The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

So sorry, Sharyn. He fought as long as he could, I guess. I wish comfort and peace to your family. (((((hugs))))) 💐🙏

I'm so sorry, Sharyn. Wishing you comfort x

Thank you everyone. Please keep my sis in love and their blended family in your thoughts and prayers. I know it sounds cliche but my brother is no longer suffering. Yes he fought hard, my sis in love advocated strong and hard. While I am sad, my nephews, sis in love and her children know him as a husband and a dad.

Just checking in to wish every one a Happy Mother's Day. Hugs Hugs and more Hugs and beautiful stress free days full of love and grace.

Duck, good to see you here! Happy Mother's Day to you as well.

Belated Happy Mother's Day, duck, and all.

Hope you are getting through life with less stresses now, duck.

Well, my branch of our dysfunctional family is becoming more functional. Didn't hear from middle son, but oldest son actually called me to wish me Happy Mother's Day. I am staying at my dd's now with daytimes at my house with Rocky. She bought me a beautiful card - very meaningful verses - which I appreciate. I will buy her a Habanero Chicken burger meal before she goes for her next chemo on Thursday. My MD treat for her. The last chemo went pretty well. Having me here seems to be OK for everyone. Dgs proudly showed me his room and some technology in it. Dd and I watch some crime shows together in the evening. I tidy up the bathrooms a little. It feels safe here though I miss my own home, but it is working.

Hopefully digging and pipe repair will start this week. A little snow here again but some nice warm weather forecast for the end of the week.

gershun - I saw somewhere that you were not feeling well. Hope you are better.

glad - you really do have a housing conundrum. Working from home would be a nice solution.

sharyn - thinking of you and your family

ali - how's school going and how are yu holding up?

everyone - group (((((((( hug)))))))) 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Thank you Golden. I'm still under the weather but this too shall pass.

Nice of you to always acknowledge everyone Golden.😊

Thanks golden. Had mom's day with all my children and grands tonight. The last time they were all together? Before Xmas because I took their gifts with me. It was very nice and hopefully happen more often.

I am exhausted tonight. Woke up about 1:30 am today and couldn't go back to sleep. Two hour drive here. Night all.

It was very timely for you to ask about me, Golden. I appreciate it. I hit a rough bump the past few days. There is nothing out of the ordinary, just the constant pressure of school deadlines and trying to balance work/school. I was having a burnout moment. But I'm over it, and my kind prof gave me an extension on an assignment. Two more weeks, and I'm done with this term. And then I'm heading into the FINAL term!!! In about 15 weeks, I'll complete the degree. Amazing.

I hope you're getting through being displaced ok, Golden. And I hope your insurance rep and the contractors are all responsible and agreeable.

How are you doing, Sharyn?

Big hugs to all. I appreciate so much being able to share in your life stuff and share mine.

Did anyone read or heard this story? MIL from hell, a spineless husband and a ruined couple trip.

I wonder what goes on in MIL's head, what she thinks.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/travel/i-was-fuming-husband-dragged-for-secretly-inviting-mom-on-couples-trip/ar-AAXaM7k?ocid=sapphireappshare

Here's the article if you don't want to use the link.

"Thousands of internet commenters were quick to call out one man for secretly inviting his mother on a two-week vacation originally meant for he and his wife.

In a viral Reddit post published on r/AmITheA**hole, Redditor u/RoadIsland123 (otherwise referred to as the original poster, or OP) said she tried all she could to keep her mother-in-law away from the couple's trip but was unknowingly undermined by her husband.
Titled, "[Am I the a**hole] for walking out of the airport when I saw my husband's mom standing there with her luggage?" the post has received more than 14,000 votes and nearly 3,000 comments in the last five hours.
Beginning with the explanation that she has always had a toxic relationship with her mother-in-law, the original poster said she and her husband had both reserved a two-week period for an international vacation before there were rumblings of a potential third traveler.

"My husband's mom wanted to come along and threw temper tantrums when I said no," OP wrote. "She called, texted, sent people to talk me into letting her come, even threatened to call the police and make some complaint to get us to stay if she can't come."

"My husband said we should just take her but I told him he was wrong," she continued. "He gave me an ultimatum [and] said he wouldn't go if she can't come and I told him I'd gladly call his bluff, which made him take his words back."

