notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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So when I woke candy thought of all I needed to do I thought of the walk to the supermarket and how much slower I've been walking I decided to lay Baytown and chill. I really appreciate you all. I really want to say love you all. Thank You!!! Still there working my way back.
The voices that tell you that you are smart, caring, self-sufficient and worthy of a good life are onfants by comparison. They have few defenses against those older and better-developed bullies.
Get some Post It notes. Write good thoughts (one per note) and post them somewhere where you'll see them every day!
Now with chronic hip pain getting worse and flares up more often I get depressed wonder how long I have andvhoww sad it is to limp to work and home.in pain.
Choices... decisions...
Alone... I am work in progress. Whew!! I know there are people caring heavier loads. You're all in my heart and prayer.. so glad for this forum
Sometimes in trauma recovery, some things we used to be interested in shut down and we may find ourselves confused. That’s normal.
Be patient and gentle with yourself.
Life can get weird for a while before things start to clear up. Try not to second-guess your reactions: allow them to pass through and get to know the emotions behind the reactions.
There's often a lot of pain, grief and anger stirring. One might lose whatever sense of humour one has too, for a while."
Often enjoyable and a typical part of life things become understood as being a self-medicating, self-soothing tool. People self-medicate through substance or alcohol use, “retail therapy”, becoming work-aholics, etc. Some ways of medicating are just more socially acceptable than others.
As you heal your person, the physiological need to self-medicate lessens.
I told my dil to at least research detaching with love.
I have scheduled an appointment for next Monday, July 25 for us to sign papers allowing both of us rights to discuss health issues with our drs as well as our daughter.
what is he thinking to not take care of himself.}. His brother told me he is just like his dad.
any suggestions are appreciated
There is no HIPPA or POA, or DPOA assigned by my husband.
If he refuses to allow me to be informed, involved in his health care, then I withdraw ALL SUPPORTIVE services that 1) I am providing; and 2) I am taking responsibility for arranging for him. We are often both on the phone talking to his health care providers, him giving me permission each time.
This includes cooking and preparing his meals (which he can do for a short term), but not for long.
People can talk about a person's rights to refuse care, to make their own choices, to be self-determined-and I go along with that as long as he is not a danger to himself or others. I have to live with him. Self-inflicted neglect is really not allowed because it affects me if he does not care.
No one is dying on my watch. Call me names, it's okay.
Disclaimer: My answer is for SharynMarie, in her situation, in her age group, in her home, in her husband's condition. It will not apply to every caregiver, nor to every diabetes patient, nor to every situation. I am certainly not an expert on diabetes, but others are. So, don't call me names, on second thought.
Is there other medication, or food that he is neglecting to take and eat?
If my husband becomes anymore like his Dad, instead of the dear, sweet, kind person that he is, then something must be done.
Husbands can be a pain at times, I get that.
Keep an eye on him, right? He may just need a little extra help for a time.
I very rarely lose my temper but today I did. I asked if she wants to go to her grave making sure that I hate her. I told her that there isn't people lined up at the door just waiting for the honor of emptying and cleaning her commode full of piss and sh*t five and six times a day. Or cook her meals. Or clean her house. Or run her errands. Or take her to appointment after appointment.
I'm done with being treated like less than a piece of garbage. With actual garbage, it's simply thrown away and that's the end of it. No one bothers to torment or abuse it. No one berates or bullies it either.
I prefer my mother to treat me like garbage because it would be an improvement. I ignore her as best I can and await the day when I walk away.
I try to keep in mind that you change those things within your power to change. To accept that which is beyond your power to change, and to have the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes that's hard to live by. Thanks for the rant.
I am comming around somewhat. I've beenhere before many times and it Hurts like hell.
SharynM thanks for the kind thoughts.
I had my WTC annual assessment which is traumatic each time. When I am in a place that is part of and reminds me of how my life changed for the worst and emotional trauma.
Anyways I gratefully accepted the referral to case management for counsel
I hope and pray you find a way to process and deal with the constant hurt.
Part of why I got in forum and never left is because so many here have been there, or are still there but share to help heal
This last week I encountered three different people who were going through the same crying state.
An aquaintance in neighborhood shed lost a lot of weight as we spoke for quite a bit the tears flowed x2. She refused counseling I explained how happy I was to have someone who could help me get counseling I need.
Then my cousin called her fiance broke it off. I shared how I spent two straight days crying and when she said same I felt her pain.
