Tired of being tired.
Haven't posted for awhile and my reason is because I figured you all were tired of hearing me complain about my situation and I do not really make any changes, but now I have to spill out to vent to someone. I know my husband is tired of me complaining about my mom and so am I. Why and what is wrong with me. Why did I in the first place think this would be ok. How stupid I loved my job to late fr that now and tired of mom saying mean to put her in home. Oh no couldn't say anything like she would understand I'm tired need to tak care of things I have put off for so long now. Not paying bills just stare at walls even when suppose to be taking care of mom I can't in morning I lay and hurt a lot especially legs forget heart think that is hardening up and why don't I want anyone to hug me or touch me. I used to be so much outgoing and like people. Now, all I want to do is go in a corner make sure dark corner and put blanket over me and sleep. I'm already on medication feel no hope really it's not what is the sense anymore to wake up and take a shower and look out door. 14 years life gone and now all in my 50s just watching the clock and months pass by like they are nothing.
You know, I could have wrote, and probably did ...the same exact thing you just described about your life as it is right now. The job, the friends, thinking it would be so ;much different...staring at walls, no motivation and...I just turned 50. What the hell kind of life is this?? ... Now that Spring finally sprung here, it changed my mood (again) the past two winters sucked me dry!!...especially since I came to Oregon from South Florida!! I decided this isn't going to get to me, not like my mind wants it to. Nope. I know myself, I know how I get... I also know this is not my mothers fault (least that's what I tell myself cuz at times I do wonder)!! Hey, I get zero help from my 3 older brothers whom mom adoressssssssss (GAG) but... I also know it will not always be this way, I have choices...and I choose to make mom more comfy as well as make ME more happy. If not, neither of us will make it. I'm choosing to make it!! You can do the same. Mind over matter honey...
The only remedy I know for what ails us is to know that we can change the way we feel. It's hard to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, though, when we can't even see our boots. If your medication is not working, perhaps another will. Make yourself get out from under that blanket and into the sunshine. Do some good physical work around the yard. When you're up to it, maybe you can find yourself a job and get someone to help with your mother. You can't go on like this. Your oxygen mask is off, so you need to put it back on yourself before you can help your mother.
Is there a place that would accept your mother for some respite for you? Talk to your husband about your despair and work out a plan for treatment for yourself. I hope you'll be able to see your boots soon, so you can start to pull yourself back up. Life is good. Sometimes being down helps us to see the spiritual side of ourselves more clearly and helps us to feed our souls.
I know suggesting you see a counseler would be adding yet one more thing to your burden, but you might want to get someone to talk to and someone who can help get you directed toward having more to look forward to.
Think of it, this way -- if this has been your life for 14 years, do you want to keep being in the blahs for another 14 years? While the time spent with a counseler is time and money our of your life and budget, think about it as an investiment toward your future.
Also, it's someone to complain to besides your husband and both of you need a break from that.
Another option is to look for a support group. I feel that I'm complaining too much to people around me and having kind of a tough time, so I've found myself a free, monthly support group that I'm going to start, next month.
But if you keep seeing this same pattern in your life, it won't change by doing the same thing.