The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cheyenne, I have been there and done that, not making fun of your situation. I don’t know your situation. I can say that there are times we must step back and put ourselves first. It sounds like that is where you are at. Take a needed break, you may be surprised that things will be taken care of by others once they see you are not currently able to.

Ali, I'm happy for you that you have found a balance that works for you.

I've been feeling really down lately. Missing my cat Daniel a lot. For those of you who don't read other threads we had to have him put down August 18th. It's amazing how a little furry being can capture your heart and not let go. I still have my other cat but it's just not the same around here without Daniel.

Plus ever since getting my second covid vaccine I've been feeling really dull and lackluster. Even my face looks different. There is a spark that seems to have left my appearance. I feel like everything is an effort. Even just blow drying my hair leaves me exhausted. I feel like crying when I have to bend over to pick something up. No kidding...........I do hope this passes soon.

Failing to 'protect' the person in my home who constantly goes after the old, spoiled food in the fridge, but has been known to sort through the trash.
I cook and prepare food regularly, but he is on a roll, eating the 12 day old chicken. The fridge is packed, I can't even find things in there.

"three to four days:
According to the USDA, cooked chicken will last three to four days in the refrigerator, and two to three months in the freezer. Eating cooked chicken after this point can result in foodborne illness — even at refrigerated temperatures, bacteria can still grow".

We have employee appreciation bbq on Saturday. I will not be going. Too many people indoors, no masks or intent to mask even if needed in this rogue county.
Just not going to risk it and make sure that HR knows why.

There has been so much good ol boy crap at work lately the powers have a very hard time treating people the same. Thinking about doing something about it. Now a committee member made a rude comment, harassing comment about my surgery. There has been so much crap over the years. I don't play their games and they don't like it, not one little bit.

Countdown to a full moon, 4 days.
Here is what I am doing now:
Hunkering down, keeping a low profile, trying not to instigate disagreements, keeping emotions in check. Watching old reruns on T.V. to distract myself.
Trying not to panic after someone's bad behaviors.

Eating a nice salad for dinner, then some ice cream for dessert! y u m . 🍨

Early to bed.

Greetings to you all. I hope all is well with everyone.

Golden I. Glad you enjoyed the birthday.
Yes my son's visit was great. 4 years. I didnt cry in front of him but I bgg did when he came and after he left.


I did my thing and cleaned halls and set up him a nice space. It felt strong today. I guess feeling cared for builds us up. This morning the door was unlocked when I came In plus the aide was not there. On two previous occasions she didnt come in and another time she was very late. Each time I came home surprised and i asked her to.please inform me also. She stays in touch with mybsidtervwho signs her time sheets. I told her I asked her for this courtesy in past that next time I will agency and ask where she is or if she called in. I felt very strong in addressing this. I don't have anything to do with her communicating.
Wwith my sister I dont like being left out the loop. I explained that I call my clients when I'm going to be delayed a while just so the are not alarmed. I want help but feel cast out and feeling like it is a goal of my sister. As I mopped down hallways and stair case I came across cat poop not to mention resenting having to clean up her old cat vomit areas from years past. It was hard at first to overlook and be able to walk past and not care. I felt its three of them walking past thisband I can learn to do same. But i couldnt expose my son. Actually it was so nice to see clean and fresh after so long. It touches me it gets to me.
Ali glad to see you getting progress with meds.
I have many sleepless nights some times ibcsntvget the worry or stress out of my mind.
Anewsy I am grateful and look forward to visiting my son at thanksgiving for a few weeks.
Rays of peace and healing for us all. Hugs to all.

My father might be in a NH but I still am his caregiver who goes to the NH all the time to make sure things are ok and that he has clean clothes brushes his teeth put deodorant on ECT... SOOOOO I'm still the caregiver who is burned out. I called my dad today because they have COVID cases in the NH and I can't go in so when I call and he still saying come get me that he needs to go to the bank and I don't understand and that someone whoever needs to come now. My heart can't take anymore and I'm the only visitor that sees him because my brother and sisters are asses. I feel bad I feel sad I feel guilty I feel sick a lot this caregiver in done mentally. I know I have to keep going and I 'am.

