The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

DDuck, you are in my thoughts and prayers❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏

THank you all. I did have a tearful day even now.
I relived the fear and rush to ho help people. Then the coughing daily and almost dying years later from exposure to the toxic air. Also memories of people telling stories hearing people calling for help as they died.
The fear and panic from the demolition of an unstable building and the roar of people running for safety.
I will ever forget that day and how my life and health changed.
My heart goes out to the lost ones and their families and those who died from exposure there.
My ex who was with FDNYEMS and died from lung cancer working to find people who might be alive in the rubble.
It always make me think of fallen military my son and those who risk there lives for this country and the poor veterans who are homeless and suffering from exposure to tragedies.
I will be in a way until these thoughts wear down.
THank you for caring and kind thoughts

Hey all. I hope everyone's having a decent day. This is going to be a long post. I've got some emotions to "barf up" here; I hope sharing them will resonate.

Some of you know a bit about my family dynamics, but I'm going to put some details down to share my feelings in the larger picture.

It's rare for me to talk with my 72yo mom. After high school/college, I ran out of my home situation and moved to a city 2k miles from where I grew up. Then ten years ago, I naively cornered myself by caregiving for my dad in his home, which is close to where I grew up, and I was viscerally reminded of why I had wanted AWAY from my family and how it felt to be trapped as a kid. My anger and resentment came back, and it felt like emotional waterboarding.

Present day and five years post-caregiving: My nephew is getting married next month. This prompted a call from mom Sunday night, and she mentioned the date as significant because her marriage to my dad was exactly 50 years on that wedding date. She said the coincidence meant some divine blessing for her. I'd had a long day at work on Sunday and didn't handle this well.

I dryly said something about not jinxing the date by associating it with a marriage that lasted three years and produced as many children who grew up in chaos, pointing out that her marriage to my dad wasn't a blessing for *everyone.* She became defensive, I doubled down, we argued, I put in a parting shot with a "goodbye" and ended the call.

I knew I was in the wrong. I took a minute to think about what I want to do differently in our relationship. I texted her an apology; she texted me back, then I picked up the phone and called her back, ready to be kind.

We talked for an hour or so late into Sunday night about the present-day and some stuff from my childhood and the caregiving years. It was a friendly discussion. One event that came up was something that happened in my teen years and has always been such a painful memory. I was the victim of a crime, and my mother slapped me around afterward and told me it was my fault. Oof. Ow. Ouch. Terrible stuff. But we chatted about a bunch of things, including that, and we ended our chat. It was ok. I was emotionally reeling a little, but it was good to talk to her about all this.

She called me again on Monday and started cautiously asking more about that hurtful event. She's never done that before; she's usually defensive about my perspective on the past (or worse, she's accusatory), which can set me off and reduce my emotional regulation to dust. But she was asking, so I told her some things she didn't know, leading to a couple more hours of talking about dysfunctional bygones and listening to each other's experiences. (And laughing about the bullies in our family. Lol. We agree on who the bullies are.)

And for the first time, my mother said that I "definitely had it worse" than she did when she was growing up (though there was plenty of verbal abuse in my mom's childhood home, and - as an example of what my cruel GM is capable of - my GM cut off both my mom's and her twin sister's hair to shame them when they were teens, more than once.).

It's not about keeping score; I don't care who "had it worse." But it lightened my heart a little to hear my mom say this in the context of a conversation where she was hearing me and not deflecting blame.

My mom apologized for that time when I was a teen, and she told me she'd been assaulted at 17yo and couldn't tell my GM because she knew GM would blame her.

I'd never heard that story. And it impressed on me that parents mishandle situations with their kids after having dysfunction modeled for them in their youth. Of course, that is part of it -- the cycle of dysfunction. And it reminds me of what an old-timer on AC used to say about sorting through the family trash pile and picking out what's yours.

My mom took ownership of some of her contributions to the pile, and that feels really good. 🙏😌

Ali - that was amazing. You and your mom broke new ground in your relationship. It feels more like Adult to Adult relationship, and no longer that of mother and a hurtful daughter. I am happy for you.

