The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Oh Jeanelf. Hugs to you.

Can you use the calendar on MS Outlook for your mother's appointments? Then cow-face can see when your mother's free and if she still turns up at useless times at least you'll know for sure she's being intentionally thick.

Using the good crystal for water - I'm probably guilty of having done that too. We workers get pretty good at spotting our way round unfamiliar kitchens (a client yesterday was most impressed when I found him a teaspoon first go, bless him) but it isn't always obvious which sets we're meant to use and if you're giving medications you don't have time to stop and check - plus we don't like rummaging around too much because it looks as if we're snooping, or worse. If you can separate out the everyday stuff into its own cupboard it should help.

But leaving the property unsecured is a no-no. Formal complaint time. Again though - is it obvious how to close and lock the garage door? Make sure the instructions are included in the support plan. If the caregivers aren't working to a written support plan... They should be. If the agency isn't doing this, write your own until they do.

My buttons are gone now, because so is my mother and so are my siblings (from my life, anyway, in the latter case), but the scars are there and every one of them is aching from your post. Hugs again.

Sharyn, I am late to arrive, somehow I had unfollowed this thread. So sorry, you are going through this. I am sure it is scary but it sounds like the doc and you have this under control.

Once you get the infection controlled and done, it that blackhead removed somehow?

Countrymouse,

Thank you for your kind response. The calendar is a great suggestion! Thanks. I do have index cards posted all over the place, on the cupboards "Don't use these," "use the plastic glasses in here" "This is the button to open and close the garage door." But that's a small nit compared to my sister who I wish would move far away to another state. The caregivers have been nice and my mom is happy; I just don't get driving away, facing the garage door and leaving it wide open. We have had several breakins around here and I'm on a dead end. It's happened twice now with two different people. And mom would be here alone with an intruder, too!

Anyway, my sister's always been this way but with the grief and shock I experienced at my husband's suicide (in front of me) and my stressful job while being the only caregiver, it's really too much.

She called my mom just yesterday and wanted her to come over. My mom said it wasn't a good day because she's having a difficult period with her bowels. So I, who wasn't even involved or knew about it until later, am accused of (and told to my nieces/nephew) "brainwashing" her and turning her against my sister. It's ridiculous. She refuses to cooperate, because that would mean I'm "controlling" her. We once, some years ago, tried to take an extended family vacation. She literally wanted to follow me there (a four hour drive) so that I "wouldn't take the best bedroom." It's unbelievable. This is supposed to be a grown woman but acts like a pouting child. I wish my mom a long life and I take good care of her, but it's hard to deal with the constant hatred coming my way just because I was born. If she's jealous or something of the situation, believe me, she's free to take over any time! I wish I could just let it roll off my back but without support from my DH anymore I'm really having a hard time.

Glad, I’m hoping it is healed up when this is all said and done. It is about 70% healed. If it’s not much better by Monday, I may have to go to a wound clinic.

Jeanelf I am chuckling to myself here, other workers will understand why but you probably have to have been there - you are describing a "house of cards" such that makes our hearts sink to our little boots. We stand there, wide-eyed over our masks, thinking "whaaaa...?!?!"

You know those urban jungle caricatures, with the Walk Don't Walk No Entry Turn Left signs piled one on top of another? It's a bit like that, only it becomes even more fun when you have two or more family members involved (my all-time favourite was the running spat between the granddaughter who said the client only liked cheese sandwiches and the daughter who said we weren't to ask the client because she'd just say she wanted cheese).

One support plan detailing what to do and where to find what they need to do it.
Subheads:
a.m.
lunch
p.m.
bed
domestic
on leaving [e.g. leave conservatory unlocked, bolt front door, return key to key safe. SHUT THE F***ING GARAGE DOOR BEHIND YOU, NUMPTY would also go in this section.]

If they don't read the care plan, that is a flogging offence. You don't have to have any sense of humour about that.

