notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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My mom is too lazy to exercise and too scared to get any form of PT for fear of Covid. She also insults my intelligence at times. She gets her showers just once a week and since we sprung forward an hour, she's decided to bump her showers back an hour and go by standard time instead of the actual time.
I wish she would be out of bed more than just once a week and love me enough to slap the caregiving duties onto someone else.
I’ve also been dealing with a senior kitty with health issues and she stopped eating on Saturday. It could have been because I was transitioning her back to kitten food which has higher fat and calories which may have caused tummy upsets. I took her back to tge shelter on Monday, their vet gave her additional fluids, a b 12 injection and gave me an ointment to put in her ear every 24-48 hours to stimulate her appetite. They had already given the ointment in her ear. So far I have not had to give more. Today she is eating normally and she is getting lots of attention from my grandsons this week due to spring break. Bobbie wants out more so I’m letting her in the master bedroom daily where she sleeps comfortably and content most of the afternoon.
sharyn - so happy your bro is home. Awesome!!!!
glad - been thinking of you and your move to a new place and job. Wondering how you ae doing?
barb - how's the cruise?
Life is meant to be enjoyed by all. It should wonderful. Each and every day. How other people become so mean is a mystery to me right now but obviously an answer exists. Do your best. I mean your real best. Go the extra mile, Have honor. Live your own life. It's finite and you alone should determine the best way to happiness. Seek out people with the same mindset. Get professional advice, if you can. There are free resources in many cities and towns. Right now the world is turmoil but it will get better. Do you part to make it better. This will create the culture of peace, prosperity, health and happiness for everyone.
My name is Lynnel. I want to say I am so happy that you created this thread because this is a REAL PROBLEM for many. I have over 15 years as a Professional Caregiver known as a DSP and have seen this problem as well as so many others that families have to experience in their daily challenges of 24/7 caregiving.
I agree it is so hard for individuals especially the Main Family Caregiver to convince other siblings living outside of the home of what Never Ending Caregiving can do to the caregiver Physically and Emotionally!
It is for this reason I created an online program to help these individuals AND THEIR OUTSIDE SIBLINGS see that this crisis is EVERYONES crisis. I demonstrate the sad consequences and reality of what can happen if these individuals are not supported and give practical suggestions and a list of at least 10 task these outside siblings can do to be supportive, even if they live in another state.
Please let me know your comments and I hope this is helpful.
Thank you,
I appreciate your concern and especially with the point about my email. That’s not my personal email though it’s a company email.
I thought The whole point of this forum was how coming from dysfunctional families can add weight to caregiving. My only purpose of sharing something either from my own personal experience, website or information I know of that was to share something supportive of caregivers.
Because of my knowledge and experience of the many issues and daily challenges of caregivers, especially individuals working 24/7 without a support system, my purpose is to help outside siblings to see that their daily challenges is everyone’s problem and crisis in the family. This is especially true if the person is a sick parent with adult children.
We hear a lot about caregiving burnout and how this can take a physical and emotional toll on the caregivers health but unless you are the sibling working without support you may not be aware of what they go through.
I’ve seen videos and information a wealth of information that shows if that Main Family Caregivers health breakdown then the family could have two sick people needing help, the caregiver and the person needing care and the burden of responsibility could fall on another sibling unexpectedly.
I know of a personal experience where this happened in a family that did not communicate like they should with each other about their mothers health with dementia. One weekend out of no where that sibling decided to take Momma to visit another sibling for the weekend with the intention of leaving her. This is exactly what they did and overnight that siblings life and household changed.
This is why, for families that can put aside any differences when a love one needs total care, if they can have a plan of action in place and learn how to work together, it can take some of the load off of just one individual and the burden of responsibility does not have to be placed abruptly on another sibling.
When a medical situation happens that forces a family member to need total care, many families are at a lost of what to do. This only adds to an already dysfunctional family. How nice it is if people are aware that there may be other options, task and responsibilities each member can take on. But is starts by members being willing to put aside their differences and look at the problem at hand, as “Our Family Crisis, Our Family Emergency.”
i appreciate your nice intentions.
you wrote:
“How nice it is if people are aware that there may be other options, tasks and responsibilities each member can take on.”
yes, sure.
but it’s a bit like saying, “if only everyone would see how wonderful peace is, we would have peace on earth.”
the point is, some family members don’t want to take on any of the tasks. (sometimes for valid reasons; sometimes not).
“my purpose is to help outside siblings to see that their daily challenges is everyone’s problem and crisis in the family.”
actually, many people have the attitude, “it’s not my problem.”
(again, sometimes for valid reasons; sometimes not).
“their daily challenges is everyone’s problem”
no.
————
i understand you have a program that charges money, training people.
i myself would warn against the program.
it is NOT a good sign that the creator of the program writes such naïve sentences.
