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My mom lives with my husband, daughter and I because of her inability to manage money, or any part of her life for that matter. Long story, but let's stick to the question at hand. We pay all the bills, and when I say all, I mean All the bills. My husband sets the thermostats at 76 degrees, my mom complains that she is FREEZING all day, yet at night, once we all go to bed, she gets up, buries the thermostat to 68 to 70 degrees then gets under a HEATING BLANKET! She got up this morning, once again complaining about how cold she was and proceeds to turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees. I said, well, if SOMEONE wasn't getting up at night and turning our house into a refrigerator, maybe you wouldn't be freezing. She didn't say a word. I am so sick of this nonsense with her. In the winter, with the heat on, she flings the windows open! Is she trying to be an a** or does she not realize how expensive her habits truly are. It is very expensive to have her here and she acts as if she is doing us a favor and I am not quite sure why? She doesn't babysit, pay for food, utilities, or anything at all. My grandma spoiled her rotten as did my father and she has never really had to work for a dollar. I just don't know what else to do? If she did this at my sister's house she would be on the curb. No peace as No family member, including my sister will take her to give us a moment of respite since Dad died. But for now, let's just stick to the thermostat issue. Should I get one she can't change, buy a lock box, or just tell her if she touches it again, she can pay the bill?

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How would you squeeze the money out of her if she refuses to pay the bill? Put a locking box over the thermostat so she can't change it. She may be sliding into dementia so that reason and logic are less effective with her.

In the long view, I'd have her paying some token amount of rent, utilities and groceries. No way you should be supporting her 100% unless you are claiming her as a dependent on your income taxes.
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Get a lock box. It covers the thermostate and locks. When she complains explain not her house not her bill.
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Why is she not paying ANYTHING towards the household she is living in?? Unless she has NO money, this is wrong. Does she pay for her own stuff - meds, cell phone, car, etc.? You should be paying nothing towards her care. And she should be pitching in. May not be easy but you should think about sitting down with her and telling her that she needs to pay into the household. Doesn't have to be a huge amount but GEEZ.

Why can't she manage her money and live independently? Does she have any physical or mental issues that are in play here? Maybe having her move to senior housing would be a better solution than you saving her from her poor habits (if that's what it it)?
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Ran into this kind of thing once before in workplace. The building maintenance engineers were instructed by management to "lock" the AC/Heat. But they left the thermostat alone. A few people kept fooling with the thermostat and wondered why it did not work. (Management did make accommodations for a few workers who were seated in an area where too hot/ too cold were genuine problems.) Frankly I would just take control of the thermostat via lock box, and would not waste any time trying to convert her. She probably has no clue how expensive her bad habits are.
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Get a lock box but understand that as we age our skin thins so we do not have the same sensitivities to temps as the younger people do.
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lealonnie1 Jul 2021
Yeah well, I am never comfortable temperature-wise either, but I don't adjust the thermostat all day long from heat to a/c based on my ever-changing body temp! I suck it up, buttercup or face an out-of-control gas & electric bill every month which comes out of MY checking acct!!!
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Her mom and father "spoiled her rotten," and now you have picked up the torch to continue on with her spoiling. How's that working for you so far?
Your mom will never learn how to handle money, if she is never held responsible for her share of the bills. Of course you should be charging her for the electric bill, along with part of all the other bills as well. Who in this world, as an adult, gets to live without having to pay bills?
You are enabling her to continue living in her selfish little world, and until you stand up to her, and lay some ground rules pertaining to the household bills, and her paying them, this nonsense will continue.
This issue is way deeper than a thermostat issue. If it were me, I would be looking for a senior apartment for her to move to ASAP, as she will never learn how to be an adult, when she has you to pay for everything. I'm sure she gets some Social Security, and if that isn't enough, she can apply for Medicaid to assist her as well. It's time mom grows up, and you get your house and your life back.
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Well I personally like to sleep at night with AC at 66/68 while snuggled under a blanket, so I totally get that! But I wouldn’t expect another person to adjust to that for me without at least a discussion AND significant contribution towards the electricity bill. I totally think your mom should contribute. If she won’t then it’s time to use her funds to look at assisted living/low income senior housing places.
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You say, " If she did this at my sister's house she would be on the curb." That's your answer right there: Lay down the rules and then stick to them, like glue. Your mother either forks over her fair share of the bills or you evict her, as your sister would. Life is not free, even for a mother who would like to be freezing cold and sleep under an electric blanket w/o paying the price for doing so. I'd like to win the lottery, too, but it's unlikely I will. That's the reality of life. Your home is not her hotel where she gets to do exactly as she wishes, free of charge, because that sort of place doesn't exist anywhere on earth.

As of today, sit down & come up with an expense sheet for your home; divide it by the number of people living in your home, and let your mother know what her portion of the monthly bill is. AND I'd install a lockbox over the thermostat as well. When I was a kid and my father said HELL NO to a/c, I slept with a bag of ice next to me in bed when I was hot. We do what we have to do to get comfortable.