I love the control freakery accusation. When my mother threw up her breakfast shortly before we were due to set off on a forty mile drive to my sister's house and I rang to cancel, I was told it was "very sinister. Very suspicious." My other particular favourite was being told repeatedly that I was "too close to the situation" to understand the medical information as well as the family members who never attended any appointments and had nothing to do with hands-on care. When one stated an opinion to a respite care assessor that mother was doing well, and I asked "how would you know?" this was considered rude and aggressive on my part; but actually it wasn't a rhetorical question. I genuinely wondered how she thought she could know. And apart from the heart disease, failing kidneys, vascular dementia, arthritis and gout, it's true - mother was doing great.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to swap stories, it's just once you start...

What happens if you tell your sister to get stuffed? Have you ever tried it?

Countrymouse, Thanks for your viewpoint--that is helpful. I do only have the cards up on the cabinets about which dishes to use and the garage card. LOL.

My sister is not really involved in the care plan except she did once want ME to give my mom something that would kill her because she knows everything. Thank God I do my research. I tried talking to her but that has never worked. I told her off and she keeps threatening to call the authorities whatever that means. Her husband calls me names and says I am vindictive and betrayed them. How? By keeping my mother safe during COVID? That's all I did. I am POA and certainly don't want to keep my mom from seeing her children or them from her (and in fact have encouraged my mom to get out of the house and go over to see my sister so she can see the great grandkids) but I don't think my house has to be a hotel either which is what she wants--to come and go with no acknowledgement that I even live here or have my own things going on here. That would never fly at her house but she is entitled. This from a person who wanted her grandchildren to call her "Queenie" instead of grandma. Go figure.

Thanks for your point of view. I never really get to see the caregivers, as I am at work when they arrive, so I try to have things made easy for them. And I do so appreciate them. All they have to do is get my mom up, dressed, give her breakfast and her morning meds. Then giver her lunch three hours later and to the toilet. That's it. My mom is okay mentally so they can chat. Then they leave. A four hour gig. No real housekeeping except rinsing her dishes, just keep her company and watch tv or color with her--whatever. But its a big worry off my mind that she's kept safe through these things and I appreciate all caregivers.

Thanks for your kindness in responding and giving me some things to think about.

HI everyone! Just checking in I've been out the loop off and on.

Sharyn so sorry about your dilemma with cellulitis. Many times it requires iv antibiotic which may be followed by oral.
Im not a wound care specialist but I personally know that creams with zinc really enhance healing
Maybe even a supplement. It helps with cold duration.

Also one unit I worked on wS notorious with healing cavernous buttock bed sores so we unorthodox and offvrecordbwouldvuse malox to help keep areas dry so
vthey could heal.
I have lymphedema in one leg from cheerleading incident way back in high school. My first time with open scrape I was amazed at how much it weeded. The leakage was scary and took a long time healing.
I guess the leakage finally stopped when the nearby micro circulation vessels healed. Hang in there.

Also happy belated father's day to all the fathers and father figures.

Wor is slow but I have been blessed with a decent case even though it's an LPN rate. I'm just grateful to finally be at it.

My mother is okay. I now understand a lot of issues that Golden complained about.

Oh and I was a tad preliminary about my cuz being elected into senate.
It still in election process but very hopeful.

I know I write these horrible long post. Could be a habit of explaining every detail under the reign of a narcissist.

I am still a work in process. Memories intrude and get triggered. I miss what I thought was love. I get angry regularly going up and downstairs case. Because I see things sister or hers on drop or leave on floor with no regard or respect for where we live. As I write I am just realizing to justcsweep it up then I won't seevit an resent it everyday. It's like I finally ga e in and scrub the accumulated dried cat vomit and dirt last year when my son came up. I was ashamed. Then it's like some threw out an old brown and straw pieces arexhere and there. During heavy rain the Waterbury come count. If the stomp them they stay there. I am talking about maybe five at different times. I sweep the hall but rarely the steps.

Anoway I have so much pain in my heart and so many negative memories. I stay in prayer to forget or release but I guess as long as I'm here I won't really heal because I'm still in that atmosphere. I can't afford to move. And we'll I can't leave my mother. Stockholm syndrome I'm sure is one of my downfalls.

