The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I hadn't been to this restaurant in quite a while sometimes the quality of food was poor and I stopped chasing the goodafter awhile. So last week I was trying to figure out what to eat. I dint feel like cooking and I was tired of my food. Going through a trial and cautious about my stomach issues. So I bought two things one from a new popular redturant I went to regularly when I had funds and I wanted a roti but I wasn't up to walking to this same one and settled for one closer that I used to go yo often but stopped because of the price and small portions. So years ago when I worked in the group homes in queens I found a fabulous roti place Indian awesome cuisine. So I go to this place and questioned about roti and learned they ordered the roti from same that same place. I was amazed so long story short the cure beef and potato filling was just what I expected but the roti the bread wrap was hard and tujf and it's also what makes a roti good its like a buttery bread wrap. Yeas ago I would make the curry chicken or beef and potatoes and buy the wrap from Ali where I went today after over a year. I saw it was crowed so still good and I wanted to share.
Any ways I am happy for you Ali. I wish I could have that with my mother. She didn't teach certain basics it was all about pleasing her and avoiding her crazy.
So yesterday I see my self rubbing her hands the sa.e way I did when I noticed a wound on her thumb from arts and crafts. I naturally started rubbing it soothing it we were on a bus. It was a natural Action to me but when she kind of moved her hand away I became conscious of how it appeared to people who were watching. It's my nature. Years down the road I became aware of a gift I was Bless with. Realizing how I am moved to this gift and how certain things are necessary for me. And it's an I intimate connection which has to be a natural respectful flow. Anyways I know that is me who I am.
Ms fix it. Ms I'm alright. Ms. Solve the world.
Who am I underneath all of that. Why can't I attend to my own issues and needs. Why do I have such anxiety when I need to do something and it's no problem to do for others. Or the anger and hurt like my family situation being uses and manipulated and hated and outcasted violated on so many levels so many times. Going through traumatic issues using making them happy and okay as a way to fix my internal chaos.
Its so crazy for me. I miss that unconditional love acceptance support and guidance.
Its highly insulting to learn or finally see how I have been used and hated at the same time for certain redeeming situations of grace. Or seeing noticing certain subtle responses to demise or later obvious perspectives of me being corrected being a quiet insult to someone. Oh I don't know how to say what's in my heart make sense.
I just know that I can't fix everything actually anything. I have to learn to leave things in God's Hands. I can't forget so many wrong things as well as the beautiful things in my life. And one being this forum and the collective essence of beauty love and God in so many of you that has blessed me in so many profound ways.
Ray of love healing and gratefulness to us all.

I lost a post when "Windows didn't load right" came from nowhere. 😲 I hate when my laptop scares me by going black/blank. As long as it recovers...

What you said resonated with me, Duck. My mom was raised to be the carer for my GM's harsh feelings. They still have that relationship, and it's sad for me to witness it and hear about it. (Everyone tiptoes around GM's feelings and caters to her narcissism, including me, which only deepens as she ages and is in her 90s now. It's just easier that way for the short stints where I'm around her.)

It's good for me to find more compassion for my mother and understand the cycle more. This helps *me*. It also helped immensely to have, even for a moment, acknowledgment from my mother for the abusive situations in childhood and caregiving. That meant a lot to me. And if I can change my approach to my mother and be kinder and less frustrated, I think our relationship *will* change. I can be more of a friend to my mom instead of her hurt daughter. Of course, it won't be perfect because life-long roles/patterns don't disappear quickly. But I'm ready to move on emotionally.

You are worthy, Duck, of so much, including being happy and content in yourself and in your life. I hope you find more of that for yourself. We can't change anyone else. It helps to accept them (as messed up and continuously hurtful as they may be) and the profoundly flawed situations we've been raised in. Therapeutic exercises help, like practicing self-love and self-acceptance. I have to remember to forgive *myself* for reacting poorly and not being more mature about it all. (((((Hugs))))), Duck.

Sharyn, I hope you and your hubs can find the right therapies to help him. I've been reading but didn't have any practical tips for the situation. I hope he's alright and it was a temporary crisis.

Mel, it sure sounds like you'll have to step back from any caregiving duties because you're drowning trying to accommodate everyone's needs while working full time. If you don't function well, you can't be there for your family and young child. It's ok to step back and be unavailable for now. I hope you can take a break and figure out what's reasonable to take on going forward.

TG, I read your posts here and know you're not seeking practical input. Vent away when you need to. This thread is good for that. Practice meditation, maybe? -- To find a calm center for yourself and not get too frayed and frazzled. Self-care is important.

Thank you, Golden. I hope my mom and I can move forward from here, and however imperfect a new path may be, I hope it can be better than the past. That's how I feel.

