Follow
Share

I've lived with my grandma for most of my life and recently turned eighteen in February. She takes care of her self, handles her own bills, and even takes care of my uncle who has brain damage. I just stay there for a week and my boyfriends house for a week, mainly because she will miss me when I go to college. I recently got my permit and we were running late for a dentist appointment and had to drive on the interstate for the first time. When I got to the doctors office I did say "shes so stupid" because she ignored me for a broken phone for most of the car ride which put us in danger several times then preceded to give me directions some of which were bad and some of which were good. Someone reported me for "elderly abuse" because I called her stupid and an idiot and looked "generally angry". Of course I was my brother died in a car accident. I normally don't say anything bad to my grandma but I was stressed and her actions could have us killed. Anyways I'm eighteen, I'm no caregiver. I handle no finances, heck I even pay rent (aka the electricity bill). I clean my room and she cleans the rest of the house. Am I not allowed to say anything bad about my grandma anymore? Anyways, I'm not a care giver. The law says "a caregiver".

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
You don't have to be a caregiver to be accused of abuse. I understand you were very stressed.. but calling her an idiot and stupid really does not look good to the professionals at the Dr office, and they are required to report this sort of thing. The Dr office had no idea your brother died... they just saw your treatment of GM. Perhaps someone else could drive her next time?
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Pamzimmrrt so they are required to report of anything negative was said to an elderly person ever? It was my appointment. I feel like I don't even want to return to her house next week if I can not even disagree with her, and accidentally say things out of stress without being accused of abuse.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am so sorry, I assumed it was her apt. as you said she was able to do all her own things and such. And it never occurred to me you would take her to YOUR apt.. I thought it was her apt you had to get her to! Next time leave her home so you are not so stressed, And good luck
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Thank you. Do you think I will be thrown in jail for this? I love my grandmother very much but I'm scared. I'm starting my senior year in two days and I'm terrified that I will get thrown in jail or be rejected from a college over being stressed and saying something stupid.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Who told you that you were reported for elderly abuse? Has APS contacted you and launched a formal investigation, or was this just a comment from someone at the doctor's office?
Even if an investigation is started I'm certain it will never go beyond the initial stages (unless there is more you are not telling us), I think most of us on this site could be locked away if they were throwing people in jail for a few nasty comments!
Helpful Answer (18)
Report

Of course you will not be thrown in jail for this, it will not affect your college application either. Do not worry. I know we all get frustrated, stressed out, and often say things we do not mean, however keep in mind older people tend to be more fragile. Everything is going to be OK, and maybe next time you can just count up to ten or something ; )
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

You won't be thrown in jail. If it was your appt how would they know your grand mom's name to report?
Yep we all say stupid stuff at times - nobody's perfect. Chalk it up to a learning experience.
But that doesn't make it right to call your grandmother "stupid", whether in public or not.
Lesson learned. Don't worry. You love your grandmother and will probably not react that way again.
Good luck in your senior year!
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Has anything come of the remarks made about what you said in public to your grandmother?

You were very rude. One can understand why. It's not okay, but it's not going to be put right either by being blown out of proportion. Apologise to your grandmother and let that be the end of it. And leave more time for car journeys - as people get older, everything just does take longer and that's just how it is. I sympathise with your stress.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

I would not want to know what would happen to me if all my thoughts were blurted out loud. There probably isn't a place for people like me, lol.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Dear Naenae,

I know you only said those words due to stress and frustration. One incident of blurting out the wrong words won't get you into trouble for elder abuse. I know you love your grandmother and it was not intentional. Please apologize to your grandmother and do not let this stop you for continuing to see her and help her. We all do things we regret. We learn, we say sorry and we move on.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

You are allowed to vent about your grandmother when she's not present. If you are calling someone "stupid" and "idiot" in their presence, it's called verbal abuse, whether it's a friend, a sibling, a child or and elder.

The difference is, when it's a child or an elder, it's reportable, because they are vulnerable populations.

I take it that you have been contacted by APS.

When they come to the house to interview you and grandma, separately, I assume that you will be contrite and not make excuses for your behavior.

I assume that grandma will say that she's not being verbally abused by you.

