notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I am not caught up but it was great to see the 3 G's postings.
I am still a work in progress. Trying to find peace in my mind.
Sonetime I find my self stuck in remembering various negative event with my mother and sister.
I pray regularly to erase memories. I wonder if I will live them down.
Otherwise I'm good. Good.
I plan to use my down time after surgery seeking help.
Golden true words change in lifestyle.
I always remember wishing I was normal.
Nearsided and knobby knees.
I also read about name calling.
My mother would call me dumb Dora. I guess this is what made me strive to be an a student
I realize that who I am not is a result of trying and pining for my mother love.
FEELING outcast and I realize some defense mechanisms work a viscious cycle guilt and shame for me. I start to quit smoking the smoke and drink more.
Days I work are good. When I am off loneliness comes around. I get lazy and don't care. Then when I care I get overwhelmed. So I am still learning to know and love myself. I am so much better at certain things. Like my annual medical appointments with wtc program are stressful so I cut out a regular event of my daily routines like visiting a pantry or things I don't really need to do. Also guilt trip when I put off a visit with my mother. Although she is good each visit is an emotional rollercoaster.
Realizing my son had same feelings wishing I was normal. We have talks sometimes.
Right now I am stressing because he will be comming during my surgery. I want to front the I'm okay presentation but it's not easy and then I am just not used to concern about myself and I don't want his to worry which he will because I can barely walk sometimes. Oh well just vent so much more.
I just don't get no matter how hurt or wounded a person is giving the same hurt in a different form.
One thing I enjoy are the spring flowers and gardening.
Alays bought my mother her plants for Easter and mother's day.
The tree in the front now shades the flower pots so I need shade loving perennials and flowers
I bought hyacinths and the smell was beautiful also daffodils but now I have to plant them.....
Anyways so glad for this forum. Much love to everyone.
I hope you all are in a good wonderful place.
Rays of love and healing.
We are all works in progress! None of us have it all together.
Life is full of good and bad experiences. It is difficult when we remember the difficult times in our lives. I hope that in time the pain will lessen.
Spring is my favorite season too.
It is very satisfying to watch flowers bloom. Your garden sounds lovely!
Hoping your surgery goes well and you get relief from your pain.
Take care.
I relate to what you said about caring and getting overwhelmed and not caring and getting lazy. But I have come to discover that what I have considered my laziness has been depression, which causes unmotivation, which we interpret as laziness and turn around into self loathing which in turn leads to more laziness and that why should I even bother mindset.
Do you understand what I'm saying? In other words, it's not your fault. Be kinder to your self. Look up more. God understands.
To have mother who called you Dumb Dora is child abuse, pure and simple. She must be a very damaged person. Possibly abused by her family members.
You should be proud to have overcome that legacy.
You are a hero...mine and that of everyone here.
narcs be like:
"I'm going to miss having you around to blame."
narcs be like:
"Stop whatever you're doing and finish this thing I don't want to do."
Sometimes I loose my reasoning.
I just checked my purchase history for supplements I bought and took around
Last October. I felt so free and at peace. I am thinking it was moringa or
matcha tea. I utube a lot. I know I have depression and other disorders.
THank you so much for the input. I heard you and understand. :)
So many of you are my hero.
You would not believe e the impact you have made in my life and growth.
I am 62 and I want to grow up and be like some you
Sometimes I can hear the voice and feel the knock in my head or the hug.
LIke I felt that you understand from Need.
Gersh I mixed up the depression.
Golden, Glad (3G's) heros
The wisdom love and experience here is awesome God Sent and working in this forum.
So many people go through so much more and through sharing whether similar or not it helps in so many ways.
Oh in my lost post I wrote a book on trying to remember what supplements I was taking around Last October be abuse I was at peace in my heart and mind. It was Matcha tea and moringa. Help depression as usual I felt good and stop. Going to try and get there not to mention the sleepless nights. Also Magnesium glycinate helps my pressure and what I call sleep
So much love in my heart for you all.
My mother kept the front yard nice and pretty. I would spend a lot on Easter and then Mother's day.