HI! Where is everyone? Maybe not posting is a good sign. I am not posting a lot because this phone is so inconvenient.




I hope all is well with everyone.
Babybrooks I think it's a loving caregivers plight. Especially when your life has been revolving around the loved one well being. My mother being a narcissist had me well programmed to her needs and happiness. So much so that I can deeply feel her changes. She is home and I will often find myself depressed deeply and tearful because l am helpless in fixing anything now. And its after I am in this state for a painful while that I realize I am killing my self slowly stressing and worrying. I am so afraid to lose her and it's a reality if I don't go first. It's like she is part of my life force.

So I know I need to get away. I have anxiety issues with everything. I am looking forward to getting away to see my son and family in Ca for Thanksgiving. I wouldnt be able if the aides weren't here and the guardianship. I'd probably come to changed locks on my return.

I think you need to take a break and take care of you. Build yourself up inside out.
Hand in.
Love peace and healing to us all.

Tomorrow we will have one of our grandsons for the day. He has a fever 102*f, stuffed up sinuses and coughing. I’m glad we have the covid vaccine and flu vaccine. I’ve already been exposed to him since I was at my daughters house onMonday making caramel apples.

I will wear a mask tomorrow for extra protection. I hope he just has a minor virus and since E is sick, it’s possible L will get it as will.

Only a grandparent would welcome a sick, snotty nosed kid, I'd be saying no thank you 🤣

Lold Cwilllie that was cute.
Allthe best Sharyn. I think it's a priviledge to spend time with the Grands.

I have just discovered Florence Scovel Shinn. She wrote "The game of life and how to play it." and other works. I first listened in utube and then downloaded her works. It's great. I was reading the book this morning about the law of resistance and how if we dont respond the upsetting situation lose their power. I had spoke with my friend who always says I shouldn't be surprise at my sister's antics and how in past she had done a lot of crying and then things didnt bother her. I may not be making this clear. But when I was reading the pdf it started to make since.
I just have to figure it out.

My sister has a new flying monkey. Eva the aide. She gives her money and is her eyes and ears. She is also cooking for my sister. So sometimes when I cook i made enough for us all but notice she didnt give my mother the dishes i left sometimes.
I got call from APS ms Marks of visit last friday. Before this the nursing agency called about helping the aides with my mother. Turns out that aide had called twisted for help and she refused saying today was not her day. So my sister me with them before I got there I was in the laundry and running errands and something made me go to house I was going to wait for clothes to dry.
Aanyways they were all out side in uproar because lights were out.
The circuit breaker flips when I have the convection ovens on and use microwave. All the aide know this and I show them how to turn back on.
My twister manage to poison these people and make it look like I was the problem. I was rudely told not to plug in any high electrical appliances and there was an electrician coming and there was no need for heaters because it's not cold. The tone and spirit was insulting to say the least.

So while we are in the house this supervisor is speaking adamantly to eva saying my mother is her only concern she is not to fo anything for us. Over and over. I asked if she could tell me what this was a out she made question obsolete and didnt answer. The aps woman came and explained how the nurse agency called complain abou my sister sending aide to store and refusing to help that day. Anyways down the line the aide stated my sister helps more. This is because she helps them bathe her but then she goes up. The fact is she is doing more than she ever has. It does not take away from what I do. It's not a competition but it fed into the mission that I was the problem.
I told her we both help but my sister helps Her more. I dont feed into her hustle for money. I got her game early on
I go to pantries and I was giving her a lot of stuff which she gave to people in her building then she asked me that I could get the things the people were willing to pay and we could split it. I didnt want to hurt her feeling but said I give from my heart not for money. I had other issues with her overstepping boundaries. Opening thing injustice bought gokngbinto supplies and using my things. She was saying oh I bought your mother books only to discover they were my books.
Anyways I had mind to run it all down on her but I kept my mouth shut. That day I also told her to be careful following my twister that she already thru her under the bus over the medications. She has now taken over the meds and actually keeps them upstairs. The neds should be where anyone can get to them. I also told this supervisor to get us some counseling after her tirade about our dysfunction.
So I was back to brokenness in my heart so tired and helpless at my twister s scheme to undermine and make me obsolete. I just leave it let it play out because I know down the line she will expose her self.
I feel much better now we R 6 months in and ba e a long ways to go.
Llooking forward to seeing my son and family specially the grands next month
Ray's of love and healing to us all.

