notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Glad, it's so sad to have to deal with one twisted, but two!
Anyways I admire your strength and wisdom arisinging from these unfortunate life issues.
Just this week I sought of accepted that my mother really doesn't need me to survive. I don't know how to put it. But then I also thought of all the ugly wrongful deeds towards me and trainingvmy sister. I mean deep deep stuff.
I won't ever understand the depth or reason for the hatred. But it came to me that when I was near death in hospital I heard from a family member and friend that my mother was freaking out for lack of better words. I think this may have felt like betrayal to my sister. Any way I never felt the concern and in fact things escalated. I felt alone and guilty for stressing everyone. But no one came or called. I could not walk and talk at same time. Then I think of my dumb a cooking meals trying to make everyone comfortable in the episode of distress.
Not for nothing but this week in my struggle thinking of how she treated me and how those memories are triggered just from natural situations or routine. Anyways for one time it eased my guilt.
Uplate I'm still in a cloudy space. Hip issues make it even harder to fin
Working with chronic pain
Acreating my limitations
I have so much to learn and I'm kind of scared because of things I did know or see that scares me that I misses.
I struggle to stop trying to control things. It's hard to let go and let God but I see the truth and grace that it's best to do.
Anyways rays if love and light to us all.
I guess a psychologist would say it's my inner child rearing it's ugly head.
I pray God shines his grace on all of us and helps us to love ourselves enough to drown out those thoughts.
Peace to all of you.
my sil in Montana contacted me today. She had to place my brother in a facility the end of June because he was getting too aggressive. If is best for both of them. My brother has had Alzheimer’s 2015-2016
THanks for sharing and reaching out in the mist of your pain or after a hard road of betrayal and pain.
Its not the sharing only but knowing some have been through so much turmoil and comevout of the storm with beautiful harts and full of wisdom to help others. I just fill grateful.
Then wondering why I'm emotional and my father Birthday is tomarrow and my cousin who passed from cancer was on the 12th.
Its amazing how deep love and even pain touches us forever. 40 years my father passed and I still miss him.
Looking at pictures......
Well
Rays of love and peace and healing to us all
And Duck..........you keep on posting. It helps you and all of us as well.
We are all in this together.
I lived my entire adult life in another state and moved back 6 months ago to help my mom and her husband (he was really sick for one year before he passed away). Since her husband passed my brother who has been addicted to heroin for decades and actually overdosed 7 times and almost died twice (I learned about that recently) is back on that drug and has been taking over $5,000 out of her account each month. My mom kept wondering why that one account was getting lower each week and I highlighted the ATM transactions on her bank statement. She doesn’t believe that he would do that and is in total denial! Meanwhile she complains about her electric bill and continues to purchase items from qvc. She doesn’t see her problem by not moving - not even to use the bathroom - the house smells awful as she sits in urine for hours at a time and she doesn’t see my brothers drug problem! She is also a hoarder (seriously can’t get rid of anything!) and a shopaholic! Buying numerous things like makeup even though she hasn’t left the house for 2 years except one time to go to rehab. And buying pots and pans etc etc the house is full of boxes that are unopened. Why open boxes no one will use??? But it is her money she went to work every day until she was 74 years old - she’s now 76. I recently found documents from when some of our relatives passed away 5 to 15 years ago and they left “my mom and her children” money - about $400,000 total. My other brother and I never saw a dime of it but our one brother addicted to drugs - his drug dealer got just about half of that! This stuff is so crazy so dysfunctional that I’m telling you I can’t make it up!!
