My nana, who is dying of endstage emphysema, and getting worse every day told the hospice chaplain that she wants to die with me and my two boys at her side....um, i love her with all of my heart and would do anything for her, and if i have to, I would be at her side, but I pray to God that when he decides to bring her home to please let him do it in her sleep....idk that i will be able to not totally lose it if im there when it happens, i know i dont want my 10 year old to endure that, and my 18 year old says no way, he can barely handle to come visit her periiodically b/c the ill lady in the other room is not his nana....so do I discuss this with her? Do i discuss it with hospice chaplain and ask him to talk to her about it, or do I just leave it it God's hands, since that's where it all is anyway. And am I selfish for even thinking any of this?
Tennessee's daughter went straight to the point, while I tried to be political with my support. I absolutely loved her comment. She's so strong ... and a kind heart to boot. She's already seen one of the faces of death, and her preparation is well under way because she knows that life is a cycle. Death, then, is also a beginning.
Knowing that you're going to die, in my opinion, isn't as scary as the thought of dying alone. Because you're not sure how your children are going to handle one of the most important lessons in life, I suggest you leave them out of it ... for now.
If only we all took the time to prepare for death and accept it as a natural part of life itself, holding a moribund woman's hand to allay her fears and comfort her while she makes her way back to where she came from we wouldn't be so afraid. Pooh, it's time for you to face that fear and begin to prepare for when your time comes.
I wish you the best my friend, and stay in touch.
Best~
Hap
Tennesee's daughter: you are a very brave young lady. Not everyone your age can be that brave, and those that are not as brave need to be comforted when loses occur. My great-neice (also 10yrs old) was terrified to see her greatgrandmother at the funeral. We didn't force her to, but she went with me to the nursing and was perfectly at ease there when other family members would not go!
We need to talk to those who are involved (Nana, if they are able to understand) and see what the best solution is. There is never just ONE answer, but there are always plenty of questions.
Be strong. Listen to our elders... one day (God willing) we will be old too with wishes of our own and hopefully someone will be willing to uphold those wishes.
Being with them was important for me not just to them; it was a sign of love and respect for them. One could argue that they were so out of it that they wouldn't know otherwise but I am convinced they knew I and other family were there. Supporting someone like this is not about YOU it's about THEM and what they need. It's okay to permit your kids to stay home; it's their choice but please consider that your own fear may make they afraid. If your Nana gets hospice care they will do a good job of making her physically comfortable; you shouldn't have to do a thing. for your own comfort I suggest that you talk with them about the process of death that your Nana will go through. Ask as many questions as you can think of. Given that it's emphysema, she might go into a coma and die in her sleep; the worst part of that death is the long days prior and being unable to breath. She might also become easily confused due to lack of oxygen - these are all details the hospice or her doctor and provide. If you know what to expect it will be less scary for you. If YOU need someone with you then ask a friend or the chaplain to be there with you at the end. They are experienced at this as well.
As for you Nana, tell her you love her as often as possible. When she asks again tell her you'll do all you can to ensure she's comfortable and loved. It's not a lie - you will do all you CAN- emotionally and physically .. but I do urge you to prepare yourself so that it's less scary. If you do loose it - so what! It's your loved relative, crying at their loss is completely acceptable and normal. Once she's gone, you might also have a sense of relief; don't feel guilty! It's normal and it's because you no longer see them suffering and living in some place other than "home". Seeing Nana through this process is one of the two hardest things you can do in life, the other is childbirth. If you can get through that you can get through anything! Hang in there, ask for help and support for her and for yourself. Good luck and blessings to you all.
Maybe she should think about becoming a doctor. She definitely will be an asset in any field that involves helping people!
Needless to say, it's great to see such a young person stand up to her strong feelings. As she gets older, she will also come to understand and respect that we all have the right to deal with life in our own way.
In the end, we only have to answer to God and ourselves. It doesn't matter what other people think about how we choose to live our lives, as long as we can live with our own actions.
Keep on doing what you're doing. You have a great little girl!
Most children never go through the things you have, and therefore don't have the understanding of how to cope with such loss and sadness. Parents are there to make things easier for their children, and most of us try to shield them from this kind of sadness. Unless sickness and death are right in your own home, it's hard to describe the feeling each individual will have towards the subject.