APS will then close the case and you will have learned a valuable lesson about not letting your emotions rule your behavior. It's a life lesson, and one well learned at 18.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I agree with BarbBrooklyn, at 18 you are on the cusp of adulthood, and it is time you learn the difference between acceptable childish outbursts and decent adult restraint. When I see people having temper tantrums out in public, especially when it is directed toward someone in a vulnerable position, I always think that anyone who allows themselves to be so abusive in public is likely even worse is in the privacy of their own homes.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Too much of a load for an 18yr old
This kind of stress is too much for me at 55 ! I have not had outbursts ever with my dad but that doesn't mean I don't want to... I am on the edge of it though and recognized it so yesterday I gave up being his POA.
My husband is taking over .
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Maybe get your own place and start living your own life that's what I would do
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You are still in high school so discuss it with your school councillor.
It was certainly rude and grandma should receive an apology, but It is questionable whether or not she is a vulnerable adult. She is certianly elderly and lives with your uncle who is brain damaged and takes care of her own business.
granma was certainly stupid in giving you directions that were confusing and could have endangered you both.
You mentioned that you had just recieved your permit so I assume you still need a licensed adult to ride with you.
Gosh if anyone heard my husband he would spend the rest of his life in jail.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop worrying and get ready for the school year you are a responsible caring adult.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I believe when we are under stress overwhelmed, and an elder pushes the right button, we can explode. It's human nature.

My explosion was any time my 90+ year old Dad would say he was going to start driving again..... NOOOOO.... so we went around and around about how dangerous this was, and that how he could lose his house and all his savings if he was the cause of a serious accident. I could feel my voice getting higher and higher. I was so stressed I was shaking.

Then there were times when my Dad had a serious illness and Mom didn't like that there was this recliner in Dad's hospital room, she wanted it moved out. I explained to her this was for Dad so he could sit up during the day. She still wanted it moved. I was already stressed due to the situation and I said "Mom, this isn't about you".

All my life I never raised my voice or even had a bad row with my parents.... it didn't start until they become so elderly, refused to move from that unsafe house [stairs], refused to have caregivers, refused to have cleaning crews, etc. When you lose a lot of sleep due to an elder, it isn't easy to think straight.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I sure can see a problem here - the way it works is that after a person reaches a certain age they are "vulnerable" and you risk sanctions if you say anything that might be considered rude, no matter how understandable. But I guess you don't get this protection simply because you are not "vulnerable"? All human beings are "vulnerable" in various ways and no one should be abused. But let's be reasonable here- if everyone who lost their temper was in jail, who would cook dinner?
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I'm thinking there is more to the story...
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Any poor treatment of children and elderly must be reported by certain professions, a dentist office being a good example of that. First, if you have a car to drive to and from the boyfriend and you seem to consider yourself quite the adult, why didn't you go by yourself? Second, stressed or not, where is the respect your Grandmother deserves just for being your Grandmother but most important the person who raised you. So yes verbal abuse from anyone is elder abuse. I think you need to find better coping skills because calling people names is very childish and something you should not be doing at the age of 18. Name calling is what small children and bullies do. It doesn't matter that your brother passed away. So instead of working about jail, go find yourself an anger management class, find a church where you can learn to cope without being abusive, and if you can't show respect to the elders you are related to then go get your own apartment and pay all of your own bills. You seem proud that you clean your room...try helping your gm clean the whole house. You said this poor woman raised you and is the caretaker of her adult son. Did it occur to you that this is not the life and elderly person would choose? Stop thinking of only yourself, apologize to gm, help her out more, and be a person who shows respect to those who kept you out of the foster care system.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