On the couple's departure date, the original poster said she and her husband arrived at the airport early in the afternoon. However, as they walked through the airport, the original poster also said she could sense something suspicious was waiting around the corner.
"Things got quieter, suspiciously quieter," OP wrote. "My husband was walking ahead of me and was looking left and right like he was looking for someone."
"He lead me to the waiting area and [the] first thing I saw was his mom standing there with her luggage," she continued. "I froze in my spot. I felt a cold wave washing over me and I was fuming inside."
"I quietly turned around and started walking towards the exit," she explained. "My husband followed while shouting at me to stop...He tried to say I was overreacting and that his mom was there 'anyway' and I should let it go and not mess the trip up for us."
"I told him he and his mom could still go and that I was going home," she added.
Toxic mothers-in-law, sometimes referred to as "monsters-in-law," can destroy even the strongest of relationships, according to Psychology Today.
In a 2013 survey of 2000 married women, parenting website NetMums revealed that nearly 25 percent of participants reported having "bad" or "terrible" relationships with their mothers-in-law.
Issuing a myriad of complaints, including severe judgment, constant interference and undermining behavior, a portion of the women surveyed by NetMums said they were forced to move away from their in-laws and, in some cases, were forced to exit their marriages altogether.
However, for married women brave enough to weather the storms caused by overbearing and toxic mothers-in-law, vacations often serve as surefire disasters.
Over the past few months, Newsweek has reported on numerous Reddit threads detailing attempts by in-laws to ruin vacations by charging their children's spouse thousands of dollars to attend, refusing to pay for their share of international trips and, like the scenario described by the original poster, showing up for a vacation completely unannounced.

In each of those viral threads... (continue on next post)

In each of those viral threads, Redditors defended both married women and men against their in-laws. In the original poster's case, Redditors did the same, but pointed the metaphoric finger directly at her husband for undermining his wife and inviting his mother on vacation against her wishes.
"I don't wanna call the divorce card but.. divorce," Redditor u/PeanutButter_Toast_ wrote in the post's top comment, which has received nearly 29,000 votes.
"You told your boundaries, you said no...Your husband told you he would tell her no, he lied," they wrote. "He tried to pin you in a corner by not saying anything and bringing her anyways and got upset you refused to be a part of his little trap??"
"He needs to go," they added.
Redditor u/RubyLarkspur87, whose comment has received nearly 8,000 votes, offered a similar response.
"He gave you an ultimatum- no loving partner would ever put you in that position," they wrote. "He's a mummy's boy and she's manipulative and toxic. You have every right to enjoy a holiday with your husband without them behaving like children."
"You did the right thing," they added. "The next right thing to do is leave."
"Trust me, GET OUT NOW," Redditor u/ninjaman2021 chimed in. "He's always going to put his mother before your marriage and it's a battle you're never going to win."

End of article.

Really, what must MIL be thinking to make her behave in such a horrible way? I am guessing these are what goes on in that narc's head of hers:

"I am your mother, so you have to do what I say."
"I am old, and you as my son and DIL must serve me."
"There's no such thing as couple's privacy. My needs come first."
"Actually my needs are the only things that matter."
"How dare you leave me behind and goes on vacation."
"You have no right to go on vacation without me."

Shudder shudder....

This mommies boy should come home to an empty house and empty checking, savings, retirement accounts and divorce papers sitting in the middle of the empty house.

I would even take every roll of toilet paper because he has proven he is a dirty bung hole.

Oh my, I could feel my blood pressure rise just reading this audacious story.

ITRR- I have 3 friends whose marriages were destroyed by their MILs and momma's boy husbands.

And yes, I agree, the husband in the story should come home to an empty house and bank accounts and with divorce paper waiting for him.

Amen and Amen! Polarbear and Isthisrealyreal, tell it!!!! Amen!!!! It's the truth that will set people free if people will listen.

Yes it’s a disgusting story. It does make me wonder what steps W had taken earlier to bring things to a head. Some people let verbal protests just wash over them. Walking out physically is harder to ignore. So is leaving MIL with an empty plate if she invites herself to dinner. Even the verbal protest right in MIL’s face, with abuse, is likely to work better than trying to change a mother’s boy with sweet reason.

