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ali - you have nothing to feel guilty about! I remember much of what you write now from the years you have been here on AC. You shared your struggles with us. You worked very hard on your dad's behalf, despite the difficult relationship you had with him. I know less about you and your grandma but a person (caregiver) doesn't change. I am totally confident that you worked very hard on her behalf too. (((((((hugs))))))
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ITRR,

You were a wonderful advocate for your father. I did the same for my parents.

Some facilities are good and others aren’t up to par.

The SNF that my dad was in for rehab after his stroke was shut down too, like your father’s board and care home. Things change because of people like you and I that speak up.

I did the same thing for my mom when she was in rehab. Her SNF overall was good.

There was only one incident that I had to address but it was important. I certainly didn’t knit pick over small things.

An LPN double dosed my mom with her Parkinson’s medication. Mom told her that she didn’t take that amount. She told mom to take it so she wouldn’t have to make a second trip back. I was furious that this happened.

Of course, the first thing I did was to call the Pharmacist to see if mom could be affected by a double dose. She said not if it was only one time but had it continued to happen then it would affect her.

The pharmacist also told me to report the LPN to the head nurse at the nursing home because the LPN was most likely doing this to other patients. So I reported her to the DON and it was handled properly.

The LPN did admit that she had done this. I realize that they are shorthanded but that isn’t an excuse for over medicating a resident.
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One thing that I was always pleased with was home health and hospice. They did an excellent job.

Ali,

It’s difficult to be an advocate for our loved ones. You did your best. I was close to my grandmother. She was fortunate to be in good health for the majority of her life.

You had a lot to deal with, like I did with my parents. It’s never easy. We do the best that we can.
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@Ali

I never said you were the reason your grandmother suffered. What I said is that your grandmother is the one who suffered.
I don't doubt you loved your grandmother.
Decent and adequate care is in my opinion a human right. You were not wrong to expect it. I think you may have been wrong in your approach to her caregivers and your expectations of them. This is very common with families.
I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell a client family that I am not a servant for the whole family and I cannot perform miracles.
You'd be surprised how many families expect both though. Cwillie on the thread is right. Hindsight is 20/20. Many things could have been handled differently concerning your grandmother's care. If you were able to give her some happiness in the final part of her life then that's what mattered and that is what you should call to mind when thinking about her.
Please don't think that I don't believe what your saying. I do because I know firsthand how sleazy and underhanded the homecare business can be. Which is why I work extra hard to make sure everything with me is above board.
I also know after 25 years of client care how demanding, demeaning, and demoralizing a client or their families can be to a caregiver. I'm not a person who tolerates knit-picking on any level or from anyone.
I've always told clients and their families plainly to take care how they treat me and not to get too demanding or knit-pick because if Ieave them I will never return for any reason. There have been more than a few over the years begging me to come back when they saw what passes for an agency caregiver.
I made one exception to that rule in 25 years and returned to work for a client that I'd quit and my reasons are my own.
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I just completed my master's of science in applied behavior analysis application and sent it off. Since everything is online, including my classes, I can start as soon as March 1.

As I worked around my apartment yesterday, I felt close to my GM and knew she wouldn't want me to do anything that hurt her family, including reminding them of what putzes they were during the caregiving years. She knew what long-suffering and overcoming were like, and I'm sure she understood much better than I do.

The thought came to me over the past day that caregivers could use behavior skills training, and training other health pros is a sizable part of what behavior analysts do - if my studies are anything to go by... since I still haven't worked a day in the field. lol The MS includes a practicum, though. It's more than understandable that the caregiving job can be frustrating and thankless. CGs need tools, and I've wanted to find an ABA avenue to work with the elderly. Who knows. I'll revisit the local uni gerontology department. I went to see them seven years ago or so, and they're one of a few in the state that offers this kind of education, including certifications. It's unlikely I'll find a way to do my practicum with an elderly population, but I can at least look around.

I'm not making too much of my thoughts or feelings right now. But it's good to have ideas, dreams, goals, and things to look forward to.

