notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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They are what they hide."
dear anyone who is surrounded by toxic family members...
set yourself free.
"The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he's in prison."
and remember...!!! regarding the quote in my post below...
prisoner OF THE MIND...
they try to dominate your mind. get them out of your head!!
hug!!!!
Tried passionflower tea and capsules for relaxing and sleep and it works but it disturbed my gut so I tried Relora - a mixture of magnolia officinalis and Phellodendron amurense and it is working. Getting the right dose is taking a while but I am so glad to have found it. For those in the know it increases your GABA levels.
I posted before on the whine thread about our flooring issues at the condo. I am very pleased that I have been fully refunded for the flooring that didn't work. Yay!!! Apparently they are obliged to refund if you return it for a valid reason in Alberta anyway. So the new flooring is being installed this week and should be done by the weekend. A flooring contractor is doing it and R is acting as his helper which drastically reduces the cost. I am so relieved that this is being sorted out finally. Meanwhile I am culling more and more stuff which is good. Haven't heard any results of R's MRIs - hope that is good too.
We are having mild temperatures - single digits below 0 C which is great for this time of year but the humidity is up to over 90% and when there is wind it is as raw as March. However the mildness is a real bonus. And the days are getting longer. Things brighten up noticeably after the first week of January here and that helps everyone.
Take care everyone and do something good for you. You deserve it!
"You need an attitude adjustment. Let me get my tools."
'You need an attitude adjustment. Let me get my tools'.
I'll go you one better.
'You need an attitude adjustment. Since you're already a tool you can probably do it yourself.'
LOL
"One of the things that binds us is our not caring attitude."
My mom desires to live in home (alone) as long as possible. She has an extra room for a caregiver if needed. My mom has been showing signs of dementia over the years, slow and periodic. I did not see her for a few months and spent 10 days with her over the holidays. I see things have progressed to a point that she would benefit from someone coming in to help out and as my proxy - i am poa. I live far enough away that it requires extensive planning to come. I also have a limited capacity for the stress of visiting her. I am happy with daily phone calls and occasional visits.
My mom falls into stories that are her own - not being a burden, shame, fear of abandonment, paranoia, guilt etc. I cannot take these stories and have limited patience for the self pity. If it was up to me I would not have any responsibility for my mom's life. Unfortunately there is no one else but a lawyer to take over poa.
I found a well referenced support assistant that can work 1-2x per week to help downsize, cook, clean, plan schedules and keep me in the loop. My mom is stuck in a story that this person will be taking over her life and she will not be able to do her other activities anymore. No matter what I say, this is how my mom sees the situation. It is her story loop. She has a very active condo life with groups, darts, friends inviting her for lunch, concerts etc. I don't want her to stop this, I just need to know that things are in order each week and for someone to give me the honest observations on how things are going. I see this as an enhancement to her independence - she needs shopping, cooking, cleaning and sorting her schedule. These are all areas of life that have been consistently declining over the past 2 years. I know they are not going to improve so we need support for them.
It is my personal philosophy that it is her life to live. And, as she made me poa then I have the responsibility to act on it. This is a balance and I think I'm following her needs very carefully while taking care of my own. This is all overwhelming and stressful. Hiring this person is a part of my own wellness. My mom cannot understand this no matter how I try to explain - I have not ever known her to express or feel empathy to any of us kids so it will not change.
I am now an empty nester. My ex sucked away the last 20 years by being a toxic co-parent that I was force to deal with. I am now free of this and want to live my life. I plan to sell/give away most of my things and travel, find a better purpose, and leave my family of origin - the violence, the abuse, the endless drama from the past keeps raising its ugly head when I start to feel resentment. I feel my mental health being affected by this situation with my mom. At the same time I don't see how I can ignore it. My alternative is to reject poa and pass it to a lawyer. This is a whole other drama that I cannot handle.
I 'd like to have my mom assessed and her home assessed for any safety adjustments. She will never agree. I would like to put her on waitlists for good care homes but she will never agree. I would like support to come and do what is needed but she will not agree. I would like to bow out but the guilt is so heavy that I would be haunted by it. What i know most is that i will not do this to my own kid. No way. I will prepare myself in graduated care or what ever is required at the time. I have no problem getting help, I would love a cook and cleaner. We are so different...
So that is that. Do I feel better for writing this? Maybe a bit. If only I could get a hug and some comfort.
Thx
❤️🙂
and here, some funny self-care jokes, that maybe bring some comfort:
Do I cry a lot? Yeah. Am I proud of that? You betcha I am, it's 2023 and it's cool to be in touch with your emotions. Get on my level and start healing.
Interviewer: Thanks, we'll call you.