Now the neighbor's oak tree has grown over the house and gives beautiful shade in summer but those balls and leaves are horror.
Hopinion the daffodils and hyacinth com back. Hardly see squirrels anymore since covid and the rats. They love tulips.
I am going to try camomile with the matcha and see how I sleep.
Anyways HUGGS and love
Rays of love,healing and peace to us all.
I understand. Sometimes, I will replay tapes in my head too. I say to myself, ‘Why did I do this?’ Or, ‘Why didn’t I do such and such?’
I think all of us have struggled with visiting the past. I had to go to a therapist to help me to sort out my emotions. We all strive to live in peace. For me it took reprogramming.
I had disturbing memories from my youth that I had to face and resolve in my own head. Also, the tough memories of dealing with caregiving for my parents. Personally,, I don’t think anyone has a perfect family.
You’ll get through everything. You know that nothing happens overnight. It takes time.
That’s interesting about the supplements. I don’t take anything but vitamin D. So, I am not very familiar with them.
My daughter loves matcha.
Sending you a bazillion hugs and best wishes.
It’s interesting that you mentioned that you suffer with depression and other disorders. All of these things affect how we process our thoughts.
I had an interesting conversation with my youngest daughter a few days ago.
She has ADHD. She was diagnosed in high school but she believes that she had it long before then.
Children don’t always know how to articulate their feelings. Parents and teachers can miss signs early on too.
She was a very good student and we were surprised when she first told us that she was having trouble focusing in school.
She brought up the possibility of ADHD to us and we made an appointment to have her tested. She takes Adderall to manage her symptoms.
She read a book on ADHD recently. She was telling me about how she enjoyed the book and how it went into detail about the symptoms and it’s similarities to other disorders.
One of the symptoms she truly identifies with is hyper focusing on things. I look back on her behavior and I definitely saw that in her. We just thought she could be a drama queen at times! LOL 😆 She actually did act on stage for awhile.
She was also telling me about the similarities between autism and ADHD. It’s fascinating how people learn coping mechanisms before they are aware of their disorder.
You talk about wanting to be grown up like others but most people have had our struggles before getting settled. It doesn’t really matter if someone achieves their goals a little bit later than they would have hoped to.
My daughter switched her major three times in school! I got to the point where I said, ‘Just pick something and graduate!’ She ended up with a business degree and is doing well.
Duck, we all are a work in progress, and do not doubt that you are making progress.. Allergies getting to me these days but I wanted to share that matcha tea had a high level of L theanine which is calming. You might want to try it again. I have been drinking both green and black teas but I am going to try matcha myself. for the L theanine.
It's hard to accept ourselves when we have been abused as children and calked down frequently. We all have a history of some sort - some better some worse, and we all have genetics, some which work for us and some which work against us. Try to stop beating yourself up. I know with a dysfun fam that is part of the baggage and one we nned to work on.
Barb interesting about the NAC. It's one recommended for CFS/FM.
Need - 2 of my kids and 2 of my grands are ADHD and all very bright I don't know about my middle son. and ADHD. He has been the most successful career wise.
Mom told me she has a couple boyfriends and I did meet one. At a care meeting, their social worker said they are monitoring their activities, But if a room together is requested, they must be given one.
I have gone through one of Dad’s home offices for important papers and such - five file cabinets of paperwork. Getting started with the second office tomorrow. Staples made money off of my Dad, as there is a plethora of manila file folders in various colors, large plastic file carry totes, blank CDs, and other computer equipment!
Yesterday I tried chamomile with the matcha. It works.
I use ltheanine ltrytophan
The relora worked for a while.
Just the chamomile and matcha worked in no time I didn't take my regular benadryl and melatonin.
In the 90's my beloved cousin bought me sleepy time tea that's next .
For now it's the chamomile mix.
NAC is awesome.
I had a terrible wtc cough my client's m
Lung issues after many years.
I took it daily and doubled up with onset of a cold.
The pulmonary doctor with wtc said they must have made a mistake on myfirst Lung scan because there was no sign of polyps or a spot of emphysema.