I've printed my comments over the past few days to keep in a personal file. I don't know if I ever need to revisit this situation with GM again, but if I do, I already put most of it here. Thanks for riding along with me as I took this interesting and bumpy detour. :)
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Ali - I've often thought that someone could make a good living just going from facility to facility offering workshops teaching staff and other interested parties how to deal with behavioural problems, goodness knows many people working in the industry seem to be clueless.
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Congratulations, Ali! You’ve worked hard!

cw,

Totally agree!
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Thanks, NHWM.

CW, it's really needed, I agree.

I just got off the phone with GM's good caregiver, B. She called me and immediately said something like, "I am so glad you reached out. I always think about you, your GM, and that situation." She reminded me that she was fired from Always Best Care for attending my GM's funeral and said she intentionally never worked with the other ABC franchises again because she remembers things about the local rep, Rockhill's bro, that were red flags for her. They were all about getting money any way they could.

She is every bit as passionate as I am about putting it all down in a blog or documentary of some kind. She remembers other dirty things the agency and trust did. She wants this to happen and wants to participate.

We're going to meet up and chat. She wants to see the videos of GM.

B said something about the universe wanting this to happen, as just a couple of weeks ago, she went by the old house to see if I was still there. This deeply impacted her, too, because it was so wrong what was done in GM's situation.

If nothing else, I have reconnected with an old friend and someone who was there. That's really wonderful. And I've always wanted to thank her by giving her something/money.
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Ali - that's awesome. I am so glad that you are pursuing your education in this field. Also I am glad that you are more at peace with your past with grandma. As you say, most of it is written out now, which in itself is helpful. I certainly believe that caregivers can use behaviour skills training. The field of gerontology is growing as is the percentage of the population that are seniors. There may be more opportunities to work with seniors by the time you need them.

ETA - Just saw your most recent post. I am so glad you have hooked up with B again and and she is interested in documenting what happened. It should be good for both of you. Friends are precious. Old friends maybe more so.

I finally have gotten into reading The Great Age Reboot. The website looks too commercial for me, but I find the book is interesting.

More warm weather. Minus single digits (C) and even a few days above freezing, This is amazing for February!
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((((HUGS))) Ali!
We can't erase our memories. I admire your strength and ability to retain the goodness in your heart.
That criminal agency situation is real.

I sensed this deep in my heart about my mother's guardian ship. No bills have been paid since September. She has been on Medicaid which pays for her care. I have reached out to lawyer. I don't have a clue to what is right but I feel a lot is wrong.
Stress triggers depression and revives old ugly memories and negative self talk for me. I have always been absent minded as a child. Now I misplace things easily and be nearly in tears by the time I find what ever I misplaced in an obvious place.

I have made agreement with con Ed for the electricity. The bill goes to the Guardianship.
I feel some of these agencies have underlying purpose to take advantage of elderly and disadvantaged people.

So I am feeling a tad better.
In my earlier post I meant to say that this was not the whine forum but thanks for letting me whine.

The ability to vent especially here is like sacred medicine.
I have so much love in my heart for the members of this forum.

Ali it's never too late! I believe there are no coincidences. He is still single?!
Oh the other error among many typis on my last post was an attempt to acknowledge Gersun for twisted the sister thing lol

I am not good with the names but I sure remember the love and wisdom support even hard love and understanding.

I have to write a book to express a feeling.
I also noticed how my bad moments interfere with my sleep. Last night I woke up every one or two hou=s finally around 4am I slept to close to 9am. Now I feel okay and I am going keep the smiles in my day
The smiles are returned and are like happy sparks.
My contact is in my outside chores then I come home alone except for a need home repair or meeting out for dinner.
So I am glad I am naturally friendly because sometimes when I am down I go out and someone will make me laugh or feel good just from smiling.
I play numbers at liquor store and sometimes there is a long line for numbers especially with a big jackpot and no one selling liquor one day this woman was raising hell waiting to buy liquor but the lotto line was long before
We never know how broken or hurt someone is.
I know ther are moments that I can't stop the sadness sometimes even then a smile keeps me strong.
I just almost started rambling.
Rays of love and healing to us all.
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Ali, I’m so proud of how far you have come and accomplished. Keep pursuing your goals. You are seeing so much and have a perspective you did not have in the past. Sending much love and support to you.

