My mother in law who has Alzheimer’s moved in recently and I am completely overwhelmed. Apart from Alzheimer’s she is going blind and always needs something or something always hurts that we constantly have to take her to the hospital. My husband asked me before she moved in about what I thought and to be honest. Well before I could even answer he put a guilt trip on me that he “would do it for my parents”. I didn’t say anything. She is in the living room all day so I don’t hang out there anymore. I can’t opinion because he gets hurt and will always put guilt trips on me about my parents like “well what would you do!?” “I would be happy if your parents were here”Im Hispanic and we have that mentality that if we don’t take care of our parents we are failures as kids. My parents are still young and I’m not planning on moving them in the near future. I doubt that would ever happen either because they live in another state and I have siblings who live there. My husband has siblings but they could care less for her. Today he is hurt with me and not talking with me because I said that I said that I like my privacy. Right away he asks “what your privacy was taken away or what”?I seriously can’t say anything because he will get hurt or we end up in a fight. please give me advice.
I think with Mom even the touch of the fabric of her clothing on her skin would cause her "pain". I do know if the sock elastic was too tight she would say "it hurts." We had to get extra large socks so the sock elastic was not too tight.
That said, there is no doubt that many have real pain.
I have a split level house so have a room on the lower floor. I can see this room from my Kitchen. Mom had a twin bed, her recliner, TV and a full bath. She had been an avid reader but could no longer read a book. TV was all she had. I am not an entertainer. I did feel guilty about her being down there all day, DH felt I should bring her upvto my den, 2 flights of stairs. The Den iscmy sanctuary. My alone place. My Mom could not hold a conversation. I dressed her and fed her breakfast. Then I fed her lunch. She could see me milling around in the kitchen but as soon as I sat down in my Den, she was calling me. We brought her up for dinner and she stayed and watched TV till she was ready for bed.
Your husband has no idea what its like not to be able to come and go as you please. I understand why you cannot be in the same room as MIL. If she has no money, maybe see if Medicaid can provide an aide a few hours a day. If she has money, maybe hire someone. Just so you can get out.
One alternative to bringing this up with your husband, is to bring it up with your MIL. There is absolutely no reason why you should not tell her that you did not and do not want her to live in your house. You love her as a dil, but you do not want to live with her. If she has no alternative, you will put an easy chair in her bedroom and you ask her to stay in it between the hours of x to y every day so that you have your own house to yourself.
Yes, it may lead on to a difficult discussion with your husband. But the chances are that he has told MIL that you are both only too happy to have her with you, and she deserves to know that it’s not true. She may even come up with a solution herself!
"Hispanic" when? I’m in Australia, and we have always had waves of migration.
- Italian migrants from the 1950s going back to see the old country after 50 years were shocked by the changes – “it’s just like Australia now”. They had been living here in what turned out to be a time warp.
- We had Poles who migrated immediately post WWII, strongly anti-communist, and lived in their own time warp. After the fall of the Iron Curtain in Poland, more came, and found that they missed some things like free child care. Time had not stood still for them. There were big disagreements between what were known as the Old Poles and the New Poles.
So I would take this ‘Hispanic’ line with a large pinch of salt.
How are you going?
The only way he's going to stop playing the deaf and blind game is to start doing the actual hands on caregiving for mother. All of it. Only then will he see the guilt trips and games he's playing with you are wrong, hurtful and the perfect way to break up your marriage.
If this doesn't work, you'll have to rethink your entire marriage and who this man IS.
Best of luck.
Honestly, I think you need to have that fight. Tell him you never got a chance to agree or disagree with this situation because he immediately started in with guilt trips. tell him you are not happy with how things are and yes you have lost your privacy if you can no longer use certain rooms of your home because MIL is not only occupying them, she puts you to work the second you enter the room.
Now he does have a point, if you would allow your parents to move in he should get the same courtesy. Of course I assume if it were your parents you would be doing the bulk of the caregiving. Who is doing the bulk of the caregiving in this situation?
You were mistaken in allowing it to happen; you are now painted into a corner that will be so hard to get out of. But if you chose to, here are the steps.
1. Admit to husband YOUR mistake in accepting this care. Admit you felt guilty (no one MAKES you feel guilty; it's a mantle you yourself assume for yourself) when he said that HE would care for YOUR parents. Tell him the fact IS that HE isn't being asked to care for YOUR MIL. Tell him whether he is a better person than you currently isn't the subject. The subject was were you willing; you made a mistake. You should have said "Sorry; I am not that good of a person. No. For me it would be a deal breaker. I am sorry."
So step one is admitted your part in this, and taking responsibility.
2. Step two is figuring out what you and husband can NOW do about this.
Again, you didn't take care of business here and your post to us cannot cure that, but can warn others. When you take elders in it must be with contract. You should go to an elder law attorney with elder and make out shared living costs, rules of living together, and time frames for reassessment as to whether it is working for all involved. It should be agreed that the caregiving will change for the worse inevitably and at that point won't continue.
At the point that it isn't working for one then it is over and the elder has 3 months in which you help him find housing. By contract.
You are where you are. MIL has made your home her home and you did, too.
Now you must tell husband this isn't working for you.