I like how you put it, Polar. It's a shift towards two adults relating to each other in the present, not a mother-daughter caught in a dysfunctional cycle. I agree.
 
Gershun, do you ever think about talking to your mom now? I still talk to my grandmother (my deceased paternal GM) sometimes. Does that sound nuts? lol It's hard to explain. If you want more closure with your mom (I've needed that with my GM) or want her close in your heart for a minute, maybe you can try this. ((((hugs))))

Thank you all for being happy I could have this moment with my mom. Getting a heartfelt apology is a luxury in these situations. There's a reason they continue and perpetuate. I've been sitting with my feelings for a week, and I feel different. There's more compassion in my heart. I don't need to prosecute my mom for past crimes, and I don't have the spare energy for that, anyway. My goal is to contribute as little as I can to the family trash pile, and I've learned enough about maintaining boundaries to protect myself from the worst of things. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, right? Find acceptance for what we can and walk forward.

Thank you to al, who expressed support and concern. We had a follow up with hubs go today. It has been narrowed down to a blood sugar issue. If it’s too high or too low it can cause the symptoms I and fsmiky members have seen. He stopped monitoring his daily sugars two years ago. Relying only on meds and A1C tests. His daily sugar tests aversge over 200. Because he takes glipizide as well as an insulin, it creates an issue if you are not mondaiky sugars. You can easily experience very low sugars or high sugars. Both of these can cause the symptoms we as a family have seen the dr is removing glipizide from his med use and increasing trulicity from .75 to 1.5 once a week. In addition since he won’t use a daily sugar meter, she is prescribing a patch he will wear for two weeks and the new meter can scan the patch to record sugars at the moment and when he comes to the dr al, he has to do is is give them the meter and they can see what going on daily. In addition his blood pressure has to come down. Average is 154/85. Lower salt diet, no packaged snack foods. Canned foods low sodium or no sodium. It will be a struggle but we will do what I can without argument. He still has to follow through with neurologist. He is already taking 4 different meds to control his blood pressure. They prefer he control wil diet rather than adding another med

Sharyn, so glad there was no mini stroke and that his doc is adjusting his meds. Thanks for updating us.

Ali, my DH has told me to do that. Still talk to my mom that is. Sometimes I come back from a day out and my first thought is I should call my mom. That was our thing. I'd always share my day with her. Especially when she became more housebound. She used to say I was her lifeline. For some reason I'm not comfortable with the idea of talking to her now. She didn't hold much stock in people contacting the dead even in that small way so I guess I still hear her voice inside my head saying that.

I talked yesterday to my younger sister, who I haven’t contacted for the last 18 months after she hit me hard on the head. She was objecting to me touching her hair, and always viewing her as the younger sister. ???

So my older sister phoned to say that YS was in hospital with COPD (a long term smoker), so I broke the silence and phoned her in the hospital. Absolutely nothing wrong from her point of view, no mention of past problems! Lots about her own family problems. I don’t think that she would tell outright factual lies, but I have no confidence in her take on ‘everyone else is wrong, I’m always right’.

What do you do? What do I do with my younger daughter, whose absence gives me so much more grief? Pretend the problems didn’t happen?

Margaret, I just probably would have smacked you too. I would hate it if anyone patted my head!

Sharyn, wonderful!

Margaret,

Were you trying to help your younger sister when she hit you?
She should not have hit you.
You can't talk about your grief with your sisters. Some people have no empathy for other people's pain or problems. Don't pretend the problems didn't happen. They did and you don't have to just forget about them because your sisters think everything is fine.

duck - thank you for sharing from your heart. It is a very tender one and needs to be guarded. I know you are working through a lot of grief these days. Here's a big cyber ((((((((hug))))))) and love 💖

Sharyn - so glad the problem is identified. No stent I gather. Hope hubs does a better job of his diet and his blood sugar.

Gershun - I don't talk to my passed LOs either though memories of them surface off and on.

Glad - how are you with hairdressers?

Margaret - your YS sounds like my sis. No matter the problems between you "Everything is fine" - till it happens again. Nothing ever gets resolved. I would doubt her view of her family too. I don't think pretending problems don't exist is healthy. I have a son who from childhood has been "different" as regards relationships in general. I have very little contact with him though we live in the same city. I have had to grieve that and accept it is what it is and I cannot change it., though I don't like it one bit!

Fall is here though still no overnight frosts. That's a first in over 40 years. Nonetheless the trees are just beginning to turn. It rained all yesterday which is good for the vegetation.

I think finally my thyroid levels are close to normal, My memory which is usually very good hasn't been as good, not that anyone else would notice, I think, but I have noticed. It's coming back which is a relief. At my age it could be due to other more problematic things.

Take care, everyone!