Best of luck laying down the law to your mother; it's your home, your rules, your life. Remember that she is a guest in your home and she's not doing you any favors by being that guest. YOU are doing HER the favor.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2021
lealonnie1,

OMG! Are you sure we're not related? LOL I had the same exact experience with the 'no' to air- conditioning and I too slept with the bag of ice when I was a kid.
You could chill beer in my bedroom now because it's a cooler. The rest of the house too. I don't humor my elderly parent who I also have the burden of being the caregiver to.
If you don't like that arctic indoor chill in the house when it's summer, put on a sweater.
Same applies in the winter. I'm not jacking the heat up to 80. If it's too cold, once again put on a sweater.
Want to complain about it? I'll drop you off at an ER and they'll find nursing home placement.
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"If she pulled this at my sister's house she'd be on the curb". Your sister seems to be the one with the right approach.
It's YOUR house. Mom is living with YOUR family. So it's YOUR rules. I'm so sure that over the course of your life growing up you heard the words, "my house, my rules". Same thing.
First order of business is you stop letting your mother freeload in your house. Either she starts chipping in with the bills or tell her she's moving out.
Next, you talk about the thermostat. She is not to touch it and if she does again put a locking device on it so she can't change it.
You and your family have to lay down some boundaries here and stick to them otherwise your spoiled mother is going to be in control of your house and all of your lives.
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There are covers you can place on the thermostat and lock it.
You could start, and you should start charging her rent and a portion of all the household expenses.
If she is cognizant you can explain to her that the thermostat stays set the way it is and if she does not like it you will accompany her to tour Assisted Living facilities.
Some things that might help:
make sure that she is dressed warmly
if needed a small heater in her room. There are small ones that would heat a bedroom. (do not provide this is she would move it around to a location that would not be safe ie, near bedding)
an electric blanket or heating pad. There are also heated mattress pads. These would NOT be a good idea if she had any neuropathy since she would be at an increased risk of burns.
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So grandma and dad spoiled her rotten and you are continuing the show, right? Your sister has the right approach. It's your house you set the rules. If Mom doesn't have an dementia dx, she is just a spoiled old lady so sit her down. Figure out the per person cost of running the house and tell her this is will will be coming out of her income (social security, pension whatever) from now on. She will not touch the thermostat or the windows as any time (put a lockbox on the thermostat in case she tries to call your bluff). Explain that if she doesn't like the way the rules work.... she had 60 days to find alternate living quarters and that can include an AL which will cost her a lot more and guess what......... she is not touching their thermostat either!
Sometimes you have to be brutal to save yourself.
Good luck and stand tough or you will deserve the results.
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At age 68, she is far too young to be living/dependent on you. Is she disabled either physically or mentally? Being spoiled doesn't count; everyone has to grow up at some point.
Does she get social security or have any income? She can at the very least contribute to her stay in your home. Would she consider living on her own. There is absolutely no reason to allow her to ride roughshod over your, your husband, and your daughter while she is living in your house.
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My vote is for the locking box covers that require a key to open and adjust. Also if her vision is off/thermostat hard to read, wondering if that might be a factor. I have found the NEST thermostat to be wonderful as far as readability with the colors and large numerals, but I would never recommend one as it is like IT is in control, not you. Customer service is very challenging to communicate with if there is a problem and the installers don't seem to have the time or patience to slowly explain how it works (and no such thing as an owner's manual). PS would also suggest if available and you are going to get a locking box over it, that you get one with a combination lock so you don't have to be running after and potentially losing a tiny key....Good luck....
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Bkerns Jul 2021
Thank you, I purchased a smart, locking thermostat to be put in this weekend!! Woo-hoo! Fantastic idea so that is what we are doing!
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I should have added...
There are medications that will make a person feel colder. My sister is on a BP medication and when she comes to to visit or once in a while she will spend the night I will adjust the temp for her.
During the summer I keep the house at about 75 and in the winter it will fluctuate between 62 and 68 depending on how damp it feels to me.

I also have 3 little dogs, one is a 4 legged furnace and when he is next to me I sweat
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My sister would visit and because she slept on the couch in the living room, she
would turn our refrigerator off so she wouldn't hear it. It broke.

Just sayin....she no longer visits.
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FGS the woman is only 68, some of you are giving advice as though she's a frail little old lady - plenty of people are still working at that age.
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Geaton777 Jul 2021
cw, my cousin is 68 and was just diagnosed with ALZ. I think it's within the realm of possibility that the OP may be dealing with someone with the beginnings of a cognitive impairment. Just putting that out there to consider if her behaviors continue to defy logic.
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I agree that Mom should be paying something. I would put it in writing and have her sign it. She should be paying her own bills, toiletries and any special foods she wants. You take the bills and divide them by the amount of people in your home. Maybe do that with the Mortgage. It will really depend on what Moms bills are and the amount of SS she brings in. Check with a Realtor to see what renting a one bedroom would cost with access to kitchen and a bathroom. That will give u an idea what rent is in ur area.

You can combine it in one amount calling it "room and board". Tell her things are expensive and you cannot afford to keep her if she doesn't contribute. In my area, there are Hud subsidized apts. They require 30% of your monthly income. Electric, cable and WIFI are the renters responsibility. There are food stamps, food closets. She can have Medicaid for her secondary insurance. In my State besides health insurance u get, prescriptions, dental and vision. Office of Aging usually has a Senior bus for transportation. She can go shopping and to appts on the bus. Medicaid has transportation to Dr appts.
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Bkerns Jul 2021
My mother didn't work much her whole life. She couldn't draw SS herself, she is drawing off my Dad's social security spousal benefit. Yes, sadly she has been a leach the majority of her life. We purchased a licking thermostat after we discovered her ramping down the HVAC and crawling under a heat blanket.
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My advice get that lock box. Your mother should be paying something towards the bills. I would have a talk with her and lay down the law.
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