The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

TG, gross! My mom had chronic D for many years. Her geriatrician suggested we try a probiotic and it worked very well. Check with his doc to get thoughts.

It has been a day. I am helping care for mother who is in her 90's and has vascular dementia. She still lives with my stepdad in their home. He is a ...? Jackass? Know it all? I don't even know where to begin. Their house should have been torn down or declared unsafe YEARS ago. As my mother has gotten older and the dementia has progressed, she has turned over her entire life - from what she eats and how much, to what she believes her doctors should be doing to take care of her - EVERYTHING to him. He is just stupid. I am sure he loves my mother, in his own way, but it is all about him. They eat when and what he wants, etc....and he is extremely impatient with my mother. He refuses to do ANYTHING positive/helpful for her unless it is convenient for him. He doesn't believe anything her doctors say (he knows better) and actively encourages her to be non-compliant. He criticizes my mother for drinking too much water!!! His reasoning is that "she will get used to having water." What??? He has no interest in helping with her daily medication reminders, or recognizing that she should not be driving anymore. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Talking to my mother is a non-starter as she defends him constantly and will always take his side. The main problem for me is not caring for my mother, it is how to work around my step-dad! Sigh. Thank you for listening.

NoTryDoYoda, long time no see. Are you and your wife doing okay?

RMS1965 I admire your strength. It's a tough spot we get put in and you seemed to survive it.
We put ourselves in these situations, I don't know how things would have turned out if I didn't take dad in. there was no one to help. Sister, nope, brother hell no (but he was willing to live off my dad's business), that left me. Dad asked to come live with me and I had no choice. He was out of money besides SSI and isn't the kind to take care of himself unless it is going out to dinner or spending money on himself.
This week I've had to clean the bathroom so many times, he can't seem to hit the toilet! So we clean the bathroom many times a day.
Friday I got my booster shot and I must have had something brewing. Friday night hit with a 101 fever, chills sweat, headache, etc. All-day Saturday into Sunday. Sunday AM, I'm laying on the couch yet again. He comes down for church and asks if I was feeling any better. I said the same... He asks if I can take him to church..... I said I guess so..... He goes into the kitchen and asks my wife how I am, She said "You just asked him." He replies, "well he doesn't always tell the truth...." So I am supposed to tell him I feel wonderful? Un friggin believable. Somehow I managed to cook breakfast before that for my wife and me that he seemed to be able to eat once he got up. He was expecting me to take him to a funeral in the afternoon but apparently changed that being that he needed a ride home so he went to church and had ice cream and pie and then went out for lunch with his friend.
What burns me is that I am supposed to do everything for him and yet he never reciprocates to us. he's not an invalid, trust me when food is on the docket for the day he is up and ready to go.
With his crapping himself at places, I had him make an appointment with the Dr who was on the phone and he didn't tell me until days later. The Dr. said he gets constipated so that makes for his blowouts. And to not eat grape and oranges (that I buy him) because there is too much suugar. Guess there is no sugar in ice cream.
No, I cannot send him to an NH, he's not ready, No he cannot live on his own even with medicare. no, he has no other place, his entire life he has been taken care of.
Just tired, beaten down mad, angry, and just plain miserable. Othere than that, whoopie!
Thank for listening.

gladimhere, thanks, he had a call with his Dr and now he is taking medimuscile, of course, if he ate healthier that might work, but he doesn't like what I cook much, like green, lean meats, nothing fried etc... I made him oatmeal every morning until he threw it out one day to go to lunch with his friend. Well that ship sailed...
if he ate whole grains, fiber, and on a regular basis things would work better, but he does not listen to me. I cook one meal a day for the 3 of us. I cook breakfast for my wife and me at 6 AM, he doesn't get up until 11 most days, unless there is a lunch to go to. I cook dinner every night mostly pretty healthy. we pack my wife's lunch every day and I eat leftovers, I don't cook 3 meals a day for him. he can certainly find food in the fridge if there was a pie, a cake, or something good he would find it in a heart beat and he does. If I buy something new he finds it 10 minutes after I bring it home like a little kid with toy in the cereal box.

So I just have to comment here. Not complain. Just the fact with my family. Now, this is coming from my dad. My family tends to make stories more than what they may really be.
My sibling has cancer which is being treated, we are not close at all due to a whole lot of crap from childhood that will take many psychologists to figure out, but that is my problem.
My other sibling has been helping him even though she has to drive many hours to help him. That's on her as I won't (see above). So last night at dinner my wife asks dad how my sibling is doing. He only reports that when he was with social services with my sister trying to get assistance for income and medical needs that he has $1,000,000. of artwork. So there ended the story of how my sibling was.
He has artwork but I really don't think that artwork you bought at the store in the mall in the 70s is worth that kind of money, and if it really was would you think to sell it to pay for your medical care and since you are not working help care for yourself?
This is how my family rolls..... Ask dad how someone is and he tells a headline or a story. He can't hold a conversation or show compassion about others. Ask how someone is and he tells a grandiose story. This is how I have listened to things my entire life. Insert eye roll every time a story is told.

tgengine,
Can you make your Dad oatmeal again?
Give him another chance?