DDuck, I have to say I read your posts and I see a woman who is feeling so much freer and having life that you have deserved all along. You are growing and stretching your mind to new perspectives and this awesome!

I have started PT for my right leg and hip. I have piriformis muscle issues which compress the sciatic nerve and major muscle tightness around my right hip. After one week of pt I have improved even though I still have pain. I cDNA stretch better and I can now feel when my muscles are tight which I could Nora week ago. Small steps and steady progress.


sending lots of hope and strength to everyone.
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Sharyn, how did they diagnose piriformis? I am.having hip trouble too. I have not gone to the doc. What exercises do you do in PT?

I am participating in a exercise online group called Mighty Health. I had been walking 4 miles a day that turned out to be too much for my hip. I backed down to three miles and seems to not be irritating, anyway.

What is cDNA?
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Glad, I have pain that is from my lower back and
through the middle of my right buttock. It presents as sciatic nerve because the piriformis presses on the sciatic nerve. I have trouble straightening my right leg out because the thigh muscle tightens up.

the stretching I do is on the floor or a table….I bend my knees and lower my tight knee to the side for a count of ten and ten reps. The same on tge left side. Then with both knees bent, my feet stacked on top of each other, I lower both legs to the right for 10 and 10 reps and repeat on the left side. You will feel a big stretch through your thigh and knee and buttock. The most painful stretch is I get as close to the right side of the table and lower my right leg down. It stretches through my right hip, thigh and knee. Again it’s 10 and 10 and repeat on the left. There are more if you are interested in them pm me.

i. Getting better, however my muscles have been tight for a long time, I have to retrain them to let go and relax. It’s not a one or two week cure.
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Sciatic back pain manifesting as hip pain is exceptionally common. My Mom had it and my daughter has it. I do have the bad lower back, and occ can give me groin pain, but mostly sticks to back, and down the leg to the heal nerve pain. Off and on. Old nurses back. But over and over I hear about people who think they have a bad hip and it turns out it is a bad back.
I sure do trust PT folks who are often more knowledgeable about how the body works and better diagnositicians than even specialist MDs.
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Sharyn, thanks I saw PT today and now have stretches. She said it is IT band syndrome. Hope you are feeling better.
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I love all the posts about back, hip, sciatic, piriformis, and leg pain. That's me! (Misery loves company.)
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Chopped liver, there are many stretches you can do. After 3 weeks I’m able to walk mostly pain free. I bought a cheap exercise table from Amazon which is better than than the floor. It cost less than $60 and holds up to 450 pounds.

on Friday we went to Walmart so I could buy the prep for a colonoscopy on March 3. I had to walk across the store to the other side to get Gatorade. Yes I was hurting but not as bad as I hurt in December. I paid for everything and sat in a chair waiting for husband to paid for what he got. It was maybe 5-7 minutes. When I got up to walk to our car, I was pain free again. I am getting better. I still cant do matching in place but I’m hoping by the end of April I can walk better and longer for an overnight trip my daughter and grandsons have reservations for.
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Glad, I’m happy you have stretches for your pain. As long as a person does the homework they give you, results will happen. It’s not fun but it’s better than the pain.
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I've been doing my physio exercises faithfully every day for 7 weeks now since breaking my metatarsals. I've discovered that I also aggravated an old ankle sprain as well.

I think I'd be so worse off if it were not for the physio. In fact I'm listening more to my physiotherapist than to the orthopedic doc. She told me on Tuesday that I have an unstable ankle. When I told my physio guy that he made a face and said "I hate that term unstable" He thinks that just puts a negative picture in my mind and impedes my progress cause I feel more nervous now about putting weight on ankle.

It's been a process that's for sure. I hurt my foot in November and still am not walking normally. But I'm persevering. Hoping to be walking right by Spring/Summer.
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Sharyn, what is the exercise table you bought on Amazon? I'd be interested in maybe getting one too.
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duck - you are sounding pretty good. Hope the guardian does her job.

ali - hope your renewed friendship is working well

Glad to hear that everyone is doing their exercises, relieving their pain, and getting their function back.

