notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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“You will never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.”
"People will usually
hurt you in an attempt to heal themselves."
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/basics/info-2023/finding-forgiveness-after-caregiving-ends.html?cmp=SNO-ICM-FB-CG&socialid=9432409826
Excellent article. I agree with the writer completely.
There are people who will hold onto a grudge forever. They usually aren’t willing to participate in therapy. Therefore; they don’t process their emotions in a healthy way. They end up going to their graves still being angry. How sad.
It makes no sense to me whatsoever to be this way, rather than to forgive and move forward in their lives.
I would find it exhausting to hold onto long term resentment and bitterness.
They make themselves miserable by not being willing to let go of the past. They unknowingly chase others away and then feel abandoned by them.
The only exception for not letting go of the past would be if someone experienced extreme abuse. In these cases, hopes for healing the relationship isn’t usually possible.
"Not having my feelings manipulated is such a weird feeling."
"Wake up
eat
get insulted by parents
sleep."
"If I hadn't met you, I wouldn't have learned
how to spell narcissistic."
For years before the caregiving started and even during the caregiving, until my parents were finally placed near the ends of their lives , my siblings would come for holidays etc. out of obligation, and/or nosiness. I was usually forced to host by my mother . Towards the later years a few times I told my siblings to take my parents out instead and I would go away or just stay home for respite , which would anger my mother .
Spending time with the majority of my siblings and their spouses has not been enjoyable most of my adult life due to my narc mother pitting one against the other .
Over the years, I have also seen two of my siblings change significantly during their married lives . They are rude , selfish people ( like their spouses) and 1 sibling in particular lacks empathy to an extreme. Neither of them were like this when we were kids together . Although one of the other 5 of us was always like that .
After both my parents passed, the uncomfortable gatherings stopped, which I was relieved about.
I thoroughly enjoy getting together with my own nuclear family , my grown children and their partners . I do also include one (divorced sister) and her only (divorced, no kids ) son as they are pleasant , not like the others.
I can’t say that I would want to have gatherings with my nasty siblings now .They are rude and competitive and critical .
But I do miss having a more extended family of NICE individuals to get together with. During the caregiving time, I was involved with putting out the fires , I didn’t miss or think about having enjoyable larger get togethers.
Now that DH and I are dealing with his father with dementia , I wonder if that is bringing up these thoughts that I am having about my own family .
DH family is very spread out , never got together much especially after DH and his cousins grew up and spread out even further around the country . My in laws divorced a few years after DH and I married and FIL totally immersed himself in his second wife’s adult children for the last 30 years . He payed very little attention to his own family .
I feel bad for my DH when he comes home from visiting his Dad in AL . We moved his Dad to AL close to us last year . DH often looks sad when he comes back from visiting his Dad and says they rarely have anything to talk about .
Has anyone else experienced missing a type of family that they HAD or NEVER HAD ? How has caregiving caused or influenced these thoughts and feelings ?
(some, however, are narcs)
way, you wrote: “Over the years, I have also seen two of my siblings change significantly during their married lives . They are rude , selfish people ( like their spouses) and 1 sibling in particular lacks empathy to an extreme. Neither of them were like this when we were kids together.”
the exact same thing happened with my brother. very nice as a child. nice adult, too. became terrible after marriage. awful personality.
i’ve heard that happens sometimes (becoming an awful person after getting married; previously, nice personality). i thought it was the wife’s influence. but now i think, he must have been this way before, and somehow hid it.
Caregiving for narcissistic parents has been a journey of awareness for me and the role I held in my family. Learned a lot about boundaries and self care from others on this forum. My family seems to hate me more than ever for boundaries, but it has been a life saver for me.
i will endeavour to look like that in real life.
"Trying to reason with a narcissist is
like trying to nail jello to a tree."
So true !! I feel the same as you .
I took care of my parents and HAD to set boundaries at the same time to survive and became the outcast . I was lucky to have one sister that pointed out to me that I had to set boundaries and that I was not responsible for my parents happiness .
Going back to Ali's post " many studies that conclusively link childhood trauma to an increased rate of lifelong medical issues". Yes indeed and applicable to a number of us here, me included. I believe the CFS/FM is one of those medical issues.. I am very fortunate I don't have more. Caregiver B - 6 children. Oh my. She will be busy!!!
duck -cures are great but often it is more a matter of a lifestyle change that brings benefits - like doing the breathing exercises regularly. Stress does such a number on our bodies. Hope surgery gets rid of your pain.
