothing. Trying to figure out what I did this time, which honestly it’s my scapegoat self emerging again. Sometimes, yes, I do argue with her, so I am not without fault. She knows how to guilt trip and push all of my buttons. I have her number blocked for now, because if she calls, want to hear her mood before I jump right back in and call her (prepare/brace myself).
Reading everyone’s posts makes me feel less crazy and sort of lucky I don’t have more relatives calling and yelling at me. My one sibling just doesn’t talk to me, which is fine, because he can be very abusive. Silence is golden when it comes to him. Hope everyone has a better day today. I am ok, just puzzled by the recent developments.

Sisuzu I can feel your pain when you mentioned an insult responding with after all I have done for you. Hang in there you are not alone in your struggle.

I lost the no l was writing.
Kiki you are not alone in your struggle. This forum has saved my sanity. There are angels on board who will guide
You in learning about your issues give support and understanding.
Hang in and keep posting. There are no coincidences. This entire forum is a blessing.
Msuch love and Ray's of healing and protection to us all.

My mother has new home attendant because she abuse the younger attendant. The new one seems great.

My new assignment was good. I have to get used to hours. 16hours 2 days straight. Not fulltime. I am considering options as far as being fulltime for health insurance which I have not learned about actual benefits. A certain amount of monthly income determines the amount of monthly payments. It may not be worth the monthly payment.
Health insurance is a business I have to weigh the pros and cons of trying to keep fulltime statu

Hello everyone!   

duck, I’m with you all the way.  So much to deal with and dealing with support issues is big.  I send you love and blessing and you filter through everything to benefit your mom and you as well.  

it has been incredibly hot hot here in Idaho since the end of June.  11 consecutive day over 100 and 3 days at 99 and Saturday starts back up to 102 -104 the next week.  

I am planning to voting California on July 21.  Iwill stay with a friend on the 21st-22nd. The 23rd and 24th I will stay with my sister.  We will visit our brother onthe24th   I will leave for home shortly after.  
 
we have the boys 4 days a week.  Swim lessons 4 days a week.    Plus we take the boys to the pool we have for our subdivision.   

a badger has been roaming our subdivision.  We have not see. It, apparently it is small.

I posted because I could not see the last two lines I wrote. 

my sister and I will visit with our brother and our parents grave site.  My brothers wife takes flowers regularly to our parents as her family is right across the street.  I will get additional flowers to place on her family’s site.  I plan to visit by myself on Friday but will go again on Saturday so  my sister can 
be there.  

we have had a badger in our neighborhood starting around June 30.  I have not heard anything regarding sightings since July 3.  Apparently he/she is not very big, we are not letting our grandsons out front without our supervision.  They enjoy riding their scooters out front. I’m hoping the July 4th celebration noises scare it away.  

the duck that nested in our front flowerbed, laid 11 eggs, only 4 hatched and it happened during the night.  I was not able to get pictures. 

stay cool in all this heat and enjoy the summer.

So mom called me tonight, didn’t say one word, after I said hello a couple of times. I put the phone on mute because I have had similar weird encounters before with her. She wants a big fight, as that feeds her narcissistic supply. I try not to engage. So she finally hung up. I blocked her number as she’s called me before when angry about whatever around 2 to 4 a.m. I made the mistake of answering before and was very angry within 30 seconds. She then says what if it were an emergency. My sibling lives 3 miles away. I am 170 miles away. Plus, you call 911 if a serious emergency.
I anticipated her calling back and leaving a nasty voicemail. Bingo. She was upset that I talked with the neighbor and looked at her dog. Jealous of a dog. It was maybe 2 to 3 minutes max. Ridiculous. Then heard how she’s not felt well all week (I am sure it’s something I cooked for her because I can’t do anything right - LOL). She’s not going to the doctor for the EKG he wants; why bother (big sigh). And one woman at the church she used to go to a few years back, well her mother lives with her. She’s a good daughter! That mother isn’t left all alone. Well that mother is a very go with the flow type of person. When mom would talk with her or the daughter to complain about how the church did whatever small thing she didn’t like, both would be like oh it wasn’t an issue for them.
I keep a journal to vent, even writing in it during mom’s rant-a-thon phone calls. It’s a pattern of very happy, to ok, to pitying, to very dark moods. I can almost predict it from the first few words she says, or in this case, her actions.
I am still shaking my head though on why she’s mad now. She really demands or expects attention to be on her 24/7. It is just not possible and it is exhausting. If I had a SO, she’d be jealous of him. I keep any personal life from her, because if I go to a restaurant with friends, I hear, “I don’t get to go anywhere, I don’t get to do anything. I am the forgotten one”. My brother shares very little with her (I have heard their conversations when I have been there. It’s the weather, sports, maybe some local news. It’s really sad, but if you share something personal, she saves that item and then uses it against you somehow.
It is thankfully cooler here. No badgers around! I would probably scream if I saw one nearby. LOL
Take care everyone.

