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My nana, who is dying of endstage emphysema, and getting worse every day told the hospice chaplain that she wants to die with me and my two boys at her side....um, i love her with all of my heart and would do anything for her, and if i have to, I would be at her side, but I pray to God that when he decides to bring her home to please let him do it in her sleep....idk that i will be able to not totally lose it if im there when it happens, i know i dont want my 10 year old to endure that, and my 18 year old says no way, he can barely handle to come visit her periiodically b/c the ill lady in the other room is not his nana....so do I discuss this with her? Do i discuss it with hospice chaplain and ask him to talk to her about it, or do I just leave it it God's hands, since that's where it all is anyway. And am I selfish for even thinking any of this?

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To pooh: I've read all of this and all I can tell you are my experiences: my dad was going down rapidly. His granddaughter went to our basement after drinking most of his morphine prescription...but at the time we didn't know this...we just knew he didn't have enough morphine. I had to go to the only drugstore that kept morphine to get more. This drugstore was at least an extra 45 minutes round trip than if we could have gone to a closer one. Because of this I missed my father passing. It angered me (after we found out about the misuse of the morphine by my niece) that she had taken not only time away from me and my dad, but also missing his passing. My mothers passing was so much different for me...I was with her, one hand on her left cheek and my other hand holding her left hand. It was a very spiritual experience and even though I was and still am sadden by her passing, I find it also comforting. You will have to decide, but I feel like you could have peace knowing you helped her to the very end.
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pooh, if the boys are there when it happens, don't chase them away. On the other hand, don't keep them up all night or keep them away from school and friends to hold vigil. Let it be natural, let them live their lives. Often they will hang on as long as you are in the room. You need to give her permission to go, tell her it is ok. They wait for you to leave briefly, to answer the door, to take a call, to cook a meal, and then they cross over. You come back and they are gone, peacefully. Be glad for their peace.
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If you read the hospice booklet or talk to people who had loved ones pass you will see that it is common for people to let go and pass while their loved ones are out of the room. My own grandmother waited until my aunt went to the restroom. When she came out my grandmother had passed. My 84 year old MIL IS IN A NURSING HOME AND ON HOSPICE CARE. THEY ARE WONDERFUL!! They provide excellent care for the mind, body and soul. They have been such a comfort for all of us providing extra care. Medicare pays 100% for their services so there is no reason not to call them. God bless you all who are putting your life on hold while you help someone transition with love, care and dignity.
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Oh, pooh, my heart is with yours! Blessings on you. I've learned that when people die (other than in an accident) they decide when they are going to pass. That is the very last thing in their life that they are able to do. Some choose to die without being surrounded by loved ones, some with them, Whatever happens in your case please know that your loved one has decided when the time has come. Try not to blame yourself if the time comes and you happen to be in another room, etc. I say these things because I have experienced it several times and this is something our Hospice has mentioned that happens.
Try to remember the good times and try to tell your mom about them. The hearing is the last sense to go even when you think they can't know what is being said. Soothing talk helps even though they probably can't respond vocally. And holding hands also helps.
Bless you, pooh!! My heart hears your cry.
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I was with my mom when she passed too. Its all true. I think I am glad I was the only one of the family, and I think it was meant to be that way. The memories of the death itself do fade in intensity, though reading this thread kind of brought it back a little!! I held her hand and told her it was all right, she'd done her best...I may not have done all the best things through the whole caregiving experience, or maybe I did, but mom handled it all as best she could. I didn't get to be with my dad - he had staff who cared about him with him, but I honestly regret that more. MANY years ago now, my kids were exposed to some things with my in-laws when I thought it was best Never To Hide Anything, because so many people hide so much and cut off sorely needed communication that way - usually by hiding things that aren't really hidden anyways! - and it did not do them good at all. Pooh, it WILL be OK - it will take a while to FEEL OK - but you know, you really DID do the best, of all of us writing on here I think. :-) Hugs and prayers...
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I think it is important to remember that we come into and leave this world in the same way. As a child, we are incapable of taking care of ourselves so our family takes care of our every need. The elderly sometimes have similar or exactly the same needs. I truly believe that taking care of a loved one is one of the hardest tasks in life but it is also one of the greatest gifts we can give them. Show her how much you appreciate and love her by doing as much as you can for her. It can be VERY difficult at times. However, you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. Treasure the good times and try to make new wonderful moments. Keep in mind that you are loving and caring for her - just like she did when you came into the world.
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I'm sorry. I sent this too soon. In regards to your children, I sent my 18 year old away to take my 84 year old mother home at her request.I am glad he was not there although he helped take care of my father for 8 months. He learned how to take care of trachs and other needs. I was present for several other deaths of beloved relatives, and I am not certain that was such a good idea for a 7 and 12 year old. My grandfather instructed the nurses that he did not want me to remember him dying and to remove me before it happened. That was a gift from him to me. All of this is personal choice ,and I know our group has a tendency to become a little sidetracked and opinionated However, I think you did the exact things that needed to be done. Please rest in peace now and give your children the gift of no guilt. You sound like the person who would do so. Blessings to all of you. Rebecca
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Pooh, I am so sorry that the end for your Nana was so tough for you. From what the nurses and doctors have told me, it is much worse on the family than the person who is dying.When my father passed away, he had said the important things like your Nana said to you.After a weak person has done that, I believe it is our turn to just be there IF WE ARE ABLE TO DO SO.
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Tennesse's daughter, I just want to commend you for what you did for your grandfather and your dad. I think they were both very lucky to have someone so special and dear to them by their side when their time came. I think that is what we all want when it is our time. No one would wish to be alone. You are very mature for your age and it sounds like these experiences may have brought you a very helpful gift to help others, maybe a career in hospice or another helping field. God bless you.
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i really miss my nana....my boyfriend (apparently w.o thinking about it) turned off the lamp in her bedroom tonight and shut the door to block out the light of the tv, b/c i cant turn either off, and i freaking broke down....he cldv just shut the door, and not turned off the lamp....this pain that is supposed to get easier, isnt getting easier....the periods of utter sadness are less, however the pain is not....thanks for so many kind and encouraging words.
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Pooh, you are NOT being selfish! People deal with things in different ways and don't feel guilty for your feelings. You do what you think is best. God has a will of working things out - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. My five year old son offered his grandfather ice cream as he lay dying in a nursing home, refusing to eat. It makes the kids see death for what it really is - it's not all pretty, but there are also rainbows. My kids have lost three grandparents already -two just recently. It's a hard subject to talk about, but they have their "angels' in heaven watching over them. Again, I am praying for you in this situation!

