94 year old with dementia still driving. What to do?

Along with the "stick" of denying access to the car, what about presenting a "carrot" by way of showing him how to use a ride-sharing service to meet his transportation needs?

I.e. go on a few rides with him and show him how it's done.

(Disclaimer: I've never used one myself! But I think it's worth knowing how to do.)

Hide the car. Keys. Driver’s license.

If you are able, maybe contact the local police force and speak to the traffic division. Maybe there is an officer who can come speak to your Dad.

My heart goes out to you. I’ve had a similar situation where well meaning friends enabled my parents. I had to be very direct and frank with them to get them to stop. Unfortunately, my dad passed away. But, that gave me a way to sell the car. Mom still talks about buying a car. I’ve informed her that she could easily kill someone and she doesn’t care. The moral of the story is that you just have to get rid of the car and direct with those who are enabling him.

I had this situation come up a few years ago. I couldn’t get anybody to listen or offer any help. My very stubborn mother needed to give up driving but wouldn’t. One day I was out on the road and saw her driving and it gave me the idea. I contacted motor vehicles and embellished a story of the day I saw her driving, telling them that I saw her weaving in and out of traffic and how frightened I was for her and fellow motorists. That got their attention! They sent a notice to the house for her to go in and be re-examined. Needless to say, she never did follow through and subsequently lost her license.

Take either the car or the keys away. I first took my Dads keys away, only to find out he hid a spare, then I just took the car. I asked him (Dad has LBD and Parkinson's) do you really think its right to be driving on the road? God forbid you get in an accident, told him he was not only putting himself in danger but others on the road and that wasn't right. I told him I would drive him wherever he wanted to go and did just that. I'll admit, it was a battle.

This is a common situation, sadly. The Motor Vehicles Bureau will continue to renew the drivers licenses. They are not legally allowed to refuse the license due to advanced age. My nephew refused to speak to me for many years when my I was told that I shouldn't "encourage" my father to drive anymore. My nephew took it upon himself to decide I was being unfair to Pop. He never did understand that my father had no problem with me driving him everywhere. Pop passed at 88.

My DH was able to drive until he went on a walker at age 95 - but he volunteered to allow his license to lapse when we learned it would lower my car insurance. He kept the out-of-date license as proof of identity.

Same thing going on with my father n law. Can't remember people he can't get his self dressed he has problems eating can't remember how to put batteries in a flashlight or how to change a lightbulb but my mother-in-law has him driving every single day because when he can't drive no more all her fun comes to an end. My father-in-law would gladly stop driving if they told him to he's scared to drive but his wife resents him for having dementia and feels like he's ruining her life and all her fun so she does absolutely nothing to stop him from driving in fact she makes him drive her to the stupidest places every single day. I want to make a report to the DMV but it won't let you make an anonymous report and I'm not going to do it because if my mother-in-law finds out it's me there will be a war in the family. So I guess we all just sit back and wait for an accident or worse. It's disgusting.

You don't want the blood of children on your hands. Do whatever it takes, keys or sell or disable the car or whatever, NOW.

Can I just say, good luck?
No, not really an answer. I will say it was the hardest thing with my mom. Every situation will be different in its solutions.
Mom's car was taken from her in a tricky way. She voluntarily "donated" the car to a family member who was in need. So fo awhile no car and no keys. It was still a fight because she did not want to believe she was not legally able to drive. We found passages of driving law (cherry picked) that supported our claim against her driving. She reluctantly accepted it but wanted to challenge it or get retested.
Te very lucky thing was the car just wasn't available (i.e. far from where we lived). She challenged the idea of her driving off and on for years until she passed. We just continued making up stories mixed in with talks of legality, doctor's rule and common sense.
Hide the car the simplest advice.

This is a horrible accident waiting to happen. Baffles me how people can't take care of someone who can't think for themselves. They are like children . You are in charge now, not them.

Because do not live near your father a lot of the standard advice can't be implemented by you.

Calling the state police can be helpful IF it is done at a time when your father is driving and can be caught doing so. You're probably not going to be able to do that from your location.