After you admit your responsibility you will have to tell him you cannot go on. That you WILL go to marriage counseling and that you WILL help find housing for MIL or placement, but that you WILL NOT remain in the home is she stays and that this may lead to legal separation or divorce.
Pretty much those are the steps.
If you choose to shoot down the only solutions extant, then you continue as you are with the excuse that this is your culture, and you would feel guilty (guilt is for felons; what you feel is overwhelmed, helpless, afraid, and grieving)--then there is no solution.
If that's the case be polite and kind as your culture demands. Accept and move on with grace, kindness, the support of friends and faith-based community and hubby.
You are an adult. You have hard choices to make. No one can make them for you. You are responsible for the repercussions of the choices you make. I would honor any choice you make for yourself.
I am aware what I write to you looks simple and in real life is NOT. It is chaos and hurt and pain and bad feelings and shouting and crying and more pain.
But here you are.
This has been put on your plate. You are forced to deal with it.
I am so very sorry and truly I wish you the best. I hope you'll update us.
How old is your MIL? Does she speak English? Does she have any financial resources to pay for any other type of non-family care? You and your husband can look for Adult Day Care for her (sometimes churches offer this), or hire a companion aid (that she pays for). Caregiving is challenging enough even when there aren't other pressures, like language and financial resources.
I wish you clarity, wisdom, courage, strength and peace in your heart as you work together with your husband through this challenge in your marriage.
With dementia/Alzheimer's patients, it's critical they are in an environment that knows about this horrible disease. Specialized care units (SCUs) are designed for people with Alzheimer's and other dementias. They can be found in assisted living and other residential care communities. The best living environment for a person with dementia is one that helps them to be as happy and independent as possible. There are a lot of things that can be done in order to help slow down the progression of the disease.
One more thing, he keeps putting guilt trips on you by saying what if it was your parents. I would stand my ground and tell him, until he takes time off to care for his mother, day and night, for at least a week (without asking you for help or asking you any questions), he has no business expecting you to do this. My mother always taught us kids that we cannot expect other people to do something for us if we're not willing to do it for ourself. Good luck and stand your ground.
Caring for someone with any of the dementias is a 24/7 job and typically requires a team of people to care for them. And it sounds like you are the one and only person caring for her, so of course you're overwhelmed. Who wouldn't be?
And I don't care if this a cultural thing or not that one should step up and care for their parents no matter what, as what your husband is expecting of you in beyond ridiculous. And to that I say shame on him for putting his mothers care and feelings before yours.
That is where the marriage problem is. Any man that would put his mother before his wife, is not a man at all but a mamas boy.
Your husband took his wedding vows to you...not his mother.
And realizing that one cannot properly care for a parent with dementia and almost blind in ones home does not make them a failure, but actually proves them to be wise.
Your MIL now belongs in a memory care facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires by a whole slew of people, and you and your husband can get back to just being her loving family and advocates, and not her overwhelmed caregivers.
And if money is an issue and you're here in the US, you'll have to apply for Medicaid for her.
I also like the idea of you telling your husband that you're going to take a 2 week vacation by yourself to go visit family or friends, and that he'll have to take off of work to care for his mother while you're away.
That will most certainly open his eyes to the incredibly hard job it is to keep his mother in your home when he has to do all the work himself, and hopefully by the time you get back from your vacation he will be open to placing her in the appropriate facility.
I wish you well in finding your voice and in not being afraid to use it.
Maybe you have family to visit? Or a girfriend to stay with for a night?
If that is impossible for you, be out of character & cause too much tension, go even smaller. Bring the topic up to start a discussion.
You are one doing the work that should be done by a whole staff of people.
You can't do this forever, it is not sustainable for you to keep doing this and pleasing your husband, and keep your mental and physical health going at the same time.
You need to talk to your husband, and you need to worry about your feelings, your health.
You think you “seriously can’t say anything because he will get hurt or we end up in a fight”. This is not a problem that can be solved without both of you getting upset. There is no magic wand that will change his head set with no pain to either of you. You need to accept that. Look for the best way to deal, but there is no way without an argument. He needs to know that cultures are changing all over the world, and if he is in the USA he has to think again about ‘Hispanic’. Spain is a modern European country, part of the EU, and I very much doubt if parent care is universally on the menu there.
See if you can dream up a reason to go away for 2 weeks. Get him to apply for ‘family leave’, or whatever it is called locally. Let him do the care for that time. If he hires carers, that is an option for you too. He needs to know what this is really like. Another option is for you to get a job that takes you out of the house. DH needs to work out what happens with all those trips to the hospital etc – there is no reason for you to do it if you are both working.
"I do not want to live with your parents" is a useful line to keep repeating. No 'because'. Just the simple fact.
By the way, she “always needs something or something always hurts that we constantly have to take her to the hospital” sounds like the start of bad bad bad behavior. Give her a thorough health work out, and then ignore the ‘hurts’. Many of us have hurts (I do myself), she needs to toughen up.
It's not working.
A new plan is needed.
Keep calm. Find a good time to speak to your Husband alone. Out of the house if possible.
Side step the 'your parents - my parents' guilt talk.
Focus on his Mother's care needs.
Use facts eg Alzheimer's Disease is progressive & life-limiting. Focus on safety & wellbeing - for ALL of you. The care plan must work for ALL of you - right now it is not.
First step is for him to hear you.