Cwillie, very true! Only a grandparent, lol! Our son in law wants him tested for Covid since he was up coughing most of the night. We are trying to figure out who is taking him to get tested and when…our daughter didn’t want to take off work because they are shorthand plus she has surgery coming up soon, but may have to just be late to work today so he gets tested.

Hi posting and responding here is semi new for me as i dont get on as much as i would like, but this topic caught my eye. i would just like to say god bless all of us who r in this world of caregiving, dysfunctional, and such now at 64 single no children and losing my mom 9/3/21 after being her 24/7 caregiver since 2014 i bitched, i cried, i felt guilty, and i wanted to die at times and to add dysfunctional to the mix WOW that was me. i lost my first brother in 2014, my dad in 2018, my other brother and my mom in 2021, i am/was the trunk of this family and i hope, wish, pray for all of you to have peace, courage, strength, and love. I coming from his/hers/ours, not easy that alone w/o any other drama. god and tears have been my sanity. starting a life at 64 again I never dreamed it would be me i found and find strength in these online groups, they r my life line god bless all of u and hang on, this to shall pass its what we keep that will break or mold us in the future.

I am not doing to well with my siblings. This journey I am on has brought me in more contact with my siblings but most of them I now respect much less. I now look forward to the day that I will see them less of them if at all. It is the same thing I hear over and over again on this site. I take most of the responsibility and make the commitment and the others just want to come by and have tea. I used to think well that's something. But now I am thinking they should just stay away. On the other hand this experience has brought me closer to some people in my family that come through for me and I will always respect them for that. I am no saint and probably can not do the things for my mother for much longer. I am going to work on moving on from this situation and hope that what follows is
better for everyone. My plan is to take it in small steps. I am my mother's live in
and primary caregiver. Part of me hurts a lot that I can not continue but taking these steps will give me hope. The anger that now arises is not good. I have never felt so much anger in my life.
c

Tomfsc it's hard for me to explain but the anger and resentment can slowly kill you. My sibling issue is and I guess will always be difficult. It hurts. I am learning to leave it in God's Hands and when I do my heart and mind his at ease. It's a process I am working on. As I get better at it I feel better. The pain and resentment is still there but holds a smaller place in my heart.
I wish you all the best in this struggle.

I pray you all are in good spirit and health.
Rays of peace love and healing to us all.

Hey Duck, I saw a few posts back you said something about people not posting much here. I'm following the thread but AC rarely shows me there's anything new here in my news feed. I like what you said about pain and resentment becoming smaller. When I think about hurtful family/situations from the past, I remind myself that no one else is paying rent in my head, and they're not allowed to take up space there. I still struggle with emotions at times, though. Probably always will to some degree.

If I were in your situation, since aides are saying/doing different things and APS is calling you, I would document some short notes every day about any interaction you had with mom, sis, or agency/aides. Just concerned about you and I know how sideways things can go if someone starts reporting false info about you. It's sad, but protect yourself, please.

Glad, I'm proud of you that you stand up for yourself at work. I wish I would have learned to do that many years ago. How are things going there?

Hey Sharyn, how's E?

Tom, the anger that can come from caregiving situations, especially if they're dysfunctional families, is like no other. I'm convinced of that. It can help drive you to make necessary changes for yourself, hopefully.