I really believe that PTs know their job and are better than MDs in some ways. Mother was a PT and we grew up knowing that exercise was important to our health. Interesting that my dd now is studying to be a personal trainer. She is sold on seniors maintaining their strength. She is back weight lifting again, building her strength post cancer treatment. I shocked her and got a big hug when I showed her my deep squat. She says I am her poster child. 😊

Everyone - squats are one of the best overall exercises - they build your quads, glutes, core muscles and more. The squat is frequently referred to as the king of all exercises. I really encourage everyone to start doing them - even a few a day. Gradually you will be able to go down lower, and hold the squat for a while. To start, hang onto the furniture to keep your balance while you squat and only go down as far as you can comfortably. Eventually you won't need anything to hang on to.. Squats do burn calories but research shows that in general exercise does not help much with weight loss, but it does help with weight maintenance.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5556592/

https://www.vox.com/2018/1/3/16845438/exercise-weight-loss-myth-burn-calories

Cutting calories is the way to go for weight loss. Of course exercise is good whether it causes weight loss or not.

It's also very important to build your core muscles and keep good balance. All this will pay off as you age. Personally I am more concerned with quality of life as opposed to quantity, but it looks like I have quantity in my genes so best to work on quality. Eating an anti-inflammatory diet helps with that too.

All part of taking care of oneself along with coffee, chocolate and flowers!!! ☕🍫💐
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Golden, my physiotherapist has me doing balance exercises. My balance has never been good and you are right. It is very important. Plus he has me doing one where I get up and down from a seated position over and over which kind of counts as a squat until my foot gets stronger. I'm really impressed with him. He's very dedicated to what he does. He picks up on every movement I do and gives me the appropriate exercises to counter any incorrect movements I'm doing.
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gershun - I think your PT is a real gem and knows his stuff. Keeping good balance as we age is a biggie. Yes, getting up and down from a seated position is a kind of squat. You can graduate from there later when your foot is better. Rocky keeps me getting up and down from the sofa as she wants out, or whatever. I call it bonus exercise!
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The posts about sciatica and hip pain hit home.
Lots of times I feel the pain down my leg but I have seen my xray changes in space between femoral and socket.
I will see Othopedicsin a few days.

Ups and downs all around for me. Been having moments. My client's mother started work again.
Change is stress for me I did ok before and this time theater nurse had gone on vacation and I was asked to fill in 8hrs out of the 4 days. More would be overtime.
Longoing story short I changed days to accommodate her work schedule. She had plumbing problem with kitchen sink water go to bathroom going into 2 wks first water in sink was gray. I say she needs to keep a bowl in both sinks to dump water. She had black trash bag in k sink and one covering bathroom. So when this new job comes up she called me the last sat I come in Sunday and the water isnow putrid she says that she and client were sick I'm like oh no! So the child has no fever but the water in sink is now brown. I call her at work and really got on her about the toxicity and she needed to get on housing. So Friday she takes child to hospital she was admitted. She is okay not pneumonia she says cultures are not back.
So I'm attached to the child then I am our of work now she maybe home Monday or not..
The kitchen is fixed I was on her about it from day 1.
So then my phone is crazy I missed call for my ride to visit my mother so I had to cancel trip because I had doctor appointment to renew my meds. So I cried over that , then she calls about hospital the next morning as I am preparing to go to work. So I'm upset about my client she has trach and possible infection to the trach stoma. With chronic lungdisease then later my job no work no pay. I may have 8hrs of sick time.
So now my MOA with stress. My stomach started hurting I stop eating then I get sick. Thank goodness it's resolved.
Before then I want to post how smooth things were. When it rains it pours
Rays of love peace and healing to us all.
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Hello everyone, I hope everyone has quiet peaceful time sometimes. I can’t participate with everyone like I use to do. You are all n my thoughts.

Friday I had a colonoscopy, one small polyp was found. Waiting for pathology results which I expect to be good.