Bravo to you Ali. Although I was close to my mom there was a lot unsaid before she died.

Good for you for having the courage to broach sore topics. I'm happy for you.

((((((Ali))))) That's awesome. Very well done indeed!!!! Sometimes taking a risk pays off. I am happy for you too. I hope this is the beginning of a better relationship with your mother, but even as a "one off" it was well worth it. Validation in spades!

Ali, good for you! May things continue to progress in a good direction!

Hey everyone! I need to talk about my hubs again. I am concerned and maybe some of you may have info to share with me.

since Labor Day weekend(specifically on Sunday), my hubs has been sleeping excessively. His brother was here and noticed it. He is slooooow in responding, slooow in walking, seems to not be comprehending all I say to him. My daughter has noticed it, my son in love noticed it. He did not wake up to get trash out last week and again this week. He has been laying in bed for hours, commonly until early evening.

im going to call his dr tomorrow (Thursday). I think he needs an MRI and/or possible med tweaking. The MRI would be to rule out possible TIA’s since he has had a mild stroke in the past and twice he has talked jibberish to me making no legible sense.

yesterday he asked me if I would go to Boise with him to help him find a business he needed to go to. Normally my hubs is very confident and would not ask for my help.


I am concerned something is not right. Has anyone experienced this with a loved one. Any info will be appreciated.

This is a great idea since there’s so many of us dealing with this kind of situation. ; ). This is about disfunctional family’s right? It may have posted in the wrong thread. YIKES!

Sharyn, what you described sounds like a mini stroke to me. My mother became slow and slept a lot too. I didn't know it was a stroke until the doc discovered a blood clot in her brain. I really hope your husband will recover. Keep us posted.

sharyn -sounds like a stroke/strokes of some kind. Please get him medical care asap.

Sharyn, it does sound like he has been having TIA's. Something is definitely going on. Can you get him an appointment with a geriatrician or neurologist, soon? If not, I would not hesitate to get him to a 24-Hour emergency center.

It sounds like he should not be driving alone and definitely not into Boise or any distance.

Burning out. Been here quite some time, took some time off. Nothing has changed, Dad living with me for over 8 years now. Me working at home. Not being able to get away. My wife and I did take a log planned trip to Europe for 16 days this summer. Planned for 40 years, my first trip was awesome. Not without a lot of planning and logistics to get dad to my sibling 7 hours away and her willingness to ship him back asap when we got home.
Since then a fall with alt mental status broke a dog gate and had to call my fire department to pick him up. 2 weeks later comes in the house and cannot ambulate properly, after checking vitals determined alt mental status, hence 3 days in the hospital and UTI. A fun-filled evening of 3 guys having to pick him up off the toilet, and full-scale bathroom cleaning after.

Back to Dr visits, in-home PT/OT. Then he is going out to church, lodge, and lunches with his friends so I canceled PT.OT because he is not homebound. But he played the game when they were here, "I exercise, I feel OK very tired" oh yeah he plays it up well like when he is around my sibling. When it's time for breakfast or lunch out with people he is like Johnny lighting down the stairs.

He won't make himself breakfast but will eat whatever dessert we have out or if we make food for him. I refuse to cook breakfast and lunch, he has thrown what I make in the trash before so that ship sailed. The other day didn't eat anything until 4 PM then it was sugar on toast..... when asked by his granddaughter isn't that a lot of sugar "that's the way I like it".

Have to do his laundry now as it piles up for weeks, so we do so my house doesn't smell too much worse.

Last night I called upstairs for my wife and he answers If I call his name he won't answer until the 4th time. This AM he's waiting for his ride and I have to call him. He loves to be waited on. That is my frustrating part.

I buy him his ensure and zero water and whatever he needs and not as much as a thank you. His grandchildren come to the house and he won't come out to even say hi, but if I get someone to stop by he is right out in the middle and sits down at the table. The only grandchildren of all his that even talk to him, one sits with him at church.... nothing.

My mom's anniversary of her passing was this month and he never even says her name anyway or even mentions her, but he could surely send his lady friend flowers for her birthday that day.

