The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cat,

How sweet that your father donated to Make-A-Wish foundation. Yeah, points were easy to rack up then.

My cloud says:
Tekvah, I hope your day’s OK. Today I feel AAAaaarGGH!

😉

a narc's attitude:
"I got 99 problems and you are all of them."

❤️🙂 i posted this last year. but i want to re-post it. regarding narcs/toxic people:

...you can try grey rock, you can try every technique in the book...
...you can try to show no pain, they'll do it anyway. they know, it hurts.
...and even if you show no pain, your body also knows it hurts. you'll see the stress on your body.
...it's impossible it doesn't affect you.
...IMPOSSIBLE to ignore, because your body is "listening" to the abuse too, it's not just your mind/ears listening.

so, 1st step:

realize the reality:
abuse DOES affect you.
your body WILL BE affected.

next step:

solutions.
like many people, what happens is this:

you help = you saved the situation again, great = the toxic family member continues to abuse you = you need to recover from the abuse = you're depressed = you start to recover = another crisis = you help = you save the situation again, great = the toxic family member...

you see?

ah, there is 1 more IMPORTANT THING, in this cycle.
we get older.

and for us women (many of us are women), it's even more vital:
don't lose time. treasure yourself. you're precious. ❤️🙂

boj - treasure yourself - absolutely. The abuse cycle doesn't end until they die or you change. They won't change and they will keep on abusing you.

I totally agree, it does affect you and you can't ignore it. This is why I have gone n/c with my sister and also why I did caregiving for my mother from a distance and saw her infrequently.

As you get older, the stress takes a bigger toll on your body and your mind.

The solution, IMO, is not to allow the cycle to continue b/c, as you say, you get depressed, you work on building yourself up and then you get slammed again before you have healed - and so it goes. There s no chance of healing when there is continued close contact.

I had to look at what was most important.

Was my health and peace of mind less important than whatever crisis mother was having at the time?

Unequivocally no!

Was me doing whatever she wanted going to make her happy, content, less critical, less abusive?

Unequivocally no!

Was I the only one who could change this situation?

Unequivocally yes!

Greetings everyone..
Good news I qualify for insurance July 1.

Now I can get mental health care and care I need so badly.

Golden, Barb (((Huggs)))
I loved the post about the lizard living in the garage

Loved the cloud nice humor.
Also the post on narcissism and caring for self, dealing with this #@$% and getting older.
Onice upon a time I was not so easily moved to tears.

So I didn't really want to go back to the orthopedic doctor after post phoning my surgery. I believe it was because of my lack of insurance or rather the type and there were a lot of people there for surgery and he chose best paying client.
So now a new road in my journey.
Rats of love healing and peace to us all.

Duck,

That is certainly fabulous news! I’m very happy for you. Therapy is an investment that is definitely worthwhile.

You’ve made a wise choice. I was able to discover important things about myself and others when I went to therapy.

Wishing you the very best as you embrace taking care of your physical and emotional needs. Everyone deserves healing from past experiences and wounds.

Hello.. I'm struggling today. Long story short, I suffer from childhood emotional trauma. It has taken a long time to even admit this because somehow I felt like it was wrong to admit that I suffered from emotional abuse my entire childhood and even continued into adulthood. Now, I'm the primary care giver of the person who mistreated me. I can not afford therapy right now so that makes it super hard to cope. It is severe. For example, I often fear leaving home because in the past he has taken things from my home without asking and given them away so I have often found myself hiding things. But now, I have a new door and I have the only key. My negative childhood has caused me so much pain and I hate it. I want to enjoy life but can't because I feel guilty when I do. I was raised to think it was wrong to have fun and want nicer things. I allowed him to make decisions for me that I should not have because I was afraid of him. Now, I'm having to live with the consequences of those decisions and there is not much I can do. I often find it hard to concentrate because I have flashbacks. I'm 54 and I'm afraid I'm running out of time to have the life I want and deserve.

duck :),

“Rats of love healing and peace to us all.”

i’m sure you meant “lots”.
but your sentence really made me laugh, and i needed that :).

faithfulbeauty,

Wishing you peace as you struggle through this difficult time.

Do you have NAMI in your area? It’s a program that will adjust pricing of therapy visits according to your income.

I meant to say "Rays of love peace and eating to us all"
I am just now signing in to the forum and saw rats in my last post!
I pray you are all well in spirit and health.
I had urinary tract infection at the end of the week my surgery was postponed. Hadn't had this issue since I was a teenager.
I aways remember the first time working in ER that I learned how devastating a UTI can be for elderly after ruling out possibilities for why this person was presenting a possible stroke it turned out to be a UTI.
Then I got the boil issue and after trying to curr myself via herbs and supplements I ended up at doctor and had it drained and a script for antibiotics.
I am fine now Praise God.
So much love and gratefulness to you All in this forum.
Rays of love light healing and peace to us all.

Duck,

Sending rays of love and light back to you. Glad you sorted out your boil issue.

Greetings everyone!
Happy Father's Day to all the fathers on-board.
Amazing after 41 years I still have tears in my heart for my father.
I am coping well these past few days.
Even though there are some issues.
I hope you all are well in good spirits.

Golden I pray all is well. I pray all is well with your family.

