notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Why don't give yourself a Christmas gift and spend the holiday with people who actually care about you and want to be with you for the holidays. Your mother is not among this group.
Get her NOTHING as a gift. The fact that you are enslaved to her abusive neediness year round and she treats you with less respect than a pile of cigarette butts that's dumped from a car ashtray into a parking lot (I am a former smoker and have cigarettes on my mind this morning, and no I never dumped the car ashtray out in a parking lot though many smokers do), I'm going to say that's gift enough already from you to her.
I have not accepted a gift from my mother in many years. Any time she ever gave me a gift, I never heard the end of it from the time I was a child. Also, I refuse to be guilt-tripped and will not be beholden to her for any reason that she can draw upon in the future.
When I married my first husband, his family gave us a lovely wedding party. It was outdoors at their house (we lived in the apartment upstairs) and they paid for the whole thing. My mother complained and insulted it non-stop because no one even asked her for her input. Of course we all had good reason for that. Mom gave us $200 and a card. For the next year any time I didn't drop whatever I was doing and go running when summoned to, or if I shut her down when the verbal abuse would start, she'd bring up the $200 and every other gift she ever gave me. My husband got fed up with this and gave her back the $200 wedding gift. He put it in the original card she gave to us. I do not accept gifts from her, nor will I get her a gift. You should do the same.
It seems to me that your mother pulls the same crap mine does if she gives you something. So don't accept any gift from her and don't give her any. It's not worth it.
I am sorry you re still in the same rut. As mentioned below you are in a substitute spouse relationship with your mother. And some of that is due your choices.
In a previous post you said you wanted your own life. What I see is that what you really want is to keep the status quo and share your unhappiness about it. Or you would have done something to get out of it.
Believe me, you are only a victim of your own choices not of your mother's choices.
I am not saying it's easy or comfortable to break away from this toxic arrangement, but it is possible.
Give yourself a gift and spend some time asking yourself the question - Why am I still here?
Hint - It's not because of your mother's condition.
Ya know, I gotta add this:
My daughter is the one with cancer, or, who hopefully had cancer and is successfully treated. She is completely worn out from the treatments. We were talking about Christmas and she said she didn't know what she was going to be able to do about it. I said, "Well, for one thing you don't have to get me anything." That's how loving relationships go. They have concern for the welfare of the other person.
No healthy mother enslaves her child to anything - gifts, servitude whatever. And healthy adult children protect themselves from being enslaved.
Get some help to get healthy!
I have been known to wrap a picture of a gift that doesn't arrive on time. But, then she would have all that time to complain about her gift if she doesn't like it.
“Proud member of the Dysfunctional Family Club”
just kidding…
i wish none of us were part of that club.
here’s a BIG healing HUG to everyone.
🥰 some narcs intentionally try to ruin special days, like xmas; picking fights/conflicts here and there, before, during and after. those negative comments end up swirling in your head, hours/days after, also while you try to fall asleep, your mind (justifiably) seething with anger at whatever outrageous thing they just said.
that’s what they want.
they want you to feel the opposite of peace.
i hope whoever is surrounded by a “senior brat” can clear their mind. don’t accept the garbage energy they try to throw at you.
i wish you peace.
a xmas full of peace & love.
🎄🎄🎄❄️❄️❄️
🥰🥰🥰
🎅🏻🎅🏻🎅🏻
and if no one is there to give you peace & love (in fact, they’re throwing at you quite the opposite), then give it to yourself. find a quiet moment on 24/25 december all for yourself, giving yourself something/anything (whatever that might be) that will make YOU smile.
🎄🎄🎄❄️❄️❄️
🤓🤓🤓
🎅🏻🎅🏻🎅🏻
hug!
i love that sentence you wrote:
"That's how loving relationships go. They have concern for the welfare of the other person."
🥰 exactly.
-----------
how many times has your "senior brat" asked, "and how are YOU? how are YOU doing?"
This is good! It's good to find such a significant problem, and now there will be more testing with endocrinology.
I have a history of low sodium, but I eat plenty of canned soups and other things that should keep it high enough.
Thanks again. It's meant a lot. 🙏😘💙💐
Keep those appointments, and keep us updated. Mwah!
Your situation made me think about something I heard a looooong time ago.
I finally get my $hit together and my a$$ falls apart . Welcome to aging!
Have I found a therapist? No
Why do I buy my mom a Christmas gift? I do it out of desire and I don't want her to be empty handed at Christmas. I wish she was like me and was flexible about her gift arriving late. I've gotten belated Christmas gifts before and I never once complained. She needs to be taught "it's the thought that counts" and "better late than never." It's not like I got her a gift card from McDonalds or some worthless item.