I have been getting upset with my mom recently because I think my brother has a problem and should go to rehab - but she disagrees and makes excuses for him and thinks he can do no wrong! He sits around all day while my mom pays his house bills and says he’s sick or hurt his leg and can’t mow the lawn - day after day!! One day every 2 weeks he actually will mow! Meanwhile I go to work each day Monday thru Friday all day then come home at night and do her housework and yardwork until it gets dark. And now she wants me to pay my brothers electric bill because she is so worried about money and will never have enough money to survive(which is totally exaggerated) Trying to take care of 2 houses is really hard by myself - I’m mentally and physically exhausted! This is true dysfunction!! No help and no acknowledgement or appreciation that I’m actually getting things done. Just complain complain complain and of course denial!! I’m 56 years old my husband left me 4 months ago - right when I needed him the most - and I’m sad I’m lonely and just trying to survive each day. I wish my mom was in a home where she’d be taken care of properly but she doesn’t want to go and my brother is afraid they’ll freeze her bank accounts so he won’t let her go either. I know she’s sad and mourning her husbands passing and gets lonely too without him. My mom needs to be bathed - she’s diabetic so she needs better nutrition- my brother gets her junk food candy bars and fast food during the day when I’m at work. She needs proper care!!
that’s my messed up family story… so much more I could tell you- maybe another day.
I am so grateful and cannot express my appreciation and love for the profound blessings that have saved my sanity through the wisdom and pain and progression of the journeys of others. The awesome effect and beauty of God working through such beautiful wise souls.
I respect always the awesome input that triggered and saved my sanity. So many special folk who were able to break through my secure insanity sometimes painful but an awesome experience of God working.
A painful journey so amazing to witness God working through such beautiful souls using their natural gifts moved in a way that blesses us with perspectives that truly enhance our growth and understanding in such a profound way.
I am no ways perfect. Have so Many issues. A gift of seeing certain things is painful.
Hang on there gurl and guys. God is standing by with so many angels right here in this forum and in our lives. ((((HUGS TO YOU ALL))))
'I'm done with being treated like less than a piece of garbage. With actual garbage, it's simply thrown away and that's the end of it. No one bothers to torment or abuse it. No one berates or bullies it either.'
Never thought I'd ever envy a piece of garbage, but you make a good case for it :(
Your feelings of resentment are not your inner child rearing its ugly head.
Your inner child is showing all the pain and hurt it lived through and in. Little Gershun deserves some validation and there's nothing ugly about that.
What really pushes my buttons tho is my mother. She KNOWS all this. When I get angry that I get no help, that I am burned out and they do nothing but come and go like a fart in a windstorm, (after they promised two years ago to help if I did this at least one day a week and never have yet but cause trouble instead like threatening to "report me" for not giving them 24/7 access to my house), she will never say anything remotely true like, "I don't blame you for being angry;" or "your sister is selfish" or "she treats you horribly and always has." That's the truth. That's what makes me mad. I sacrificed so much for my parents and now ruined my retirement for mom and she can't even ever acknowledge that I do this for her. And before you get all "It's your choice, no one made you do it," consider that everyone needs to be treated like a person and then more importantly, certainly doesn't need to be gaslighted--like what I say is not the truth. Thank God my extended family sees my sister for what she is and so does my psychologist who knows me (not psychiatrist who is new for anxiety meds and insomnia). But my mom, for whom I've always been there -- nah, it's just expected of me because I'm the "good daughter." The bad daughter gets away with murder. My mom takes me completely for granted and treats my horrible sister that shows up once every three months for 5 minutes like does no wrong. THAT's what drives me nuts. I'm so loyal to her, do so much, and what do I get back? Nothing but more gaslighting. She says, "that's how some people are" or "What do you want me to do about it?" I've heard that my whole life. I want what I've NEVER EVER GOTTEN FROM YOU: VALIDATION. That I'm a good person, that I do right by you, that what I say is the truth. I want to be respected enough to have the truth acknowledged. Instead, I'm supposed to just take it, be the good slave and keep quiet about abuse. Well, you know what, it's not okay. She's stolen from me, my mom and asked for 1/3 of the money when mom sold her house (in which case there'd be no money for caregiving now--what makes her think she's entitled to mom's money while she's alive?) She and her husband just retired early--bought a camper. Wanted to be reimbursed for spending $3.99 for water for my mom. It's just maddening. I really think this aggravation is going to kill me. I don't know how to make it stop. I try to rise above it but I can't make it stop. I'm SO RESENTFUL now. I'd like to place her somewhere but they wont take her in AL because of a colostomy and there are no decent long-term nursing homes around here.