 You said he has always needed taking care of:
"I made him oatmeal every morning until he threw it out one day to go to lunch with his friend. Well that ship sailed..."

tgengine,

I can totally relate to your family dynamic. There's not a million dollars in artwork. The grandiose stories and the blatant lack of empathy for anyone or anything that isn't directly related to the elderly parent. I get you.
With my mother the grandiose stories are replaced with martyrdom about her having the hardest life in the world and all the sacrifices she made for us.
What sacrifices? My mother and father really did the very bare minimal for us. Yet to hear her talk about how hard she worked. Then in her old age I do a hundred times what she ever did, but I dont anything.
I live like a slave. No privacy, no breaks, no nothing. My mother thinks it's absolutely fine to enter the bedroom when I'm getting dressed or the closed bathroom door. Slaves aren't allowed privacy. Then she expects tender, loving care from me. I grew up in abuse and she's lucky I even still speak to her because I took the brunt of the abuse growing up.
So, I Gray Rock her big-time. I got a job. All she gets from me is food and meds and a clean environment. Nothing else. There are now locks on the bedroom and bathroom door. I do not tell her where I'm going when I leave.
If she complains I tell her she can go into a nursing home then. When she starts instigating a fight because she's bored, I ignore her even more.
My sibling does absolutely nothing. I totally get your family dynamic.

I really like the idea of this thread. I am struggling quite a bit. I am in therapy, but it goes beyond a 45 minute session every 2 weeks. Also, I do therapy via telehealth, so I can't speak openly anyway because I am almost never alone. I am 29 years old and feel **so** tired all of the time trying to care for 2 households (grandmother, great grandmother and mentally ill father) while working and attending graduate school. My friends can't relate to where I'm at. There's very little escape and the loyalty in a dysfunctional (VERY NEGATIVE) family makes me feel guilty about complaining about it anyway. I am a planner, but my family isn't. Even trying to plan for Thanksgiving... No one has a plan to the end of the week! Let alone what is to come over the next few months/upcoming years. What's funny is... Even with all of the self-care in the world, which I do so many things daily and consistently, when you're in a situation like this, it'll still drag you down to hell.

I absolutely love the dysfunctional families idea. Let's face it who's family is fully functional... mines not

I haven't read all the comments, and mine are addressed only to Nicola's comments of dysfunctionality, and who really is functional.  I think dysfunctionality isn't unique and that many if not all of us have some level of what could be considered dysfunctionality.   I think sometimes they're considered quirks.

However, I believe there are scales of dysfunctional levels (haven't checked the psychology manuals to see if this is a scaled "disorder").   Perhaps the only totally, completely functional people w/o any quirks really don't exist.  I've thought for years that dysfunctionality is used too frequently and too loosely, without parameters. 

Second hwever, I'm not denying that many of the threads here describe situations which aren't positive, are aberrant, and/or aren't conducive to healthy living.

I think you're right, GardenArtist -- both in the informal sense and formal diagnoses. There are many things are described as "dysfunctional" when perhaps they are more personality traits that conflict, or something else. It's tough to draw a hard line. The important quality to consider is: Is this detrimental to my physical, mental, or emotional health and well-being? If the answer is yes, then I think it's dysfunctional (a relationship, or personal habit) for that person.

The official disorders are being expanded, too. The DSM-5 that lists the medical/psychiatric criteria for disorders has come under criticism for being too vague, too broad. I think many people have traits that are borderline or narcissistic but wouldn't meet official diagnosis criteria. It's an interesting topic to me right now, as I'm studying psychology but with a different emphasis from mental disorders or any psychoanalysis or mental therapies.

Got a call from my mom a couple hours ago. She started asking me questions, like are you still working, are you still in school, etc. I'm answering these things with mostly monosyllables, thinking it's strange that my mom calls me up just to check how I'm doing, even if it's her usual closed-ended question style that seems more like interrogation than conversation some times. lol Then she interrupts my first slightly longer reply with "I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I'M CALLING YOU."

lol Well, she's right about that, but for a second there, I thought she might actually just want to talk to me.

Turns out my dad's not doing so well (not taking meds, has had some falls) and also he talked about my grandmother's revocable life trust (for his benefit) with the subsidized senior HUD managers during a re-de. They have concerns about his eligibility and I get that. I went over this exact issue with an Elder Attorney before I filled out his application there and left that information out based on her expert advice.

