notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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A bad attitude is like a flat tire, you ain't going anywhere until you fix it.
This has been much on MT mind dealing with my mommy dearest.
At least I know it's happening.
One thing is how much it affects me that I have lost my old mother who treated me like trash. And seeing my programing feeling lonely and that negative self talk
How I have been the outcast, my anger and resentment. Those memories flaring up. I'm even dreaming about the issues.
So I have to get back on my mission for counseling and health care.
Im scared. Major parts of my life is unstable. Impending surgical intervention it seem simple but I will need rehab and therapy.
I'm thinking to take on two more days of work to build up finances and sick time.
The progression is subtle a d scary. I have apt in March and will probably agree to go ahead regardless because it really doesn't make since my limp gets worse and not to mention my memory having to walk up two flights because I forgot something two times. The the ache gets worse.
I am alone
Yes I have support in phone. But physical contact is basically with my client.
My oldest nephew and I came in at same time. I was unlocking door he walked up didn't speak so said hi and he is always like oh sorry hi and then thank you
He used to love my roastbeef on holidays and I had made steak a d potatoes he mumbles he hadn't smelled that in a long time I offered and he accepted. This made my day to be able to share and make a smile. To do something and fell appreciated to see love
I know my twisted (than you Gershin) supports himself and will cut himself off .
TRuth is I've always basically been alone. I hate that anyway my mother may be gone I hate that imiss her so much even if most was negative. I needed her to need me and the ugly was atrntion also.
So now I wonder if she remembers. Especially during my visits.
Well anyway today is also my grandmother's birthday. I think I have an inside timer that reminds me. Yesterday I broke down talking to my aunt. Today I texted a heart and I know because we both would trigger each other. What's worse is she has always triggered me as a kid where I would get her good and then it's like nothing. It's still there the dynamics and she is all I have here. Lots o lots of family. We grew up together. We are both there for each other. We speak almost daily. We both struggling.
Anyways this is the whine forum and thanks for letting me vent
Ralso of love and healing for us all.
My latest update with my mom is that I've reached the end of my ability to support. She is showing more signs of dementia but is an excellent masker. I see heightened anxiety, depression, paranoia, confusion, bursts of violent anger, heightened hoarding behaviours. Some similar patterns that my grandma had. She makes some odd choices that are definitely dementia related. The rate of change has now accelerated and I am guessing that she will need care by the end of the year.
Together we hired a personal assistant to be my proxy once a week. To do things with my mom that she wants me to do. I live 8 hours away. This gives me peace of mind. At this point if anything happens my mom is leaving a terrible mess to clean up. I think this is so selfish of her. She laments about not being a burden but cannot comprehend that the burden will be what she leaves behind. She always had a narcissistic personality so i work hard to not take it personally.
Honestly, she was a terrible parent - neglected me, left me with abusers regularly, overtly showed her dislike for me until i left home at 18. She came back into my life when my kid was born at 30 and helped pay for her braces, her uni dorm which was really helpful. I accept that help. Now she thinks I am out to trick her and no longer trusts me. She denies I am poa and will not show me the paperwork or call the lawyer to verify this. This paranoia happened with both of my siblings and it is my turn. There is no one left.
I'm done. I have an empty nest, my ex is no longer holding me back. I lived with abuse within my family of origin, I spent my 20's healing, my 30/40's raising my kid with an abusive baby-dad and it's my time to live. I have invested a lot of time into my healing, I know my goals and desires. I am a driven person. It is MY time.
Many will judge as they hear her story of how her family "failed" her. They will not hear of how much I time i invested in travelling to see her, checking in with regular phone calls, having her in my house for 3 months during covid, supported her recovery after knee replacement, that i arranged a very dignified and respectful personal assistant to work with her to get all the things done that she complains about. Judge away. They don't know me.
I feel obligated to make the best of my life. To show my kid and nieces that negative and abusive family patterns can break, that we all deserve to live our heart desires and best lives, that we can support each other with their best lives with compassion and excitement. That we do not deserve abuse. I know when my time comes I'll be moving into graduated care. I will choose an excellent place to live out my years - beach, ocean, gardens. My kid will be living their life and will visit me as a guest not a caregiver.
Dang nabbit. Time to do some more counselling on healing old wounds so I can complete this stage of healing and come to freedom. I am planning on leaving the country next year and finding my tropical home. She knows this but denies it. What I have been working on with her is in preparation for my absence. She has no one else - already alienated her other kids and grandkids - so this is her one shot at choosing before she gets thrown in with the group in social supports. That is her choice. It is hard to witness but it is also not surprising considering she relies on manipulation and guilt to get her way. No more.