To the new posters -- This is a great thread and can be a godsend for caregivers in dysfunctional situations. Please keep posting!

To

Just ticked off lately. Dad lives with me and my wife. He gets $1500 from SSI. Not other income. He pays his bills (insurance mostly). He gives $250 a month to his church and spends the rest going out for meals with his lady friend or lodge friends. I pay 100% of the expenses for our home. He has very nice accommodations, own living room, bed room and bath. I do all the cooking, shopping, etc. The only thing we make him do is his own laundry (he is capable).
Any transportation to Dr, barber, church, I do. He eats out at least 4 to 5 times a week. OK, he has to get out, I get it but now he is paying for his lady friend before it was dutch. This is her MO, I know this from a very small town and I know the people she was involved in before she set sites on my dad. He can spin a yarn and make a sweater so I am sure she thinks he is loaded. He doesn't have anything other than SSI. My gripe is he gives nothing to me for house expenses. I haven't asked in 8 years. I make dinner every night, buy his fruits, milk, lunch meats, bread anything he needs for food. Never a dime. Yes, when I spent almost a year traveling back and forth taking care of him I lost money with work. I cleaned out the house and his business and moved him in with me. He did give me one of his old vehicles and he took Mom's car. I used that vehicle to buy a new vehicle for myself ($9,000 trade-in). I felt guilty after I found out about the last bankruptcy because right before they were told to go buy 2 new vehicles which they bought very good vehicles with all the service and then declared bankruptcy, which I traded on my new vehicle, then I saw the papers. I don't think I would have done that had I known. He did give me one of his covid stimulus checks which why he even got one I don't understand. So 8 years later and I have received $10,000 in income from him. I am not complaining about the amount but you would think if you are living with someone paying all the bills and cooking your meals that maybe you would at least offer a few bucks toward the extra heat all day, electricity, the cable bill, and extras to go with that? Maybe chip in for gas when you are being taken to the Dr. and anywhere else you need to go?
He spends on his friends but never on us (I'm not asking but at least offer). Mom always handled his bills and they declared bankruptcy twice. There were times both my sister and I had to give them money (I found out later as well), I had to give them a credit card in later years so he could buy supplies for his business. He just kept spending. Before all that I thought they were good with money the way they spent and traveled all the time on cruises and vacations. It wasn't until mom died and I went through all the papers did I know about it. mom hid a lot very well. If I knew the money trouble I would have put my foot down on how they lavished my kids and us. They both grew up post-depression and had very little as kids so I get it. The issue is he gets money and spends it as fast as he can. Tax check boom, he spends it, Christmas gift cards he spends them. He has no concept of how to put money away.
I tried when mom died, I paid all his bills with his money and showed him what bills to pay and when. He is in charge of his account I am on the account to have access so I see what he spends on. When I took over I told him here is your income and here is your per diem on how much you can spend basically per day or month.
He does not get it, for a few years, I always had to give him money to get him by. Now he has a few hundred left in savings from his stimulus check. Once it goes he will be on his own because I won't give him any money.
it's like breakfast, I was making his oatmeal every morning to keep him regular to stop clogging my toilet. It seemed to work until last week when his lady friend showed up at lunchtime (he just got up) and he threw what I made in the trash. Oh well no more breakfast being made for him.
It is just frustrating to

TG, herein lies the issue:

" I am not complaining about the amount but you would think if you are living with someone paying all the bills and cooking your meals that maybe you would at least offer a few bucks toward the extra heat all day, electricity, the cable bill, and extras to go with that? Maybe chip in for gas when you are being taken to the Dr. and anywhere else you need to go?"

YOU are a reasonable and nice person. Your father is not.

Things need to be spelled out for him in words of one syllable. "Dad, you are going to have to start contributing X$ per month to the household; you deserve the dignity of paying your own way and not getting a free ride from us".

Yes, he will Bitc$h and moan to lady friend, to neighbors and to your siblings. But the IDEA that he is paying something is going to make YOU feel better, I think.