Also I just want to make it clear that every one on board here means a lot to me especially knowing there is past present and ongoing pain. I just give my props or proper respect to certain members of the forum who cared enough or just touch my heart mind in a profound way.va perspective a cry just a plain post on what was happening. Even now its cathartic.
But just realizing some one took time understood and reached out. Even the mild negativity helped me see and learn. Everybody has a story and some others were deep and so slowly subtle. But I have been deeply moved and happy at a good change. It's also awesome to see certain posters reach out in the same way they did to me. They say that the truth will set you free. I am justvsaying I think you all are wonderful it takes a lot of courage and the love and care and wisdom can d experience fuel therfore. Thank you all for just being and Sharing.
Rays of Loveland healing to us all.
Ps I binge watched the last season of the umbrella academy it was great.

Hi Duck, I believe I started a post to you recently -- but I get overwhelmed with school and work and anxiety, so it was never posted. :)

But your latest post had me thinking along the same lines as what I wanted to write before: That healing is an ongoing process and that some of us are too deeply wounded through dysfunctional primary/childhood relationships (and probably because we're tender, sensitive souls) to have 'normal', totally even-keel emotional processes. I'm glad you have your faith as a source of comfort and strength. Glad to hear you're working, too.

I understand writing things out as a sort of emotional journaling. Whether we do it on this thread or we do it privately, I think it's important and helpful -- if only to get things OUT and in more concrete terms.

I also think I personally cannot ruminate on past trauma. But there was a time in my life when all I did was ruminate on past trauma. I believe it's a form of PTSD. I still do it, just less often than I used to. And if I can catch myself rerunning hurtful/conflict scenarios in my mind, I stop and remind myself that no one -- not my mother, brother, or whoever -- is paying rent in my head. There's no constant free space available for them in my heart and brain because that's my space, my resources, my joy that I must have for myself. That helps me.

It's helped me recently to purposefully focus on remembering good things about my childhood, my family relationships, and my caregiving time. There WERE some good things -- some of which I'd forgotten -- but they had become shadows in the glare of all my hurt and resentment. I've tried very directly to bring those good memories out into the light in my conscious brain. It balances my perspective.

None of this changes the hurtful events, but for me, it's been really helpful to purposefully, systematically, methodically, consciously (you get the idea, I think? lol) FOCUS on those good memories. It's a struggle I face every single day and I figure I'll likely always have these challenges, too. I get it. But dang it..! I refuse to let past hurts ruin my potential to find joy TODAY. So I fight for my right to be happy today and as free from the past as I can get.

I hope this sounds supportive and is in any way helpful, and not preachy. I know that what has helped me may not help others. Wishing you happiness, dear Duck. It's a nice feeling and I think we forget what it is sometimes because we're anxious and we worry about everything (describing myself there). I believe happiness can be a daily practice if we put some work into it -- changing our mental habits.

So there. I wrote my own long rambling post back to you. :) I get it. All of it. (((((hugs)))))

Looking for a safe place to release some pressure. There is so much backstory but the fact that I'm in a dysfunctional family forum should say it all.

My mom is 83 and lives independently, alone in a really nice 55+ condo that she bought. She has many friends and is in a few clubs. I live far enough away that it requires an overnight but I phone daily.

If I was "in charge" (eye-roll) I would have her chose someone to regularly do housekeeping every other week, and someone to help prepare healthy, fancy, delicious freezer meals that she wants, on the off week. This would ensure someone was in her condo each week to keep an eye open for anything that needs fixing or support her with whatever need arises in the moment - shopping, recycle, etc. She can definitely afford to pay a good person well for the job and people really like her. She does have one fellow who comes sporadically to help with housekeeping but would be great if they could make some more regular arrangements but she does not want that - pride, fear of being needy.