----
I was going to buy a plant for my apartment and then I realized that I don't even give myself enough water each day.
----
Me: *happy/calm*
Anxiety: That's over. It's cancelled.
----
I hope this email finds you well.
How this email found me: 😱😱🤮🤮🤯🤯
----
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The piña and the colada.
----
Me: *ignoring all of life's problems and thinking about my skincare routine instead.*
❤️🙂
bundle of joy
You are right one-hundred percent with your post. You are not responsible for her life and do not have to become her caregiver.
I would suggest that you speak plainly to her. Tell her that homecare will be coming in because if they do not the end result will be an accident or incident happening and her ending up in a nursing home.
No seniors are on board with homecare coming in or with going into a care facility.
They have to have it forced on them.
Your mother needs hoemcare forced on her because you are not going to become her old-age care plan.
Bundleof joy - Your jokes are awesome. Thanks so much.
I really appreciate the kindness and care. It makes me cry:) Good crying!
Big hugs to you both.
https://www.aginglifecare.org
Golden thanks for the advice. The Gabba upset my stomach.
SharynM thanks about the moojoo I am still holding tight
Barb Glad Ali all the best always to everyone.
I still a work in progress I stay in prayer. Still a cry baby and thankfull for my growth.
This is truly a forum that has blessed my life.
So grateful for the honesty and being able to share my crazy my issues my pain.
I have put some issues on hold so as not to be overwhelmed.
Rays of love and healing to us all.
Golden, I'm happy to hear about the flooring. Keep pushing on!
Duck, I sympathize with your sleep issues. I have them, too. It's funny how stress begets stress: stress may keep you from sleeping well, but then it also cumulates into many other symptoms that will also definitely keep you up at night.
I put some things here about my job, my roommate, and my neighbor, but I'm not sure how to word it.
Long story short: I'm sick of everyone's sh*t. Boundaries are essential in life. Establishing clear expectations and holding people to them is my new mantra for everything.
As an emotionally fragile person, it's been difficult for me to see when I'm being taken advantage of.
But I'm tough enough to move past that and hold others and myself accountable.
That feels very freeing.
"You cannot reason with a narcissist. It's like dealing with an alien. Even some pets understand better when you talk to them. Talking to a narcissist is like talking to a wall. Whatever you say, they will do the opposite just to demonstrate to you who is the boss."
duck -you are making progress. That's awesome!
ali -so important to keep those boundaries and not easy! Some of us tend to give too much and to give way too much. We need the protection. Yes you are tough enough for sure.
Trucking along here. Waiting on R to come up. He just finished all the preliminary testing for ca and has to take it easy for a few days. I am formulating some back up plans as you never know what lies ahead.
Take care all.
What a concept! A child who has needs to be fulfilled!
Lets reframe the concept of "cry baby" with something for intelligent and informed. Some of us cry easily. It's physiologically determined. It doesn't denote weakness.
I am one of those people.
You are sensitive to being insulted.
You are sentimental and big-hearted with your true friends and loved ones.
Try hard not to run into your sister. Ever. She is one pathetic, sick puppy. And she knows where your buttons are.
"Narcissists try to destroy your life with lies because theirs can be destroyed with the truth."
narcissist:
"I'm not going to argue with you!"
narcissist:
"Yes, I'm deliberately misunderstanding you and shutting you down. I'm more concerned with being right than listening to your emotional dribble. This conversation is over because I say so. I'm in control and all powerful here and most importantly winning."
understanding a narcissist:
"They want to see you fall apart."
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a***oles”.
I know it seems petty to others, and often to me, I look in the mirror and chide myself, I really don't need someone else to do it, thanks, but I need to vent. People don't understand unless they've walked this path.
My mom and stepfather lived 4 hours away on a farm out in the country, my sister who lived a couple of miles from them married and moved several states away, and my other sister lives in another state, When my stepfather passed last September our Mother stated that she just wanted to live with someone who loves her, his kids had been brutal to her wanting to know how soon they could take over everything before the funeral had even been planned! Turns out our stepfather had not taken Mom into much consideration in his will, it was pathetic. I hired an attorney and we got Mom what we could, not nearly as much as she deserved, but we tried.
Both my sisters and I discussed it and said we would share the responsibility; Mom would stay 6 months with each of us at a time. Well, they reneged almost as soon as I got Mom moved in with me about a year and a half ago.
It has been an eye opening experience as to the true nature of my mother at this time in her life. I knew she expected everyone to do everything for her as much as she could get by with it when I could go to visit, she must have been running my stepfather ragged! She gets up out of her chair to go to the bathroom and to get her plate. If you say anything about she needs to take a bath or do something productive like got to Target with me she sulls up or cries. She'll sit in the same gown and robe for days on end.