Sorry for the rant. I just can't take much more. Been gaslighted and guilted into sacrificing everything for my parents my whole life. Didn't even get married until I was 57 and then my husband killed himself two years later because he had PTSD from Vietnam. I had two good years with him, when I was free. And now I'm right back into the "good daughter' role. I hate it. I need to find a way out of this but the guilt trip I get from even considering it is hard to overcome because I've had 60 years of being brainwashed..
Burntcaregiver, your letter to gladimhere was epic. Thank you for writing it.
In my family we had all of the above and then some. My mom is deceased but when she was alive it was kind of expected of me to be mom's caregiver cause I was childless, wasn't working etc. etc. And don't get me wrong. I adored my mom. I would have done anything for her. What galled me was my siblings response to it all. When my mom became elderly and sick none of them seemed to really care. They all assumed that I would do everything but piped up when they thought it wasn't done right. Brother would visit mom, all shiny faced, like here I am, the golden boy, what more does mom need. I think he came by once with frozen pizzas and a bag of tomatoes for her. Then he'd phone me and say, "mom looks like she hasn't brushed her teeth in weeks, what are you going to do about it" Or say things like "well, it's obvious I'm mom's favorite" then laugh like he was just kidding when I knew he meant it.
When it came to the decision to stop all life saving measures guess who the only sibling out of 6 siblings was there to make the decision with no input from anybody. Yeah, you guessed it. Me!
This is not acceptable behavior anyways but given the fact my mom was a saint, who brought up 7 children all by herself after losing my dad to cancer, after having breast cancer herself, with nary a complaint and still my sibs did nothing.
The resentment lingers but I need to remind myself on a nearly daily basis that the resentment is hurting me. They could care less. They go on their merry way.
I wish I had great advice to offer. All I can say is give yourself all the recognition you don't get from your sister etc. I believe in karma. She'll get what's coming to her in the end or maybe even sooner.
Thanks for that! That is a new one for me.
Jean, how many siblings are there? Just you and narc sis? There were three of us, I am the oldest. Twisted sissie #1 is a malignant narc, bipolar (I believe that woman can cry at the drop of a hat), drama queen, was mom's fav; TS #2 is also a narc, but less than TS#1.
Consider Burnt's letter addressed to you, from me.
gladimhere--I am also the oldest. Sister is two years younger and brother is 13 years younger. He never had to step up and do a thing in his life. Now he's 50 and still does nothing. "Don't tell him--he's fragile and will get upset. It'd be too much for him." What? But it's not too much for me who is a cancer survivor, all alone with no kids or support and lost my husband to suicide? Sister has always been this way--hates that she was born second. UGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Anyway, thank you both so much. You really made me feel so much better this morning because it is so good to be heard and so good to have someone take your feelings seriously. Best to you. x
Your story resonates with me and so many of us here. Namaste because my soul recognizes yours because it is the same.
The gaslighting snideness from the parent we caregive for, the siblings who do nothing, the burnout, and the out-of-pocket it actually costs us.
Many of us, myself included are PAYING to be enslaved and treated like a pile of steaming crap.
No one in your family will go to counseling and they are not going to change. In fact, I would be much surprised if any of them are even able to admit to themselves privately that how they treat you is wrong.
Your mother will never validate you. My mother will never validate me either. We can't change anyone.
Here's what we CAN change:
1) How we respond to the abuse and gaslighting or whether or not we respond to it at all.
2) What our boundaries are and how we will defend those boundaries regardless of how anyone may feel about that.