I've reported your post to the administration. We are here to support each other. We are not here to solicit or to be solicited.
it’s so sad, this woman was very helpful when my mom had gotten distrustful with my sister and me. She worked my mother. She helped with my mothers financial issues which my mom did not trust us.
she told me today that her sister has dementia, she lives in Utah. This friend of my mothers live in California where I lived. A family member had her placed in a faculty which she escaped from and ended up in Wyoming.
this friend of my mothers (name is Nancy), Nancy is dying from cancer and can’t go to Utah to help. This family member in Utah did get POA. How can they help her when she is difficult and combative?
I suggested they find a doctor or neurologist who specializes in dementia, get her on an anti depressant even if it is capsule that they can open to put in her food or something like a juice. Find a facility that has a security system where they use a security bracelet on her sister so if she tries to leave, the bracelet will set off alarms. My understanding is the family member trying to take care of Nancy’s sister is older as well.
Nancy says she can’t talk with her sister because she gets difficult, accusing them of taking her money and home from her. I suggested redirecting her thoughts to things they know her sister enjoys….knitting, gardening etc.
I also suggested if there is a family member who can gain her trust, a granddaughter/grandson/niece etc that can help as well. If you all remember my mom did not trust my sister, yet she trusted me and I could work with my mom to get her to be more cooperative.
if any of you have more suggestions to help Nancy, I would appreciate it. Nancy was a blessing to us and I want to try to help her any way I can
glad -happy for you that the job is going so well so far. I read your other posts about your AirBnB. Yikes!!! I think you have gone the right route reporting them. Hopefully some positive changes will be made. It must have been nice being home in your own bed for a little time.
sharyn - not nice that Nancy is very ill and also has an abusive sibling. Nancy has to put herself first and let others deal with her sister. That may mean having little contact. Nancy sounds like she was a lovely friend to your mother. I am sorry she is facing this. You say you are feeling low and down on yourself. Please give yourself a pat on the back for being a great help to your mother when she was going through dementia and also for being a great grandma to your grand-twins and a great mother to your children. Do something good for you -something that will pep you up. Hope senior kitty is still doing well.
I'm still working on treatments for the CFS. I definitely need more energy. MCT oil (bullet proof coffee) seems to help. It's early to say that this is reliable in an ongoing sense, but every bit helps!!!
Since mother passing and cutting contact with sis, my mind's peace has increased. It's over three years since mother passed and about 9 months since I cut contact with sis. There s no doubt that my quality of life has improved despite other difficult things that have arisen. My dd is recovering from her second chemo and doing well. The next one will see her half way through the chemo. She's not worried about the surgery at all which is good. After that comes the radiation.
Waiting for lawyers to contact me about sending money for the condo purchase. I won't feel it is mine until money has changed hands. Possession date is April 8th! It's been a while in coming but the timing is right. Still puttering away at downsizing.
Take care everyone! Be good to you.
Mother had vascular dementia and was really off the wall beyond her "normal" BPD. Nancy's sister needs a neuropsych assessment, IMO, and then appropriate meds to calm her down. That's the only thing that worked for mother. She was paranoid and having psychotic episodes. The antipsychotic helped her a great deal. She also needed an antidepressant. Mother was looked after by a geriatric psychiatrist who was the only one who seemed to know what to do - assessments and meds. It's very important to get the right professionals involved. At one point I stopped taking phone calls (let them go to voicemail) from her as they were so hurtful and just plain crazy. The months before she got assessed and treated were pretty tough as you may remember me posting here. I have every sympathy for Nancy and her niece and also for Nancy's sister whose brain is very broken. I can't imagine how hard it is for someone who has been sick with covid and is on dialysis to have to deal with all of this.
Absolutely you need to take care of yourself. Do you have a plan for getting your mother out of your home? Let us know how you are doing. Distancing from the toxicity in your family is necessary for you to heal.
You shouldn't be giving up your life to be a caregiver to your ingrate mother who has zero respect for you.
Drop her a** off at a hospital ER and tell them you're done and can't do it anymore.
Or pack her bags and pick a sibling. Then leave her and her belongings on their doorstep. Ring the bell once and drive away.
I see some of the stories on this forum and I say OMG! big-time.
I'm able to be a caregiver to my mother. We have been able to come to an amicable arrangement that is beneficial to us both because she knows I'd do exactly one of those two things.
I don't play any games. I don't tolerate a moment of stubbornness, or instigating, or gaslighting, or guilt-tripping, or passive/aggressive nonsense. I won't have any drama or 'performances' to get attention or to sabotage a special occasion. I do right by her, but it's on my terms not hers. She also knows that if dementia shows up to the party I will stop being her caregiver. My sister does not help out but she's least decent and has some respect. I wish you all the best and hope you find a different arrangement for your mother soon.