I have a huge bottle I don't take daily now because it irritates my throat and stomach but no doubt when cold or chill comes or cough.
I tried to get my cousin with Lung cancer to take it
And a friend with severe copd i
That and oregano oil are my main arsenal
Also,
Burdock and mullien root
Love you all. I am preparing my regular salmon and sweet potatoes for my mother. I didn't visit 2 weeks. A battery of tests one week and just plain down and out last week.
Have a beautiful wonderful day everyone.
Rays of love healing and peace to us all
"Why did the narcissist cross the road?
He thought it was a boundary."
boj - good one
Anne - you may not be able to maintain your adulthood without increasing his anger. You are not responsible for his emotions - he is. What may be helpful is to draw boundaries for yourself. Cloud and Townsend have a good book on Boundaries. It is important that you are comfortable on your own skin in your home.
Boundaries don't change the other person, they change you to take protective action for yourself. For example Dad if you are going to get angry with me. I can't talk with you. I'll leave the room and see you later when you are calmer.
I see from your profile you allowed your mother and your father to move in with you. It sounds, understandably, that it is becoming too much for you to care for them. Have you looked into placing them in an facility where they can get professional care 24/7? If your dad can't behave reasonably in your home then an alternative is needed.
Generally it is not wise for a adult offspring of "not good parents" to be their caregiver as it brings up too many hurtful feelings. I and others on this thread understand that well. I see it is happening to you, Not only does it bring up hurts from the past but new hurts keep happeningi f the parent hasn't changed (usually the case).
Medicaid is available for those who don't have funds to self pay. Your local agency for Aging should have some resources/ideas for you.
Wishing you all the best in this difficult journey.
But, it will force me to delete ancient dysfunctional emails from twisted sissies and auntie dearest so they go into the background of my memories as I won't be able to access them any longer.
Troubled middle daughter (TMD) asked last week if I could watch B, 6 yo on Mondays in May so she can go to chorus rehearsal. Tmd's dad will be on vacation most of that month, I outlined what I could do. (This in addition to Tuesdays and alternate Wednesdays)
Late last night I got a text asking can I watch B TOMORROW (IE TODAY) and can I keep her until the trivia night her not dh wants to go to is over.
I pointed out she'd said May. Not this week. Left it there.
No SWOOPING!!
I am caring for him all on my own and it is dreadful. He had a stroke recently, now he has cognitive issues, almost dementia-like. He's not the same man I knew before.
I have never been so stressed and anxious in my entire life. I don't eat properly, I don't hydrate properly, I neglect self-care, I can barely focus on my school work, my sleep which I once cherished is now suffering.
I wish I had some help so I can have a day to recharge myself and release the tension. Asking my family for help is not an option. My father absolutely refused outside help, no PSW, no social workers, no physiotherapists, nothing.
I feel very guilty. His confusion is heartbreaking and I avoid approaching him unless I need to, and I get shaky and anxious when I hear him approaching me. He accuses me of lying all the time. He asks questions that don't make sense. He fidgets around with everything, misplaces items. he's able to dress himself but today, for example, he put on two pairs of pants and two sweaters and laughed about it. I'm glad he has a sense of humour but for me, it's heartbreaking and scary.
Have you considered placing your dad in a facility? I think you realize that this is too much for you. What happens if you collapse? Take care of yourself.
Place your dad, you will no longer have the burden of doing the hands on caregiving. You can be his advocate and visit as often as you like.
Hi,
I don't have the heart to do that. Many years ago when I was only a teenager, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me to never put him "in a home".
Plus, he's still "there" enough to be living at home. I think if he starts to wander and gets lost or starts to have falls, or starts to be unable to climb the stairs, maybe I will consider it. I just have a feeling he will have an emergency health issue before it even comes to that.
I know that it’s hard to do but what about you? You matter just as much as he does.
Things are going to get harder on you, not easier.
Do you have any outside help? Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? If you haven’t, please do. They will do a needs assessment on your father.