Whew! This dysfunctional forum really helps to move these thoughts. Thank you if you got this far. I appreciate your witnessing.
Many blessings to you all. I hope everyone here can recognize their self worth and give themselves the love they deserve. We are all worthy of goodness. Ducky this means you too! Counselling is so helpful. Just keep trying until you find your match.
Im dealing with something similar. My mom. Also I have many major heath issues of my own. I’ve gotten physically ill and emotionally crazy way too often for years. I’m out ! I expect she’ll cry and act like a wounded little girl, but now I’m ready and willing to hear that, BUT I will NOT give in ! ! !
Later- Was this original question posted from 2012 ? ?
I think it may have been my Christian upbringing that led me to thinking that I had to tolerate everybody. But I've since grown into the belief that God doesn't require us to be a victim of someone else's incapacity to be pleasant.
My tolerance is next to nothing now for emotional abuse whether the person doing the abusing is aware of what they are doing or not. I'm not an unforgiving person and I realize everyone has a bad day now and again. But if that bad day starts to flow into a bad week, month, year.............? Well, you get the picture.
Let's respect and love ourselves enough to protect ourselves from those who bring us down. Emotional pain turns into physical pain which presents itself in so many ways, back and neck pain, ulcers, you name it. It's not worth it.
To remove toxic people from our existence or eliminate them as much as possible, they could move to California.
Yeah, that would make a dent in the problem anyways. ;)
😏😏😉😉
a more polite term for a
self-serving, manipulative, evil, a********ole with no soul."
...
Hey friends! Well... last year was weird for me! I was in school, set on hitting that finish line of graduation, and then I did it! And then realized I'm having constant panic, I can't breathe at night, I have *intense* hot flashes... And finally, in December, I got relief from that, and went straight into Christmas. On New Year's, my sweet kitty was dying. I had a bad experience with the vet -- who just called me today and refunded more than half of my euthanasia fee, which validates that I was overcharged. (And thanks to my bad Yelp review.)
Then I worked as much as I could this month, knowing that I would have time off due to a minor procedure I had on the 25th. And while trying to stay productive, I'm tackling some things at home while I'm off.
Finally, I got around to going through old laptops and paperwork. There is still so much from my caregiving years. Part of me wants to throw it all in the trash and delete all the files, but part of me (for whatever reason) feels like I should keep some things. I need to know that I didn't imagine how bad it was. It was BAD. It was hell for years. I understand why I was so physically ill during and afterward. I found the house mold report from a professional environmental testing company. I didn't imagine that Stachybotrys measurement capping the chart limits... there it is in the report. I didn't imagine that my grandmother's initial caregiving agency was evil... I found they hired felons (not allowed under IL licensing), and put one of them as my grandmother's caregiver. Another felon was their office manager who ran off with all their money right after my grandmother died. What drama. I have everything I investigated and reported, and that ended with the agency being out of business six months after she died. I think I had a hand in that. *pats self on back* I have all the correspondence where I advocated endlessly for my dad's needs, the house needs, with his trust.
I don't know how I did it. It makes me feel sick just glancing over some of this stuff.
But I feel like I need something to remember that I didn't overdramatize it. It WAS that bad! For years!
Welp. That's all I wanted to share right now. :) I'm still working through the paperwork and files. Most of my dad's/family documents from the old house are at bros, but I had more than I realized still with me.
I fought everyone - including my own family - trying to do what I believed was right for my grandma and dad for so long. I fought the bad agency, the trust, my father in trying to get him healthy when he didn't want to comply with stuff, the doctors who didn't want to give him best-known procedures (Moh's, catheter stuff)... And when I handed it off, as sick and broken as I was in 2017, I still wrote down everything needed for my dad's care and made sure it was all communicated as best I could. And now he's been just fine in his HUD IL for five years, which other family said wasn't possible. I knew it was, and that it was for the best, for everyone.
I forgot how much I worked to get things to *this* point.
I wrote this post fast and I'm just going to post it without editing. I hope it doesn't ramble too much. Just wanted you guys to know I'm always thinking of my friends on AC and always grateful for the support over the years. This place really saved my butt when I needed it most.
I did a good job, all things considered. *pats self on back*
Ok, no time for too many tears. Onwards and upwards.
*I still need to see OBGYN and endocrinologist, to see if they can figure out if my thryoid/hormones are normal. Those appointments are coming up in the next couple of months. I'm doing well in the meantime.
Then later she is upset with me because I didn't visit mom as she thought I should!
...