My mom had a lot of questions about my dad's trust, HUD regulations, whether or not he would owe retroactive fees, etc. I told her the best thing she can do is go speak with the expert elder attorney that she refused to see before (I didn't say that last part out loud) because "she's too expensive." The atty fees are something like $450-500/hr and WELL worth it, especially considering that twice this attorney billed me for 1/4 hour when we specifically met up to discuss different qualifications and application questions. I've never seen such an honest billing practice from an attorney! lol

It's too goofy a situation to feel even a little smug here. I emphasized to my 72yo mom that all I want is for her and my 83yo father to protect themselves. That means she does not take any money from him without a caregiving agreement (which she's been doing every month for several years, as "caregiving fees" but no formal agreement) and protects both their need for future services. My mother has no savings, and a very modest house she bought with her retirement settlement check 10 years ago. My father only has the fed-minimum SSI plus a VA benefit that is like $100/mo, and this small trust that is not his asset/not in his name. Getting expert input is the right way to proceed. The risk to future care is so much more important than any few hundred being spent or saved each month. They're two entirely separate households, been divorced since I was an infant, and I'm not sure exactly what they're both risking here but I know they're both extremely naive about it.

I'm not getting roped back into any caregiving duties, no worries there, but I foresee some discussion during holiday time about all this. I'm frustrated that my mom hasn't taken this situation more seriously but I'll give her support and input, if that's what she wants. I told her that if she moved my dad in with her I'd never talk to her again. lol I was half joking, but she agrees... thankfully... which is a different approach than what she's said in the past. As my mom said, she can't even move into her own house that she purchased 10 years ago and never finished moving into. (That's another story and best told through the show Hoarders.)

This short conversation tonight brought back some feelings. I do not know how to help them, nor if anything other than some general support would even help. It's going to be frustrating to witness at times. I need to be ready for that -- to offer the support that I can and step away.

I'm leaving out a lot of details but my mom does caregiving for other elders from her church, too. She's a helper type, which is nice I guess, but never seems to realize she needs to help and protect herself, too.

Ali,
Shake it off, don't go there in your mind.
It is obvious your Mom thinks she knows better than you.

Re-focus on your finals.
It is all you can do.

Talk to Mom after finals if you want, maybe that will help get your mind off
today's conversation.

Your studies are very interesting.

Too late, Send! I already went there mentally, now bringing myself back around. lol

Today was the easiest schedule I've had in awhile. I finished the previous week's stuff and I thought I'd make hot chocolate and watch a movie. I've printed off my finals and will start them tomorrow. Then my mom called me.... 🤷 I'm glad, actually, that it happened tonight and I had time to work through it mentally and put it here. Good timing, all things considered! Thank you! 💚

Hey everyone! I have some questions and concerns regarding my health and who and where can I get help without going into debt! I feel trapped because I can’t apply for any anything without use my husbands income. Hey my husband tells me he can app,y for anything without usu for my income. I don’t understand that. ….why do I have to include his when he doesn’t have to use mine?

Sharyn, hi!

What does your husband mean by what he says? What is HE applying for without using your income?

This is highly state specific. Are you talking about applying for medical insurance?

There are SHIP counselors in every state that can help if you are talking about Medicare plans: https://www.shiphelp.org/

For ACA: https://www.healthcare.gov/income-and-household-information/how-to-report/

Hi Sharyn! Fun times figuring out all that Medicare carp isn't it? I have retired from the crappy public sector, just last Friday. It had gotten really ugly and corrupt! I will not go along with the crap! My mom did not raise a brown noser.

I too need to figure out Part B, sure as heck am not going to take cobra at about 900 a month!

Thanks for that info Barb, I needed it too. Any other hints?

Sharyn,
There are differences in insurance coverage for spouses.

Is it perhaps your husband is of retirement age (65 +) and you are not there yet?

I don't think that I will have an answer for you regarding the disparity between the requirements for husband and wife to qualify. But I can acknowledge it does exist.

Hello everyone! Christmas is very close now and yes I have shopping to do but can’t do until Wednesday, my payday. Most is easy as we get gift cards for adults. We now have 3 grandchildren with oldest being an eleven years granddaughter as a result of our sons recent marriage. She is a very intelligent young person who is also very artist. We look forward to getting know her as time goes by and if she feels comfortable enough to spend some summer time with us.

