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Hello, I am at my wits end with my brother and his family. My brother, his wife, his adult daughter and her child all live with my 77 yr old father. They have lived with him and his wife for close to 30 yrs and have never paid rent. His wife died in December and he lost both her incomes so he has very little to live on but enough for him only. I finally after much heated arguments got them to agree on $300 each which would give dad $900 a month from them for rent. However this only lasted a few months and now they are not paying or saying they did pay and dad forgot ( they did not pay as I deposit all rent money). Dad is stressed but doesn't like to push and when I push we all fight and dad gets mad at me for creating chaos. I am Dad's POA but not sure what I can do about this? Also they trash the house it's a pig stye daily. I have been going out since my step mother passed in December 5 days a week cleaning and organizing. It's an everyday job with all of them leaving messes and dogs pooping and peeing all over ( their dogs ). It's been 8 months and I am exhausted and get no compensation for cleaning up after them. I get there at 10am and leave between 5 and 7pm sometimes as late as 9:30pm and the next day I come back the house is trashed again. And now my nephew ( my brother's son ) has decided to stay at dad's with his big huge dogs sleeping on the couch making more of a mess and I am getting no answer as to when he is leaving. I am at a loss on what to do. I can't handle the constant arguing with them it really takes a toll on me and dad.
Suggestions? Please

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Assuming you don’t have an immediate poa, this is unfortunately the choice of your father until he is declared incompetent, often times with a diagnosis of dementia.
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Your father should make a stand, but he won’t. You are propping up him and all these other relatives and animals by spending most of your time looking after the house and all of their messes.

This isn’t an argument you can win, unless you can implement the POA over your father’s head, and live with the family consequences. However you can win by stopping what you do to prop it all up. Leave it to get in a complete mess for a month, then call APS about your father’s situation. Let APS be the ones to say that he needs to sell the house, and move to somewhere with adequate care. You may need legal help further on the track, but while you prop up the whole thing, nothing is going to change.

If you explain in advance to your father that this is your only option, it's even possible that he might make a stand himself - perhaps after two or three weeks when he sees that you are serious. Don't argue with him or any of them, just do it,
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Haven't you got your own life to lead?

There are four adults living in that house, five if the nephew qualifies, and it's an arrangement that your father has been accepting for decades - so certainly long before he can have developed any mental incapacity issues. Why are you the visiting housekeeper, and how did this become your mess to sort out?

If I were you I think I'd resign my POA and stay out of it. Why should you accept responsibility for a situation you didn't create and can't control?
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Your father is taking advantage of you. Stop going over there and let the chips fall where they may.
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Sounds like Dad is happy living with the grifters to me.

I mean, Dad *could* move somewhere new.. on his own.. then sell his house - IF he wanted, right? Extreme way to rid oneself of tennants, sure, but has been done before.

Or is the Dementia &/or Parkinson's (as mentioned in profile) at a level to make him unable to. If so, if his care needs are not being met - report to APS as a vulnerable adult.
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If you have POA, you can sell the house out from under them. At the same time you should find a facility where dad can live. The present situation is abusive and unhealthy for dad. Use the house money to pay for dad’s care. And cut those freeloaders out of your lives. You owe nothing to them. They’ll soon find some other victims to support them and their disgusting dogs. But that’s not your problem and never was.
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Grandma1954 Aug 2022
Might not be as easy as selling the house out from under them. They have established residency and would have to be legally evicted. I would think the eviction would have to name each since there are 2 additional "households" the brother and his wife and their Adult child and her child.
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If you are reluctant to disturb whatever balance there currently is in this mess, you could list the house, using your POA, to get SOMEONE (a realtor) in to verify the horrible situation in which your father lives everyday.

You can also contact the lawyer who drafted your father’s POA to establish your current legal status, and if advised by that person, pull your father out and place him in an AL or MC near you.

The important pieces seem to be getting your father out and getting HIS value out of HIS property.

Your father is clearly in an unsafe setting, and safety MUST become your only focus. Are you sure that your daily efforts are not at this point serving to perpetuate the terrible injustice towards your father?

Work to get him out, get whatever value you can get from his real estate, and stop dealing with the messes.

No wonder this is taking a toll on you. YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT in this. TAKE A STAND, and give yourself the credit for doing it.

You and your father deserve better.
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Does your poa spring when dad has been declared incompetent? If he is still presumed competent, you can’t sell his house or even evict these freeloaders.
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So your brother, his wife, their child and grandchild are living with your Dad and have been for the last 30 yrs and you think your going to change things now? I would have thought your step-mother would have put her foot down long ago. But seems she put up with it to.

Has Dad been formally diagnosed with Dementia. If so, unless POA is immediate, you will need a doctor or two (read ur POA) to put that in writing so ur POA is in effect. Once you do that, if Dad has no assets other than his monthly income of SS and maybe a pension, apply for Medicaid and get him into LTC (Longterm Care Facility).