My mom just told me that my dad's HUD is closing in one year. He's not doing well. I won't speculate (and try not to care too much) about what happens from here. If he's still alive in a year and my mom wants to take him into her home, I can't stop her. She knows I don't think it's a good idea. I told her I'd help her look for another place and get him applied. She doesn't want me to do that.
She found this one picture in the folder and described it to me. I knew exactly what it was. On my 15th birthday, my mom and I had gotten into it, and she was hitting me. My older bro ran to get a camera and took a Polaroid of my crying face, with my mom's back to the camera, and wrote on it gleefully, "Ali's ugly face." He can be a jerk and gets pleasure from being cruel to me.
My mom said something like, "I don't know where I was and why I wasn't there for you."
It's really good to have turned this corner with my mom. My mom will never be a completely safe person for me. I will always have to have some guard/boundaries. But it means so much that she seems to be "getting it" lately and continues with her apologies.
Today has been a lot. It's all ultimately good stuff. Validation in spades, as Golden once said.
humming ((((hugs)))) to you too. It will be a relief to place your mum but I don't envy you the job of clearing out after her. Our dysfunctional upbringing follows us, doesn't it? Go for a good life for you - absolutely! I am finally rid of the toxics from my family of origin. Took a long time, You have to overlook the judgement from those who don't know, Eventually mother burned all her bridges too. Blessings back at you
Nancy - yes it was first posted years ago in recognition there were a number of us who had dysfunctional families to deal with and that a specific thread would give us a place to vent etc. Glad you feel free and will no more be made physically and emotional ill by the toxic person in your life.
gershun - yeah, for sure, definitely - stay away from toxic people.
ali - been wondering how you re doing. Honestly you did a stellar job caring for your grandmother and father, under some very difficult conditions. I am glad you feel validated. I haven't kept much stuff - emails or anything except tax info which I need to keep for a while yet. Didn't want it!!!
Good you got a partial refund from the vet.
I'm sorry to hear your dad is not doing so well, but I guess it is to be expected at his age and with his health history. Also I am so glad that your mother is admitting what she did and that you are letting go of where your father will live once his HUD has closed. You are offering the help that you can. Yes, your bro is a jerk.
Good luck with your appointments. Hope you find that all is well or can easy be fixed. Sounds like life is looking up for you!
glad - some people are never satisfied! grrr!
It was cold here for a week and minus 31C (-24F) now but it is forecast to warm up again. I can handle minus single digits Celsius in February very well. I am finding that extra CoQ10 helps me to sleep better, feel warmer, and generally feel better. From my reading those with CFS/FM have low CoQ10, as well as older people and probably those with low thyroid issues so I guess it is not surprising that taking some helps me. There are no reported side effects at quite a range of doses so it seems safe. I am down a dress size to an M but want to lose another 10 lbs. Wish me well. My caloric needs have decreased as I have gotten older, but my appetite remains the same - too large for my needs, so it is a struggle and always has been. 🙄 I will have to find a way to compensate for not having stairs once I am in the condo. Will probably have to build walking the concrete "EXIT" stairs into my days as much as I can. Apparently people walk in the underground parkade which stretches between the two buildings so it should be a decent walk. We are advised to drive carefully b/c of the walkers.
I have a quandary with my dd. She has offered to eventually look after my finances and health care. That's very nice of her, but...I have just recently helped get them out of a financial mess as she didn't spot something in their finances and was an emotional mess over it for a while. Her cancer treatment has given her chemo brain. She was a CA (chartered accountant) but wasn't firing on all cylinders. We found the problem and all is well now but without my intervention she would have taken out a second mortgage on their house. As well she thinks I have depression and won't accept that my symptoms are CFS/FM. Sigh! It is a common misdiagnosis and I am not sure why she hangs onto it. Well, I do have some ideas. I have told her that my therapist says I am not depressed but that doesn't change her position. I certainly can't have anyone looking after my health care with that attitude. So I have to rule her out and gently tell her that some time. That leaves my middle son who sometimes doesn't respond to my phone messages. We will see! I did a longevity test the other day which said I would live to100. Meh!
Take care all!
There's one thing that is begging me for some better resolution/closure: My grandmother's old agency owner had everything to do with GM being taken from her home, against doctor's orders, around Christmas 2011. GM was 103yo and VERY lively/healthy. She became depressed and lost 40 pounds in the next month and died Feb 16th.
I looked into suing them at the time, but because my out-of-town cousin, who was the guardian, had signed off on the change of placement petition, I would not have been successful. (He'd only been the guardian for a couple of months as the previous guardian, his sister, died that year.) However, the basis of the petition was lies formed by the owner. She hired an "elder expert" to come in and assess my grandmother's living situation with the intent to frame my father and me as bad for my grandmother. It was all about money. I had found out that unlicensed, criminal caregivers were being put in my grandma's home, and to secure her one main account, this agency owner did some horrible things.