Your focus has to be on convincing the people who are near him to stop enabling him. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this fear and frustration.

My mother-in-law was still driving at 95, with dementia slowly creeping up on her (she’s almost 101 now, still living at home). She only drove about a mile to the grocery store and back once a week, but we were always worried about her. At about that time, my adult son (30 yrs old) had an accident and wrecked his car. He was recently divorced and in bad financial shape, so he asked his grandmother if he could borrow her car for a few days. She was happy to loan it to him and to this day (about 6 years later) she still hasn’t asked about her car. My wife and I do all her shopping so she has no need to drive. This may seem a bit underhanded to take advantage of her dementia but it was only a matter of time before she got lost on the road or hurt herself (or someone else). So, my advice: ask to borrow her car and “forget” to return it! Hopefully your dad will forget about it too!

I've been fighting this battle for a couple of years now. Mother in law, 85 with dementia and lives with us refused to quit driving because she "only drove a mile to church on Sundays and stopping at the store for her weekly shopping on the way home". Took the keys and ended up having to give them back when she called the Sheriff's office on us. Deputy said as long as she had a license, we couldn't legally stop her and the keys were her property. Our daughter who lives next door was borrowing the car almost daily to get to work so disabling it was out the question and other than telling us she didn't need to be driving, her doctors weren't much help. And she wouldn't listen to us because at 60ish, my wife and I are "just the kids and she knows better than we do".
A few weeks ago, my wife had a short hospital stay and our daughter was going to drive Grammy to a Dr appointment so I could stay with my wife at the hospital. As our daughter was crossing the yard to get her, Grammy goes tearing out the driveway like Mario Andretti, so she calls us and tells us what's going down. About a half hour later, my wife gets a call from her mom's primary care who's very upset that MiL has driven herself to her appointment. Said, MiL was very proud of herself that she'd given everyone the slip and drove the 15 miles to the Dr's office "only getting turned around a few times".
Upshot was her Dr finally did the paperwork to DMV to have her license pulled, and wrote on a prescription paper her name, "DO NOT DRIVE!" and signed it. We put the keys to her car in a lock box (except the set that our daughter has). Now when she starts up about wanting to drive, we tell her that keys were taken away and show her the prescription for her not to drive. If she continues to protest, we tell her that if her Dr says she can drive, she can have the keys back. And I drive her to the church and store on Sundays.

Now if we can just get her to quit asking what day it is every 2 minutes.

If you can contact a small local police department where he often drives, they may be willing to look out for him and pull him over . He’s a danger to others . My mother did the same thing with my stepfather, he couldn’t figure out how to open the door, put in the seatbelt but she felt he could drive🙄. Finally he started scaring her enough that she started driving . With her we just got rid of the car , she actually gave it to someone wanting to get a new one ( didn’t happen) but still gripes about it . You need to take into account their judgement is off too, not just their memory, so to them, they are capable

We went through this with my dad. His car was his sanctuary, his freedom. Even after the doctor submitted paperwork to the DMV and they suspended his license, he continued to drive. This went on for over 6 months. All dad kept saying was, "See, I still have a license" because the hard copy of his license was still in his wallet. They never took it. I finally engaged the help of the local deputy in his area. He would drive by his house a lot because he said they could not do anything unless they caught dad driving on the street. One day, he stopped by dad's on a Saturday morning and talked to him because he was out front. He finally took that hard copy of the license and that's what did it. In dad's mind, he still had his license because it was in his wallet even though it was suspended at the DMV. Until he went to AL, we were never able to break him of the habit of driving in and out of his garage. He said he was allowed to drive on his own property (which was true - the police said they couldn't do anything about that.) At that point, it was all about control.

Its a shame that due to his dementia that you can't reason with him. Since he was reported to the department of motor vehicles, I would contact them to report your father so that they can take the appropriate action. I would also contact the state and local police so that they can stop him on the road. In order to interfere with his driving, you could remove the distributor cap from the car disabling it. If in any way you can claim the vehicle, I would take it, hide it, or take all sets of car keys. You could also combine the removal of the distributor cap along with the keys. Not knowing how aware he is of authority, perhaps the local police can speak with him. I also thought of something else. Ask his physician for a driver's evaluation. It's usually performed by an occupational therapist at acute physical rehabilitation facilities.