3) How to make our own definition of guilt. (I have zero guilt over any of my abusive mother's suffering. Everything and anything I do for her is a gift because I owe her nothing).
4) We can choose when we decide to stop caregiving. In many cases we just have to walk away and let the chips fall where they may. Other family either steps up and takes over or the state has to. Either way we have to let it go. Sometimes it's a tough choice to make but the caregiver is the one who chooses when to stop.
I'm going to tell you the God's honest here my friend and I hope for your sake you can do it.
Place your mother. If she is beyond the caregiving offered in an assisted living facility, put her in a nursing home.
I would never insult you or any person in a bad caregiving situation by saying it was your choice and you chose to be the caregiver. You did not chose to give up your life and be enslaved to your mother's neediness. You did not choose abuse from her and your siblings. You did not choose to be treated like a piece of garbage who is then expected to provide loving and compassionate care with a smile. **** that. No one chooses that.
You do have a choice though. You can walk away and should. You did the best you could by your mother and now it's time for you to reclaim your life.
Your sister and brother will either have to grow up and step up, or mom will at some point become a ward of the state. Let them take over now. No more for you.
We do have choices as adults but we didn't as children, and our adult choices are very affected by our childhood inability to remove ourselves from the abuse. We were trained to be the servant child. And it is a very hurtful position to be in. Our needs and feelings were never met or validated and it is hard to fight against the expectations which have been planted in us.
I felt my BPD narcissistic mother and sister never really knew me. They fashioned in their minds the "me" that suited their purposes. It certainly didn't serve my purposes well and I am still healing from that.
We see on this thread, and others, the lack of concern from parent(s) and siblings and their outright hostility towards us. And it affects us deeply.
This resonated with me. -
"With time, you’ll come to see that the frantic, broken, anxious, unhinged version of you was nothing to be ashamed of. You were simply a kind-hearted person reacting to a very unkind situation."
glad - it doesn't go away does it as long as you have contact because they don't change. I am glad you had validation from APS and the courts and L was supportive.
burnt -wow -great letter. I know you are in the middle of it and also looking at what changes you can make. There comes a time to accept that your life is worth every bit as much as anyone else's and you don't owe anyone your peace of mind or your health or your finances.
duck - I think it is a very big thing to accept that your mother doesn't need you to survive. She is cared for by others and you need your energy for yourself - to look after you. That's not selfish - looking after yourself is wise.
gershun - your inner child is beautiful and hurting from many things in the past. Give her all the care and compassion you give others.
sharyn - sorry about your brother. You are right that it is best for both of them.
stacey - you are in a very difficult situation. At this point your mum can spend her money where she wants to. Hoarding is a tough one. Please don't enable your bro like your mum is by paying any bills for him etc. And please, in all of this, look after yourself first. It sounds to me that your mm should be paying for help in her house and garden, You can only do so much before your health is affected. Do you have POA?
jeanelf - it's a pretty intolerable situation. I totally agree with you that family counselling would be useless. My sis is a narc too and nothing will change her. She loved the criticize me all her life so finally, since mother died, I have gone no contact. How you are being treated is NOT OK! The thing is that neither your mother nor your sister are going to change. "I need to find a way out of this..." You do need to find a way out of this. Many of us have been brainwashed. Mother didn't die till she was 106 and I was over 80. I don't want to see you going through this another 20 years.
chef I am so sorry you lost your beloved cat. They are such good companions. Looking after all for mum is a very heavy burden, even when she is in an NH Over three years after mother passed I am still recovering. My own paperwork got left behind as I put mother's needs first. We care about your struggles. Post any time.
((((((((Hugs)))))))))to everyone. 🤗🤗🤗
i wish us luck :). one always needs some luck in life :).
All my 3 G's and so many others.
It brings tears hearing others going through the same pain and struggles.
There are some posts; and I find it so amazing are a blessing to me. Seeing my self and the same programing, issues and pain.
JEan, Chef Burnt I totally relate.
My growth has been very painful. Still is.