I would talk to the chaplain - I think that would help a lot!
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What a beautiful tribute to your love for your Dad and his dignity in death, with your loving support. Your sharing means a lot to me, personally. I agree with you, Nauseated, that we each have our own experiences we bring to bear in our sharing with each other. No situation is ever all or nothing as this post and discussion thread serve to illustrate. This post and everyone's sharing has been very touching. Bet your Dad's love shines brightly for you through time and space...eternity. Peace, Nauseated. You have outdone yourself as a caregiver by being there when it most counted for you and your Dad.
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Wow, you are all awesome caregivers!!!!! This is such a very personal choice, and no one has all the right answers, we just each have our own experiences to share, and try to help and support one another by sharing those experiences. I haven't posted in many months, since my Dad's passing. Hospice nurses will tell you that the ultimate decision on who is in the room when the loved one passes is by the one dying. I truly believe this by hearing the many stories. I was lucky enough.....no....honored to be chosen by my Dad to be in the room with him during his last breath, and I got to hear the very last beat of his heart with my head on his chest. I am also grateful that he was not alone. I would have felt horrible for the rest of my life, had I not been there, and I think my Dad sensed this (I say this because he could no longer speak, due to a massive stroke), and allowed only myself to be there, before the remainder of the family was there. Children, of course should be allowed to decide for themselves. There is much fear of the unknown, but the experience for me was a beautiful one, but this is just my opinion only. Good luck to you all, many hugs.
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DocCaregivers, love the way you put it, and I wholeheartedly agree. Each person who knows his or her upper limits knows just how far is enough.
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Please discuss this with your Chaplain or whomever you feel will Defend YOU! Being a Caregiver does not require that you go beyond your own self-protection. This is an example of "The Caregiver's Dilemma!" It is very typical of the Caregiver Personality to, "give until it hurts!" Someone may ask you to do that but no one can expect it of you. I would gladly say more here but given time and space restrictions I will leave it here... please consult with someone that will Defend YOU as you Care for someone else.

HONOR yourself as you Care for others!
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Pooh, I am so sorry for you loss of your nana. What a gift to her that you were able to be with her at the very end. It also occurred to me that you were giving her another gift by holding back your cries with every once of strength you had, so that she would feel allowed to move on to Heaven and those awaiting her there. God bless you and your family.
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Oh Pooh, I was thinking of you last night and now I know that your Nana and my Mom have met in Heaven.
Thank you for being here with us and sharing your pain. It hurts so bad. Mom has only been gone since this Wednesday and I have been crying and sleeping so much. You rest too Pooh because you worked so hard to make it good for your Nana. You are a good daughter and granddaughter and like Always said, Nana left behind an angel and that angel is you.
lovbob
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So sorry Pooh. Take some well deserved time for yourself and family. You have been through a lot and need to grieve, then you can get back to the business of living. You can be proud of yourself for all you did for your nana!
Take care.
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May God be with you Pooh and your Nana always be with you in your heart. You are very brave....I was there and went through it all too. I would not have changed it even though it was terribly hard and the memories will always haunt me. You did a wonderful job and I know that all you sacrificed was worth all the rewards that it brought you in the last seven months. I know your Nana was proud of you to the very end. Hugs to you...
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Pooh how wonderful that your nana was able to tell you how wonderful you are, she is right you know.