gershun - sorry about your breathing problems. I have allergies which cause congestion and I know about that stopping breathing feeling. I find that sleeping on several pillows i.e. propping my head up relieves the congestion and then that doesn't happen. You don't have to be overweight to have sleep apnea. R is very lean and he has a mild form and won't use that apparatus either. Dd is not overweight and she has it fairly severely and uses the CPAP machine. The only way to know is to do a sleep study. Are the deep breathing exercises helping?
boj - "People will usually hurt you in an attempt to heal themselves." Maybe. I do know hurting people, hurt people. Sometimes I think it is a "miswired" brain. Unfortunately when we grow up in a dysfun fam we get used to being mistreated and it becomes our norm. That can lead to all kinds of bad decisions. I am glad you have some great family members, I know it helps.
glad - re forgiveness. I have found, for me, it is an ongoing process, certainly often not a one time thing. Agreed you have to decide if you are going to forgive or not. Personally I don't want the "unforgiveness toxins" inside me. I once heard forgiveness expressed as "Giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me".
need - I so agree that letting go and moving on is best. Even in cases of extreme abuse, the relationship may not be salvageable but the abused person can still forgive and heal and move on,
way - welcome to this thread. I have cut contact with my sister and that has been a very good thing for me. Mother did the playing one against another too, but sis earned the n/c herself. I enjoyed extended family get togethers as the uncles and aunts and cousins were all pretty normal but I knew from the get go that I had to find my "family" outside of my family of origin. I love getting together with my kids and grands. I am sorry about your dh and his dad. I have seen that happen to divorced dads and sons. My oldest son felt that.
Hi ginger - family scapegoats here too and learned well that I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Boundaries are so important for our protection. II am sorry you feel hate from your family. For me it is the was the coldness and lack of any empathy from my sis that got me. Mother was explosive, and a narc but there was a heart in there somewhere that showed sometimes - not often, but sometimes.
Here still recovering from R's visit and the extra activity and looking for ways to avoid another crash and still get stuff done. Just to let people know, berating me for not doing things differently, or the way you think I should do them, doesn't help me. Walk a mile in my shoes...My dd is my cheerleader and that does help. R is recovering from his surgery, not as quickly as he would like but making progress.
Spring is here, I have more green that white on the back lawn, but not in front though the large mounds of snow are smaller and some green is showing. I miss the snowdrops from my childhood that used to come out by the foundation of the house when the sun got warmer in February. 🌞
"I am glad you have some great family members"
not just great.
spectacular; amazing.
by the way, even the narcs in my family aren't totally, 100% awful.
but...they're narcs.
"The narcissist is never
going to turn into a prince."
"The only narcissist
I have room for
in my life is my cat."
terrible.
and absurd she treated the boy better.
and unfortunately, very common.
many mothers are jealous of their daughters, and try to secretly trample them down.
Yet I was the one chosen to do the jobs, like you, the Cinderella child. I find it a good analogue. One year my sister was given a sheared lamb coat for Christmas. I was given a bottle of vitamin pills. Kinda tore me up at the time. You don't forget stuff like that. Wish I could. Not that I dwell on it, but it sure hurt - as was intended. Friends, my non blood family, were (are) very important to me. I got the support from them I didn't get at home.
bundle - you are right about the jealousy. I saw that in my mother and in my sister. I used to think why are they jealous as I am always told how "wrong" I am, but they were. I don't know if any narcs are 100%. Mine weren't but the odd kindness or normal behaviour in no way makes up for or excuses the narc. All it does is confuse you as you hope they will continue to be nice, but that's a vain hope.
"All it does is confuse you as you hope they will continue to be nice, but that's a vain hope."
exactly. totally agree.
i've come to the conclusion that the real personality is the narc one, because a truly kind/sweet person would never behave in that way.
While we did not always see eye to eye, my 3 sisters were a real "social support" to my mother, which gave me breaks from caregiving, and I never felt totally alone in my love and concern for her. I always relayed the latest medical info to them about her state of health, and felt a kind of partnership with them, equally concerned for her well being, even if I was the only one providing actual Care.
With my sister, I am totally on my own.
She has 4 sons, 4 daughters-in law, about 20 grown grand kids...yet, only one of her sons is consistent in keeping in contact with her. I feel absolutely no support or concern from any of the others. It is weird how they act as if she is already dead.
“It is weird how they act as if she is already dead.”
awful.
you’re a good person, tiredsister. i hope there’s some way for less problems to land on you.
good people deserve a good life, too :).
it seems sometimes, that it’s the selfish ones who end up with a “good” life.
🐣🐣🥚🥚🍀🍀
(i know it’s not easter anymore, but i can’t get out of easter mode.)
roves it I can continue to improve. My goalsarsto confine to improve do I can garden, walk a couple miles.
inhipe everyone is well and I. Sending love to all of you
narcs be like:
"I have an extremely high tolerance for the pain I inflict on others."