I for one did not suffer a family loss until I was 18, and it was devastating. Those memories and feelings made me protect my daughter from having to go through the same pain whenever I could, while she was growing up.
I think it's very admirable that you feel this way, but I can't help but think how sad it is for you to have even had to go through so much as such a young age. I for one, have a very hard time dealing with such sadness and don't feel anyone should be called a wimp or selfish for not being able to cope with death.
What is your biggest fear? A huge spider climbing up your leg? Next time that happens to you, remember how it feels, and maybe you will be mature enough to understand other people's fears, not matter what it is.
No one is selfish, no one is angry and no one hurts like we all hurt in our own ways.
There is a world of difference between anger and grief. And our grief will surface in unusual ways.
blessings to all who take the time to answer and help those of us who need the help and support to make it through another day.
Pooh: you are right. God will decide and at the end of the day it all really doesn't matter. You and your children love your nana and she knows that and so does God. he will spare you and yours what you truly cannot handle and it's no concern to anyone but you and your children.
Your nana will be released from her pain and she will know the truth and the huge scope of your love and she will smile with the countenance of a saint when she takes her place in the heavens.
As for the thoughts of our 10 year old 'old soul', I am interested in what you have to say. You are a caring individual to take your time to help us and what you did wth your Dad and Grandad is so sweet and enough to bring me to tears. Just please be tender with us because we are bruised and broken with life and the pain we feel now is something you have already experienced and have the wisdom to help guide us and I for one thank you. Just be tender with Pooh and her children and Pamela and her amazing challenges while she cares for her mom. We are all tired and sore and ready to be on the BOAT!
Wish I had something more intelligent to say but I am in fear that my mom won't last the night and I can't stop crying. I want her to be released from her suffering but the selfish part of me dosen't want her to go. Ow. Hurts so bad. I hope I'm next to her when it happens.
I sat ther so long yesterday that my butt fell asleep. I didn't realize it was asleep until I tried to walk across the room. I'm walking like one of Jerry's kids and mom sees me and gives me the eyebrows as in what's up and I said A** asleep and she laughed. I could live with a sleepy butt forever if I could hear my mother's laugh.
Love to all and please let's love each other. In some cases we are all each of us has. (Like my case).
lovbob
Whatever your final decision may be, make it right for you. Love transcends rituals. Best to you, your children and your nana during this difficult period in your lives. Am saying a little prayer for right outcomes and guidance for you. Keep sharing if it helps any, ok?
I've visited people in hospital rooms that no one thought was awake or would wake up to whom I read from the Bible and they remebered it when they came totally too later.
From all of that, I would say it is very likely that your dad did hear you.
Even though my dad was dying, I want so badly to believe he heard my words. Thanks Crowe for saying that the hearing is the last to go.
To get techical, God was there at the very moment of our conception as our parents were co-creators with God of us as a living being.
Amen, God is with us in life, death, and after death!
Concerning being alone.
1. In a sense, we are alone in the womb when we go through the birth cannal until we are actually born.
2. There are critical decisions that each person can only make for themselves if they are to grow in that developmental stage of life. In those times, we often feel alone.
3. When it comes to the actual act or experience of dying our hearing, if we had any to begin with, is gone and in a sense we die alone which lasts until we are on the other side where we are no longer alone.
Best of all, God is with us.
1. When the hospice chaplian shared this with you did they also include how they responded? My own take on this woud have been to validate her feelings while encouraging her to express and discuss this wish with you.
2. The one thing that I have not read in any response is the issue of timing probability. I've seen enough people die which included times when the family was called during which experiences the exact or even close to it time of death was varried.
What I am trying to say is that while the fear of abandonment and the desire to die without feeling alone is entirely understandable, the likelyhood of any one particular family member being right there by her side at her precise point of death has a very, very low probability. The only way to increase the probability is to stay right there 24/7 which is neither healthy nor realistic.
3. What advice or instruction did the hospice chaplain offer?
Having almost died myself many years ago, I will say that from my own experience the medical information is very true that the very last sense to go is hearing.
This is not an easy situation at all and one which needs all of us to be supportive first and foremost.