Welcome earthymama and kiki, welcome back sissisu, nice to see you here again, sharyn, hi duck and everyone else

earthy - terrible situation for your mom, Have you called anyone? APS (Adult Protective Services) as well as the hospital might help

sissisu - sounds like same old, same old with your mum. Do what you need to do for your own sanity.

kiki - we understand and we all here are survivors to some degree or another. I find that writing things out helps a lot.

duck - great news that your new assignment and the new aide are good.

sharyn - heat, a badger, ducks 🦆 and grandkids. That's a lot to cope with. Hope your visit to a friend and your parent's grave site go well and your time with your sis. I know it hasn't always been smooth.

Alternating heat and thunderstorms here but at least we get a bit of rain. The kitties are spending most nights out doing their kitty thing. They seem to stay pretty close to the house which is safest for them. I have adjusted my thyroid dose and the leg cramps I was having are going or gone, my vision is better and my mind is better focused. I call that a win! 👏.

Mother's estate is in the penultimate stage of completion and I have much of my personal tax stuff sorted. One more visit to my tax people should do it. It feels good to make progress. 😊 I have a visual of being in a tunnel with things flying at me (representing things I have to do). The number of things is decreasing, and the light is increasing. At one point of caregiving there wasn't much light.

Dd has been very helpful with this and that - things I could do but she can do more easily. I am thankful.

Take care, all. You are important!

Golden, my friend I was going to stay with for 2 nights has backed out because she is very concerned about the delta variant of Covid. I will be with my sis for 3 nights. Our sis-in-love is having a bbq with all the kids and grands so we will be able to see our nephews too I’m leaving on Thursday and on Friday my sis and I are going to drive up in the sierras to visit the Place we spent all our summers camping. She hasnt been there in 35 years or more.

no sign of the badger since July 3. We had 2 deer in the neighborhood early one morning. We are surrounded by farm land and the open desert is about 4 miles down the road. My daughter said there have been times when mountain lions came into town and they lockdown the schools. Hasnt happened since we have lived here. We do have one pronghorn antelope that shows up in the winter on the farmland behind our subdivision.

take care everyone, sending love and healing.

edit: My brother was hospitalized for a short time. He woke up one day with middle back pain and his brain immediately goes into the icu delirium state. The dr to,d my sis-in-love that this is a protection mechanism his brain to resort to when he is in pain or ill.

The Sierras sound truly idealic - nature is always the best cure for the soul isn't it.

I am just watching travel shows on beautiful Scottish lochs & mountains - from this latest snap lockdown 😶

Hey does anyone know the name for 'excessive talking'?

I had always suspected General Anxiety Disorder & at times, Adjustment Disorder, in a close relative but this is fairly new. Fast speech, talks from own topic to own topic, may ask questions but leaves no gap for reply, any attempt to shift topics gets reverted back to own topic.

I thought maybe Attention Deficit Hyperactivity but this is new, not lifelong. 🤔

Beatty, the unofficial answer would be a ‘chatterbox’. 😊

Some people during the manic phase of Bipolar disorder, speak very fast.

Thanks Need. Or Chatty-Cathy ☺️. More pics flowing my way, just so one-sided you know? No how are you & yours 😞. Reckon ghosting will have to be the answer for now 👻

Logorrhoea (no, really).

I've noticed this in people who are taking morphine, e.g. a normally reticent gentleman but just after he's had his Oromorph you can't shut him up; and an elderly lady with one of those diabolical once-weekly patches, and on Tuesdays and Wednesdays she was a nightmare to get away from - only in her case I think she might have had pre-existing tendencies,

Would your relative have any need for opiates?

I have a dear older friend who is in her early 80s. She talks A LOT, and often leaves no gaps for me to reply. This is the way she's been since I met her 20 odd years ago. When I visit her, she does most of the talking. When it's time to leave, it takes at least 30 minutes to an hour from the time I say "I've gotta go" to when I get in the car and drive away because she keeps finding new things to talk about. I tell my husband it takes a long time to actually leave after I say bye. He suggests that when I go to visit her, I say hi and bye right away. Haha.

Logorrhoea - wow thanks 😃

Possible pain control after a fairly recent injury? Hmmm.. interesting.. I can sus that out.