Mom appears to be doing all right but has sleeping issues, high anxiety, negative outlook, nerve damage in hands/feet from radiation therapy, does not remember how to use the oven/stove so relies on the microwave or restaurants for meals, is not computer/internet/dvd player literate, does not drive, walks with a cane and can lose balance. Her memory is not reliable and she can get confused and stressed which compounds the issue. Because of this she second guesses herself a lot which is exhausting for her and confusing for me. She has so much stuff that her condo is packed and it is hard to find things among the excess so she misplaces things constantly. She still refuses help in the house. She believes that if she tries hard enough she'll figure it all out. To her credit she often will but it is a terribly stressful journey.

Originally the second bedroom in the condo was for live in help should the day come. Unfortunately I cannot see my mom actually accepting someone living in her home and I do not want to manage it. I did find a graduated care home that was absolutely gorgeous, across from gardens and a seaside walk, did daily field trips, had a restaurant style cafeteria with fancy menu options, and had the security of residents who are fully independent, high functioning and keep things in check. It also had memory care in the same unit so if the time should come (as it did with her mother) then there would not be a tremendous transition. She will not recognize the difference between graduated care and nursing home. She put her own mom in a terrible nursing home and fears the same.

I remind myself that she is living her own life. Although I am power of attorney, I will not take her autonomy or force things upon her. The danger risk seems low right now. I plant many seeds and often she'll come up with the ideas on her own.

Anyways, I feel my own anger and some resentment starting to rise. I was neglected from the day I was born and I thank my guardian angels for my life. I believe she did do the best that she knew how but didn't know how to care for anyone other than herself. I do not want to be her caregiver although I am willing to work with an agency and want her to be comfortable and safe.

I'm 49, my kid is now entering second year uni and almost ready to take on her life without much more hands on help from me. Our relationship is strong, challenging and amazing. I am so grateful that she is in this world. Now, it is my time to do all that I have yet to do - the list is long. I am struggling with all the feelings that arise as I prepare to step back from my mom. I have brought this up in a few different ways over the past year but she only sees the impact on her life and expresses her dependence/possessiveness on/of me as well as her not wanting to be a burden. There are solutions. Maybe when I have my ticket she'll decide to refocus.

Wow, feels good to sort this out here. Thanks!!

I want to apologize for crazy typos.

Ali!!!!! Tears and Hugs! As usual I am always uplifted and encouraged from your journey and posts.
I get that I have to focus on the good and fun memories I have many and I think that that is what has kept me in many ways. Thank you. A light bulb was turned on.

All the best in school and everything Ali always!! "MUH"

Hummingbird keep posting its a safe place to open your heart and eventually you will get a helpful post. I reluctantly feel to tell you this situation issues have only just begun. I am in no way an expert and my wisdom is personal so I refrain from giving advice. At least you have power of attorney.
So I will share somethings I wish werein place for my mother. I was blocked from her care via health proxy. By my sister who later professed an expertise in limits of insurance for home care. Which passed me off because knowing this she could have incourage my mother to buy or pay for premium upgrades. Anyways iwish my mother had
Longterm homecare insurance.
That her property had been place in her children's names way back so she could be eligible for Medicaid. Homecare with all needed therapy and TX.

Just off the top of my head.
Again please excuse typos.
Hindsight is great isn't it lol.
Anyways rays of love peace and healing to us all.

Thanks Duck. Fortunately my mom has enough funds and insurance to live comfortably for a very long time. It is important to count the blessings too. Because of this I really would like her to consider the graduated residence as it is like an all inclusive resort with supports as needed. The price is high but it's her money and she should use it. I believe she'd really like it once she got there.

Since I've started I'm going to keep going with this process of counting blessings. I am grateful that my mom is liked and welcomed by so many. She's charismatic and exotic, and I've seen how people treat her with such interest and attention - it has at times blown me away. She is an interesting woman and has many fantastic and exciting stories to share.

She loves being loved so she'd be really happy in resort style, fancy-pants, graduated-care living. She'd have daily facilitated social activities and outings, and have her housekeeping and meal needs met too - This is also a type of independence.