I always hold on to something one of my heroes here advised me to remember. "Still I rise." Mya Angelo. Deep powerful meaning.

No matter how bad and painful and constant the pain or trial is. The Father is always near and here with us working on it in ways we ne er know.
I always see down the line somewhere that He was there and working all along through this forum, through the angels on board, through the posts we share. Through the laughs and smiles I get from posts. Through the beauty of nature and everything.

When I'm out I try to put out positive energy when it's returned I feel so much stronger. Most times it is.
Rays of love healing and peace to us all.

🥰 wise words…

“If you didn’t come from a healthy family, make sure a healthy family comes from you.”

Duck, I will always miss my dad and my mom’s dad. He was an amazing grandfather.

Rays of love back to you!

I always miss my dad and my mother's father - the one grandfather I knew. They are never far from my thoughts.

Duck, I am glad that you are coping well despite there being issues. There always are issues for us to deal with. It's a matter of dancing in the storm! 💃🌦

Yes, the Father is always near us -as near as we are to Him.

🙂🙂❤️

"BREAKING NEWS!
You’re super cute.”

a toxic person's apology:
--sorry i got caught...
--sorry you won't let this go and put it in the past...
--sorry i have to pretend to care i hurt you...
--sorry i have to spend time fixing my reputation...
--sorry the attention is not on me right now while i have to stop and comfort you because of what i did...
--i said i was sorry, can't you stop talking about it?...it's all your fault we can't get past this.

"The problem with being empathetic
is that you feel sorry for jerks/narcs/toxic people, too."

Greetings everyone!

I just had a terrible scare. A call from the nursing home about my mother having a bed sore and it was resolved.

The fear and relief sent me into a crying spell.
Its weird I was in that rare space where I'm not reliving ugly and negative self talking. I've prayed and plan to fight the possibility of going into that dark place of sadness.

TRuth be told it is here where I get its going to be alright. I not asking just sharing this realization. Which is why I thank God for this entire forum and angels.

Good news is my health insurance kicks in this week so I'm looking forward to getting help with my issues.

I hope you are all well and in good spirit. Fighting the good fight.
Rays of love, peace and healing to us all. (((HUGS)))

Duck,

Happy to hear that your health insurance kicks in soon. Take care of yourself.

My mom had a bed sore too. She sat in the recliner all day long. It was treated too but never completely went away.

I hope your mom won’t have ongoing issues with bedsores. Their skin becomes so fragile as they age. My mom lived to be 95.

Rays of love sent back to you.

Interesting. Someone on the internet wrote: “Narcs probably all live to their 90s. They save a lot of energy being so selfish all the time.”

And: “I hate my dad. I hate all abusers. I hate all your abusive parents. None of us deserve this.”

And: “Nmom is now 94. It's true. I think the fact they don't have anxiety and worry like normal people, or guilt, extends their lifespans.”

And: “It’s because horrible people externalize instead of internalize. They use people to purge out toxic stress out of their bodies, unlike a person who turns it inward through self-destructive behaviors that wear out their bodies.”

verystressedout,

I refer to people like you are describing as energy vampires. They drain all of your energy and they become energizer bunnies!

So sorry that you are dealing with this.

Just checking in.

Rays of love peace and healing to us all.

Duck, hope all is well. You have insurance now?

This is a great place to vent and learn.
Like a lot of people here, I don't know of any family that doesn't have issues, no matter how great they look on the outside.
I came to AgingCare as my narcissistic father's health started to decline.
What I notice here is a lot of the "scapegoat" children end up as carers and the "golden child" is far away, too busy, too important to help out.
Is this because we hadn't learnt boundaries or because we wanted one last chance to prove our worth or is it because we are more than the sum that made us and we couldn't help but care?
I don't know, I'm still learning here.
What I can say is I learnt about setting and keeping boundaries from the advice I received here, I found books such as "The Body Keeps the Score" here, I realised that how I was portrayed in the family wasn't true, it was just a dynamic and I sought help from psychologists and therapist after my "Ah ha!" moments.

hello everyone, I pray you are doing well considering the dysfunctional family. I haven’t posted in a while since having pt. It’s been a busy summer I hope everyone is well

Hey Sharyn, good to see you on here!

I'm limiting contact left right & centre with those that present danger to me right now. Those that either drain my emotional resources, attempt to control or manipulate.

I find there are some situations I can avoid altogether. There are others it would appear rude not to attend but with 'a good reason' I can still limit time spent or leave early. Using a Grey Rock Lite approach. Keep to safe topics. Keep my guard up at all times.

It's tiring. Wearing a mask to hide my disdain. Feigning friendliness.

Just walking along.
Trying to see the holes in the road ahead before I fall in one. Choosing each step wisely so not to be thrown off balance.

To all those travelling on our own roads today - be of good cheer & remember to look up now & then! See how lovely the sky can be. Whether sunny, cloudy, stormy... The sky is always changing.

I hear you, and I agree with you, Beatty. Continue your approach!

“I'm limiting contact left right & centre with those that present danger to me right now. Those that either drain my emotional resources, attempt to control or manipulate.”

That goes for online people, too.

Draining people have a huge effect on our health. Keep away.

One might only see the effect years later. Better safe than sorry: preventative approach: keep away.