I answered a NINETY year old man's question and was crucified. What I'm NOT hearing here, is: What if it were YOU facing a nursing home? Put yourself in your spouse's shoes or your mother's shoes. Your spouse who helped you pay the bills for 20 plus years. Your mother who raised you and cared for you and loved you and your children. No one wants to put the shoe on the other foot. Whatever happened to," Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" I don't care what ANYone on this website says. I will NEVER put my husband in a nursing home because I know he would NEVER put me in one. My family and siblings took care of our parents AT HOME until the day they died at 88 and 92. I hate how selfish people in this world have become. I am not judging anyone who does put their loved ones in a nursing home. All I am saying is, I will never do it.
Haha... talk about oxymoron, or is it hypocrisy, or contradiction.
In any case, you are judging. It's not wrong to judge, but you need to put yourself in others' shoes before you judge.
I think most who are married a long time have some regard for their marriage vows. However, promising to care for someone in sickness and in health doesn't necessarily mean doing that hands-on work on your own. CARING should mean ensuring the best care, not just your care.
Placing a loved one in a nursing home is a difficult and painful decision, and you seem to think that that would entail throwing away the proverbial key, too. I disagree, and believe that it frees up the remaining spouse to devote their energy to just love on their family member. That's more helpful than anything in my opinion, but everyone is different.
Have some compassion.
You’re a selfish piece of garbage and I hope you die a long and painful death in the worst nursing the world has to offer.
You deserve every bit the of suffering you are experiencing.
No matter how much we love or care about a person, it is hard work! Also, after years of being a full time caregiver the relationship changes and not for the better.
You need help! No one can take on this kind of responsibility and do it all alone without suffering.
Your husband deserves the best care. Someone who has admitted to being suicidal should not be his caregiver. Please call 988 if you are feeling suicidal.
You can hire additional help or place him in a facility so he can be cared for by professionals that are capable and willing to assist him. Then you can concentrate on your work instead of being miserable.
He can’t help his situation. You can’t help feeling resentful, so what are you going to do about it? Complain or take action? It’s entirely up to you.
By the way, did you read my response to your comment about being crucified? No one is crucifying you. No one is looking for an argument.
We are able to see the writing on the wall. You are going to burn out if you continue to try and care for your husband all by yourself.
I have also put in writing that my kids should find a care solution for me if I ever need it. I will never put them in that situation, having to decide if they should care for their own kids or parent, have financial security or care for someone who needs help beyond what they can provide.
If anyone ever questions/judges me, I realize that they are either lucky they aren't in my position or just ignorant. I hope you are one of the lucky ones.
And now my father has every whim taken care of! They take him to the exercise room every day. He goes swimming some days. He wants to meet up with his new friends? He just walks to the lounge room or court yard by himself. It's like a resort. The best thing? There is always someone there 24/7 who is caring and competent. No worries if he falls or needs anything.
As much as I was sick over him going in I would be a lot sicker now if he left to live alone again!
You bring up an important point. Socialization is extremely important. I’m glad that your father is happy in his assisted living. It’s so nice that he has a pool to swim in. Many assisted living facilities are like resorts.
When you are calmer we could have a proper conversation.
No-one can be 100% sure of what they will/won't do.
That doesn't sound like a recipe for giving your spouse "good" care.
Have you looked into hiring in-home health care? Or finding a different nursing home? Good nursing homes DO exist.
Reba, one more question. And I DO expect an answer. Do you think I should have put my three children in foster care so I could spend 24/7 as required to care for my mother?
I’m sure that every person on this forum has empathy for you in regards to your struggles as a caregiver.
We also relate to your husband’s struggles as a person in need of care.
Do you understand that the life of a caregiver is equally as important as the life of a person who needs care? This isn’t a competitive situation, where one person wins and the other person loses.
A truly harmonious relationship happens when both parties are satisfied, meaning that the person in need of care receives adequate support and care and the caregiver becomes free from the burden of caregiving and is able to visit their loved one in a facility as their spouse, child, niece or nephew, or grandchild.
No one is taking sides here. We see the validity of each person’s side. We are on your side and your husband’s side.
On the other hand OP, you wrote "I'm damn near suicidal. If I didn't have my son to help me, I'd check myself out."
So.......
you have a son who helps care for your husband. You don't do it alone. How can you talk about people who're caring all alone for their spouse or parent?
You have a very fortunate situation that you're not alone caregiving.
Also from your profile, your husband WAS in a NH for a few months. You see? You needed the NH for your husband for a while.
Many adult children caring for their parents are elderly themselves or they have their own health issues, or the parents are abusive.
In a perfect world sure all elders would be cared for at home. But this isn't a perfect world and people do the best that they can.
No one likes change but change and death are the only guarantees in life.
Your point about change is spot on. The one constant in our lives is that it is always changing. Circumstances change and we must adapt.
NO ON HERE has exactly the RIGHT SOLUTION(S) FOR ANYONE ELSE.
Generalities formed by opinion are NOT the solution to everyone’s care needs.
The LO for whom I am in the process of completing care took care of HER mother for the last 5+ years of her life, while simultaneously working in a full time, very difficult profession, sleeping intermittently because of her mother’s daily disrupted sleep, juggling caregivers canceling at the last minute, coming in and out, and all the other “inconveniences” of caring for a totally disabled woman in a house with one difficult to access bathroom.
MY LO was left, following her LO’s death, with premature kidney disease, high blood pressure, glaucoma, PTSD, and an inability to enjoy the retirement that she’d earned.
The final result of this self imposed, unavoidably unhealthy lifestyle became what resulted in a protracted but tragically uncomfortable death.