It drives me bonkers that she has to comment or report on every blessed thing, like my husband has gone somewhere as if he didn't tell me before he left. I've started staying in other rooms a lot. And flirt, oh she just flirts and butters up my husband to no end and responds to him when he's addressing me - telling me goodnight, or saying he's going to the hardware store, or whatever before I can get a word in. She has her own bathroom but insists on going to mine unless I'm in the office by hers and she has to know what I'm doing. She always wants to know everything I'm doing even if it's cutting my toenails...,
She lives with us rent and bill free, except for her medical insurance bills. I take her to the emergency room typically in the middle of the night when she gets a UTI or a sniffle (she likes to flirt with the doctors, too), take her to her doctor appointments and pick up her medications. Basically, just seeing to her every need, and I cannot tell you how much it hurt when she was talking to my youngest sister on the phone and I heard her say "I love all of you but you're my pick" right there in front of me. Cut me to the quick! I'm sorry, she may feel that way - but what Mom says that to any of her children but especially in front of a sibling!
My husband thinks she has a very entitled and dependent mentality and I have to agree with him. Between his mom and mine our retirement years are turning out much different than we'd planned. His mom lives in town and his sister mostly takes care of her - he goes over every day and spends at least 2 hours sometimes all day, so we're pretty tied down and can commiserate with those of you who feel the same. I miss my husband, I miss walking in my house and feeling that AHHHH I'm home sensation and just relaxing, I miss us being able to just take off for parts unknown when we feel like it.
I know I have much to be grateful for, but thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me vent just a little, okay, a lot, I practically wrote a book, but I feel a little lighter for letting it out to those who understand \0/ <3
I overheard my mom once saying to my brother "You're the best thing that ever happened to me" It cut me to the quick. Especially since that brother did nothing for her when she really started to decline and needed her children. A bunch of siblings who could have helped and still I did pretty much everything.
I loved my mom dearly but I always felt she favored her sons over her daughters. Commonplace from what I've heard. But still I loved her and loved her.
I hope that you can give yourself the love and respect you deserve and not wait for others ie: your mother and siblings, to give it to you.
I'm glad you feel lighter for venting. And don't apologize for venting either. Us women have a tendency to apologize for doing what men do all the time except for them it's not venting, it's just how they communicate. Vent away I say!
I have a maternal grandmother who is narcissistic. I was in the car alone with her around 8yo, and she told me I was her favorite grandchild. I was suspicious of her at that young age because I didn't believe her. I'm positive she said that to every single grandchild at some point.
It sounds like your mom likes to use flattery as manipulation and be catered to, which is similar to my grandmother. I don't know if that qualifies as NPD, but you might look at narcissistic traits and see if they resonate for your mom.
Continue to comment here, and I know you'll get good input.
Love you all for the guidance wisdom understanding an acceptance! It means the world. Some of you are Godsent Angels For Real.
Welcome to new members!
This is a beautiful thing and it's so inspiring to see this wisdom love understanding and acceptance at work.
I am maintaining my MOJO. I have my moments. I stay in prayer as usual I have to!
Prayer and this forum......
Golden! I got the relora. I tell you it is effective. I noticed a tad difference. I am high strung it was weird to feel relaxed and notice it.
Also I started back with using cardamom in my tea. A lieutenant in ems put me on to it as a tea lover. Then I saw in utube that it's good for high blood pressure also takingd3 and k2 but the relora had me surprised how I slept longer than usual and being relaxed helped me prioritize my needs to be out and running doing things at a less stressful pace.
I have a lot more to share.
Love you all.
Rays of love peace and healing to us all!
duck - so happy you found that the Relora works for you too. less stressed, more relaxed and better sleep is only good! Cardamom in tea sounds good. Good that you still have your MOJO!!!
The flooring in the condo is getting done slowly. Buddy is doing it in between other jobs. R has a consult near the end of Feb re his tests so I gather it is not urgent. He says he is coming up here soon to finish the repairs so we are moving slowly in the right direction. Hopefully there wont be any more major setbacks. Hopefully!!!
Unusually mild weather here for January still but the normal cold is forecast to come soon. It's been a great break!
"One of the few conditions where the patient is left alone and everyone else is treated."
1. changing the topic when you talk
2. the blame game
3. projection
4. fake rage
5. playing the victim...fake tears, fake anger
6. gaslighting...lying
7. interrupting
8. intentionally misunderstanding you...Then you try to reason, but it's totally intentional on their part. They understood you perfectly. You'll try to reason with them again. But again they'll intentionally misunderstand you.
9. silent treatment...ignoring you...CONTROLLING you