Much peace and blessings to you and your family and thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
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pooh, I give my deepest sympathy. Your nana is in heaven, peaceful, pain free and rejoicing with her family. She left a angel here on earth... you. May your grief be short lived and your memories sweet. I'm praying for you and yours.
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Pooh, please accept my condolences. I admire you no end, including for not sugar-coating your nana's death experience. While some deaths are entirely peaceful, others are not, even when palliative care may be involved. To be perfectly truthful, nurses and doctors are trained to handle what you have described as "the trauma of death." I am not, nor do I wish to be. I am glad your nana is at peace now, and I sure do hope that the traumatic aspects of her death will quickly be lost to the blessed memories of her life and your tender loving care of her in her life transition. In the end, everything you shared in this post about yourself tells me that first and foremost, you know yourself better than anyone else, and you knew your upper emotional endurance limit. There is everything right with that, in my opinion. No need to be a martyr in life...or death. I wish I could give you a much-needed hug. Instead, I am about to say a prayer for you and your dear children. In the days and months ahead, slow down and make plenty of time for yourself. You have seen life and death up close and personal. Time to take a break. May God bless you. When my Dad died, I learned that love never dies. Hold fast to those very best nana memories. All is well with nana.
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Pooh: I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure that it was a tramatic experience for you. But those 'bad memories' will fade You made it easier for your Nana to 'crossover' and the good memories you have, and the closeness you both shared hopefully will sustain you through this most difficult time.

God bless you and give you strength to remember all that was good.
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Thank y'all so much. My nana went Home to God and her children, parents, siblings and other loved ones at 8:20 last night. It was by far the worst thing I have ever gone through...the waiting for her impending death was heartwreching and when I had to withhold my cries so she would let go was painfrul as well, and then the physical sight of her foaming at the mouth, and that last breath will stay with me forever, but so will the last 7 months in which we had grown as close as ever, hearing how much she loves me, and how proud she is of me and the way i cared for her, the person i've become and the children i've raised. Hopefully the trauma of her death will fade and those things that make my smart smile will prevail. Thanks to all of you for your support, it has been most appreciated. xoxo
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pooh, my Dad was my heart, and he died in an ICU. I was not there when he died. I would not have wanted to be, either. When Dad said his goodbyes before slipping back into a coma, he looked to the phlebotomist who had drawn his blood to express his thanks for everything the ICU staff had done for him. I was at his bedside, yet, he didn't see me, or look my way. I was just fine with that, and no one loved my Dad more than I do and still do. The world won't end if you are not there when your nana dies, pooh. I applaud you for saying:

"As for me, I'm spending time in there, and time out of there...."

May your nana, and you, be at peace. There is no formula when it comes to living, or dying. Sounds like you are trying to maintain a sense of balance, serenity and peace, instead of worry and guilt. I'm proud of you, pooh.

My Daddy taught me that once I had done my best, angels could do no more, and that only I knew whether I had done my best. Follow your spirit, not conventions. Hugs. Praying you and your nana through this difficult life transition.
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Pooh, you have set up such a peaceful, comfortable setting for your nana there in your home, with the hospice nurses there to assist you. Your nana is so fortunate to have you to help her and be with her.
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You're doing fine Pooh, just fine. Take those little breaks when you need them but you're definately being a blessing to her.
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i am taking like shifts, spending a good bit of time in her room, talking to her, holding her hand, stroking face, arms, belly....then i take a lil shift out of there, usually in my room....you know this whole process since nana moved in with me has been incredibly difficuilt, i wasnt prepared for it, but i knew without a doubt, here with me is where she needed to be, and knowing now that I was bringing her to my house to die (it began as rehab, and then her getting indepence to stay in a lil place closer to me, before we knew of the disease) I would do it all over again. Now, this phase, the "actively dying" phase is what is almost killing me, breaking my heart soooooo much, it's definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through in life, and I've gone through a lot....the hospice nurse described it as one door thru the gates of heaven, and one still in our world, i do hope she makes that other step soon....she has children, siblings, her parents waiting for her, and up there she wont be saddled down with a lung disease or weakened bones.....
I'm so glad I found this place, if only I had looked earlier....but I'm thankful for all the support and advice I have found here in the short time I've been here.
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Pooh, I think each case is different personally. My Dad had COPD and passed away two years ago quite suddenly. He had gone to the hospital for a kidney ailment and just got worse and passed quite unexpectedly. My Mom, sister, daughter, niece, nephew and his wife were all in the room with Dad. His 'girls' were all sitting on the bed with him when he took his last breath.....it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but we all needed each other and he needed us. We talked to him and held him and rubbed his hands and arms until he was gone. We didn't think we could have ever done that beforehand but we knew it's what he wanted and drew our strength from him to be there. I would not change it for anything looking back. He left this life surrounded by the most important people in his life and he was happy. Hope this helps you make your decision.
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Pooh, that is good that your nana isn't suffering. And that your sons were able to say their good-byes and I love you's to their "great"-nana. God is helping you through this. So many wonderful, supportive comments here from the agingcare gang.
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