My PCP is required to ask 'Do you feel safe at home?" at every appointment. Staff could interpret your comment as a red flag and follow their protocol. It's best not to utter all your thoughts.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This child's grandmother raised her well in that she knew inherently she was wrong to call her GM "stupid". Yes her issue is she is worried about being charged with elder abuse but realized what she did was very wrong. Have none of us used poor judgement or lack control of our words in our lives?
This 18 y/o is a child. We don't know her circumstances.
Yes what she did was terrible and let's hope it doesn't happen again.
I hope her grandma forgives her & if GM can do so, let's hope the 18 y/o learned a lesson and allow her to move on.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Grow up !
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Was it stupid of your grandmother to give you bad or wrong directions that could have gotten you both seriously hurt or killed? Yes! You had a moment of anger and frustration, you are human and learning how to behave an an adult. You are learning how to drive and it can be scary in some situations. Apologize to your grandmother and ask that she doesn't give you bad directions because it endangers the both of you when she is in the car with you and you are driving. CathyW, the grow up was uncalled for and more than a little nasty. We all do some pretty stupid things and say stupid things when we are that young.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I love rovana's comment "if we were all locked up for being angry, who would cook dinner?" But even more, I want to underscore what BarbBrooklyn said. You are 18, which is barely adult. You have a year of high school left which if barely educated. You live halftime with a boyfriend, which is barely responsible. And you clean your own room. Hello! That's the bare minimum! Does Grandma call you stupid and an idiot and irresponsible? I doubt it. Would she like to from time to time? Guaranteed! Especially since she IS a caregiver and DOES have the considerable amount of stress that goes with that. So -- the only way this is about you is this: you have a temper and if you don't learn to manage it without attacking other people, it will hold you back your entire life. APS is not your danger. It's only your temper that could make you do something stupid that would have a negative impact on your college acceptance. It's only your temper that could make you say stupid things in college that would get you expelled or downgraded in your professors' eyes. it's only your temper that could get you into real trouble in the workplace. It will get you fired, and it will make it harder for you to find the next job. It's only your temper that will make you a questionable choice as wife or mother. Sounds like you have a good foundation for being a good, caring person, but you are slipping into a "she owes me everything she's done for me and it's never been enough" attitude. She does NOT owe you. The world does not owe you. You owe yourself the realization at this early age that you are in charge of the quality of your life. You choose your focus. If you choose to focus on the love you have for your grandma, even when you are annoying each other, your life quality will tend to be pretty good. If you choose to focus on all the ways she's stupid and an idiot, your life quality will pretty much suck. It's up to you. Sounds like you have had some really rough breaks. I do sympathize with that, having had a couple of rounds of those myself when I was in high school. That's why I'm telling you this. It took me more than 30 years to begin to accept my own responsibility for my life quality and stop blaming other people, situations, or experiences. Calling someone names can feel very powerful in the moment, but it's actually announcing to the world that you choose to be a victim, and there will always be people willing to help victimize you if you advertise. If you want to have some real power, try accessing that inner power that gives insight, restraint, and the ability to be better than runaway emotions will ever allow you to be. So yes, school counselor, church, anger management, support groups -- all these would be really good things to do NOW, while you still have time and support in your life to do this. No one's going to put you in jail for your temper tantrum, but if you make this a habitual way of responding to frustration, you will imprison your own potential 'cause it will all be sucked dry by the anger.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

geevesnc, agree there's prob lots more to the story...
The main thing that's strikes me is that this young girl reached out here at AGING CARE for advice!! "18" IS an adult but still VERY young. Don't know if too many 18s around me that search the net on places like AC.
Maybe gma is stressed too...
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I also agree with Barb Brooklyn. Your just 18 and you have learned a hard lesson on how life is in the real world. You stated you normally don't get angry at grandma, you just got your drivers license, you drove on the highway for the first time and you felt like you were in danger. You were obviously stressed. How many of us have gotten angry in the car while driving? I have, especially if I felt like someone put me in danger.

Your behavior at the time gave the office staff a bad impression of you and maybe they felt concern for grandma. Next time, take a deep breath, calm down and then proceed. If you act inappropriately, apologize and explain your behavior. Perception is everything today. I would apologize to grandma and just learn from your mistakes.

If APS does call, be honest and tell the truth. I was accused of elder abuse. APS came out, investigated the matter and saw that mom was well taken care of. We all make mistakes. If you are normally good to grandma, then I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

My mother said HORRIBLE things to my father (he has dementia) at restaurants, at the doctor's office, etc. for years, and no one ever batted an eye that I am aware of. I kept waiting for someone to intervene (lord knows I tried) but all anyone ever did was give a look of disgust. I was therefore under the impression that it takes a lot to qualify as abuse. Yours sounds very minimal compared to what I've witnessed!!! Cut yourself some slack, you are too young to be dealing with this.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I understand why gm was with you,you only bad a permit. Is there anyone else that can help you while learning to drive? This doesn't sound like a good situation as you are extra nervous after your brother's death, it seems as though gm is not cognizant enough to help you. Short words are repairable, your loss of lives are not...drive with someone better able to concentrate on your driving.
If this was reported, it will be a brief interview as you explain t h e circumstances. Remain calm during interview, keep only to topic. Don't blowup on gm
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Upstream, right or wrong I expect that your parent's situation was viewed as domestic conflict, and since it was the woman being the aggressor instead of the other way around people tolerated it or just wanted to get away from it. When it is seen as an unequal conflict people are more ready to step in.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hello all. I generally agree with those who focus on how Naenae needs to learn to control her expression of emotions.