I got my booster Covid vaccine today as well as a diabetic check. Yes I am now considered diabetic but I’m on the very low end that qualifies me to be there…6.5 is my Daily glucose level. It’s just over the boundary between being pre-diabetic and actual diabetic so I don’t qualify for a meter. October and November have been hard for me as I have been diagnosed with diabetes and COPD. I’m adjusting to life style changes as you can imagine.

because I have already had an occlusion in my right eye as far back as my mid thirties, developing more is most likely because of diabetes. If you don’t know, an occlusion resulted because the retina only has one main vessel that feeds it, in my right eye, the vessel burst back in my 30’s. They could not explain why it happened since I was not diabetic nor did I have high blood pressure. I have a big black spot dead center in my right eye. I don’t see it anymore because left eye over compensates for it. My goal is to get a tired mill as exercise is important to controlling diabetes and I have a good opportunity to control it better since I’m low end on the spectrum. I don’t want to loose my eyesight from diabetic rentinopathy.

in the meantime….I’m getting a hip x-ray tomorrow as my right hip is causing chronic pain, down my leg into my knee plus when I stand I have tingling down my thigh to my ankle which is probably sciatic nerve. So… my dr wants to document everything we do to help this pain in case I need a hip replacement. As some of you may remember I had severe sciatic pain about 6 -7 years ago and the chiropractor told me the x-rays show considerable scaring in my hip socket which may result in a hip replacement. My dr agreed to let me try using Gabapentin for the pain as it is non narcotic and non addictive.

im using an inhaler for the COPD and I’m on the patch to quit smoking which is very effective.
I wish everyone a good December. I realize that with our dysfunctional family histories, Christmas may not be Merry, but I hope you can carve out some “you” time that all of you deserve. Caregiving in dysfunctional families is the hardest and I certainly know how much you all need some quiet time or a half day for yourselves.

much love to everyone.
SharynM

Hi Sharyn,

I just finished a long day and night of school work stuff (it's finals) and I was a little slaphappy as I read your post. I giggled at "tired mill" because it seemed like it could be a slang term for treadmills -- if you weren't tired when you started on one, you should be when you're done. My goofy brain loves a dumb pun, the dumber the better. :-)

I hope you can get some improvement for the pain and your other symptoms. I'm Rx'd gabapentin but I don't take it every day because I find it doesn't do much for my pain or anxiety symptoms. It works well for many people, though! Nerve pain seems like what it's best for. I hope it helps.

I never tried a nicotine patch but have tried lozenges and also gave them to my dad. They didn't help either one of us, so it's interesting to consider that a patch might be a better option. I'm glad it's helping you. I've picked up a bad vaping habit during the past year I'd like to cut down/quit.

I hope you get some answers about health needs stuff, and why you need hub's income if he doesn't need yours.

It's great to see your posts here and Happy Holidays to you and yours! It will be nice to get to know your new gd. She sounds neat.

Barb, my husband says he has not used my income to get medical insurance. Yes, he is on Medicare so maybe that makes a difference. I can’t afford tge affordable care act because it will be around $800 a month. I have 2 1/2 years to go before I can get Medicare. Hopefully it will be easier then.

Ali, lol! It was suppose to be tred mill lol! Autocorrect keeps changing it and yes I should be tired when done using it.

I like the patch and it works well for me but others tell me they didn’t like it. Good luck with stopping vaping. You did it once before so you can do it again.

Sharyn, Medicare is completely separate--confused the heck out of me when we first turned 65, as DH had always been on my insurance.

Health insurance is a tough issue to deal with in this country, for sure.

Send, it does seem to be a bit of a disparity especial when trying to get the affordable care act. What I mean is my husband may have to include my income too if he were to apply for it but it does seem unfair if a person is paying out of their income alone and not combined income.

Sharyn,
All I know is, before we were married, I had full coverage with health insurance.
And after we were married, I did not, but he did. All his needs were met. I just stopped seeking medical care to compensate, even though I had Medicare.

Sharyn, I woukd seek advice at www.bogleheads.org. a VERY smart group of people.

My SIL aggressively told us that we needed to help with MIL (dementia). My husband and I have cancer, and his is terminal. I was appalled that she thought we should be able to help with physical care. I agreed to take my MIL over Thanksgiving for two days. SIL increased it to four days and wouldn't agree to a time to pick MIL up. I was also expected to cook almost all of the Thanksgiving meal. We didn't have a bed for MIL and spent that last week purchasing a bed and having it delivered or picking up new linen. I was exhausted and angry. When I tried to talk to BIL about how things went, he blew up at me and said I can no longer care for my MIL! My husband has intervened but I am not in the mood to even speak to them right now and Christmas will be at their house. How do I deal with all of this?!

Glad, congratulations on your retirement! I enjoy being retired. No more getting up at 4:30 am and I can stay up late Lol!

when my husband retired he had a representative from AARP come to the house to help him with Medicare and a supplemental policy. He found it very helpful.

RN daughter, there is no way that a person with advanced demntia shoukd be shuttled between households.

Have you considered saying "no, I can't possibly do that"?

Mil's funds and resources should be uaed for in-home help or facility care.