notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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"I can't keep calm, my family is crazy."
“Un-drama yourself. Be who you were before all that drama happened which distracted you from who you really are and what you really want for your life.”
I wish that were possible, but I don't remember back that far to before I was 10.
I'm glad to have closure on a statement from a person who hurt me deeply a long, long time ago. No therapist has been able to decode this, but now I know. It never struck me as an ok statement; my reaction was shock and I shut down. Here's the clarifying closer via a retired pastor friend. "Their speech was a standard denial of responsibility often offered by abusers who have been abused."
That's similar to my feeling, that the bullies are hurting more than the bullied, inside. That why they bully to find away to make them feel bigger, because they are small people.
I read that over a few times & feel it's wisdom.
I get your point, but I don't think that I'd ever say the abuser hurts worse than the victim. To me, that's almost a more covert way of saying what my abuser said to me, that their abuse which caused mine hurt them worse than my experience of their abuse of me which they excuse on their past, as heard in their saying that they could not help it, but they knew it would create a lifetime of pain for me.
We must each take responsibility for our own choices instead of living as an eternal victim which excuses us from personal accountability, keeps us glued to the past, and never allows us to be free in the present or the future.
Yes, abusive people hurt as do those they abuse. However, it is not up to the abused to heal the abusers. The abusers need to take responsibility for themselves and find healing for themselves.
Sorry about preaching to the choir, but I am on a roll tonight and will calm down.
I use that thought for myself to just walk away from these toxic people and to forgive them so I can let go of the resentments, and anger, for me to be a healthier person.
"Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of an un-lived life."
"Stop wishing. Start doing."
imagine we all changed our screen names!
we’d be called
ihatecaregiving3
…4…5,008…19,765…
Seven needed dynamics to listen as one who understands instead of listens to respond.
1. Be healed enough from one's own past trauma that what you hear does not trigger you or cause you to react with anger if they don't share their story just the way you want them to say it. To do so is a major act of invalidation.
2. Suspend judgment so that the person feels that you are safe.
3. Even when their story is so foreign to your life experience that it is difficult to understand, be empathetic instead of drilling them on why not handle it differently.
Over time as more people share their story or the same person shares more of their story, you will come to understand what you didn't understand before.
Be patient and be willing to live with the complexity of not fully understanding a person's story. Empathy and validation are far more important to the person talking!
4. Consider what the person has shared with you a priceless gift for you to protect with the utmost privacy. Remember, you aren't them and you weren't there.
5. Don't fret over feeling overwhelmed or fearful in the moment for it's part of the experience when another person fully opens their soul to another. Some of that feeling will linger at times but that is normal.
6. Never, divulge what you are told to someone nor throw it back in the person's face.
7. Remain humble for you are not alone as a listener. There is always more room for growth.
For many, I'm preaching to the choir, but it bears repeating from time to time. We all, myself included, must continue to become good listeners.
"Don't die before you're dead."
And so true bundle
🙂🙂 "Calm
is just a chocolate bar away."
Love all those wisdom tidbits!
"I'm sorry if I behaved in a way that made you think I should apologize."
"Whenever the brain and the heart fight, it's always the liver that suffers."
“Enjoy life. There’s plenty of time to be dead.”
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
“Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after.”
For another to do more than tolerate it. More that enable it.
To believe it. Then try to convince others too.
*Flying monkey* I suppose..?
Shared delusions??
So in the context of that quote, are you saying to drill them on why they did not handle it differently?
Ever hear "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care"?
Anyhow, I wrote about listening to understand first, not what to do after listening. Most of us don't listen to understand, we listen to respond.
Controlling behaviour, OCD, maybe gaslighting to keep others on shifting ground and undermine their confidence.
I would say that's being a good "Priest", "Clergy", maybe even a good Saint.
(Bad job descriptions, all, imho)
But even my psychologist (the one who REALLY helped) said to me first session "You will not find me to sit by silently listening to the same story over and over again while my hand reaches for your cash. I WILL be a participant in our sessions".
And was she EVER.
She shook my world.
She picked me up and gave me a good shaking and set me back down to think about it for a week.
I got told "You have told me that story. I don't want to hear about R______, again. (My ex, who was the person I THOUGHT I was there about). I want to know what's your PLAN".
She confused me. She angered me.
SHE MADE ME THINK.
I honestly don't think that we do people any favor listening to the same stories over and over, giving validation (and for WHAT), giving our sympathy? They might as well be talking to the WALL. And I am often certain that they DO. They MARINATE in it, to use Dr. Laura's phrase--and lordy, I wouldn't tell that good woman not to be judgemental.
I am the mean girl here I guess. I honestly think the only way to make us THINK is to rattle us a bit, get us shaken out of the same old HABITS and paths that lead us inexorably to our doom over and over and over again. Notice some women choose the same abuser over and over and over again? Just in a different skin? There's a reason for that. And they get a payoff for it as well. They remain the victim. People don't request strength from them. They are sheltered and slathered with our sympathy. They have to take no risks. They decide on the punishment-reward quotients and make their choices.
WE ALL MAKE OUR CHOICES.
I am NOT nonjudgemental. In fact I judge EVERYTHING from what to wear as a sweater to when to cross the street to whether someone is a bad person, a good person, a needy person, a dangerous person. I use my judgement every single day in every single way.
Can I be wrong? Oh! You BETCHA. I can be real wrong. And when I realize I am I own it. And hopefully I learn from it. And when I don't recognize it, then I guess that's a shame. Life's full of tragedy. It isn't all about our happiness. Some of it is about how tough it can be.
Truth is I don't do the buzzword--to my mind-- of "don't be judgmental". I just heard two women walking together down Sanchez yesterday, one saying "Well..............we don't want to be judgeMENTal". What does that MEAN? A way of say "That's messed up but we shouldn't say so?".
I Just need an interpretation app on my phone anymore to try to figure out what anyone is trying to say about anything. Alas. Getting old. 81. As the old Irish nurse said "Things change one coffin at a time". Mine's popping up here anytime now.