I think as she lives alone she's bored and becomes more cynical. In the right social and supportive environment she could stay more positive and cheerful. This can only have a positive effect as she changes.

And for me, I'd no longer need to be in constant connection with someone who brings me pain. It hurts to say this and I work through guilt and shame. Less exposure would benefit my own healing.

As poa it weighs heavily on me too - I see the benefit of being proactive rather than waiting until something happens. I really don't want to clean up a big mess later because I'm not brave enough to bring up hard things and make some major decisions now. And to do all that with grace and dignity - Arg! it's hard!

You know, it is kind of like the old saying that parents used to use - This hurts me more than it hurts you. Huh...never liked that one.

Hi everyone!

after 3 weeks on an antibiotic for a cellulitisinfection it is finally healing and closing over. The infection was very deep in the tissues of the abdominal wall. Through this whole thing, I’ve been seeing a physicians Assistant She has been fantastic. I do have an appointment next Tuesday for a wound care center, but in light of the progress made since last Friday, it will mostly need to cancel that appointment after I am seen the PA on Friday this week

I
m feeling very positive about this finally, as I was very worried about developing sepsis or a blood infection. After talking with my PA today, it seems very unlikely that this open will still be there once it is completely healed.

I hope everyone has a decent July 4. We are spending at our daughters with her in laws. It will nice


june 29 my sister leaves California to move to Kentucky bittersweet for all of us leaving California. I may not see my sister again for several years as flying to kentucky across the country is very expensive. .

SharynMMarie... Praise the Lord!... Awesome news! 🙏💞

Great news SharynMarie!

Hummingbird I am wishing you all the best as you process your decisions regarding your mother.

I've been in a good place for a few days and so thankful.

When I got home Monday evening I found fridge not working. The service contract is expiring soon so I was in a sort of panic it may have expired. They offered a new fridge and then I could get another contract. Whew!
So having seen the repair men service it in the past. I unplugged it and bought up things to my fridge. Next morning I plugged it in and it works. I will be going to get new fridge next week. Last time I had to add more cash in same situation and I don't have it right now. I was so relieved for this option.

So this morning I came down to bake some sweet potatoes for my visit with my mother tomarrow. I usually do salmon and sweet potatoes but can only cook one thing at time. So on my way back upstairs I decided to check my mother's rooms on parlor floor. The ceiling plaster in her closet fell and then I noticed the top part of the one of the back rooms had fallen inside and one side of panes shattered. So I lock door and go up to get plastic to cover the opening until I get money to fix it.
When I go back down the lock is jammed I could get in tried and tried. I go to store come back and tried again. So thankfully there are bars to the window.

I luckily I had changed looks to the front room when my sister left doors unlocked for access to thermostat when the heater stopped working one of the coldest weeks in winter. That was a gruesome trial.
So years ago before my sister locked all the doors on her floor and my mother used to go up there I noticed how the tub around the silver drain had eroded so all this long the water had been leaking down. The ceiling on my floor directly under the bathroom on her floor is the messed up also now anew piece has fallen.
I text my nephew asking to make his mother aware I had a little turmoil inside knowing how they ignored my mother's need so why would they care about the house falling apart.
Anoway nothing more I can do until I get money and have to break into the room because I can't get in through locks I had changed and my sister has keys to the back entrance.

So I kinda started to go into my bad place and then I started counting my blessing like I was advised to do. It took away a lot of anxiety I have to keep going there looking at my blessings.
Ali thanks for the perspective. It's now my mantra I just have to keep remembering it.

Happy fourth to everyone.
I am not looking forward to nerve racking fire works and I remember the joy in seeing the beauty.

Rays of love and peace to us all.

Welcome Jeanelf, Joskijoe and hummingbird, So nice to see you posting hearttoheart.

Caregivers, look after yourselves. Boundaries are important - they are for you not for the the person or people who may or may not change. When things got too stressful, I emotionally distanced and detached, and reduced contact. I needed that for my survival.