They will provide a certain number of hours of help per month. This includes bathing, housekeeping in his room, preparing light meals and so on.
In Sept. my dad had his first stroke because he refused to take his medications. This caused a mild slur, right side weakness, and the beginnings of Vascular Dementia. Debbie was coming out on weekends long before the stroke to help them take care of their house since they weren't able to any more. No one told me this. My dad & Jutta moved 3 hrs away during Covid, so I didn't see my dad as often. I appreciate that she did do a lot for them, but she also spent an enormous amount of time at the casino gambling. The house was horrifically filthy to the point of being a health hazard.... so I'm not sure how much help was happening, but I still appreciate what she did. Steve never helps with anything, ever, but would come visit so he could gamble. After the stroke, I strongly advocated for them to move into a senior community because I also saw that Jutta had full blown dementia, which I didn't know. Dad always said she doing fine. Debbie originally agreed, but then later denied it to Steven. Steven chewed me out w/ nasty phone calls and text messages informing me that I wasn't a part of their family, they would take care of them by coming on weekends and I wasn't welcome there. I warned him that my dad would stop taking his meds again, and then he would have a bigger stroke, or die. If he didn't die, he would be so impacted that he would have to go into full Assisted Living and not an independent senior living community, and we'd have to do it with a gun to our heads w/ no time to plan or adjust to the change. They would not listen. My dad would not even discuss it, and got very angry. I hate to say I gave up, but I had no other choice. My dad is VERY stubborn, and Steve & Debbie were egging him on.
So, my dad had a bigger second stroke six months later, which is this month. He stopped taking his meds again, and would lie to me about it every time I called. Jutta stopped taking hers meds too, and her dementia progressed. My dad now has dysphasia (scrambled words), is very weak, and now has significant Vascular Dementia. They absolutely cannot live on their own, and the doctors all recommend Assisted Living. Sadly, my dad opted not to sign up for LTC insurance (his job offered it), has very little savings and a fixed income... not anywhere near enough to hire a Home Care Aide so they can live at home.
So now the only option to pay for their care is to sell their house, which they own outright, thankfully. I have Medical POA for my dad, and Steven's wife Marianne has Financial POA. I was asked to do financial too, but didn't want to deal with Steven & Debbie. Given both their history, nobody trusted them w/ anything financial. Marianne is a good, stable person who has their best interests at heart, so it made sense. Steven&Debbie are fighting us at every turn about selling the house, even tho it's the only option. They're being very verbally abusive to Marianne and making an overwhelming, bad situation a hundred times worse. Meanwhile they have done zero to help with Jutta & Dad, or even visited him! I think it's about greed. They want to inherit the house. Marianne keeps caving in to keep the peace. I'd be grateful for any advice!!
Can you put the twisted's files on a thumb drive?
barb - good for you keeping your boundaries firm!!!
Caregiver341 - caregivers need to look after themselves too. What changes could you bring about to help you yourself do better? Your dad will only decline so the work of looking after him will increase. You don't have to hold to a promise you made years ago when you did not know what you were getting into. As Need says, "You matter too" - just as much as he does. Please get some help. check with your local Agency for Aging to see if there are resources available ,
Sanity - Sounds like your step-mum and dad are past assisted living and need more care than that. Selling the house and placing them looks like the right thing to do. Limit contact with the toxic people. I mean really limit it. As financial and medical POAs, you and Marianne have the responsibility to do what is right for your dad and his wife and the others have no say in that, nor should they have an information about what you are doing. You don't have to keep them informed or get their approval or agreement. Just do what is right for your dad and step mum and stay away from the others. Block their phone numbers if necessary. Good luck.
Send - why keep them?
Just hoping it's all over for Glad, and she has peace.
But one never knows about twisteds.
I save things if ever I start to doubt myself or my memory that some things happened to me. Fraud, (the twisted) reported to insurance (lying) that I had an accident instead of the truth that heroin addicted daughter had her third + accident.
If it wasn't for Glad, and others sharing, I would still be vulnerable to narcissists, aka twisteds.