And it seems to me that Lindabf's words are thoughtful and helpful, to a young person, for there is a shift in perception that we need to go through, from focusing on what we feel is bad in our lives and complaining without thought - to looking for ways to show more positives and work on our routines and respect - that can help change communication patterns and really help us fit in elsewhere.

But I cry for the widespread lack of focus on the importance of communication from young to old, while so much focus is only on blame of the young or outcasts for the style, without affirming the value of the apology, AND a conversation that gives explanations and intentions on both sides, and maybe setting new boundaries with respect.

Strikes me that grandma was not paying attention, when she was in the role of the agreed upon accompanied person for a new driver, who said she was nervous because the interstate was a new challenge.

It also strikes me that Naenae asked for some of the confusion by being late for the appointment - which adds stress and less time to try to communicate what you need, and less time to tell grandma that you are pretty nervous going on the interstate for the first time. With more awareness, you could ask her explicitly, to set the phone down during this ride, and if she refuses, pull over to the side and stop and say, please, I'm very nervous here, I want your help for the next part of the ride.

I had to raise my youngest brother, born with brain injury, into adulthood. And the whole world, particularly of women, was ready to fear him and diagnose him, forgive him, or talk endlessly to him about the error of his ways for his explosive temper, or call the police if he acted belligerent.

Yes, I saw that was a lesson he needed to learn. I demanded explicitly in many forms, sometimes written, sometimes on the phone or in public where I would have no risk of his temper, taught him that he needed to talk to me in a respectful way. He improved, but he had years of prior forgiveness to unlearn - and bad habits of being able to have seizures or threaten them, if people were not listening to him. I had to teach him this might gain people's attention, but this method hurt him and did not help others trust him or learn about him. So he would drop out of most places, for he had no method to learn to talk and listen.

He improved slowly but gradually, so I kept defending him, even if he would slip at times - but he learned to stand back farther at least.

And it helped for me to learn to end conversations simply, if he was triggered. Not try to push a conversation when feelings are high. Recognize that he was anxious and upset, and step back from trying to teach him anything in that moment. My lessons could wait, and we learned lots from each other later, when I asked him to talk.

In our after conversations, I discovered that at times, I'm insensitive, talk too much. He would usually apologize for "over-reacting" but I'd ask what had bothered him - and ask about specific actions or words that led up to his outburst. In that conversation, I learned so much more about how I might rush in a conversation.
By listening to him after those moments, I learned about how he found it confusing and challenging to juggle different goals set by different adults - and many gave him conflicting suggestions.

I did kept the focus on helping him learn social skills, but by being curious about what was going on for him - and making time to address this later, I learned about him what help I could offer and how to encourage him. Both parties perhaps, and yes, set boundaries that clarify signals. But do more than focus only on the reprimand for explosive behavior - yes that needs to stop and there should be consequences - minor ones, short lived, but making the point explicit.

But also take action to talk about feelings, so that both parties can learn that people are good, and different people trying to manage tasks together is complicated, both struggling with a complicated world that is confusing and demanding, often blind, unfair, mean and deceiving, many different messages for the young to assess. Make time for the after-conversation to clarify why those feelings arose - it can help you both know each other more and show you care.

And, Naenae, I agree too: shape up from being so rude, both in public and at home, find ways to just say, "I can't talk with you now, I'm too upset" and step away. Say words that explain what action was upsetting - not use general put-downs that show negativity in broad ways that clarify nothing the other can recognize except your feelings. Feelings don't explain themselves, you have to do that.

It's important to have a conversation that tells grandma, that if she will be the adult riding with you, and you are grateful if she does - but you need her to pay attention, not be on a phone. I'd guess she'll agree - it sounds as if you have a longstanding relationship of care and love between you - a precious value, worth getting it better. If she seems not to be able to agree to not use the phone, especially when you ask - then say, until you are more confident, you need someone who helps you if you ask.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter