notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Getting close to surgery.
I am a bundle of nerves.
Last Sunday night my neighbor called while I was at work stating water was pouring into his basement from my side.
I was unable to leave and
retched out to my sister and nephew in vain to check basement. I sent text and his info. He also kept calling and got voice mail.
After so much worry I got home 2am and all was well, thank goodness.
Glad I had same email issue I tried to save some for legal issues just in case.
Crazy for me to have trouble deleting old stuff. I had use another address and may have deleted the entire old emails on the other.
Ialso wanted to share that after or rather as soon as I paid and got clearance for surgery I became a waterfall, about 2 minutes in I thought I will be brand new and the tears shut down.
I can't wait for this to be over!
I hope you are all well and in good spirits and health.
Rays of love and healing to us all
Sending hugs and prayers your way. Keep us posted please!
I think it's a personal thing. Different for everyone. You are right. Your past is what got you to where you are now and it's valuable in that respect especially if you've learned from it.
I know when my mom died I hung on to insignificant things like the notes the home health people made about my mom in their daily reports, all the receipts I had from when I was my mom's POA and wanted to keep records if anything ever came into question, mom's old prescriptions, you name it. I kind of felt if I threw them away I was throwing her last connections with me and earth away. I even hung on to all the angry e-mails I exchanged with my siblings and believe me there was some anger there.
One day I went through it all and threw it away and it was cathartic. It was a personal growth experience for me. But I don't think it's wrong for you or anyone to hang on to that sort of stuff if you feel it's a kind of legacy. I still have all the b'day cards from my mom, knick knacks, etc. Things from happier times when she was thriving and healthy. But as for the stuff from less happy times? I just think it was freeing to dispose of it.
I hope this helps.
Hi Itsme, Welcome back. I don't know what there is understand about why people act differently. For example some get rid of all the clothing of a loved one who has passed right away and some hang on to things for a long time. and some are in between.
There is no right or wrong in that, just what works for the person, If you want to hang on to things, that's OK. If someone else wants to get rid of them, that's OK too. We all handle loss differently. I don't think it is necessarily an inability to move forward. In any case it is their choice. I don't think either way is necessarily unhealthy.
I dealt very differently with my son's things after he died than I did with my mothers things after she died. I hung onto more of my son's things longer than I did with my mother's. The relationships were very different. Now years later I haven't kept much from either of them but my memories of them are intact.
I have liked to keep a very few things from family and friends who have passed but eventually have recycled some of them. As you get older more and more people pass and you have less and less space to store stuff.
"I'm wondering if someone could help me understand a different way of thinking because I recently learned some people can't keep emails, notes or msgs around even if they aren't toxic. If they moved on from a relationship, any past correspondence, no matter how benign or non-toxic, somehow affects them and they have to discard it. It's as if they can't separate themselves without burning up any memory of the person including any record of communication!"
"Can anyone explain this? Is it an inability to go forward and incorporate past experiences and people as part of their history? Is it healthy? I'd like to understand this thinking because I was surprised."
Itsmehere, I was surprised to read the above. I may interpret your words differently than what you actually mean. However, for me the opposite is true.
Needing to hold on to insequential things from the past to me is an "inability" to let go, a symptom of hoarding. The past lives in my memory. I keep some pictures, but I don't need much else unless they have practical usefulness.
Having said that, I myself have a lot of old stuff that I need to go through and throw out. I don't have the time or motivation to do. And when I do find time and motivation, I go through each thing and find myself not wanting to part with them for one reason or another. I don't like when I do that. Each time I was able to clean out, give away, get rid of things no longer needed, it felt good.
Maybe I'll do a bit of cleaning out and getting rid of some more stuff later tonight.
I tend to see thing as you do, that hanging on too much - whatever that is - may be a sign of unresolved grief. On the other hand the extreme of not wanting anything at all and tossing it all away quickly may be a sign of unresolved feelings of some kind too. Sounds like anger to me which can be part of grief too. Any extreme may point to grief that needs some help.
My surgery has been postponed.
I devastated I cried hard.
My son came.
It was so wonderful with him here.
I felt safe. His support and understanding was awesome.
I feel that all was for the best. The doctor apologized I went through so much anticipation and anxiety real heavy before so the let down wore me out.
Well good news is I finally got a raise. 6 dollar increase which kinda says underpayment. Agency work can be lowest rate on the totem pole.
THank you all for the support.
So much more to share. I started post on Wednesday day after I was to have surgery and lost it I guess for the better.
So much love in my heart for you all!
((((HUGGS))))
Rays of Love, healing and blessings to us all.
So sorry that your surgery is postponed. That’s hard. We psych ourselves up for surgery. Experiencing a delay is agonizing.