@sp19690
The relationship does feel that way. You can argue I'm a victim of emotional incest. She basically views me in a husband-like light. She got divorced when I was in high school and my dad died several months ago, thus why I haven't been on here too much. I've also lost some other relatives and a couple of friends in the past several months.
After New Years, I'm hoping she can have her long overdue intervention and I hope she can be convinced to at least start at-home physical therapy and get over her paranoia over Covid and the flu. She doesn't get leave the house for fear of catching Covid or the flu and landing in the hospital. I've had moments where I wanted to have it sooner, but either something was going on or some occasion was upcoming and I didn't want to step on eggshells. I wanted to have the intervention back in October, but a couple of people she knew died and she was saddened by their deaths.
@BurntCaregiver
If I could find someone to watch her and if she wasn't a paranoid baby, I'd do it. She doesn't want to get out of the house for fear of finding herself "in the hospital...or worse." There are people I want to be with, but I'm not in Mayberry and Andy isn't here to let me out of jail for Christmas.
@golden23
If I knew what to do and if I wasn't stuck between a rock and a hard place, I would've at least tried something a long time ago. Yes, some of it is my choices, but she does bare a portion of the responsibility. Some of it IS because of her condition and still recovering from chemo. Some of it is her being too lazy to be more active. She's been up and around the house once a week for the past 2 months. Her laziness and physical limitations are why I'm still in this hole and I just hope it isn't too late for her to be able to walk again.
She had her shower earlier today and I had to help her get undressed, turn the water on, and somewhat help turn the water off, dry her off, and get her dressed. And she said afterwards that it was a good shower in her eyes.
You are correct, however, that parents don't enslave their kids and I'll do what I can to avoid future caregiving when this ends, assuming it ends with her becoming mobile after over 4 years or her going to the nursing home.
@gladimhere
I'm a victim of uncontrollable circumstances and being forced into codependence and caregiving much sooner than expected. I didn't give her cancer and cause her to become immobile. I didn't tell her to be afraid of everything. She sometimes tells people I'm the reason she isn't in the nursing home, but if not for Covid and money, I'd be the reason she was in the nursing home.
Plus, until the spring, she would tell me to take my mask and disposable gloves when I was going places. She was against those who opposed mask mandates and doing things virtually. And yet, she won't do those very things herself the few times we get company.
Why do you think she is going to recover any more from cancer that she had treatment for 6 years ago?
Has she been flexible or kindhearted in the past?
Why do you think she doesn't have dementia or mental illness?
So, she says she doesn't want to catch COVID?
So what? Why does that have any bearing on your behavior?
You get a job. You leave. You let her make phone calls and arrange for help that she pays for.
“People who come from dysfunctional families aren’t destined for a dysfunctional life.”
“The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well.”
I am well. Yes I hurt a lot but I now have Medicare so I’m looking into pt next month.
we had a very quiet Christmas which was nice. We went out to dinner with our daughters family. The boys were very excited about the restaurant being a steakhouse and hibachi with the chef cooking right at the table. L was very frightened when flames shot up from the grill but he recovered quickly so when it happened the second time, he liked it.
I hope everyone is well and had a quiet Christmas as well. Take care everyone.
My dH and I cook together.
He started to put things away before I was done using them.
The last few weeks, his OCD has been bothersome.
Today, he put the eggs back before we cooked any eggs. Go figure.
Together, we are getting really good at preparing a great breakfast, but usually not before noon, and not without some real frustrations.
My heart is full of gratitude for joy to be married to my dearest friend and lovely wife. We should always and in always be together, an expression of true love.
“A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.“
Faithfully, your E.
I am overwhelmed at the rapid changes in my dear husband.
Makes choices sooooooo much easier.
My mother complained to me about how difficult it is to care for my dad. He's terminal and not taking his medications. She sees him every week or so, brings him food, and checks on him. She told me that she wants to become POA/MPOA. At first, my stress increased because neither of them are planning ANYTHING. His POA should have been in place long ago, but my bro shot the idea down and talked my dad out of it in a conversation between the two of them -- this was when I was hands-on caregiving and trying to get my dad's legal needs in place. My bro took my dad aside and said something that made my dad think he didn't want to give POA.
When I realized I was getting stressed about the same old lousy situation, I resigned anew to *whatever* they all want to do as long as it doesn't involve me. I'm trying to be supportive while keeping a healthy distance from my dad's needs. Is this growth on my part? lol I had a conversation with bro and mom about it and left it in their hands—all the credit to the fine folks on AC for this.
I'm proud of myself for that. Not proud of myself for some other things. I had some emotions this trip, facing down my shortcomings and contributions to dysfunction in the past.
