notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
I am an introvert. I used to use humor as my ice breaker. But since my mom died and all I went through with my family I find my humor has gone the way of the dodo bird. I just feel sad all the time lately. My mom has been gone 9 years and yet it still feels like yesterday.
Wanting to get out and be around people would help but when I'm in new situations I can't fit in with humor anymore so I end up just feeling awkward and misunderstood. Lately I've been feeling like my adolescent self. I wasn't a happy kid. Just awkward and self conscious. I managed to conquer this in my late twenties and right up to my fifties. Now in my sixties I'm back to feeling lost and alone. I'm not saying all introverts feel lonely but I bet a lot of them do.
I've tried counselling. It just doesn't work for me. Maybe I haven't found the right person. But I get what you say when you say this world is not your home. Not exactly how you expressed it but it's how I feel.
Thanks!
I'd just add this. Dad's need to play with their children, boys and girls, from when they are very young on. In return, your adult children, will make time for you. This was my dad's philosophy and approach.
One doesn't always have to be doing the same game, but being there, showing interest, supporting them and afterwards take them out to eat and share a bit. And I might add, when a medical need comes up or even something as simple as discovering the need for eyeglasses at the Lion's Club bus, be the one who either takes care of it or takes the lead in making sure it is resolved.
Thanks!
I'd also add this.
2. No matter how much your wife, current or ex, criticizes you, avoid doing the same to them, particularly in front of the children. My dad lived by this one as a single-parent dad. If you are able, help the child validate and work through their emotions to give them some emotional freedom. Your children might thank you for that much later, but they often will with ways that don't always use those exact words, but you will get it.
I suspect that I will get quieter as more years go by for I've already announced to immediate and extended family members that I'm no longer attending large gatherings of people where there will be a lot of noise and when someone is up to speak, I can't hear even with my hearing aids on. It's not worth it.
Depending on who outlives who, I can see myself and whoever is still alive being able to just sit and enjoy each other's presence for however long and however often, speaking very few words given how much we have talked in the past. If my wife dies first, I will not marry despite her claim that I will marry her twin who with me finds that idea laughable. We are too much alike and thus, would destroy each other as a married couple. Neither of us will have any of this future casting.
“It isn’t the ups and downs that make life difficult. It’s the jerks.”
“We don’t devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.”
You profile doesn't say anything so hard to help you , but just to let you know vent anytime
“Friendship is a widely underrated medication.”
“Therapy is helpful…But screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper.”
I've always suspected, but hearing rumors.
Alva, one coffin at a time! 🤣
But NOT yours YET. Take your break if you want (I should too). Come back revived 🥰
Nacy, ex & bro? That's like Game of Thrones messed up! 🫨
Now what you said here:
"I also feel like people with high anxiety can use it to control people".
THIS is EXACTLY what is happening in my family! Covers what I meant in my 'pedantic habit' comment.
A couple im friends with went to a brewery and they where there. My ex commented about a hot girl , I guess my brother was noticable upset, and mad and stormed off to the bathroom.
Also my brother has never had a girlfriend at 50 years old has never dated.
So I don't know what's going on but your right Beatty this is G,O.T disfunktion
I have learned that sometimes, people might inadvertently invalidate what another person is going through in their effort to be helpful.
"If I had to choose, though, I’d prefer that to the people who feel like we’re in competition and they need to one-up me all the time.
Your pain is yours. It’s personally tailored to you. And while our respective life tapestries might have threads from the same place, the designs are vastly different and can’t be compared."
I was out to lunch with a friend, we where sharing x husband horror stories. She told me one, I told her another, her mouth hang down, she said to me I'm so sorry, I'm complaining about my life and yours was so much worse.
I said to her, NO! No one's pain is worse than another's. Pain is pain and not to be compared. Your story is your pain
Is that what you mean?
“Banging your head against the wall feels good when you stop.”
Anymore. It has consumed my everyday life. Any advice? Also It is very hard to get a parent intoI to skilled nursing facility. Medicaid will say that she is not sick enough.
“Smile at strangers and you just might change a life.”
She empathized with your pain.
Someone who invalidates your pain will say something like if you think that's bad, you should hear my story or something like I have my own problems. A person who is trying to compete with your pain is never empathetic. No, they try to put your pain down as they push theirs up.
She was doing the opposite by being empathetic
It is sad that she felt the need to put herself down which struck me as signifying that she didn't really hear what you were saying about pain doesn't need comparing for each person's pain is their pain. I think she's had experiences in the past when upon sharing about her pain someone competed with it and thus made her feel put down.
The book below comes with many recomendations on the forum. I finally read it last year & am so glad I did.
Never Simple: A Memoir, by Liz Scheier
"Never Simple is the story of learning to survive―and, finally, trying to save―a complicated parent..."
But also about how it is ok to stop.
If poa bro calls she will say everything is good, and if I tell him he won't believe me.
I feel so trapped, I want away from POA brother and his "best friend" my ex . But I can't just abandon mom.
I know what I've got to do. I've had enough lesson from all of you amazing people. I'm just venting and processing
“Some people are mad at you because you aren’t suffering, and they want you to.”
Actually today I'm seeing much humor in the fact that my brother and my ex, sit around gossiping about me , like my life is so darn boring, why is it not boring to them. Actually makes me feel a little special (lol) that I'm a topic anyone's conversation
And as for my brother and ex, I want them to be happy. Who knows what there relationship is, it doesn't matter to me. I want them happy, just without me. I truly believe my brother is gay , and it's sad that he feels he has to live a double life. No wonder he is so darn miserable
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.
“If you’re reading this, I hope something great happens to you today.”