Hello everyone.
I have been bearing this burden for coming up on 3 years now and I need to get it off my chest before I lose my mind.
In November 2016, my mother (she is in her mid-60s) sold her home and, for some reason, didn't have another place to land lined up. I am not sure who does that, but it happened all the same. I felt it was my responsibility as her only child to give her a place to stay while she figured out her next housing situation. She told me no more than 6 months, if not sooner for her to find something new.
Fast-foward to today. She has been on countless trips to locations across the US blowing through her interest earned on her house proceeds trying to find the next home and has come up empty every time. On multiple occasions, the difference between buying the home and continuing this nightmare was as little as $1500 (which I have offered to give her no questions asked and I get scolded in one fashion or another). She does have a fixed budget to buy a home, which isn't very much, and is on a fixed income for the rest of her life, which again, isn't very much.
I have tried to be patient and give her the time she needs to find the right thing, but after almost 3 years, my patience is now 100% gone. I am in my early 30s and my life feels like it has stalled socially, romantically, and in any other way it can when your own mother has control of your household (I don't have people over because she is here).
What I am really looking for here is some options on what to do. I have read similar stories like mine on this website and one thing that keeps coming up is having to evict her. She doesn't pay rent, though she has covered a couple hundred of utilities a couple of times. (Side note: I own the home that we both live in.) I'd really like to find a solution to this that doesn't require me ruining my relationship with my only living parent, but this is no longer healthy for either of us.
Thank you for your help and advice in advance!
Your Mom clearly has had her way with you. You are afraid of her. You are grown up now, and you will have to behave as a grown up if you expect to live as a grownup and not a frightened child. And trust me, I am 77 and I am here to guarantee you that we are ALL always frightened children. No matter we look like we know what we are doing. We are anxious scared kids who have to face down ever single new unfamiliar situation as though we were just newborn.
The mistake here was to allow your Mom to move in with you. Ha! Like you didn't know that, right. She sold her home. Then if she had to live at a Motel 6 until she found an apartment or condo that should have been as it should have been. But you believed her. That was your SECOND mistake. She has attempted to raise you to serve her well. Let's see now just how well she did.
Make no mistake. I know. This is going to take GREAT COURAGE.
Say it. Say it gently. Say "I love you, but this is a decision I have made for myself and it has nothing whatsoever to do with you." Then go in the other room and tremble a bit, cause this is scary stuff.
I am assuming of course, that your mom is living with you in your home. If that is not the case, if this is an apartment, and if Mom doesn't move out in that two month period, the better part of valor may be to give a 30 day notice, and to move out lock stock and barrel to a new apartment. Leave Mom there. She can assume or make a new lease and manage her own life.
Good luck. I hope you will update us. Mom is still very very young. For our time. She could still be working should she choose to. And she should definitely get a new life that isn't leaching off of your own.
I would do a little research before your "talk" with her, think about what she can afford for rent, find online resources to search for housing, anything that will help to start move her forward. Not sure I would go so far as mentioning eviction at that discussion but you will need to make it very, very clear that there's a hard deadline after which time you hope she doesn't force you to resort to anything that may damage your relationship and cause you to feel very disrespected, etc. I think you will know if she's taking you seriously as you see what she spends her time doing after the talk.
Your mom got to live her 30's without a parent/roommate (I'm assuming) and after all, you did allow her to stay, mostly rent free, for all those years -- how many parents get to do that?. Now you need to pick up where you left off, before you chose to "help" her. Write down what you want to say and stick to the script so that the talk doesn't devolve. Tell her how much thought you've put into it. The point of the talk is to inform her of what's going to happen and why, that you will help her, that it doesn't at all mean you don't love her, but you will absolutely be moving on with your life, and she should as well. The move is also for her benefit, even if she won't see that right away. Wishing you the right words, the right perspective and the right outcome.
She's in her mid-60s? So am I. I wouldn't want to live with any of my kids.
I think you need to set a date for her to leave (like November 1) and pack her things for her if need be.
Has her mental health ever been evaluated? You might want to look into that.
It really blows my mind how some mother's feel perfectly fine ruining their daughters lives like this. It seems to be an only child dilemma for many of us, where we became our mother's entire LIFE, creating a nightmare situation of guilt and obligation for us. They'd say it's all about Love but in reality, it's all about Smothering us.
Take your life back NOW, my friend. Your mother is young enough to have a life of her own without usurping YOURS.
Best of luck
I take it she has no retirement savings? Are the house proceeds her retirement savings?
Time is moving on, as you've already noted. Time to get your mother out of your house.
What is your plan going to be? Start a plan of action now, so that she isn't still with you 20 years from now (yes, it could happen!) with you responsible for her caregiving.
Another angle is telling her she may have a good 30 years left, and her 60s is way too early to ‘retire’ from life. You want to see her have her own place she loves, maybe meet a new partner, enjoy the years she has while she’s physically and mentally able. Using it as a “I want the best for you, mom!” instead of “You’re driving me crazy, scram!”.