My sleep remains much better than it was in the past five months. No more panic fits or extreme hot flashes like I was having. I'm looking forward to seeing some specialists and hoping there are some health things I can tweak for long-term improvement. Onward and upward!
You write "Her laziness and physical limitations are why I'm still in this hole and I just hope it isn't too late for her to be able to walk again." No. Again. your choice to stay is why you are still there. Your life does not have to depend on her health. You wrote also you didn't know what to do. I would think seeing a professional person to help you make healthier decisions should be a priority for you. Your life does not have to be defined by your mother. You are not helping her, you are enabling her to be helpless and being extraordinarily dependent on her.
sharyn - sorry you are in pain but glad you are looking forward to some PT sessions. Sounds like your grandsons had a very exciting time! I had a quiet Christmas too.
send - I wish I only had misplaced eggs to concern me about my partner. However, I get that it is frustrating. He wrote you a lovely email.
Pam -you are not nor ever will be an "a-hole". No doubt about that! It sounds like "being done" is the best place to be. Hope your hub can accept it and move on.
ali - so glad you had a good Christmas and are feeling and sleeping better. And so glad you did a "whatever" to the ongoing family drama. I call that growth! As regards the past I have a favourite saying
"With time you will come to see that the frantic, broken, unhinged version of yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. You were simply a kindhearted person reacting to a very unkind situation." Hope the specialists have some answers and solutions for you.
As to the coming new year, I plan on it being a good one. Group (((((hug)))))
"My nephew is manipulative and scheming. And those are his good qualities."
I still have my moojo :)
It gets weak at times.
I am not caught up and I know I will mix names and posts.
Ali I didn't read up on your hospitalization and I glad you are good.
If you come across ingormation for for sleep I and definitely interested.
I recently started l L tryptophan along with melatonin and benadryl. I still have problem going to sleep and waking every 1 to 2 hours then finally deep sleep for a few hours sometimes. I often have my phone on do not disturb.
I pray all is well for everyone. I spend most time on series and utube.
My mother is good. I ran intobmy sister at one visit during my regular visit time.
We have. To do covid test before visit. So I waited awhile after she went up praying for a guard over my mouth and heart.
It was a frustrating visit. Under her tutelage of insanity my mother and I for that matter did have the temporary attention and love.
My sister sat right next to her in the community room. When I came in I spoke to everyone and asked if she could move over so I could speak to my mother. She waved her hand like nothing is stopping me
So I placed my hip in between her chair and move her chair over. Where I could kiss and speak to mother.
All heads turned and then to patients started having g a very heated argument.
Anyways I usually bring food to feed my mother I do her hair and lotion and massage her legs and whatever I can to her feet.
So the aide Sks me if I wanted her to bring my mother into room as she knows I feed her I says yes.
She tells me my sister says she was here first and she isbgoing to feed her. Soni ask for a chair so I can sit at table.
So as we sat my sis looking at tv has two bags at her side not interacting with my mother. I am wonder what she was waiting for. So I always talk and be handsvon with my mother. And felt awkward doing nothing so I go get brush and comb and start to grese her scalp and brush her hair. By that time the lunched came . There are new lens and rn on unit and the lpn asks us to give up chairs sobtgenpayient cam sit and have lunch. So I get up my twisted does not. Do nurse asks her agin and states visitors cannot be in room when feeding patients so I ask if I van take my mother to room. Do now protocol states she has special diet and visitors are not allowed. So I tell her I'm an rn and I've been feeding her since she'd been here and bottom line was it was waisted visit
My sister left. My mother still had not been feed when I left. So she didn't get her pampering and she could have eaten had little massage cake and chocolate just for s moment. As my sister left she says something about me pretending. It was a trigger for me. The last time she said it I dreamt about setting her straight waiting to catch her and when I did she raise her had and I almost lost my sanity getting ready to maul her when I had her by her hair so tight her contacts came out. I felt terrible after mad I didn't kill her and mad for losing it.
Anyways It's a work in progress and I realize that she know how to pill my chain.
Not to mention that I had previously video called my aunt and my son so they can see her. So my son ask if that is twisted I say yes that is that monster he asks to speak to her and I say not on my phone call if she will answer your call. He sent zoom to her and her soons for his promotion and no one replied
I pray to be in a place where can totally block her presence.
In a natural way.
Love you all
Rays of love and healingvto us all
"Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their disrespect."
I like what you're saying about manipulation and it's the God's honest truth.
Manipulation is abuse. I don't tolerate any kind of abuse from anyone.
I won't be a player in anyone's abusive games.
"Life is short. Don't waste it with negative people who don't appreciate you."