I am not familiar with the procedure in your state, but contact your DMV and ask. In Massachusetts, a family member can notify the DMV in writing when they believe that the patient poses a threat to their safety or the safety of others due to their health condition. The DMV will suspend their license and will notify the patient in writing and give them an opportunity to appeal the suspension. They would have to prove to the DMV that they are in fact able to drive safely and will have to produce a doctors letter stating such. I did this with my 78 year old aunt who was driving down one way streets, not stopping at stop signs or traffic signals and driving down sidewalks. The DMV suspended her license and she could not get her doctor to write the letter, so the suspension stayed. We sold the car and she ended up using public transportation to get around.

Ha, it's amazing that they can't do most anything but can still drive. I'm not in your situation any more. Even after 5 accidents the insurance kept renewing. I threw a tantrum with him (I thought) out of ear shot ~ranting about, killing some one, losing the house, not having anything to take care of either of them. I'm embarrassed to say when the "family" mentioned about him getting killed I ranted, "that is the least of our worries, it would solve a lot of problems". The next time it came to him needing to go to church, he gave me the keys and asked me to take him.
He never drove again.

This seems to be a legal matter. You have to get the police or court involved. Are you prepared for those “higher powers” to take over? Why won’t his wife get involved? What is her reasoning when a fatal crash could cause her to lose everything?

An insurance company CAN refuse to insure anyone who they deem to be an unsafe driver - no matter the reason. The State can refuse to issue a driver's license to anyone who it deems an unsafe driver - no matter the reason.

I would fax the script that the MD wrote to the auto insurance company to make the point that your parent should NOT be allowed to drive. That might be enough to make them terminate his insurance.

In the meantime, I agree with the others. The vehicle needs to be taken away!

It's incomprehensible to me how difficult such a situation can be. I was in this spot three years ago. It was obvious that it my husband's driving had become problematic before we moved and it became a real issue after. He couldn't find his way to church 1.5 mi. one right turn and one left turn from house. I fixed his phone so I could keep up with his whereabouts but within a few short days it was very clear to us that he was done driving. I visited the DDS office to explain situation, show them paperwork where VA had declared him 100% disabled, incompetent, made me fiduciary over him and his benefits and also my civilian POA. I told them I wanted his license pulled. They said they couldn't do anything unless his doctor would contact DDS at the state office. There is a form that can be filled out to request state test and medical exam, but the DDS wouldn't guarantee anonymity and that could put someone in a difficult situation dealing with an irascible dementia loved one. Oh, and the great news was that he would present himself for renewal a few months later, all they would do was an eye test!! Four months post move his car developed mechanical issue that cost several hundred dollars to fix. We argued about not getting that done. Car had broken down when I was driving it on errand for its weekly "exercise" and it was sitting at dealership. Finally gave in and got car back. Two months later another problem. Almost $1K to fix. This time he agreed car wasn't worth the repair and a total God thing had the car sold the same day. After that it was just the constant "got to get out there find me some wheels" but he never actually asked me or our son to go look. I was very anxious about license renewal. When he asked me to take him to DDS I thought "well, he hasn't driven in over a year now so what's the harm." I almost went off the road when on the way there he declared that he was just going to get a state ID instead of renewing..... I was nervous all through the process. When clerk asked him to look through lenses for eye test I reminder her that I had selected ID only. She fetched a "voluntary surrender" state form that he had to sign and we left there with an ID. He will say that he misses driving but it's just like missing traveling, doing this or that. In short, he misses his pre-dementia life. It was a real eye opener going through this, and left me wondering how many mentally incompetent drivers are out there on any given day because our POAs aren't worth the paper they're written on and the afflicted person's rights can't be infringed, incompetent or not. But let them kill somebody and there'll be hell to pay.