I am not sure where all this stems from. I'm burned out and exhausted. I know could be much worse and someday it will be. Others have it so much worse than I do. Just venting here. Before you say it there is no plan B unless full-scale NH. No way to have him someplace else at this time. .............. Long time listener.

I'm just tired

Glad, I do have an appt this morning. I hope he will go with me.

Does anyone else just want to cut yourself off from everyone? My mother had a stroke several years ago and went blind. My half-brother whom I have always had a strained relationship with because I am like 25 years younger has POA. More recently my mother has developed dementia. I live 30 mins away and had been staying with my mother every other weekend. Currently my sister-n-law is in the hospital and I now have to do every weekend. I only agreed on the hope that it keeps them from asking me to do anything during the week as I cannot take responsibility over my mother because I have to work full time and I have a 10 year old daughter. If if wasn't for my mother I would be finished. My husband wants me to be done now. I am beyond stressed to the point where I can't sleep or eat.

I took hubs to the dr. They sent us to ER. CT scan of head and neck on showed a lot of cholesterol build up in his neck arteries. All other tests were negative. They have referred him to a neurologist for an MRI.

Sharyn,, good luck! Glad you got him to go!

Thank you all for the help, glad, golden polar. Everyone We are pursuing it according to what we have been. Possibly he needs surgery k arteries stents or a bypass on the arteries on his neck. I have made a follow up appt with a dr for Monday. Again not his regular dr hopefully the nurse will be here who see him often. This is the problem in Idaho as drs do not have private practice like California. You have to see different drs.

MelBailey - Welcome. That's much too much for you. Seems like it is time for POA brother to find someone else to do the work you have been doing. Caregivers have to look after themselves. I am with your husband. Your child and the two of you must come first. You have done what you could. Please say "No" to more and please take care of yourself.

(((((sharyn))))) thank goodness your hub went to the appointment
and thank goodness the medical people are getting a handle on what's happening before it gets worse. Please keep us updated. Prayers for you and your family.

Dd is happy to be home and seemed a little better (more energy) last time I saw her a few days ago. Her hair is growing in, though still very short but she wears that (style?) well.

I'm very low on energy -CFS no doubt and probably lingering effects of low thyroid still. I read that it takes 4-6 weeks to catch up (thyroid) but maybe longer if your are over 65. Well, let me tell you that I don't like being lumped in with all seniors. There is a big difference between 65 and 85. I'm getting towards the ancient rather than being in the senior bracket. I don't look it but sometimes I feel it. Oh well, there are many with CFS worse than me. Still slowly progressing with the house. R will come up again in a while and when he is finished his work here we should be ready to put it up for sale. Meanwhile some days it is a struggle to get the daily stuff done, never mind anything extra like closets. That is not age but CFS. I've had it worse than this years ago where getting the top off a jam jar was almost impossible, and making a bed was only possible with help. I haven't been that low since thank goodness..

Take care all!

Golden, sorry you are having issues. Someone referred to problems of seniors as having a case of the "olds"

I'm only 60 and lately I've been feeling off. Having morning anxiety which starts the day off bad and brain fog too. Sometimes I feel detached like Scotty from Star Trek beamed me into a place and I don't know what I'm doing there. I did discontinue Prozac recently, keeping in mind I weaned myself off of it very slowly and wasn't taking much to begin with, so not sure if it's what's causing the problem. I recently had all my blood work done and all looked fine except my cholesterol is slightly high and my iron is in the low normal range. The Dr. suggested I might start taking an iron supplement so I might start that and see if it makes any difference.

Sharyn, my mom had clogged arteries in her neck. She said she could sometimes hear a whooshing sound in her ears because of it. I think one side was 80% blocked. I hope your husband can get this taken care of.

MeIBailey, I second what Golden said. She is one of the smartest cookies on here so I'd listen to her advice.

Wooshing in ears? What about tinnitus that seems to be unrelenting and driving me nuts!