Venting is helpful, reading posts about people with similar situations and feelings is helpful. Recognizing we don't have control over every situation or person is helpful. Learning to self protect is helpful. I eventually cut off contact with my sister for self protection. Three years later I know it was for the best. While mother was alive I maintained only the absolutely necessary contact with mother and sis knowing they would be emotionally/verbally abusive sooner or later (almost always with mother and regularly with sis though she could be charming when she wanted to be).

sharyn - so glad your cellulitis is healing. It must have been very scary. Hope it never happens to you again.

duck - keep on working through your feelings and protecting yourself as possible from your sis and nephew. Look after your health!!! I hope eventually you will have a place separate from your sis. She sabotages you.

ali - I have found that the good things surface from time to time and I am thankful for them, There weren't enough of them and there ere too many bad things but I never let the bad things define me.

Enjoying some lovely summer weather here and continuing to prep the house for sale. I have some great guys helping in the garden, a couple of truckloads worth that will go to the dump, a bunch of stuff for donation/give away. My bedroom is about staged for showing, two other bedrooms are close. Getting there!!!

Happy July 4th to all posters from the US. 🎆🎇🎆🎈🎈🎈 The extent of my July 1st experience was having gone to bed and hearing some noises. I got up to investigate and realized they were fireworks down by the river and went back to bed!

Thank you for the 4th wishes Golden!
Having heard from many in Canada, I now believe that the celebrations overall are reserved.

But don't think for one minute that here in America, we are much different.
At least Caregivers, and past Caregivers.

I will be staying in, battening down the hatches, protecting my pet from the firework noises. We will be happy to get that new flag delivered yesterday on display by the 4th. Hooray. I think.

Thanks too, for the reminder about boundaries. Mine collapsed.

Greetings everyone. And Happy 4th! I am truly not looking forward to the fireworks. Although illegal in NY the booms and displays go on and on.

They are getting more and more elaborate. Years back it was so amazing to feel like you could reach out and
touch them.


Golden! How are you! Wow! You arexmoving again. I am not caught up. How is DD. I so truly admire your strength resilence and wisdom. Especially through forest fires and so much .
Your posts about issues in Nursing home with clothes and TX prepare me in a sense .
You are always in my heart and prayers. PS. Dr Bonners is called I have used since you told me about it.
Be safe everyone
Ray of love healing and peace to us all.

duck - I haven't moved yet. Still working on it after sewer, water and flooding issues which, hopefully are resolved. I will be 85 this summer and with CFS/FM I am pleased to have gotten this far. Definitely time to be in a less challenging home.

Dd had surgery a month before the date that my youngest son passed 20 years ago. It did a bit of a number on me. I just have to hunker down and get through these things, and I do, but it slows my progress with the house.

Dgd and her boyfriend just got an apartment in Edmonton with their (her) dog and cat. I think they are going to be OK. It's in the same area that her older bro is - a nice safe part of the city with lovely large old trees. Younger bro is already planning on visiting. I have promised them a meal out when I get down there.

Hey all. The forth was cool. I was not traumatized by the noise. I ran into an old gentleman from neighborhood Today. He moved in to senior housing a d loved it. Said he could turn one way and observe fireworks at Hudson River and turn other way d see the fireworks in coney Island. I relived that beauty in his amazement. I am sure it's more beautiful over years.
I am holding on to counting or rather acknowledging my blessings. The perspective is working for me.
To be honest i

Almost posted this in the jokes section.. LOL Got my birthday card from SIL and BIL,, late again for the last many years... a generic one you get free in the mail. So this year hers is similar,, but she will get it in plenty of time as I am organized and do all my cards for the month at once and mail them a week before. As the WV home is now ours and I knew the insurance would not be renewable by us as FILs name was on it, we had gone ahead and gotten a new policy. When we got back from our trip she mailed the old policy renewal and bill to us.. late of course, Passive Agressive much? Hubs has not really spoken to BIL since the trust and properties got finalized after much stalling on BILs part. Can't say I mind a bit.