Last Tuesday I had PT. I think I over stretched my left leg. On Wednesday , I woke up with severe pain down my left leg, the side of my left leg. It is slowly getting better. This pain if different than the pain in my right leg from thigh muscles. I am blessed as my husband is feeding my kitties for me as I can’t stand very long. It’s kind of funny because my therapy is for my right leg.

When leaving after the colonoscopy, a nurse escorted us out holding on to my left side. Our car was parked in front of the building at a sidewalk. We got to where our car was parked, my husband went around the car on the side I would sit on and I stepped off the curb leading with my left leg. My left leg buckled under me, my hubs was trying to pull me up. I told him to let me fall as I was not far from the curb and I’d land on my butt. The nurse agreed with me and I landed on my butt, 😂🤣😂. After resting for 30-40:seconds, I had my hubs pull me up and I was able to stand and get in the car.

My hubs has been great, he has stepped up feeding my cats and dealing with the litter boxes. I have PT on Tuesday so I should find out more regarding what has caused the left leg pain.

sending Blessings to everyone, take care of you.
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"THE NARCISSIST'S PRAYER

That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it."
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((((((duck)))) sorry things turned bad on you. I have started working on stress reduction. You can't control outside things but you can work on your inside. Have you ever tried deep breathing for stress relief? I find it helps. and it lowers my blood pressure. Hope the ortho people can do you some good.

sharyn - hope your polyp test is negative.. Sorry to hear about your mobility problems and glad you didn't hurt yourself falling. Presumably the PT will eventually sort these out. So good that hub has come on board with kitty duties. They need their food and clean litter

bundle - A narcissist will chew you up and spit you out. Then if they step in it, it's your fault.

March is better temperatures but can be windy and raw. So glad to see the end of this winter, though it hasn't been a bad one, still bad enough!

Prayers for everyone. We all have challenges. One day at a time!!!
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The talk of pain issues made me think of the many studies that conclusively link childhood trauma to an increased rate of lifelong medical issues. Not that anyone mentioning it here is directly related to that, but... it's a well-studied correlation/causation.

Stretching and heat therapy help when I get inflammation and nerve pain. Wishing you healing and relief, Sharyn, Duck, and Gershun.

Golden, I haven't heard from caregiver B again. I will reach out to her soon and offer to come her way for a meeting. She has six children between herself and her hubs. I know she's busy!

Send, if I could post on your profile, I'd say, "it's a full moon." :) This one is going better for me than the last two of 2023. Watching my kitty Lilah suffer in January and then coming across the videos from GM's caregiving days in February was so sad for me.

Onward and upward. Always. 💛
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so true about narcs...

“Not one scar on my heart came from an enemy. They all came from people who 'love' me.”
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I hope all is well for everyone.
Golden I keep trying the deep breathing and meditation. Sometimes it work sometimes I am too wound up.
A few weeks ago I started chlorella and flaxseed oil.
My pressure was extremely low from my norm and I thought I had found a "cure" lol.
I was also having dizzy moments off and on. I came home and checked on my home monitors and readings were close.
Saturday before work I get a certified letter in mail that my mother's has money in account about to be turned over to state and to return letter with her signature stating this her account before 4 02.
I plan to seek legal aid.. when I am off this week..

Also got ate for surgery in May. So with concerns around this and my mother naturally my pressure is back up, my cure was a fluke.
I am staying in prayer. I know so many worries are out of my control and I strive to stop being ms fix it and make everything right.
This forum helps me so much in processing and understanding and sharing.

Sharyn I hope results are fine. Be careful.

Ali there may be a corellation to pain and childhood trauma.
I had migraines.
Anyways sometimes my hip pain is excruciating. Even when I'm in bed. Sometimes I wonder if I can make it to the LA LA
Now I think about if I can make it to a destination before I start out. Which is why I agreed
for the surgery regardless of other issues.
Bounty you hit the nail on the head!
Rays of love healing and peace to us all.
Ps. My phone is underling this is new. It just keeps changing things I check apps and permission.
Also I was so happy that my payment agreement with taxes is okay.

Love to all
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