My mother-in-law lives in an independent living facility in another state. Husband and I visit 5x a year. She is good the first day we get there and then gets increasingly rude until we leave to fly home. Everytime we visit, when we get home, we get a call that she’s fallen or in the hospital . Last time we visited, she had a urinary tract infection. We had to insist she call the Dr. Dad passed away 2 1/2 years ago. She has lots of opportunities to get involved with activities but she refuses. She only wants to sit in her apartment. I am getting resentful. All of our vacations revolve around seeing her then having a few days in her area. I had to cancel plans to Italy because we can’t be too far just in case. Husband is not only child but his sibling only sees her once a year. The sibling is useless (only sees mom for $$$). She doesn’t want any stranger (caregiver) to come to her home (she accuses anyone who comes in of stealing🙄). Just now she thinks she’s got a urinary tract infection she is refusing to go to the doctor. We are flying down on Thursday and I dread going. This is causing a problem with my marriage. Husband is always angry with her and I am resentful we can’t have a normal life. Am I the only one feeling this way?
I would seek counseling with him.
I would think along with calls and letters and cards and flowers and little delivered treats that twice a year is appropriate.
I don't see my daughter and SIL more than twice a year (I'm 81). And I am the one who goes by THEM one of those times.
They are now newly retired, rather he is and she is almost. It would be awful to think they were coming to see old Mom on their vacations.
WHAT A WASTE.
So if MIL isn't well enough in her mind to know this is the last free time you and hubby have, and deserve it while you are still well enough to enjoy it, then hubby should know that himself. As to what she does with her time at 91, in ALF, that isn't much anyone else's business.
So again, I suggest counseling.
How are these trips helping ANYONE? Certainly are doing HER no good.
Certainly they are doing YOU no good.
I doubt they do your husband any good.
So what purpose do these serve other than a lame attempt to assuage some sort of very inappropriate guilt?
Set up a ZOOM account on your computer and have video chats. Why should you waste money flying there and paying for car rental, hotel, etc.? To hear her complain?
Cut your visits to ONCE a year! See her on Day One, then MOVE ON! You work all year for your vacations, which are NOT actual vacations whatsoever.
At 91, she's going to fall or be in a hospital constantly. NOT YOUR FAULT. You cannot make someone who is clearly miserable to be happy. She is behaving stubborn and spoiled. A Senior Brat is no fun for anyone.
I'd be more than resentful.
You can’t live like this, waiting for her to expire, because, honey, that could be YEARS from now, and your wonderful vacation opportunities may have passed you by.
My mother is 98. She is apparently made of hickory. I am not going to hang around, postponing trips, because she might die while I am away. I have instructed my siblings that if our mother should finally succumb while I am overseas, they can hold off on the memorial service until I am back. With people hanging on until past 100, these crazy days…well, sorry. Not going to hit the “pause” button on my life, waiting for that other shoe to drop. Could be years!
You, OP, need to seriously re-read what you wrote, and ask yourself why you are so willing to dither and hand-wring and accept this ridiculous situation. Grow a spine and get the reins back in your hands!
And you need to start doing what the other family members are doing and that is only visit her once or twice a year. If she has a health concern the assisted living nurses and doctor can deal with it, and call you only and if it is a TRUE emergency.
You and your husband shouldn't have to give up your vacations or your life for a woman who has already lived her life, and now chooses to isolate herself. That is her choice, so it's time for you and hubby to make your choice to live and enjoy whatever time you may have left, as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
The fact that you both are miserable the whole time you are there should tell you that things need to change.
Hopefully your husband will understand that things need to change soon. Otherwise you tell him that he can go by himself and that you will take your vacation by yourself.
And it may not hurt to let him read your post here and what the other responders will say.
Hubby needs to tell her tomorrow that she MUST get tested for a UTI tomorrow. No arguing. I like someone's suggestion to say that you're not coming unless she does it. You might look up some suggestions for a supplement to take daily to cut back on these UTIs.
Time to cut way back on the visits to MIL. Hubby can go along but since he's angry with her all the time, he does not enjoy these visits either. If she gets ornery after 1 day, limit visits to one day. He/you guys could visit one day, vacation elsewhere and all's good. Or at least better.
Does she have dementia? Accusing people of stealing is common with dementia. Probably with other disorders as well but at 91 it would not be uncommon to have some level of dementia. I think AL might be a better fit for her. I wonder if some have the ability to test for UTIs. Going out to the doctor too often for this can be a nuisance.
Is it out of the norm for her to not get involved in activities? My mom gets a little involved at her AL but my MIL in SNF rarely leaves her room. Is it's surprising, when you or hubby are there, maybe take her to some activities so she can see what they are and that they're fun. Don't ask - just do it.
If hubby insists on visiting her this often, beg off for as many of the visits. Hanging around the house for a staycation might be more fun.
Best of luck
I get the whole thing about supporting husband as he deals with this, but it falls into the category of some other issues we might not want to support. Like hosting evil adult stepchildren in our homes and having to cook and clean up after them. Or having his drunken pals over for poker night and they stay until 2 a.m. so you can't get enough sleep. Sometimes we should just bow out. Then husband may come to his senses and off both of you go to the Bahamas instead.
I have little sympathy for mean overbearing elders anymore. There seem to be far to many of them creating far too much chaos with expectations that are way out of line.
I will never expect my children to cater to my every need as I age. I want them to fully live their lives.
Your mother in law is not being considerate of your needs.
She is 91 and her health concerns will most likely become more serious as time goes by.
You are going to have to strongly object to living like this. As long as you agree to travel with your husband to see his mom five times a year it will continue.
Does she live in a place that has assisted living units in her building? Or look at assisted living facilities nearby. Then she will have a staff tending to her needs.
It’s past time for her to be negotiating what she wants. Make arrangements for what is needed so that you and your husband can resume your lives.
Have you considered taking trips without your husband if he doesn’t see your point of view? If he doesn’t agree then let him go alone. You don’t have to accompany him on every trip.
Wishing you all the best.
What you are doing is unspeakable. And unhealthy for your marriage.