What if it was YOU?

Reba; what I posted was meant to be kind. Your profile sounds like a cry for help.

I will post what I wrote again in case you missed it.

"Reba, you say in your other answers that you are caring for your spouse, are suicidal and have major health issues.

That doesn't sound like a recipe for giving your spouse "good" care.

Have you looked into hiring in-home health care? Or finding a different nursing home? Good nursing homes DO exist."

"If It was me" - I plan ongoing into a nursing home if/when I need that level of care. And before that I plan in going into assisted living, again if/when I need the help. My family knows my wishes and supports them. I would never want nor ask my family to do caregiving that causes them harm in any way. I am 85 so this is very real to me.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

Absolutely!

I choose to relieve my children of the burden of hands on caregiving me, as my mother did for me. My mother chose assisted living and then an NH as she needed them. She was well cared for by trained staff in shifts whose job it was to care for her and who had the resources to do so without exhausting themselves emotionally and physically.

If you needed care, would you really want your husband to have the life looking after you that you now have looking after him?

Dude seriously lifting your 200 pound husband is going to cause you a serious back injury and a lot of debilitating pain down the road. Working full time and carrying full time sounds like a nightmare. You just can't do both for very long. Please consider a facility for your husband.

It was no longer possible for me and my sisters to care for both 94 year old parents in their home. I wish my father didn’t have to go to a nursing home but he did. I really wish he would have died before this had to happen but I don’t feel guilty about this decision. He is getting better care there. We all do what we are able. You want to handle care at home , good on you. But please refrain from judging others.,

Reba does not accept the advice that has been given to her to save her health and her life. She was looking for support for her decision to risk her own life. Maybe when she is unable to care for her husband anymore she will remember some of what was said to her here . There have been others like her who assume the forum is here to support their “unselfishness” , and are truly surprised when are advised to step back and let professionals care for LO . It is sad really , she may very well be one of them that dies before the person she is taking care of . I feel sorry for her son .

If it was me , I hope that no one like Reba puts a guilt trip or tells my spouse or children that they are being selfish if I need a nursing home.

I see that Reba says she has signed off from the forum now, angry at how she was treated by posters here. That’s unfortunate as I saw several reach out in compassion to her situation. I fully admit my defensiveness to my mother’s situation and why she lived in a NH. It says a lot to me that Reba chose to use, in what she says was her final reply, the word “vegetable” That’s a completely heartless, cruel term. What if it was YOU being callously referred to that way? Despite my mother’s fully broken body, her mind was fully intact, such a cruel irony. Somehow, she laughed at my jokes during every visit. She loved visits from all, and interacted as best she could. Vegetable? That’s not for people, just produce

Two words in life are very dangerous. "NEVER" and "ALWAYS". You can not with 100% certainty know that you will NEVER do anything. You know what you want to do. You know what you plan to do. But you do not know what you will do faced with a situation where YOU cannot under any circumstance provide his care any longer. Because it is always easy to say what you would do - when you haven't been in the position to actually do it.

It is NOT selfish for a person to choose a care facility to provide 24/7 care for their loved one. If you have never had to make that choice then how on earth can you possibly know what that feels like? How do you know it is selfish? How do you know what position people are in when they make that choice?

Better yet, I have a great idea!! Why don't you come spend a few hours helping my 300lb, immobile FIL out of bed with no assistance and dead weight, with a smile on your face and love in your heart. And oh yeah, by the way...just a little tidbit...you didn't grow up with him abusing you physically, emotionally, mentally, and verbally your entire childhood - so it's probably not that big of a deal to you to continue to take the abuse he likes to heap on his caregivers - you can smile and take that right? And clean up his "accidents"? And listen to the lies he tells other people about you?

Do unto others? Selfish?

Not every situation is like yours and I really wish people would understand that not all caregiving situations are created equally.

You will never do it. That's great for you. I hope you get that wish. And never have to make the decision to move your DH to a nursing home because you physically can't take care of him yourself. Because YOUR body has worn out from providing his care. Because the caregiver illness and mortality statistics will take your breath away. And there is NO shame in needing help. And no trophy for martyrdom.