Please keep us posted on any updates. Hugs!
Wishing you a Happy Mother's Day and better health ahead!
Re: keeping email. And beyond. I’ve noticed soooo many “You’ve been doing it all wrong!” videos and memes and, frankly, they bug the manure out of me! The right answer is whatever you’ve been doing. The older I get (and I’m amongst the younger here) the more I acknowledge my own tendency to overthink things that have neither a right nor wrong answer. Just as decorating style (like minimalist vs maximalist) is personal. Hoarding is a dangerous extreme, but so is denial of comfort.
If you’re saving anything for legal reasons, consider printing and filing or saving to a memory stick in a universal format. (Then delete them if you wish.) For that inevitable day when your hard drive goes “Kablooie!”
re emails that need saving, we now have the cloud which is handy. I have saved some things on an external hard drive and I keep two laptops going so when one dies I have the other as a back up.
Happy Mother's Day everyone, in case I forget tomorrow! I know there are mixed feelings around that day for many of us.
I think that purging is a good thing. If you were in a lousy relationship, why would you keep anything related to that relationship (other than any children of course). For me it was how I moved on. Personal emails I answer and delete. My memory box has gotten smaller and smaller over the years. I think I am down to a shoebox and that is not full. My Moms life is in one file box and I am going to be going thru that now she has been gone over 5 years. There are some things I will keep. Hoping to do a scrapbook of her life. I have photos that are 100 yrs old or more. Tin types I want to keep.
From the NAMI.org website:
["Each illness has its own symptoms, but common signs of mental illness in adults and adolescents can include the following:
Excessive worrying or fear
Feeling excessively sad or low
Confused thinking or problems concentrating and learning
Extreme mood changes, including uncontrollable “highs” or feelings of euphoria
Prolonged or strong feelings of irritability or anger
Avoiding friends and social activities
Difficulties understanding or relating to other people
Changes in sleeping habits or feeling tired and low energy
Changes in eating habits such as increased hunger or lack of appetite
Changes in sex drive
Difficulty perceiving reality (delusions or hallucinations, in which a person experiences and senses things that don't exist in objective reality)
Inability to perceive changes in one’s own feelings, behavior or personality (”lack of insight” or anosognosia)
Overuse of substances like alcohol or drugs
Multiple physical ailments without obvious causes (such as headaches, stomach aches, vague and ongoing “aches and pains”)
Thinking about suicide
Inability to carry out daily activities or handle daily problems and stress
An intense fear of weight gain or concern with appearance"]
The support over the years on this thread has been helpful to so many.
Apparently, they're called adrenaline junkies. They crave the adrenaline rush. It's similar to being addicted to drugs.
The point I want to make, is that I think dysfunctional people are similar. (I personally, luckily, don't have such people in my life). How ever you want to call them (dysfunctional...nasty...mean...toxic...abusive...narcisisstic...), these toxic people get a rush (an adrenaline rush) from creating drama, from arguing, from creating conflict, from putting you down, from terrorizing you, from abusing you, from making you worry, from stressing you out.
It's similar. It's an adrenaline rush, which makes them feel alive. They crave that adrenaline rush, and therefore keep doing it again and again.
They avoid humans if at all possible and keep the detrimental bugs in check, I had one that lived in my garage for years and never even had one cobweb or evidence of any bugs, which is amazing, considering I live in the middle of the desert.
OK, I’m glad I got that all off my chest.
As for anyone facing dysfunctional people, keep your head up, and try to stay away from them. They have a mean streak, and will try to take you down.
Now it’s time for my cloud (I have a cloud that follows me around) and I to take a look what’s in the fridge. Time for breakfast! :)
I was grateful it wasn't rattle snake, my neighbor had one that enjoyed hanging out in her skimmer basket. I still stomp on the lid and listen before I open it, I do not like those kind of surprises. :-)
Years ago my husband occasionally traveled to Venezuela. Oh gosh, back then (80’s) airline perks were fabulous! His job required him to travel about 80 percent of the time. We were young, both working full time, no kids yet, so it was fine.
He would stay in Venezuela for a month or more before returning home. He enjoyed lounging by the pool in his hotel on the weekends. He was quite startled to see that large iguanas also liked hanging out by the pool!
He said that the constant travel grew old but it was part of his job at the time.
The silver lining was that the airline perks were so good that we had many almost free vacations due to his numerous international flights throughout the years.
Cars, hotels, etc. were often included in the perks! With those savings we were able to dine anywhere we wanted since that was our only expense.
He had so many points that we often flew first class! Those super competitive days between airlines have long been over. They were fun while they lasted though.
Today, my cloud and I had breakfast together. Then we watched the news together. And later today, we'll go hiking together. It's a good Sunday. I wish you all a good Sunday!