Then there's another buddy she is older lady. She was shopaholic and has awesome stoop sales. Anyway she has copd. Has just been certified via wtc and was crying same wayupon seeing her lung issue on paper. I bought her NAC Years ago when I saw how it helped me. She was scared to take it. She is sort of homebound. I coughed constantly after wtc anything would trigger it I got so used to coughing going to md to no avail. It became a norm like the hip pain I end up near death. She scared I'm scared. It's amazing that we were all in a state of pain and crying at same
span. Or rather to notice it.
I made my self sick. Over two weeks bad stomach pain. I felt my blood work would show something and thank goodness my pressure was ok.
I truly feel for everyone in forum going through these painful trials.
I thought I was a bad *** ms. Fix it make everyone happy. Now trying to figure myself mechanism
Of survival. Why I could see or chose not to see. Everytime I wake my reality is sad.. I couldvlose my mother any day. She is not coming back home.. how I've been programed to make sure she okay. Why I feel outcast in certain ways and it's real. I can't w.ait to get into counsel
Rays of love peace and healing to us all
I get so confused because last week my hubs told me he stopped insulin 6-8 weeks ago. Today he says it was only 3 weeks ago.
While signing the paper work today, I filled out the same forms my hubs filled out. It took him twice as long. I had to help him. Please understand I’m not trying to make it out he has a cognitive issue, but it worries me because he is very intelligent but seems to lack common sense. Where I’m going with thus and maybe it’s my understanding of the forms, it asked for the name of the person who was given access and their relationship. I put either spouse or daughter. My husband put himself. They accepted both way.
Maybe he is trying to save money somehow?
dck - sorry you are going through such a hard time these days but very happy that you are getting counselling. It has helped me a lot. The WTC trauma must be awful. I pray you meet some people IRL who will uplift you.
Ojrenee - welcome to the forum and to this thread, Many of us here understand where you are coming from. I am sorry for all that you have gone through. I hope it is over and you can start to heal now. Recovery is a long journey and communicating with people who have been there helps.
sharyn - reading your posts my thoughts go to my father and his decline into vascular dementia. He did not look after his type 2 diabetes or his BP and that contributed to his decline. My father was very intelligent too. It doesn't prevent the effects of untreated diabetes. I gather that your husband has signed his form dictating that only he can see his medical info and you have allowed him and your dd to see yours. Am I reading that right? Is his doctor aware of his falls, his diet and his failure to take insulin? The only thing that will help him is complying with his doctor's advice. Mother went through a some difficult years with my father while the VaD was developing. Please look after yourself - eat right! (((((hugs)))))
The 20 year anniversary since my Gordie died is approaching too rapidly. He would be 43 this year - hard to believe. I am feeling it more probably because I am going through stuff (photos mainly) and also preparing to leave this house which has so many memories of him and the times when we were all together.
Dd has seen the radiation dr. and will be set up with 6 days of radiation in a few weeks - much better than the 6 weeks we thought she needed at the beginning of this journey. She also has some continuing chemo which is not bothering her at all PTL.
I am slowly coming back from my thyroid meds being too low. That did not help. I hope I am on the right dose now.
Take care, all. You matter too.
I am realizing these tumultuous sad moments won't ever go away. Hiding tears trying to blinking them away in transit in public. So glad for the partial anonymity of city life. Yes I look at and appreciate the love and blessings I have experienced and I know that this is part of my strength.
I lost what I was posting my usual novel.
I was moved by a post and was responding it hit home and heart.
So many of you mean so much in my heart because in all your trials and pain you have been a source of inspiration and strength and sentinels at the door of love and grace.
I realize so many issues in my brokenness and my journey to adress the pain in my heart.
I am so grateful for God's Grace part of which imminates through this forum in such a poignant way in my life.
Thank you all.
The thing that I truly know in my heart is that God is working even though it may not seem so. This pain and hurt in our heart hits hard and through the tears and tribulations we become stronger wiser its very subtle.
Just keep God in your life and focus.
I am still struggling. It scares me that I didn't perceive the truth in certain things. Still trying to resolve the effects of programming and truthfully mental and emotional abuse. But I hold on to the love in my heart and my belief that there is still such a thing as love and that God is love.
You hang in there and don't let go!!!! We gonna be alright!!!!!!!!!
Kellse, vascular dementia is a possibility as he has already one stroke. Yes I called the dr office and told the receptionist but this was before we signed hippa rights. I don’t know if she told the dr. Now that we have rights to each other’s info, I can call and talk directly to the dr. He is on Medicare so his meds are not closing him too much.
Golden, I hope he is not getting vascular dementia. I will have to research it and the symptoms.
my nephew called me this morning, after telling him about my hubs stopping the insulin, he turned the phone over to my niece in love. I’m thinking of getting a living trust and having medical DPOA written up even If it’s for a short term situation. She agreed it was best to do this because we just don’t know what will happen in the next two hours we decide to drive somewhere. I did not want to jump tge gun, so to speak, being too hyper vigilant.