When this was going on with my own mother, I wrote a letter to the BMV.  I simply stated that my mom was diagnosed with dementia and had been getting lost and that I felt it was no longer safe for her to drive.  I also mentioned that she had failed a simulated driving test that the dementia docs gave her.   In the letter I asked the BMV to bring her in to test her.  I told them I was her daughter but wanted to remain anonymous.  They sent her a letter in the mail asking her to come in and be tested by a certain date or her drivers license would be null and void.  My mother no longer had a clue where the BMV was...so it took care of itself at that point.  I told her that I didn't want anything to happen to her and that I know she would feel horrible if a child or a dog were to run out in front of her...explained that the dementia was affecting her response time.  I then told her we needed to sell her car. 

I know someone whose father had dementia and they had detached the battery from his car so that he couldn't use it, but he managed to ask an unsuspecting neighbor to help him and managed to drive out of state until he ran out of gas.  They had to initiate a silver alert.  When the police found him, he had his cat in the car with him, so animal control had to be called...it was a mess.

If the fear of your dad getting hurt or killed doesn't hold any weight with your mom, maybe you could tell your mother that if she refuses to stop him from driving, she could be financially liable if he were to cause an accident and hurt someone.  

I know this is difficult for your dad.  Losing that independence and control would be difficult for any of us.

I think a previous poster suggested this and I think it is a great idea of letting your dad's favorite child or grandchild ask to borrow his car and then never returning it.  Genius!

If you can’t do anything else, disable the car. When he tries to start it, say you’ll call service people to tow it to dealership or wherever. Or say you’ll get someone to fix it in a couple days. Delay delay delay...divert divert divert. I was in this situation till mom drive right into the back of a parked truck, totaling both. Thank God no one was injured or killed, she did have to spend several weeks in hospital with broken ribs.

Have you asked his Dr to speak with him? That worked for my husband when we were very concerned about asking him to quit driving. We knew he would not take it kindly from us, but he accepted it from his dr. and never even tried to drive again. He still had his driver's license but I always helped him into the passenger seat and he never objected. This is from a man who very rarely rode anywhere with me. He always drove not matter how far we were going. He always told people he could still drive and had his license, but never tried to.

If a person with dementia doesn't have the capacity to understand the danger they represent, then taking away their license won't mean anything either. The car needs to be gone if possible. Expecting someone who can no longer reason to be reasonable is never going to happen.

Wow I had the same problem with my dad at age 98 with dementia. The doctor told him to stop driving but he refused so she finally sent a letter to the State to revoke his license. He still tried to get his car back but he found out that he couldn't get it back or buy another car without a valid license. Get the license revoked. It also helped us to get his car turned in to the bank that gave him the 7 year loan to buy the car and a firm conversation with the dealership that sold it to him at age 98. When my father contacted them to buy a car for someone else to drive him they told him without an active valid license he could not purchase a car in his name. Finally something worked.

The best solution would be to bring in the Department of Motor Vehicles, they would require a driving test to continue to drive. Another option is to have the doctor write a prescription stating that the individual cannot drive. This way when the person says they are going to drive the family can show them the prescription from their doctor saying they cannot drive. Many seniors even with dementia will follow a doctor's order.

Many individuals suggested that you disable the car, here is the problem with doing that: I had a client who's family disabled his car by removed the distributor cap so the car would not drive. When the gentleman found out that his car did not start he called for a cab, went to a car dealership and brought a new car. I could not believe that someone actually allowed him to buy a car but they did!

This is a very hard situation to deal with and what works for one individual will not always work for another.

Since you and Sis live several hours away, visit together and one of you drive his car home. Then hide it somewhere there. Tell him you sold it.

My Dad was like a pig on ice driving and drove my mother around who was in advanced Alzheimers. We had made interventions to make him stop but he finally forced our hand by having the police show up to his door and take the keys away from him. His doctor let me know he may drop dead of a heart attack as his heart was weak so an ambulance was nearby just in case. Then the car was taken by a family member and hidden till sold.
Guess you should think about going to talk with your local Sheriff about this. I am sure he can intervene in some way once he has enough proof. God Bless

We had a similar situation. I'm not going to say solved, but helped a great bit... we had the police stop by. Talking man to man, the cop with all his uniform etc..was able to convince him he was helping his community( by keeping it safe) good luck.