Golden, thank you. I wish it were that simple. I’m at a loss. Today he got up btw 8-8:30. I had to go to the bank and get some groceries. I went to Walmart for groceries and stopped at dollar tree in my city. I was gone about 1-1/2 hours. He was asleep on the couch. It’s now 1:45 pm and he’s still asleep. No tv on which is the weirdest thing because the tv comes on as soon as he is up.

I can’t police his diabetes without it becoming an argument between us. I am going to set up DPOA but my daughter will be mine. I can’t do it until after the first of the year. It’s all so weird since it has been sudden.

(((((sharyn))))) I hear you and understand. Arguing won't accomplish anything good. If this continues can you at some point voice your concerns about the changes in him and ask if you can help? Maybe you already have which is what got him to the dr's appointment. I am surprised after finding of blockage that they are not continuing with the stent or surgery. You are wise to have your dd as DPOA. This must be very difficult for you.

GladI’mHere, I’m glad you’re there too. No closer, thanks! I found later that my younger sister had just arrived from the 4 hour car journey (to see older sister) in which YS complained about me repeatedly to the three other people in the car. When she saw me, she came very close and within a couple of minutes gave me a really hard swinging hit. Our mother was not ‘a kisser’, and YS’s DH isn’t either. I had to adjust to my own first husband’s family of cheek kissers, or give a lot of offense. I see YS about once in a couple of years, and I just forget. She may not be on air kissing terms with anyone. But she must have set it up deliberately.

Our OS had just given us both a generous gift when settling up her own husband’s estate. OS and I have both helped YS financially when appropriate over about 30 years. She clearly resents it (will tell people occasionally), rather than being grateful. I used not to believe that ‘no good deed goes unpunished’. YS may well have been extra angry with OS, but not had the guts to take it out on her rather than me. I miss losing my family, but it's hard to know what to do.

Golden, LOL! Just so that hairdresser does not try to tease my hair, or coat it with oil or spray it with hairspray, I do ok.

This is all a result of my mom subjecting me to punishment of whacking my head with a hard nylon brush while I was standing on the bathroom counter, after a bath, at about four years old. All because my hair was so tangled, she had a hard time getting through the tangles, all while I am crying. (my eyes are protruding from my skull just thinking about it!) Probably my most vivid early childhood memory. Sad, isn't it? That tow head Norwegian, thin hair is impossible for some moms to deal with. When Hair So New conditioner came out, or mom discovered it, I was in heaven! Probably about 8?

I can still see that brush. It was a clear handle, with clear bristles, and kind of a twist to the the bristle portion of the brush. I wonder if she got it from Fuller Brush as mom used to buy alot of their products.

And she hated my fine, straight, hair so much that she would take me to the beauty college for a perm when I was in elementary school. When I started junior high, she thought she would help to improve my appearance took me for another perm that was so bad, and I cried so much, she took me back the next day to have as much of it cut out as possible.

My childhood hair, really, causes me nightmares! The stuff dysfunction is made of!

Golden, you just had to ask?

Truth about narcissists and those manipulated by them.

Why are those charmed by narcissists not able to see reality or the faults of the narcissist?


Narcissistic people take advantage of what people hunger for and appear to provide it while at the same time using them for what they hunger for. It's a vicious cycle of one feeding off of the other, but only the narcissistic will win in the end.


People with a solid sense of personal identity and healthy boundaries see right through these narcissistic charmers. They are not impressed, nor are they afraid. Actually, it is the narcissist who fears such people.

Glad, I decided today I need to detach again. The dr told me if we don’t hear from a neurologist this week to call and let her know. It all up to him. I told him about Johnny Cash and how he died. Not controlling hid diabetes eating as he pleased. and died from kidney failure I have to focus on my health. I’m not going to be like his mother who did for his dad ignoring her ow heart issues and pleading his dad. I guess I. Not the kind of woman who should,d have gotten married.

you can fix stupid or ignorance and I can only do so much but I want a life too.

Sharyn, wives are not meant to be nags, or the ONLY keepers of their husbands' health.

We are each of us responsible for our own health, yes?

I rescued my brother from living alone. He was not eating and only drinking beer. His health was failing so I took him in. I also take care of my husband who has diabetes and other health problems. I'm finding it to much for me to handle. What are my options?

Barb you are very right!

HI everyone I hope you are all in a good place.
I was overwhelmed last week to post my thoughts of not having anything to look forward to.
No one top lease or make happy or to share.
Anyways I am feeling a tad better. Spiritually I feel much stronger.
Ali as usual your posts touch my heart to tears. Your clarity is awesome.
Golden you were my first connection to my breakthrough and your post are so full of wisdom.
Sharyn I am thinking that maybe if the doctor stresses that you are to check his sugar as a demand, your husband might be able to let you do his finger sticks daily.
Glad that was sad and funny about the hair.
The sister thing for Me is painful how do you forget. There are things I don't remember.
I found a letter I wrote to my sister and mother
In the letter I demanded in the name if Jesus that my mother and sister will never subject my son his wife or his children to the schemes and manipulation they used to hurt and controll me.
Now how they were going to get this note I don't know lol. I found it looking for something else.