Golden, I agree I can’t follow him around to be sure he is taking the insulin and I know enough about detaching with love but being aware. I have a couple of attorneys here in Idaho to talk with. I can’t do anything now, but when I get my mandatory IRA distribution in January I can set up appointments to have medical on both of us.
thank you everyone for info and support. I truly appreciate it.
sharyn - I too hope he isn't developing it. My father had falls, poorly managed diabetes type 2 and high blood pressure. Hope your hubs BP is good. You say your hubs is like his father. What was his old age like? You are wise to establish yourself on a sound financial basis. I am glad you have attorneys to consult.
The other day was my older bro's bday. I texted him a bday greeting. Then I did something stupid and "got in my feelings." I texted again to say briefly how, on his bday in 2011, I went from LA to Chicago to look in on our aging grandmother, and told him how finding the paid return-flight receipt (a flight I never took) in my files earlier this year made me reflect on life. And I tied it into a short inspirational bday message about stopping to celebrate life along the way because it goes fast. At the time I convinced myself, "Hmm, this is a nice message, yeah? Heartfelt. Personal." 🙃
It clicked tonight when I read someone else's post that OF COURSE the biggest motivation for my sending that second text is because I've always wanted to convince him that he's wrong about me. He thought I went to our gm's house in 2011 because I had nowhere else to go. I was hapless, or manipulative. He misrepresents and misinterprets my behavior because of some trope he has in his head. And years later, I'm bringing up stuff in a bday text -- while all true and *possibly* relevant, haha -- to try to show him he's wrong about me.
I will never accomplish that. And I need to give it up and let it go for my own sake.
Do we ever really learn emotional boundaries when it's family, and there's some (imaginary) chance of a loved one saying, "Geesh, I'm wrong, you're right, let's hug it out"..?
Why do I care so much about what he thinks? Why do I treat him like he's the boss of me since I've been trying all my life to show him that he isn't?
I know there's no surprise validation coming from the same old failed sources, and yet I still catch myself trying for it. Dang it.
I was invited to auntie dearest's lake place this weekend. She even reminded me that she isn't getting any younger! What i.would have given for her to validate me when I was in the family battleground of caregiving all by myself! I even told her once an apology would even help. NOTHING! it still hurts. Twisteds never apologized either.
For those that don't know, I was reported to APS by twisted sissies at which time I decided I had better lawyer up. APS could find nothing amiss. Then court appointed guardian and conservator found nothing amiss either. Twisted sissies never believed the pros either! I eventually won in court.
It got very ugly one twisted I haven't spoken to in 6-7 years, the other only on rare occasion. Still I hope one day for an apology, it will never come. And quite frankly, an apology will never be enough for the seven years of turmoil I went through just hoping they would do the right thing.
Sad, isn't it? Without the support from this group, I never would have made it. I have been here ten years now and listen to me I still need you all almost as much as I did then.😙😙 and mom passed five years ago!
Ali same sentiment.
Sharyn I hoping the best
THanks Golden I feel like that wounded hurting child in me is overriding my life. Still learning still hoping for what I guess genuine natural acceptance. But the one I long to accept and embrace me are gone.
Losing my big girl strength after a few surpise dips and hip issue I just stay in prayer and hope.
Not crying so much feeling better. Got paperwork for retirement although it's greatly reduced by outstanding loan I just lost track of. 2000 is now 10 and growing. Never knew I was outstanding until I was yrs ago but irs and penalties was the priority.
Crazy choices bad decisions ignorance.
BUT still I rise.
I pray you are all well and strong. Rays of love and healing to us all.
Here goes:
Dear Gladimhere,
We are very sorry and apologize most sincerely for the horrendous way we treated you and for the outrageous and hurtful lies we told about you.
We are despicable trouble-making a$$holes and no mistake. We didn't even have enough respect for ourselves to be ashamed of how we treated you.
Indeed we are bent low with shame and remorse for it today though. We can't even begin to make amends for the 7 years of turmoil we put you through. We did nothing to help and we are sorry. Let us begin to make amends and heal.
You were a wonderful caregiver and a hundred times better than either of us could ever have been because we're sorry losers.
Please accept these two checks for $25,000 apiece from each of us as a small token of how much we love and appreciate you. This truly is the very least we can do.
We hope and pray that you can forgive us even though we don't deserve your forgiveness.
With Humble and Penitent Sincerity,
The Sissies
This should be the apology and validation you deserve, Glad.
The twisteds 1 & 2