I’m alone with my Mom in a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment and I weighed 288 lbs the other day. I can’t believe it. That depression or stress could make me gain that much weight and I know that I’m pre diabetic. I need to exercise and do cardio. My Mom is 90 years old and I have no help besides my older Sister and she brings food for her and desserts because my Mom loves sweets and Martinis. She drinks coffee and isn’t deprived from being here. No nursing home would be this good. Well as for me it could be worse but it could be better. My 55th Birthday is July 15th and I have given my best effort being her Caregiver. Never again will I be a Caregiver. It’s a killer. She’s got dementia but she isn’t going to be diagnosed. The physical therapists say she’s ok and she really isn’t. It’s this whole shroud. Denial. I don’t have a girlfriend and no kids. So if I make it past 70 I don’t know what to expect. I sometimes feel like I’m at the end of my rope.

Send, the 4th can be very hard on our pets. My two young kitties were very anxious by all the noise.

thanks everyone regarding the cellulitis. I did go to wound care. I’m instructed to continue doing what I have been doing and keeping it covered with a gauze pad for another couple weeks.

PaulC53,

I know exactly what you're dealing with, brother. I've been there myself and am still currently there. I'm leaving though. I'm not giving my abusive, dysfunctional mother anymore of my life to destroy with her negativity, neediness, and misery. She's gotten enough from me already and she's on her own. Either my do-nothing sibling steps up and takes the responsibility or the state does, but either way I'm done. I refuse to die a martyr on Caregiver Hill. 'F' that. Seriously.
In fact, she was trying to get a fight going with me just today and when her attempts failed to get the desired result she started lashing out at me. I got right in her face because I want to be plainly understood and told her that she has no idea the level of indifference that I'm capable of, and that her lashing out will only result in me not lifting a finger to aid her in any way for the rest of her life. I am leaving the hellhole I grew up in and went back to because I've reconciled with my ex-husband.
Let me tell you something. You being overweight at 288 pounds does not mean you can't have a girlfriend. My ex-husband got back together with me when I weighed in at over 250. When we married I looked like swimsuit model. He helped me lose almost 80 pounds over the last year.
My friend, your mother needs to get cognition testing for dementia done. There has to be a formal diagnosis because when there is, things can be handled much differently.
Then start looking into moving away from her. Your life can't get better while the two of you live together. There is no way it can inprove. It's like planting seeds in a pot. You might use the best soil available and water it regularly, but if you deprive it of light and warmth it will not grow.
Neither will you. Get away from your mother. If that means facility placement, then you and your sister have to discuss that. If it means homecare, look into that.
You are miserable living with her. You deserve better than to have such a life. I know what your life is like and it's time for you to take it back. You are more important than your mother. She is elderly and has lived her life. You are not. Please don't deprive yourself of having a life because you deserve one.

Thank you everyone for your caring and supportive advice. So to catch up on what has been happening.

Two weeks ago my SIL told Mom she was "kidnapping" her to spend 3 days with her at her place with her and her x-hubby. According to Soc worker, there is nothing I can do. So..Friday night I had all of Mom's things packed food and clothes. I warned SIL about about Mom's dementia, incontinence, delusions... she would not listen to me...she thought she knew it all and I was just a terrible person.

Sat morn, she took Mom 2 hrs away to a prison where she was visiting her son. She had her dtr pick up Mom from the prison, to bring Mom to her dtr's place so she could see the new baby. Which left mom scared and confused. Later that day, SIL returned home (to her place) with mom to relax and watch movies.

That night mom kept wandering around looking for the bathroom, peed in her closet, and was delusional.

Sunday am early, Hubby got a call asking him to come get Mom. - 1 hr away. When hubby picked her up, Mom was very delusional, confused, scared, exhausted...
It literally took a week to get Mom back to a less agitated state of mind.

A week later SIL decided she had to come over and spend time with Mom.
She arrived Friday night. We had BBQ ribs, so we saved her some.. everyone used paper plates... easy - no drama.

Saturday am, I got up at 5 as is usual to do my normal cleaning.
I thoroughly mop all the floors under and behind all furnishings, do laundry, etc. while mom is asleep so she doesn't become confused or agitated.