His house will be considered an exempt asset as will one car. Since brother has been living there all these years, Medicaid will probably allow him to remain but...brother will not have Dads income because that goes towards Dads care in the LTC facility. So, brother now will need to pay all the bills on the house. Taxes too. If still a Mortgage that too. If he defaults, on the Mortgage and taxes the house will be either taken back by the bank or sold at Sheriffs sale to cover delinquent taxes. But Dad will be safe, clean and cared for.

You are just beating your head against a brick wall trying to change what Dad allowed all these years. Your POA gives you responsibility for Dad. So use your energy on Dad finding him a decent place to be cared for.
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According to your profile, your father suffers from Alz/dementia? If so, and you are his POA (financial), sell the house, kick the freeloaders OUT, and place dad in a nice Memory Care ALF where he'll be properly looked after and there will be no toxic animal waste he's surrounded by. Check with a Certified Elder Care attorney first, to make sure you're able to do this with the POA you have in force now *b/c changes cannot be made by a demented elder*, and go from there.

Enough is enough & the gravy train has just dried up.

Best of luck.
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"I get there at 10am and leaved between 5 and 7pm sometimes as late as 930pm and the next day I come back the house is trashed again."

Did your stepmother do this? Is that why she died?

And yes, the question of the day (other than why are you doing this) is -- is your father legally mentally incompetent? Because if he is, then he is choosing to live this way, and you should remove yourself entirely from the situation.
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Keligrl36 Aug 2022
My step mother did everything she babied them all and did their laundry etc for them. Then as she got older and sicker and couldn't keep up with it as much she paid me to come clean it for $40 but after 6 months of that it just wasnt enuff and I got tired of cleaning up after my brother and his family. I would have cleaned for my dad and step mom for free but not all of them. She took care of the house and bills so when she died unexpectedly dad didnt kno what bills had to be paid etc. Also she had taken out many loans that he didnt kno about as she was addicted to pain pills for years and he was a finacial mess until i stepped in. It took a few months but I was able to get the loans taken care of and he didnt have to pay them back and I have gotten him all caught up and everything is paid automatically now. Thats why i came on in December ( i didnt go out there much when she was alive as she didnt like me as i was from his 1st wife ) because my brother and his wife were helping and money was missing. The day she died ( dec 3 ) her purse and cell phone went missing. Then charges started to show up out of their bank acct someone was using her debit card and this was right after she died. I was so disgusted. I have no proof it was my half brother but i kno it was. Just sickening but I shut that down as soon as i found out but not before he got almost $2000
They never had to work because my step mom paid for everything now dad says he didnt kno but of course he did i mean how could he not? None of them worked so how did they have has money or get clothes take vacations etc. Of course dad knew. Im just trying to help dad but i guess I am just enabling everyone. And exhausting myself in the meantime.
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Ok, some suggestions have been made, as requested.

Keligrl, are the replies as you had expected? Or wildly different?

Has anything changed - the situation or your thoughts?
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Thanl you all for ur input. I cant seem to edit my profile but dad has not been diagnosed with Alzheimer's as I thought ( this is what my brother told me ) I have had him to the dr recently and he was diagnosed with parkinsons but he is forgetful as well. I have a POA that was printed out online and signed and notarized at his bank. I am new to all this but I am not sure if one undrawn from a lawyer is legal to do all the stuff mentioned. I basically got it so I could keep an eye on dads money incase my brother got into it again and take action if he does. Hes still with it enough to where he wont sell or move and although frustrated with all of it when he says anything to them it falls on deaf ears. I have to get into heated arguments to get anything out of them. But the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You are all correct I need to let the house go and just focus on dad. But when i don't clean he does it and the man can barely walk somedays I hate putting the cleaning up after them on him
. So do I need to get a lawyer for this POA? I had tried to get him to an estate attorney but he refuses. The will is just signed by him no witness nothing just a signed and dated will i had him do since he didnt have anything and he does own a home but has 130,000 in mortgages on it.
Hope that explains things better.
I havnt been out there for 3 days. I was too stressed out and needed to take a break.
Also None of them kno I am dads poa and aps was called a few months back. They came out once and we havnt heard from them since.
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Taking a break, mentally & physically is a GOOD thing!

It can really help to get some perspective.

I think your next moves could include getting some specific professional advice on;
1. Medical, especially competency.
2. Legal, especially re POA

Regarding Dementia: it is an umbrella term, covering many types of conditions causing cognitive deficits.

Alzheimer's Disease is the most common type. While it is good Dad has been cleared of that progressive disease, the bad news is Parkinson's Disease is also progressive. It brings cognitive changes (& often dementia too) along with the more widely recognisable physical symptoms eg shuffle walk, stiffness, shaking.

Taking Dad to see his regular Doctor to discuss his new disgnosis in full, to arrange a needs assessment & obtain a short cognitive screening test may indicate what level he is currently at. Frame it all under *concerns* & wanting better care for him.
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