It’s. Great topic. Because I bought my inheritance and have cared for my Mom since 2010 my sister refuses to help and visit because she believes since I have the assets and POA. I’m her care giver till death do is part.

i Qualified her for the elderly wavier and she refused to move to assisted living. Now I’m assisted living and subsidize her about 1000/mo in a apt she accepts. It’s a step in the right direction to get her out of the hoarding and the falling apart house I paid for but I need her to go to assisted living when the Lease is up.
any suggestions? Note. Family dynamics are two non contributors telling me what to do and do nothing to help.

I've stepped back as much as possible in my husband's family dynamics. My first and only responsibility is to my husband. There is no time or energy left to be bothered with their antics. I used to think it was helpful to be involved with their dramas. Nope. It never ends. I'm done with their dramas, which feels really good and can relax a little bit and enjoy a few extra hours of peace and quiet.

Hey WoodyAllenMovie, I would start a Question thread and post it. You'll get more feedback/input that way. There's nothing wrong with posting here, but it's an ongoing support thread, and I don't think it will appear in the new questions.

UPDATE AITA for walking out of the Airport when I saw my husband's mom standing there with her luggage?

It's an interesting real life story of enmeshment relationship between son and mother, and the third wheel wife who just now sees the light.

Here's the link to the article in Reddit.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ur2l3s/update_aita_for_walking_out_of_the_airport_when_i/

UPDATE

"Hello!.
I don't know where to begin...it's been an absolute nightmare recently. And I feel like I was losing my sanity.
So for more details about my situation. I have to admit that my husband's mom favors him over all his siblings. this affected his relationship with them and me as well. He's never seen an issue with how differently his mom treats him, it bothered me and made me feel uncomfortable. The whole dynamic made me feel uncomfortable. Going Low contact has never even been an option. Like he has to see her or call her everyday.
Most of his siblings don't talk to him and I 100% believe it's because of his mom's favoritism like I said. He does bare some blame for not seeing how wrong this is til this day.
In many instances I found myself making excuses for his behavior. Even in my post. I did it spontaniously and I don't know why. But I guess it's because of how much I love him and because I really really wanted to be able to work things this type of things out without letting them affect our marriage.
regarding what happened with the trip, He tried to have a talk with me and most of what he said came from place of blame, Blame towards me. I just couldn't continue with this argument. I told him I needed space and that I would be going to stay with my sister for a while. He didn't take it well, he literally got up from the couch and opened the door telling me to go right then. In that moment and seeing how he was still not even anywhere near understanding what he has done just....made things perfectly clear to me. I just had pictured years and years of my life being lived like that and I was like no...I can't do it, Can't take anymore of it especially when he keeps focusing on being right every time. His mom can do no wrong. I'm always the aggressive, crazy, jealous, pathetic, overreactor.
All these people's opinions, advice and concerns were like a spark...like the wake up call I really needed. Though I wish that it didn't get this far but what's done is done.
Right now I'm staying with my sister (I brought my dog with me as well) He sent me his last message telling I'm the one choosing to end what we had together but I believe it's the other way around, especially with how he keeps making his mom the victim in this situation. It's become clear now that we keep going in circles with no end in reach and I'm just so exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm not mad at him and don't expect him to change but...at least I'm given options to decide what's best for me and my future even if it's seperation and divorce.
A big thank you to those who reached out with resources that I feel very very lucky to have come across. Just wanted to give you an update since many of you asked for it."

This weekend was uncalled for and toxic. Something about my being in trauma therapy for the last several months and preparing to retire next month has caused a disturbance in the force and it is not happy.

Something must change to stay on this healing path according to my new friends in a private trauma group. I sent my therapist several emails over the weekend and called him today. He agreed that I need to come in more often and will see him in the morning.

He also said with this toxic drama going on that we will change out game plan which he will explain tomorrow.

Also, I've had a heart to heart discussion with my SIL whose noticed the same dynamics. She has some ideas that might work, but for the whole thing neither she not I am sure. We have been like Luke and Leah from Star Wars in this toxic extended family. She's even been able to keep me from killing myself. She told me some things from the depths of her soul that have not been shared before. We have these sort of conversations occasionally.