As I've come across so much evidence of what happened back then - the videos of GM so happy, chatty, and content in the months before she was taken, the video of my not being allowed to visit her in the hospital when she was dying, video of the owner lying on camera about the reason for removing GM from her home - I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'll sit with my feelings for a couple of weeks before deciding what to do. (Because she declined so much so quickly, eventually, in February, I was able to take GM back home, where I nursed her for a week or so before she died.)
I think all of this needs to go into my YouTube channel. I absolutely plan to name and shame, as it's a matter of public record, and all videos with the agency owner show that she is aware she's being recorded. She drove a wedge in my family that would take years to undo. While there are no hard feelings now between that cousin and me, the owner robbed me and my family of anything else my grandmother would share with us had she not been taken out of her home.
I had this effect on GM that was remarkable. Even though she had 10 years of dementia, once I was there from July 2011, she started talking more. She just hadn't had anyone to talk to as I talked to her daily, and I would steer the conversation to her childhood. There's so much I learned in just a few months. Even one more day/video of that would mean so much to me.
I figure I sound nuts. I'm definitely feeling emotional, but this is not a new thing. It's what I always wanted to do, to somehow hold the owner accountable for what she did and what happened to my grandmother. She did some very evil things for a little bit of money. And though I've forgiven my cousin and believe he was a pawn in all this, some things have come up in the documentation that...
Well. I don't know how to put it. Except that I think the naked truth needs to be published. I'm not out to slander anyone. This sales/marketing lady took a shot at owning a caregiving agency, and since my grandmother was her best client in her first few months, then she did some very ugly stuff to protect that "asset." That's the truth. And I want to make it public.
I'm not vengeful. But my grandmother deserved better.
I won't go off half-cocked. I'm musing out loud at this point. But I ask myself, what can I live with..? I don't think I can live with not giving my grandmother a voice about what happened to her.
Deep breaths,-feel your feelings, you will figure this out. (((((hugs))))
If you feel the need to do something, consider contacting the DA. Maybe there are illegal actions that took place that are still within the statute of limitations.
I've always wanted to catch up with her and give her something to show my appreciation. She stopped by to see my dad and me about a year after my grandmother passed. We were really close in those months before my GM died. The morning GM died, she and I held each other and sobbed. We both hoped we could turn things around and get my GM to how she was before she was taken, but it wasn't possible.
She will be a good sounding board about this.
I think the worst that could happen is that I am sued. But on what basis? It's all true; as I said, much of it is public record through the probate court. The only part that isn't public is the video of the owner lying on camera the day she came to take my GM. But that video shows the owner is clearly aware she's being recorded, so I don't believe there is any legal issue with publishing that video.
But I will get legal advice before I do this because that's just smart. Thank you.
My grandmother meant so well by setting this trust up, but it's been a mess once she was deemed incompetent.
*The trust flipped my grandmother's house for a $100k profit. I had done the work to get it cleaned and fixed up, and they appraised it at $90k for the purpose of the trust. But it was sold for $200k in 2017 after the bathrooms were updated. Not gutted; they just updated the fixtures. I can see all of it on Zillow. It's dirty stuff. This is pretty common and has been reported in local probate watchdog groups, but it's legal. The main trust officer I dealt with during the caregiving days had done this before - he bought outdated houses from his trusts, rehabbed and sold them. It's public record. An LLC bought my grandmother's house. I tried to find out more about the LLC, but this is the only house - and only business transaction - linked to them. I find it all very interesting. If nothing else, I can add this info to the local probate watchdog forums. Cook county has notorious probate corruption.
Now I need to take many deep breaths and leave this all for another time. 💗😌
Try to stop the wheels spinning. Be smart, be deliberate, and take you time. Be smart.👵👵
Check the assessor's site for ownership of the house. Then see if you can determine if that person was a friend. Check on sales of similar homes in the same time frame. If you have a realtor friend they can help guide you in that.
*Oh, but for sure, the house was undervalued for the purpose of the trust. Comps are $200k for the neighborhood, same house, same condition as when I left. It was tract housing from the 1960s. All the houses are built the same. I did all the cosmetic work I could -- painted and restained cabinets and wood, and took up carpet over the hardwood floors. The basement was completely rehabbed through mold remediation. It was worth more than $90k. I don't know how much more, but more. The flipper put in new bathroom cabinets.
As a caregiver, we have taken some big hits.
