notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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It's warmer than normal where we live. We lit the gas heater in the room where my mom has been stuck in a couple of weeks ago and in the past several days with this mild weather, she'd rather turn on the AC unit than turn the heater down a notch. When it comes to putting out heat, she has the heater exactly where she wants it and until the time comes to turn the gas heaters off in the spring, doesn't want it adjusted AT ALL. The room being in the mid 80s and high barometric pressure makes her weak and a couple of nights ago, didn't have the energy to use the bathroom. That heater is a blessing when it's 35 outside. It's a nightmare when it's 75 outside.
This is why I pray not only for her strength and energy to return, but for her to wake up and realize she can't live like this anymore and needs to start physical therapy, Covid or not.
There are moments where I want to ask her if she even wants to get better and if she really is sorry for being sick.
She's a bit of a control freak and wants everything to go and be done her way. Our gas bill is usually high from this time of the year until April. And yet, she doesn't mind paying up for the bills even though she'll accuse them of being greedy.
If it was the other way around and I was stuck in there, she'd turn it down without even considering my wishes.
She's guilty of dysfunction. And if the only way out is through her dying, I'm likely to be waiting 25-30 years. And that's assuming nothing unexpected happens to her.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT!
Everyone who is caring for an elderly parent, relative, or paid client can WALK AWAY. You can't walk away from your children (though some deadbeats do), but you can walk away from this kind of caregiving.
You may very well ruffle some feathers. There will be people who will be angry and will blame you for everything. You will likely have to make some changes to your life and your lifestyle. Potential inheritances when the elderly person dies are no longer a possibility. Assets have to go for their care be it in a nursing home, memory care, AL, wherever.
You will lose their income if they live with you and you may have to learn to live with less. You may even have to relocate if you live in their house.
No amount of money, property, praise, or guilt is worth what you're giving up now which is your life.
@blickbob
If you're willing to accept the sentence of 25 to life in your mother's prison of abusive neediness, then go ahead. It's your life.
Remember something though. No one has ever been able to get back one second of time. BTW, please tell your mother that scraping sh*t off her backside and changing her underwear for her is a VERY big deal indeed.
@wandagd1
Don't stay up all night dealing with your mother. Let her cry, She'll tire herself out and go to sleep.
People with dementia are often like babies. Sometimes you have to let a baby cry and squawk a bit. Then they get to sleep. If the parents go running in every second, the baby will never go to bed alone.
You tell your mother where she is. You leave a small light on in her room or even a tv. You have her doctor prescribe some anti-anxiety or sleeping medication for her. What you don't do is sit in her room all night. It will be hard to do and may even seem a little bit harsh, but you have to do it.
“No amount of money, property, praise, or guilt is worth what you're giving up now which is your life.”
“you have sacrificed your life for your mother's. It makes me very sad for you.”
Although many posters have urged you to make changes, I don't believe you can or will.
What's sadder to me is that when your mother is gone, you will likely be in worse state: lost, empty, lonely, depresssd, old and sick beyond your age. Will you at least be financially secured? I hope you will have the support you need then. Just remember, you can always count on the good people in this forum for support.
BBob - your profile says your mother has cancer. Is that her only illness? Is she recovering from the cancer? Are you really willing and able to keep caring for her another 25-30 years? That's a really long time caring for someone especially who is sick and dysfunctional as well. I wonder what kind of life you have. Your mother seems to be declining and not interested in PT. I have to agree that what you do for her is a big deal. I hope you have some interests outside of caregiving.
venting - it's very easy for some of us to get "swallowed" by caregiving. We may have to struggle to get out of it, but we can. Take a step today to distance yourself, and detach from that role, to build your own separate life. Don't let your LO's occupy all the space in your head.
When the one(s) you care for are gone, what will be left for you? I'm not talking about money a house or other material things, but a social life, meaning and purpose, physical and mental health, - quality of life.
“venting - it's very easy for some of us to get "swallowed" by caregiving.”
“Don't let your LO's occupy all the space in your head.”
In fact, I was just thinking today how my whole life revolves around her! I never intended to do that. But she abuses me (I can’t avoid her all the time). And as a consequence, her words and meanness get stuck in my head. It affects my whole day (that’s her goal).
I was thinking: she’s taking up way too much head space. I think all day about her abusive words.
Like you said, I’ll step away. And I’ll try NOT to think about her, the whole day.
I’ve been thinking about her for weeks, every single day: her abuse swims around in my head.
I don’t know how others manage not to be affected by abuse, or if that’s even possible.
I had a family member years ago who was said to be wealthy. She was also mentally ill.
Various family members revolved their lives around her, so as to inherit.
When she died, it turned out she had nothing.
It was a powerful lesson. My dad, who was marginally involved, pointed out the lesson.
Make your own way. Never depend on an inheritance and especially not the promise of one.
she’s so abusive against me.
I’ve set up caregivers (more hours than before). And I must step away - save my life. I hope I return to the forum with good news soon.
Yes, it is possible to insulate yourself from the abuse by standing up for yourself and even giving some of it back. When your mother is behaving abusively and trying to instigate with you tell her the following:
'Shut the ---- up. Nobody cares what you think least of all me. If a fight is what you want you're going to be disappointed because I'm not giving you one. Either knock off the ornery abusive bullcrap or I will totally abandon you and will not lift a finger to help you'.
