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My mother is 97 and wheelchair bound due to a failed hip surgery 13 years ago. Since then she has been in assisted living, but only in Memory Care since April 2024. The past year has been terrible with her exhibiting delirium from UTI's, multiple doctor's visits, and an emergency room visit because the staff thought she had a stroke. No stroke, but her behavior, memory and ability to understand and listen to me and the AL staff changed radically. She was moved to MC and placed on hospice. after the ER visit. During a very, very bad delirium that lasted for several days in July that included her diving out of her wheelchair onto the floor she developed a bedsore that is slowly healing. Since July she is confused on many things, but not about her wanting to go the dentist. 3 years ago she lost a tooth, and then ran over her bridge with her wheelchair resulting in big gap in upper teeth. At that time, before dementia set in, she did not want to go the dentist. I tried several times to get her to go, but she did not want to spend the money. Her lack of upper teeth is not visible when she talks, and she has been able to eat without a problem. Now she is demanding I take her to the dentist. She says she is having a hard time eating. I think this can be addressed with a softer diet. I don't feel like starting any type of advanced dental replacement is the right thing to do now, and I am not sure if as a hospice patient it is even allowed. The staff at the MC and hospice are keeping her comfortable with pain meds, changing her position, using the airflow mattress. To me, getting this healed is the #1 priority. Am I wrong? How do I tell her that the dentist is not an option?

You just keep telling her that the dentist can't get her until December, and then if she still remembers or is still alive in December, then you tell her that they had to cancel her appt. and it's now rescheduled until Feb.2025, and so on and so on.
You get the picture. Just make sure now though that the facility is either pureeing her food or only giving her soft foods so she won't have any issues eating, and worse aspirating.
And yes her bedsore should be your main concern as they often can be the start of the end.
I wish you well as you do what is best for your mother.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Tell her that she is going to the dentist as soon as she is mobile and on her feet and able to go. Until then it is a mechanical soft diet for her. There is no pain. This isn't emergent. You may want to take this plate. With 3-D tech now they can often make a new plate with the teeth filled in. Speak to the dentist about that.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Even if she was cooperative with what would be required of the dental treatment... can she afford it? Does she have dental insurance?

If she's on Medicaid it may be possible for the facility to have a mobile dentist come there and tell her some realistic news. If her teeth aren't causing her pain, and she can still eat enough, then I don't know what is driving her wanting this except vanity. Honestly I don't blame her... I think having bad teeth is like looking at a beautiful house with broken windows.

Dental work and repairs costs thousands of dollars, and many appointments. You can tell her a therapeutic fib: that the dentist appointment is months out so she has to wait, especially if she doesn't have the funds or insurance.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Get hospice to give her some Ativan and she'll stop dwelling on the dentist. I can write a big ugly book about my mother and the dentist while she was in AL and Memory Care, and then people say, " I can't believe you advocate for NO DENTAL CARE for elders." God give me strength.

You're not wrong, of course.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Tell her she’s on a waiting list and it will be at least a few months .
Rinse and Repeat .
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Reply to waytomisery
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There are mobile dentists. Or maybe a dentist is on call for the patients at her facility. She may think she's bothered by her lack of teeth, but it may be something else, such as a rough edge on a tooth that's annoying her. When my dad was in hospice, he insisted on seeing a dentist because of a rough edge. His regular dentist came to the house, filed the rough edge, and everything was fine. Look beyond her complaints and try to figure out if there's something she isn't able to put into the right words.
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Reply to Fawnby
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My dad had dementia. About a year before he died he starting complaining about a tooth hurting him. I took him to the dentist and to my amazement, he was cooperative in the chair and they pulled the tooth. Then maybe six months later he started complaining again about another tooth, the day before a long holiday weekend. I called every dentist within 50 miles to find one who was open over the holiday, had no stairs to get inside, and would treat someone with dementia. Told him about the appt. Then when I went to collect him the next day to take him there, he said his tooth no longer hurt and refused to leave the house. I swore then that he would have to be rolling in agony before I would go through that again.

Do they have a dentist at her SNF who could just look her over and say, "Your mouth looks fine. You just need to eat softer food."?
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Reply to Suzy23
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