I don't know how to say this but I turned to God at an early age around the time my mother said she despised me and I looked up the word despise.
I do know for sure that God has always and is still working in my life and growth.
True evidence is the fact that I was led to this forum.
Divine intervention.
A lot has been transpiring in my life.
Same and similar issues I see in posts.
I wish I could reach out and offer advice.
In my own struggles I have found so much strength and wisdom here.
I thank God for you all for every inkling of sharing. Seeing myself through others. Seeing the same people being an instrument of the higher power towards my healing
And growth doing the same for others.
One thing I find as a common denominator is the beauty and goodness of heart.
I have so much more to share. Issues with this guardianship for my mother and how they have control of her assets receiving her pension so not paying any bills. Not able to reach them' no response or call back two of my mother's case Manger are no longer there and then I learned the supervisor is no longer ther and I get an answering service when I call during business hours.
I am stressed and reaching out for legal intervention. Grateful for the insight and perspectives that guide me towards the proper channels that give me options toward resolving my concerns.
I have always been on a quest for things that can help my health issues and anxiety.
So now I have discovered Matha tea. It seems to help definitely for my anxiety. Also clarity. It's weird how I feel comfortable in accepting the plethora of my limitations.
(((HUGS ))) and healing to us all.
Vent ahead
Got email from auntie dearest yesterday to ask me to send a blanket to my cousin. The fabric of this blanket was designed and manufactured to mom's specs. She once had a business that thrived for a number of years until she developed dememtia. She had coats sewn of the fabrics, Jane Fonda had one that was pictured in People magazine! After that mom's business exploded.
Well there is lots of fabric left so I am blanket stitching them to sell as lap robes.
Well auntie dearest got a vent that I have had building for many years. I told her I would not do to him what twisted sissies did to me. Asked her if she knew twisteds split all of mom's jewelry and that I wanted one item, her wedding ring and in order to get it I had to pay for it.
Also asked her if she knew that mom bought the grandfather clock because she wanted it to be an heirloom and for me to have it. Well, it was put in the estate sale and I was told I would have to buy it I did. There was also a piano that ts2 has, my bet is she didn't pay for it.
I told her to give me his address and I would send a blanket along. No response from her, her DENIAL, my sissies are such wonderful human beings, how could they do that to me?!
So, I contacted my cousin, got his address with a box ready to be shipped tomorrow.
Dysfunction, gotta love it!
Kind of important to not leave that out.
(((((((glad))))) I think it is good you let out the years of frustration. It likely won't change her but it has done you good to express your feelings and be real to her. A lot of the dysfunction seems to center on money, doesn't it? You were not treated fairly - AT ALL!!! But they are happy to use you. I am glad you are finding uses for all that precious fabric. I gather you enjoy sewing. Your mum really was a talented lady. Deep breaths...
Dd has her last 2 radiations next week and will be home by the end of the week and looking forward to it. She has pretty severe fatigue (still had chemo fatigue going into this) but hardly any burns from the radiation which is a blessing. We will have a lunch date after she rests up from the trip home.
Still making progress with house stuff - it's slow but it is happening. I keep finding more of mother's stuff. Opened an old trunk my grandfather made that I had stored in the garage and it was full of writings, address books, albums etc. I didn't go through them this time. Dgs took a couple of things and the rest got tossed. With the work sil and dgs did the other day, the garage is comparatively empty.
Dear Golden I am glad your daughter is maintaining well.
I can imagine the stess of packing.
Wishing you all the best.
Wow! A teacher no wonder. I know your students cherish you in their memories.
I flex through stages and each one can have on brink of tears. It's an emotional rollercoaster dealing with my present life situations.
Hordinary you all in my heart and prayers.
Ray of love and healing to us all.
I was upstairs getting ready for work and was watching a station on the TV that was filming something showing the towers and saw the planes crash into them. The reporters were aghast, For a moment it was hard to believe that it happened.