This Sat morning, they got up late and she was hanging out with mom. Mom and SIL wanted their hair French braided, so I stopped cleaning and did that. I made sure Mom had all her meds, protein shake, electrolytes, and water for the day.

Then I hear SIL tell someone she and mom had not yet eaten because I had not yet fixed their breakfast. This was around 11 am. They had just gotten up an hour or so ago and Mom doesn't eat for a least an hour and a half after taking her meds. That irritated me, but I let it go.

Sunday, Hubby and I got up early as usual to get my office converted from the storage room to a functional office space. We had an order for new DSL lines to be installed this week.. This was our only day to get things done...

5 hours into the project and she's wondering when I am going cook. I advised her she would need to cook as I did not have time. She was not happy, but cooked for herself and Mom.

Finally around 5 or 6 that night, I serve a Roast Beef dinner (love my Insta-Pot), then hubby and I crash on the couch, I'm starting to fall asleep when SIL invites her dtr and family to come over, but doesn't tell me about it.

At 8:30 pm SIL's Dtr shows up bringing her 3 children + 1 baby and proceeds to feed her children a plate of tuna fish for dinner - not even a sandwich...just the tuna slopped on a paper plate...

Well, fortunately, I had cooked enough for 2 meals for our family, so I gave it to the children. The mother also wanted a bowl, so I gave her one. - I could not sit back and not feed the kids something. They are so skinny as it is.

Anyway, around 9:30 pm. I hugged my MIL and told her I was going to bed. I was tired. (Since Hubby was there, he stayed up with them.)
SIL tells Mom I didn't go to bed because I was tired... I went to bed because I was *angry* that her kids came over without telling me. That was irriating.

Fortunately, Mom's memory is getting worse and she doesn't remember.

Dealing with dementia is as hard on the patient as it is the caregiver. They are losing their cognitive function. It's embarrassing having to be helped to get dressed, or helped to take a shower, or be walked to the bathroom, and then not making it, and needing assist. to get a shower or get cleaned up.

Mom doesn't even know what medicines she has to take. Hubby gets her meds for the week ready every Sun.

I could use some advice on what activities to get her involved in

Louise4,

Who has POA for mom and has she ever been formally diagnosed with dementia and declared mentally incompetent by a doctor?
This is important. I have no idea why the social worker on the scene does not understand that mom is incompetent and has some kind of dementia.
For your sanity please get a POA in place and start looking at some alternative living arrangements for her.
If she's delusional and peeing in a closet, then it's probably time to look into placement in the appropriate care facility to meet her needs.
Whether or not your SIL agrees with this is neither here nor there. Unless she wants to take her to live in her house and she can become her 24/7 caregiver and babysitter.

Well I lost my post Iguassu for the better been crying and sad and lonely about everything thing the old thoughts trigger same . So tired of being Ms.OKAY and knowing how deeply I been fooling myself. Wishing I could be normal or just plain accepted and appreciated just for who I am. I my self protective measures mostly no longer work. I'm older constant hip pain an so much unresolved trauma. Please pray for me.

Of course I'll pray for you Duck. I'm sorry you are having a bad time. I have a hard time controlling my thoughts too Duck. My self talk has always been an issue for me. I've always been very hard on myself. It sounds like you are too.

I try to pray and turn my problems over to the Lord. When I do this I always get this feeling of self love which I know is the acceptance of God.

But I do struggle. Life and it's worries gets in the way and then I forget about God and try to rely on myself again which makes everything worse. It's this constant battle. If I lived in a vacuum with no other people or the world getting in the way it would be easier.

Hang in there Duck!

(((((Hugs)))), good thoughts and prayers, Duck. We care. We accept you and love you as you are.

Big (((((hugs)))) from me too, duck. You are worthy, You are valuable, You are deserving of love. Right now you are hurting - understandably. I know those old thoughts and feelings too. They are not my friends.
eart
Prayers for physical and emotional healing, 🙏🙏🙏 💖💖💖