You are right, it is not good to rehash if it takes you to a dark place.
If you can wait until the full moon passes, and you feel better.
Yes, deep breaths.
You are wise to put it away for now.
Just for now.
Justice needs to be addressed sooner or later.
You can work this out, but later?
Okay?
During my days of caregiving for my mom I sent off a string of angry e-mails to my family members that I totally regret now. While what I said was true and sound they should probably have never been sent. Later once the dust had settled I reread them and felt foolish.
You'll resolve this eventually because it is so important to you. But take deep breaths and settle your mind first.
Or are you grieving someone/some thing else as well - your dad, your relationship with your mother?
It's just a gut feeling from my own experiences and what I know of you.
In any case BIG (((((((hugs)))))) and🧡. We are here for you.
Be especially good to yourself these days. ☕🌷🌹🌻🛀🕯🍫
Ali I am so with you on the struggle with sabatoge via agencies and family.
I must express my appreciation and gratitude for tolerance and support in my issues and posts.
Ali I am not caught up on your situation.
I have to express a kindness connection to your journey
It's horrible hearing the corruption in agency that function to help and intervene and protect.
I feel your dilemma and struggles.
I also think it's great that you have the possibility to resolve or even discuss issues with your mother.
One thing I must express is the beauty and love I see in your heart that perseveres throughout your struggles. It has been inspiring from day one.
I also have to share and express that deep in my heart and essence that the corrupt agency and all involved will meet God's Justice and Judgement.
Golden as usual always I appreciate and cherish your advice. Thanks for your wisdom and being a channel and angel.
So I was losing my MOJO.
I know God is Good and always there.
I am holding on feeling a need to vent in every situation that puts me In a memory of something that has impressed me significantly.
So much to say and share.
I just know that the Father is always working for us even when we have no clue or can't fathom the possibility.
Even through these posts.
Rays of love healing greatfulness and wisdom to us all.
Golden, I am grieving for my grandmother. Watching her so happy (for the first time in many years) in these videos, then seeing what she quickly became when she was removed... It was wrong then, and it's still wrong. She was taken based on lies meant to get my dad and me away from having any say about bad caregivers that Always Best Care was placing in her home (one had an assault charge, and that requires a waiver to be licensed for home care) so that the agency could continue in charge of her care. Some caregivers were fine/good, but others weren't. If they weren't, I said so, which made me an issue for ABC. They also hired a criminal as their office manager, and that person caused problems for me (they refused to allow her to be taken for UTI testing once - later, it was confirmed GM did have UTI). That office manager took the money out of the company account a few months after my GM died. What a disgrace of an agency. Just a mess. Bad hiring aside, the owner did things that caused a rift in my family and made a poor 103yo miserable and alone in the month before she died.
I exaggerate nothing. If anything, it was worse than what I'm saying, and reading through old documents reminded me of that. So what would you do?
I think I have an obligation to record the events as dispassionately as possible, and maybe I can help someone else in a similar situation.
I can't get over how wrong the agency acted here. The MB Financial Bank trust was all too willing to go along. The trust officer was a fellow parishioner of my grandmother, and she trusted him completely. I feel he betrayed that trust many times over. My cousin was a pawn. The agency owner told B, the good caregiver, that she had him in her pocket.
Maybe I grieve again and set it aside. But whew. She was an agency owner for about one year. Her brother remains with ABC in DuPage, north of Chicago, but she came and went in a year. And in that single year, she put events into place that broke my heart and caused an undignified end of a strong, healthy 103yo vulnerable senior. I wasn't allowed to see my grandmother at the residential placement facility they put her in for money (it's documented that this chain provided monetary incentives to ABC to place her with them) or the hospital in Lisle. Specifically, my father and I were banned. We were the most familiar people to her, but to push this narrative that GM had to be removed, security/staff were told that we were abusive. I have pictures of the signs in the lobbies and a video of a nurse and security in Edwards hospital telling me that I must leave. I cooperated then as best I could and hired an attorney to file for me to be guardian, but once she died... what was there to fight for anymore? Since my dad needed a lot of care soon after, and I had my own issues, and I wasn't getting anywhere with a suit, I put it away around 2012-13.
What would you do? It hurt me, but it hurt my grandmother more. She was alone and miserable, rapidly declining, refusing to eat/drink, and crying to go home.
I believe she would want me to tell what happened to her. She had a strong moral sense.
What a saga, eh? I never talked about this situation much on AC. GM had passed by the time I first came here around 2012.
I get the feeling my posts are perceived as my being emotional. That's not fully accurate. I always wanted to see accountability for this situation, but it's been out of sight for many years.