I WILL NOT DO THAT TO MY CHILDREN.
Even if either or both of them mistakenly CHOSE to impose my 24/7 care on themselves, they know already that I absolutely totally reject this misplaced offer.
My care, MY DECISION, and one that should be made BEFORE cognitive failure disrupts the decision making of the person needing care.
In a “perfect world”, dependent people with deteriorating cognitive skill would be cared for SAFELY and HUMANELY, whatever the appropriate site was deemed to be.
When “home” ceases to be meaningful in a brain impaired by dementia, other options can become more appropriate.
My LO, whom I loved as dearly as my mother, could NEVER have been cared for as safely and carefully in her home OR MINE, as she was in the fine care center where my own mother had died several years before.
The decision is often hard and unpleasant, but “I’d never put him/her in a home” is as pointless as “Let’s put Grandpa on an ice flow and send him out to sea”.
I'm not referring to caregiving. I mean that as a general statement.
Sometimes posters think this forum is the Martyr Selection Committee.
Reba, I think your feelings come from a good place, a good heart. But sometimes, a facility is necessary. "Never" and "always" are big words. Like "never placing in a facility". It's a case by case situation, where every case might be different.
Reba, I think it's great that all your siblings also helped your elderly parents. I hope some of your siblings were male; that would make me even happier.
The bigger issue you have is that you say you are suicidal and exhausted .
Get more help coming in to help take care of your husband before it kills you and then your son is left to deal with this himself. I ask you , do you want your son exhausted , suicidal and feeling like he is to never put your husband in a nursing home? Are you willing to sacrifice your son’s life ? Do you expect your son to sacrifice his life taking care of possibly both you and your husband when something happens to you ? There is more than one way to make sure people are taken care of. None of the ways are perfect, easy or selfish. What is selfish is expecting someone to care for them in a certain way , therefore causing guilt and possibly detriment to the caregivers health and mental health. A caregiver should be supported by having options that will keep both the caregiver and caregivee healthy .
When someone comes to this forum in the distress that you describe , it’s very logical for people to try to give you advice on how to save your life . Many guilt ridden people in distress like you come here looking for permission to put a family member in a facility.
Anyone that is or was a caregiver for a loved one knows that it's the hardest job in the world hands down. And then you add the stress of every day life on top of it and it can be a recipe for disaster if you're not careful.
The most important thing I learned on my 24 1/2 year caregiving journey with my husband(who had a massive stroke at the age of 48 and didn't die until the age of 72)was that I mattered too. It took me a while to learn that, but once I did I made sure that I was doing things that I enjoyed and was making sure that I was making time just for myself.
Caregivers have a 63% higher mortality rate than non-caregivers, and 40% of caregivers caring for someone with dementia will die before the one they're caring for from the stress.
Are you wanting to be one of the folks in those statistics? I sure hope not, as I'm sure your son would like to have you around for a while.
And just a friendly reminder....there is only one Savior and His name is not Reba63.
P.S. I did keep my husband at home until his death in 2020, and was grateful that I could. But not everyone is in a position to do so, nor should they. It really does come down to what is not only best for the person being cared for but also what is best for the one caring for them, as again both parties matter.
I hope and pray that you will get more in-home help if you plan on keeping your husband at home and that you will take time away just for yourself so you can find your joy again.
God bless you.
Flash forward 30 years and she is rapidly burning her 'kids' out. She's 92, her kids ar 75, 71 and 67. They are not spring chickens. DH and his brother both have multiple health issues. Does she even THINK about them?
Nope, not for one second.
Is she grateful to them for essentially putting their lives on hold for the next--maybe 6 months? No.
She's angry, combative and mean. (This is not new behavior). She is on 3 different benzos to keep the anger under control. She won't eat, drink or follow instructions.
DH is beginning week 3 of this madness. If we weren't leaving town for a long weekend this coming w/e, I think he would have a nervous breakdown.
Last week there was 'talk' of placing her, as her needs are growing exponetially as she gets weaker and weaker. IDK what happened in that conversation, but they didn't place her or even make any attempt to do so.
These 'kids' have put their mother's wants and needs ahead of their own and certainly to the detriment of their marriages. DH has often asked me if I had known how bad she was going to be, would I have married him. I probably answered a little too quickly--"Absolutely NOT". And I had been warned by a LOT of people who knew her that she was a harridan and would hate me for marrying her son. And they were all correct.
It hasn't ruined our marriage, but it has definitely been the #1 thing we 'argue' about--altho we don't really argue. What's the point?
People certainly can be selfish. In this case, it's the one who needs all the care. The CG's are killing themselves caring FOR her. So, yeah, people can be selfish. It goes both ways.
You state that "you're not judging anyone" - but, in essence, it sounds like you are - especially referencing that "you hate how selfish people have become." - and it's in regard to people making other care giving decisions than yours.
But you said if your son wasn't helping, then "you'd be insane by now and suicidal" - not everyone has a support system to help as you do. There are many factors to consider when providing the best level of care for a family member. I just think every situation is so different, and sadly I feel that your post can cause others to unnecessarily feel guilt for taking a different route that may, in essence, be the best for a family member and their own well being.
But I hope you find support & the help you need somewhere.
I wish we had the chance to talk, to really hear each others views. It would hopefully make a difference. Grow some empathy & understanding.
Saying yes to being a fulltime caregiving to one person has consequences. It may mean saying no to caregiving others.. I found that. The message was 'Family helps Family'. Yet how could it work if I left paid work? Left my husband with sole financial burden for our children? Left our children unsupervised & without?
Not everyone has the health themself to be a caregiver, or wealth to leave a paid job.
Alternatives thankfully exist. No man (or woman) is an island.