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A few hours ago, I got a message that the adult granddaughters want to 'do a surprise drive by parade' tomorrow for Mom, their grandmother who is back at home. They did not ask btw how she was doing or about what was scheduled for the day. I suggested the time she is most alert is from 11-1 pm. The afternoon is when she's usually pretty exhausted and napping. A barrage of texts followed unreasonably questioning if it was my schedule or if it was me that did not want a surprise. Not sure what a straight forward time period that works means anything more than a block of time that is best. Usually when someone visits, they ask what time is best I explained quite frankly.


I invited them to visit from the backyard. I didn't get to explain the backyard now looks like a park the kids can now play in and my mother could watch from the living room. Since March while quarantined with mom on home hospice, I've made the best of it by focusing on cleaning up the back yard if I have time. Sitting in her chair in the morning sun is mom's main past time. A little bit each day I pulled weeds and cleared different areas. We watched the fruit trees blossom which was a nice experience. The hospice nurse visits with her and is able to socially distance in the backyard as well. So for this weekend, I planned to have a gardener deliver potted flowers and help finish with the cleanup.


My nieces insisted on the planned drive by. One wanted me to bring my mother out to the front of the house. One niece said I didn't have to be involved. That took the cake. How would a napping 97 year old on home hospice know this parade is taking place or get to the front window I thought. Anyway, my response rained on their parade.


With each communication between two of my nieces and myself. there seems to be a lot of underlying unresolved issues. I realized that it goes back to when their mother, my sister, came to live with me while she was ill and sadly passed. Maybe whatever issue occurred happened prior or my nieces' bad attitudes stemmed from the passing of their mother. One niece blatantly tries to insult me by mentioning that I am an older age than I am. This has happened consistently over the past year. I don't know where this fits into the conversation, so I take it that she feels some hostility. Is this hostility because her mother didn't get to live to old age. The other niece likes to twist what I say to argue some point. It's like watching an argument she is having with herself. In the recent months I've been waiting to let negative feelings toward them pass and I feel sad for them more so than hurt by them. I try to find that unconditional love for my sister's adult daughters because they are a part of her and I fondly remember when they were young. I'm finding it best to ignore each. However, I did sent a message to the one who feels she can verbally be abusive my thoughts on her hostility towards me. I told her she would have to resolve within herself. Last night I finally realized that my grief over my sister won't be made better through her daughters as I'd hope. I have to protect myself from unwarranted negativity because I have enough on my plate.

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Vent away!

My personal thoughts on these celebratory parades is that they are way overdone and are much more about the participant's Facebook posts then they are about there people they are supposed to be honouring🙄. If your mother sleeps through the event they can't say you didn't warn them, on the other hand since they don't seem inclined to reach out to her in a personal way they won't ever need to know one way or the other, will they.
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Cwillie, My community has been having birthday parades once a week. People meet at a community centre and a map is handed out via text. People sign up to have their family member's birthday celebrated and it has been wonderful for young and old.

However, it seems like Pasa's nieces do not fully understand the limitations of their grandmother and past issues are clouding their perspective.

Pasa vent away. I have a vent bubbling in me too. I am waiting to see if anything gets resolved over the next week or so, if not I will be venting here too.
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Pasa, It seems to me your nieces are doing it for fun and show. I would do what you want and what you think is best for your mother. Inviting them in the backyard seems like a good plan while your mom watches from living room. Yes of course you have enough on your plate, and you do not need this kind of drama. Keep you sisters memory close to your heart and do not worry about nieces that are uncooperative, insulting, and quite mean to you. Life is too short for all this negativity they are causing.
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My situation is VERY different in the details, from yours, but the same overwhelming sense of “WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME????” in my case a second POA who writes a check once a month and criticizes from afar.

So we all get what your saying, and I’m sending hugs and affirmations that yes, you are dealing in common sense and yes, they don’t get it.

Just try hard to give yourself a break whenever you can, and don’t let anything that your nieces say get to you.
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Thanks for reading my vent AnnReid. You take care too.
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I'll be the bad guy either way. I'm not the social media fun one. The front of the house looks pretty horrible, so let that go on social media. Mom is reluctant to change clothing and prefers her well worn clothing because it's softer, so I expect some commentary about neglect will come my way.

No they may not know what it takes to take care of someone in decline personally. However, with this virus how can you miss the current state of human suffering. Really it's a game changer and reaches deep inside to pull every bit of empathy and humanity from you at times.
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I have been invited to a drive by and sure it is fun for all. I wasn't invited to this one. I like the idea of a vent bubble. Thanks for your solace.
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Your backyard sounds fantastic! How wonderful that you were able to slowly create an oasis of sun and life and blossoms for your mom, and for other visitors like the hospice nurse.

It's sad that your nieces are so immature and shallow. I have a sneaking suspicion that social media-fueled charity or "good deeds" aren't worth the narcissism they seem designed to encourage.

Whatever happens tomorrow, I hope that you and your mom have a lovely Mother's Day.
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