How do I address feelings of hopelessness with my Mom who is a caregiver for my grandparents?
Grandfather is 92 and is now in a hospice. My mother (daughter-in-law) visits him every day. Grandmother is 88 and requires a lot of care as well. She is in relatively good health but is demential, diabetic, and has hand tremors. She requires four insulin shots a day and can't do it herself because of her shaky hands and that she has almost no short-term memory anymore. My grandfather used to do that but now that responsibility has fallen to my mother.
My mother works from home as a part-time accountant and also manages some of her own real estate. Because of the schedule for grandmother's care, my mother is not able to do the activities that she used to do. She can't go to church anymore, can't go to nightly Bible studies, and most importantly, she can't leave town to see her own father who is also in his upper 80's.
I call her every day and she recently expressed to me that she feels stuck and feels that life has no purpose or joy. Her only joy is being able to talk to me. She and my grandparents have always had some animosity but she does it out of an obligation after her husband passed away. I've suggested moving my grandmother to a home as well but grandmother is stubborn and expects my mother to keep caring for her. She also does not want to spend the money required to get some in-home care.
How do I encourage my mother and most importantly, get my grandmother to go to a home so my mother is not overwhelmed with feelings of despair and depression?
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Grandmother has no incentive to make changes. Things are working just fine for her the way they are. She doesn't want strangers in her house. She doesn't want to leave her house. And, whatayaknow, she has someone who makes it unnecessary for her to spend money on strangers or to leave her house. Why on earth would she agree to change? (Well, she should agree to change out of love for her daughter-in-law, but for whatever reason --probably dementia--we see that is not happening.)
The only thing that can change this situation is your mother setting some boundaries. "After the end of this month, I won't be cleaning your house anymore. Would you like me to help you find someone to do it?" "For three days next month I will be visiting my father. We need to figure out who will give you your shots. I'm calling a county social worker to help us figure that out."
Poor Grandmother. She is losing her reasoning ability. She is losing her husband. She doesn't want to face any more changes! I can feel very sympathetic to her situation, without thinking that someone else should sacrifice their life to an irrational extent. I can also understand why your mother, who must be a very empathetic person, is reluctant to oppose Grandmother. But Grandmother really does deserve professional help and a more viable situation. And Mother deserves her own life, to continue her career, and to visit other family members, and to have a social life.
This is not your problem ... in the sense that you should not feel guilty if you can't change it. But the to the extent that you could encourage Mother and empower her to make healthy decisions, you'd be doing mother Grandmother and Mother a favor!
You can point out to your mother that she's endangering her ability to have enough funds to retire on in the future if she fails to work to the end of her career. And that THAT will have an impact upon you! If she can't cut back for her own self-interest, perhaps she can do it for you.