Just do that and let us know how that goes.

And just WOW! Your parents were incredibly irresponsible people, financially. In your shoes, I would feel immensely resentful of that--they spent money instead of saving for retirement. And chose to balance their budget on YOUR and your childrens' backs. That really sucks.

Ali so great to see you post. I will take your advice thanks for understanding. I have a lot of work to do as far as how this stuff affects me. Sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I into a funk.
My father's anniversary was the 31st. 41 years and it still hurts. My son went to a family reunion in Colorado and they had pics of my mother and father. The pics were vibrant and captured the moments. I showed to my mother and they made her laugh and smile. It was so uplifting.
TG we are all a work in progress and one thing for sure is BarbBrooklyn keeps it real and gives good advice. There are so many times my perspective and growth has been positively and impacted from comments and posts.

I miss seeing posts from a lot of special folk who have touched my life and my heart. I know I dont check in as much as I would like but I look forward to hearing about the happy holiday moments.

Rsays of love peace and healing to everyone

Tg, how does your wife feel about this situation with your dad, where he spends as much as he wants and doesn't contribute to household? Your situation reminded me of behavior contingencies -- something I'm studying in school. You are preventing your dad from experiencing the consequences of his behavior. In a direct way, you're maintaining his current behavior. Not giving him any more money going forward is a good idea. And though you haven't done this in the past and it may be hard to change course now, you can put a simple agreement in place where he pays some amount each month on the day he gets his SSI. I get it that you'd much rather he was a more responsible person and would offer, but... he's shown you who he is and you have to decide if you can live with things as-is, or not.

Your acts of kindness are harming your relationship with your dad, since you resent his irresponsibility and selfishness. Keeping it going isn't helping you or your dad. You're hurting yourself through anger/resentment over the situation, but you CAN change it. Set up reasonable expectations, and then follow through on consequences for your dad's behavior. The rest is up to him.

Hope this sounds as encouraging as it's meant!

Hello everyone! We all got hit with a virus which started with me and our grandson E. He and I were covid tested, results were negative. Our other grandson was also covid tested (required by their school), he also was negative. We are have all recovered, thank goodness.

We are leaving to SoCal for a few days on Friday, our son is getting married. We are looking forward to meeting our new daughter in law to be and her 11 year old daughter.

Thank you for asking about E, Ali. I hope you are well. Sounds like you are busy with school.

Sharon great to hear the good news that you all have recovered and it's not covid.

TG, AliBo is giving good solid advice
Ali I have always appreciated your clarity and advice.
It feels good to be in a nice place emotionally. I am noting my growth. There was more drama, I let it out.
Rays of love and healing to us all.

Thanks,
I am trying, every day it gets tougher. I try to just let it roll off my back, I keep getting told one day you will regret (insert whatever comment). None of the commentators live it.
It was his birthday and I cooked a very nice meal for him and my daughter and SIL. We all had a good time, of course he has to chime in on every conversation, I let it go. I made him a cake we all cleaned up and he just retreated to his room. Yesterday is birthday and I cooked him a fresh lobster and muscles and made something else for my wife and me. Nothing like "hey this is special, thanks?" No, he just clawed it open like he hadn't eaten in a month (I did prep it so it was all opened for him), after dinner I had to wash the table floor and seat, it's like having a toddler at the table. My wife had to tell him to wash his hands before he put them on the walls to walk down the hallway. He was scarfing the food down and making sounds like he was choking, I had to tell him to slow his eating down, his shirt was stained with lobster and muscle drippings. I don't get why he has to eat like a horse, actually horses eat with better manners. Oh well, I did get a "dinner was good" out of it.
The crap I do.... then after dinner its "can you take me and drop me off at a lunch tomorrow?" Yup, just the cook, chauffer and bottle washer.........

TG, who is in your ear, telling you that one day you will regret WHAT?

If it's your dad, and he thinks you treat him poorly, then you might say, "then I think we should find you a better place to live, Dad. Clearly you're not happy here, and frankly, neither are we".