Glad, I've suffered from tinnitus. I feel your pain. Have you ever tried Lipoflavanoid. It's a supplement mostly consisting of B vitamins but it helped me a bit. I can find it at most drug stores here in Vancouver. Plus in my case I have neck problems which aggravates my ears too. I find if I can somehow relax my neck muscles it also helps with the tinnitus.

I know I have tension in my neck. I will give that a try. And the vitamin B good for the brain, too, right?

Correct Glad. I hope it helps

Whoosh ear. It's a thing apparently.

Often exained as tinnitus, but it is not.

My DH recently had pulse sounds in ear, then this whoosh ear thing. Dr sent for neck artery scan. Clear luckily - maybe a smaller vein was narrow?? Chol was up ☹️

Now gone, but a little scary.

Sharyn, hope your DH ok 🙏

I get whooshing occasionally when I wake up. It's related to dehydration. I learned that from the CFS forum A few mouthfuls of water and it's quickly gone.

gershun - if it was just the "olds" for me I would be OK. I was recovering from too much activity when R was here and then started doing squats again and I figure that's what that knocked me back down. I have to restrict myself to only a few a day - spaced out. Thing is, I wake up some mornings feeling energetic and then do too much and pay for it.. Sometimes, like earlier this summer, I can do lots and stay fine. Wish I knew the secret to that.

Of course some mornings it's brain fog till the afternoon and I'm not good for much except very simple tasks. During brain fog I find eating a little at a time every few hours, some movement (can hardly call it exercise) and letting go of any stress, and a few cups of tea may help. At least I get very little FM pain these days for which I am very thankful.

Have you tried deep breathing exercises for the anxiety? Sometimes anxiety can go along with a CFS flare up. I have found deep breathing helpful.

Its very difficult...I live 3 hours from my mother and yet drive home every week to care for her...I have an older brother and sister who have made it obvious they do not want to help and live 5 minutes from her...I also take care of my disabled sister who also has a son 5 minutes from her...do I have a sign across my forehead that says Take Advantage of Me...it's now getting to the point that when my mother passes I want nothing more to do with any of them...I'm tired of being tired, anger and resentful...???

(((((berta))))) there are those that give and those that take. You are caregiving 2 people and that's too much. The others have decided not to help. They have that right, but it doesn't mean that you have to pick up the slack. I was mother's caregiver and have gone no contact with my sister since mother passed. Other have done similar so you are not alone. We have seen families where one person carries the load of several. You can't change them, but you can change you.

The needs of your mother and sister will only increase and meanwhile you are getting older and more worn out. Do you have a plan B for when this becomes too much for you? Can you meet with your family and discuss alternatives for care? I couldn't but some can.

If you say "No" no one can take advantage of you. Can you set boundaries of what you will and will not do?

You have my sympathies. It's a tough situation.

teng - try to remember it's not your dad's fault that he is getting older and sicker. However, he seems to be a selfish, self centered person and that is obviously very difficult to live with.

I'm glad you had a holiday with your wife. Hope you can get away again and hope the venting helped.

Much love and Hugs to you all.
Ali, I don't know why but I personally connect with your journey.
I am so glad you had the privilege of connecting to your mother.
I have always considered my mother's history I have gathered that she was spoiled raised by her grandmother. My father spoiled her. Same with my sister.
I wish I had computer to type my thoughts.
So I am actually realizing I have nothing to look forward to and my crazy need to be needed and needing someone I can be important to. I never got respect or consideration but just knowing how my qualities were counted on was enough for me. So now I have no one really. I have nothing really to look forward to not even the upcoming visit with my son for holiday and his promotion.
I have always felt like an outcast fro A child.
Anyways I am lost and lonely. Needy to mean something to someone more than whatever the benefits. The way I cherish and love so many who have impacted my life some in this forum many deceased and a few special angels.
So that self esteem issue which truly insulted me way back in earlier post which I later understood and embraced. It's like I need to be doing something for someone. Making someone happy it gives me something a bit of happiness. I bought a special sandwich a roti from a well known place and my imefiate thought was to get one for someone. Not being a fool but someone to share a goodness with. I hadn't been there