I look forward to my session in the morning!

Yoda, if you are feeling suicidal, please get yourself into emergency care asap. I was in that headspace many years ago, and admitting myself (and admitting that I needed help) was the best step I ever took. You can do that more than once. (((((Hugs)))))) Barb

Barb, I'm not feeling suicidal. I'm just saying that my awesome sister in law has pulled me out of that pit in the past. Actually, we are so close, we are more like blood siblings than like mere inlaws. I've never heard of such before, but it is possible and others have told me of the same kind of relationship.

I'm feeling a lot right now. My mom and I don't have good communication. That's putting it out there plain and simple. But it's not simple. Recently, my friend and I created a doc for us to talk on because my mom reads my texts and she can get back the deleted ones and so I don't have much freedom when it comes to talking to my friends, which is why my friend and I created the document so that we could talk about stuff.

I am being honest here when I say some the doc is just inside joke friend stuff. But there are parts of it that are venting about my mom because a lot of stuff happens and I can't really tell her because then she'll say I'm too sensitive, or I'm ridiculous or she'll say it didn't happen like that so I feel like I'm trapped and stuck there all the time and it just feels hopeless. Of course she found the doc and she decided to scream at me, and let me tell you, I mentioned on the doc that her words make me want to go to sleep and never wake up because they do and she told me I was her worst enemy after reading that.

I cannot express to you how much that hurts. It makes me feel like I should leave cause why would anyone want to be with their worst enemy? Am I really that much of a monster? It just really hurts me what she says to me and I feel so unloved and alone.

Cleobird,

Spread your wings and fly to freedom or as the ancient song of my gyration said, slip out the back Jack. Take your phone away from your mom so she can't read your text messages and get the h out of dodge, dam the torpedoes, take no prisinors and don't look back like Lot's wife.

Cleo, how old are you?

Gladimhere, I'm 17 and thank you Yoda :)

Let us all support Cleobird until her 18th Birthday.
When is it? (Not the actual date, month/year is ok.

@Sendhelp it's in May, and thank you :)

This day has been a real challenge. -- I've had it with crazy "recovering addicts" and narcisistic siblings.

They showed up at the house on a Saturday am, before MIL even wakes up telling me "I'm here, so Grandma needs to get her "@$$" out of bed so I can see her."

Today, I had to call the police. - That same niece was angry that I would not take her cat and give her the kittens when they were old enough. - I became a "c***" and "b*tch".

My SIL (her mother) now screaming how much she hated me, - both going on about - I was keeping them her from them, I was monitoring calls, not allowing MIL to give them money, I was controlling her, I was lazy and didn't want the responsibility of her cat, now her baby (due in a couple of weeks) was going to be smothered, she was going to be evicted because shes not supposed to have a cat and I didn't care..

They jumped from one subject to another so fast mom couldn't keep up. Everything MIL started talking they cut her off saying "No Grandma, I'm telling you, "exactly" what is going on. This is what is happening and this is what "we" are going to do."

I am sitting right there trying to work - my WFH job, I'm on video and now -THIS! I start getting screamed at, so I finally called the police, kept the phone on the table where they could hear every word. I didn't hide it.

MIL got upset, went with them outside and took their side. -- Telling them they could come over whenever they wanted, she'd take the cat, she would give them money whenever she wanted to. --- It was so frustrating to listen to.

Hubby had to take off from work to help deal with the situation.
The police were on an attempted suicide call and couldn't make it out to the property.

I'm still upset....because
now, she's been up most of the night - wandering the house looking for her dogs which are in her room - then for a third one which does not exist though may have existed more than 5 years ago.
She's been hearing things, keeps looking out the window looking for thieves.

She doesn't walk well. She shuffles. I have to help her back into bed.

I am filing a elder abuse complaint against both of them. I've called MIL Dr. to start the process for guardianship.

a question

My wife and I have our Medical POA documents and living will plus our Will all in good order. We are working toward getting a springing durable POA written up for each. She is so afraid if our youngest gets all of this authority that he will sell the house beneath us and put us in assisted living. That's not reasonable because I'm first on her list of durable POA.

Also, she wonders if her being 67 and me being 65 that we might be too young to do this. Not from what I've read.

What do you think?