If it's someone you're complaining to, like a friend, clearly you need to be talking to someone different.

My dysfunctional family story...My sister is 62 and has metastatic cancer. A little backstory, my only sibling has had mental issues her whole life. She is 6 years younger than me and all I remember as a kid is her yelling and screaming and slamming doors when she would not get her way. My parents never sought out psychological help for her and enabled her as long as I can remember. After she graduated from college, she worked for five years then said she didn’t want to work anymore. So, she moved back home with my parents and stayed on their health insurance because they made her an “employee” of their small business they ran. She still lives in the family home. Over 20 years ago, my mom got cancer and died after six grueling months. My dad and I took mom to all of her appointments and chemotherapy. My sister “could not handle it”. That was fine because my dad and I did ok. Then 9 years ago, my father developed liver failure and my sister called me up and said "you have to take in dad, I can’t deal with this". My husband and I took my dad in till he passed away five months later. My husband and I took over the family business 18 years ago along with the enabling of my sister by keeping her on the company’s health insurance. Fifteen months ago, when she got sick with stage 4 cancer, I took her to every appointment, bought her all her food/prescriptions and paid all of her bills. Honestly, I thought she would pass away after six months to a year due to how far her cancer spread. I decided to help her even though every time I was with her she would scream (literally) about how she did not want to die and how young she was and life is not fair. I calmly listened to her at the beginning because Lord knows how I would react to that diagnosis. She refused mental health help and stopped talking when I would bring it up. So, here we are 15 months later, immunology is shrinking her tumors and she feels good. I started to bring up the subject of her driving herself to appointments because I have a lot on my plate running a business and taking care of my family’s needs. Then came the tantrums of “You are my sister you have to take care of me, I have enough pills to kill myself, you have to let me move in with you", and on and on and on. I was desperate because I was doing everything my parents did for her and I did not know how to step off the crazy train. I even hoped to break a leg or something to get out of seeing her because I felt like throwing up every time I was with her. Again, I begged her to talk to someone better equipped than me to deal with her emotions, no luck. It is very difficult to provide care for someone that is both physically and mentally ill as many of you on this forum know. Last month, my whole family got Covid-19…I called her and said you are on your own because we are all sick and cannot be near you for two weeks. Wouldn’t you know it, she is now driving herself everywhere without my help. This made me stronger where I terminated her “employment” and got her on Medicaid in our state so she does not have to deal with the monthly payments and deductible which she would have handed to me to take care of anyway. It took getting Covid-19 to get me to say no. I will be there for her when she physically needs my help if or when her cancer starts to grow again but not any sooner. In the last 15 months, my blood pressure has been a bit out of control and I had Shingles last October, so I knew that my health had to be addressed. My advice? Say "no" and set boundaries BEFORE you start wishing to get sick yourself in order to get out of the situation.

RMS, what a great story! Thank you for sharing it.

TG, did you read RMS's story? It is the kind of thing that a lot of us here are talking about--YOU make a change and the situation changes.

Stop trying to let stuff "roll off your back". It doesn’t work.