Then be true to your word and ignore her. There was a poster on the forum (I can't remember his name) but his mother was called Katherine. He said that when she was in the mood to pick a fight and be abusive he would say that's her other personality 'Kathy'.
So when 'Kathy' would show up, he'd tell her to shut the ____ up. He'd mimick her and insult her too because nobody wants to hear from 'Kathy'. What he didn't do was give her a fight or let her think that her abuse hurt him in any way.
My go-to with an abusive senior has always been going Grey Rock, or completely ignore them. I've had clients who were very nasty and abusive. I'd just act like they weren't even there. I'd go about the other work I needed to get done and not even look at them. This works very well.
Abusive language and behavior equals zero attention from me.
Also, there's nothing wrong with walking away and refusing to care for your mother anymore. She is abusive and nasty. You don't deserve that.
I'm not, but it really feels like I am.
I have no desire to help her for another 25-30 years, but she's too blind to realize I can't help her forever and I have to eventually move on.
Idk what I want to do honestly. All I want to do is simply not take care of my mom anymore. I'd like to have a job, my own place, and start a family.
Would you like suggestions, or are you just venting?
For myself I had to physically and emotionally distance myself from my mother and my sister (both abusive) to accomplish some peace of mind and carry on a separate life of my own.. I studied, I had a job, a marriage and a family. I did some community work. I had a life apart from from my family of origin.
burnt - I am glad that worked for you but not everyone is comfortable speaking like that. If I had spoken like that to my mother she would have been extremely upset and ranted and raved at me and gone on an emotional and social rampage. I don't think it is a solution for everyone. I tried everything with mother and none of it stopped her nor helped me in any way so I had to distance myself. Grey rock helps but I found that the abuse still stung and triggered trauma from the past.
bbob - still recovering after 4 years seems a little unusual. It sounds to me that your mother is almost bedbound and needs 24/7 care. A facility would accomplish that without this horrendous cost to your life and independence. She will never realize that you can't help her forever as long as you are there. Don't wait for her to get better, or to "see" that you can't do this forever. Honestly if you want a different life, only you can take those steps towards it. What kind of job are you interested in? We all need money to survive independently. Do you have qualifications that make you employable? Goals of a job, a home and a family are great. They wll only happen if you start taking steps to find other care for your mum and other work for yourself. I really encourage you to work towards those goals. And let us know how you are tackling them.
Winter is here is full force. ❄❄❄ Neither Rocky my cat nor I like it nor want to go out in it much. Sigh!
“they want to become the center of your universe and it looks like your mum has succeeded at that far too well.”
Yes! I only realized it very recently that I spend the whole day thinking about her. And night.
“I remember one of the times I was trying to get thoughts of someone out of my head and I decided to think about the colour of nail polish I was next going to use - anything but thinking of this other person.”
Yes! I’m using the same technique. I’m thinking about work.
Abusers want us to be unhappy. Unfortunately, we start doing that - it’s like we don’t allow ourselves to be happy.
Probably we realize that if we’re happy around the abuser, they’ll destroy that. And then we start being unhappy even when away from the abuser. I think we really start not allowing ourselves to be happy. One gets sucked into worry, caregiving - if in addition to that there’s abuse, then you’re even more sucked in.
“I looked after mother from a distance and only visited her a few times a year and even that was hard.”
I also don’t live with her. But I’m here right now. I’m leaving in a few days.
“However, doing the right thing also means doing the right thing for you, not just for her. Your life and welfare is as important as hers is.”
Yes!
Thank you, Golden!
“For myself I had to physically and emotionally distance myself from my mother and my sister (both abusive) to accomplish some peace of mind and carry on a separate life of my own.”
Sorry to hear you went through that! Great you achieved physical and emotional distance.
I MUST distance myself emotionally too. I care of course. But it really has to stop that she’s “the center”. With her abuse, she becomes the “center of my universe” - because her abusive words continue swimming in my head.
I’ll intentionally distance myself emotionally.
Thanks Golden!
“I tried everything with mother and none of it stopped her nor helped me in any way so I had to distance myself.”
Same here, and I’ll do the same as you.
my best childhood memory . I was 4 years old and we moved into anew house. A boy my age across the street would March over to our front yard and punch me in the nose. His mother felt my my mother should just keep me inside. My mother was not going to do that. The last time this boy punched me and bloody my nose, both my brothers came came out and cornered him. They did not touch him, but had a chat telli v him if he continued to hit me, he would have to deal them them. He became a good friend after that…more importantly, my brothers became my heroes.
My suggestion to anyone is do not allow yourself to become trapped in a dysfunctional, blame inducing and shaming environment. These people will entrap you. You will lose time, a chance to have a working relationship and this person can live and addition ten or twenty years. Do not leave your job and lose medical, retirement and any other benefits your job provides for you. If the shoe was on the other foot, they would not do it for you.
step by step, find your way to freedom from abuse. no one deserves to be abused. no one deserves to be abused for the rest of their life.
“Thanksgiving.
Bringing out the best in family dysfunction.
~Since 1863”
Im not caught up but I noticed an informative post about medicare..
Much love in my heart for you all. HUGGS