About the mother thing. I have tried to explain my childhood and isdues

FEELING left out cast out. Why was I nearsighted andvhad to wear glasses and onbsaw clearly after i got glasses in first grade. Because i always had to go to black board to copy stuff. why did I have knobby knees and so on. I also feel like my son does not understand because he has never seen it.

Barb good to see you. You are another early teacher for me. One of the most effective light bulb moments was reading and learning about narcissism.

So happy Fall. To everyone. This is my favorite season. Rays of love and healing to us all. Thanks for that mega hug

Sad. I was all packed and had my ride to travel to the airport to go to my home in Florida. Ninety minutes before the flight I called my boyfriend and said I didn't think I should head home to Florida due to the hurricane.

I'm back to caregiving for the next week.

I pray all are safe from harm during this hurricane season.

Branded that last minute change in mind may have been for the best.

So I have been expressing loneliness. I think I have always been lonely.
I called Gass company about disconnect concerns and was totally relieved to learn it's going to be okay.
It was like the day actually my life got so much brighter.

I called prayer line as I was feeling out of sorts. Hip pain is not constant and I am feeling better about myself.

My aunt's dog has cancer. Bleeding rectally. I want to tell her it may be best to put him ro sleep. It's her baby and I am still learning to keep my mouth shut and shet lol.
I remember call aspca for my Prince. I know I couldn't bare to find him dead. I still dream about him.
So much love for you all peace love and safety to usvall.us all.

Margaret - I can relate to "what do I do, pretend the problems didn't happen." That head-in-the-sand approach by some family members has always made me nuts, especially when there's an obvious event or rift.

I've so appreciated getting regular bday cards and occasional texts from my mother, even though I've been distant from her. Just knowing that she thinks of me has been a sweetness in our relationship. I've always appreciated her small gestures and her showing me she was thinking of me in any small way. Just show you care. The rest is up to YD, I guess... ((((hugs))))

Your YS sounds like she has a personality problem, if not a personality disorder. If she gripes about you behind your back to anyone who will listen and then swings at you -- she is not a decent or a well-adjusted person. I hope you can find some peace with things.

Sharyn, I can hear your frustration and concern. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hang in there. ((((hugs))))

*I have some feelings around the recent AC thread on incest/abuse, and that's why I came to post here, but then I realized after some type-deletes that I'm not sure what even to say... Whew. I don't suppose we'll ever know the sincerity of one-time or short-term (all? lol) posters on AC, but I think we should all strive to give them the benefit of gullible compassion, and only because "you never know." I can relate to some of the details in that post. And that sucks.

yes! ""what do I do, pretend the problems didn't happen." That head-in-the-sand approach by some family members has always made me nuts, especially when there's an obvious event or rift."

I call that living in the river of denial as in De Nile River.

I believe that I can say with confidence that this group is likely one of the most supportive groups here. In other places, I have seen people open up about dysfunctions in other places about their families and seen them be pounced upon.

My standing challenge to any holier than than thou person is the following test. Where you live, find the place that is what I call "the earthly gates of hell." If you will go and if you can show God's love to those in such conditions, then I'll agree that you are a very holy person. If not, you are not a holy person, but a legalist lacking both love and joy. BTW, not all of these types of places are found in the big city or in other countries.

AliBoBali

Yes, her story was tragic, horrific and pain-filled which only made her pain and shame worse. I feel where she is.

She needs a lot of love and validation with sincerity. I was nudged in her direction by a friend. I sent the person a private message about the location of a private support group that she can join and post anonymously to people on the same journey that she is on. She will not experience judgmental comments interrogating questions or second guessing.

I'm glad others of you came to that thread.

On a side note, I decided for my own health, not to have anyone cut my hair. Now, I like it long and so does my wife. I guess this is delayed adolescence at 65. ha, ha, ha

Good night!

Take care of yourself, everyone. Do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

Great news! One of the moderators from the private online support group that I mentioned privately to the woman is also on here. I gave her the link to that thread and hope they will go there. I've done all that I can do.

Kindly, private message me if you want to know where that group is.

I’m not quite sure how much I feel comfortable sharing here yet…. I hope you don’t mind if I just get my feet wet by reading some posts. Am I correct that my name or identifying info will be displayed here?
thanks!

Joan, you are anonymous.

Welcome!