along the family enabling line…

My BFF sister is living in So Cal alone after her DH passed five years ago. The sister was married to an older man for about 40 years. They developed a gambling problem (lottery) and became estranged from extended family. At one time they had good jobs and bought a condo in a retirement community. They had taken the equity from the condo more than once so there is a mortgage and a HOA that takes a third of her SS. Sister has no friends or children and while she is able to drive, shop for food, manage her diabetes, she is basically a hermit.
Sister was nearing foreclosure after her DH passed. BFF made several trips from New Mexico to California to help. Sister was living in a filthy home with her aging cat. BFF helped her clear her home, took her around to look at alternative housing and finding nothing for less, finally made a deal with sister that she would pay her mortgage if sister would walk 10,000 steps daily and attend therapy weekly. Sister complied but has not improved. With the pandemic sister was able to stop paying her mortgage for over a year. Now the moratorium is over and the mo mortgage is once again due. BFF has decided that she has only enabled her sister to remain stuck in her mental illness (learned helplessness) by paying the mortgage. She traveled to Ca again and found her sister in even worse condition than before and in spite of the walking (done in her home) she has gained another 30 lbs, has stopped cooking, has broken appliances and basically spends her days watching tv. Hygiene has all but stopped. The therapist has been pushing sister to move to her birth home in Texas where the cost of living is less. There is one brother still living in Texas. He has poor health of his own and can’t care for his sister although he has agreed to let her move in while she looks for an apartment. So my BFF is in So Cal where the weather is beautiful and the grounds are gorgeous but the condo is filthy. BFF is having it cleaned, painted and made ready for sale while her sister is struggling to organize her few belongings to move. She plans to call an elder attorney for advice on how to safeguard the proceeds from the sale of the home so that sister can’t gamble them away and to be repaid for the mortgage payments she has made without jeopardizing sisters ability to qualify for Medicaid should it become necessary. She has told sister if the equity isn’t protected that she won’t help her sell the home or move. She expects the equity will be gone in five years.
She is going to call the psychiatrist who writes the prescription for the anti anxiety/depression meds and let him know the meds aren’t working. I suggested a geriatric psychiatrist.
BFF doesn’t think she can both manage sister and get the home ready for sale. She is looking for another family member to drive sister from So Cal to Texas as she is afraid sister can’t manage the drive alone. BFF is sick since arriving. Although the cat has passed, the house has not been cleaned in years. She said she had to wash dishes for two hours after arriving and another two hours were spent cleaning the bathroom. Her immediate goal was to get all the flat surfaces cleared. She has a cleaner coming on Thursday. BFF is a minimalist who finds all the clutter and filth especially stressful. She does not want to be her sisters keeper/caregiver. Neither does the brother. She is convinced the sister will let the condo go into foreclosure if she doesn’t help her sell it first. The sister is willing to do whatever BFF asks although she is clearly stressed at just having BFF in her home. Sister was sweating profusely and physically ill the first few days after BFF arrived. Panic attacks?? Sunday she made a slight improvement and was able to clear some paperwork. BFF expects her sister to be a recluse in her apartment after the move. She plans to encourage her to find a housekeeper. Thoughts or feedback appreciated.

So come home last night after visiting friends for 3 hours, dad was out at church then lunch with his friend. I take my dog out and bring her back in off the driveway she starts licking something. I look down and it is poop. a long strip of runny poop. Not an animal I knew it was human.
Long story short after getting my dog off it. I come into the hose and I can smell it, the bathroom was a disaster, poop everywhere. Apparently, he has another poop attack. 2nd in a couple of months. My wife was through the roof, he threw his clothes in the washer on top of our clean sheets. The smell was horrible. Paper towels, the toilet the door. Everything has to be decontaminated. Of course, he is sound asleep. We were not quiet at all. cleaning everything. I don't know where he put the clothes, he is good at hiding things. The last time I had to hose everything down in the driveway.
He stayed in his room all evening only coming out once to go to the bathroom. I have to have a talk with him today to get a full workup. He goes out has lunch and the second time that he has had an issue. Of course, he went to lunch for a nice Italian meal, most likely fried I guess.
My neighbor had a similar issue and it turned out to be colon cancer. Untreated he passed away. I had to help his wife a few times when the same thing happened to him.
Too many times I am cleaning his crap up, off the bed, the toilet or he is clogging the toilet (alto lately) I think he is using too much paper.
I try to feed him appropriate food but he goes out and eats whet ever he wants and we pay the price.
My wife is buying new bed sheets today over this. She is a saint to deal with this but it is really getting to me. I know he will lie about what happened. Getting tired of cleaning off the toilet, the walls, the piss all over the place. We bought the house my wife always wanted. Now it is turning into a nursing home. Does anyone else have experience with the loose bowels issue? He always wants a stool softener, tells me his is too hard then this happens.