Advice needed re:respite for Mum?

Well well well they have come back to me with an alternative suggestion. I can have 'in house care' they will send carers in to look after Mum at home.....breathes deeply erm thats the whole point.... there won't be a home. Ah no but that will be the situation next time you want respite.

So if I want to go away for a weeks respite the ONLY care option I am being offered (which Mum will have to pay for is 168 hours home care using 4 carers to cover the round the clock care and it will cost Mum £18.50 an hour so thats £3108 (4514.99 $) plus they don't shop, clean, do laundry. They will cook (oh thats good of them)

On the face of it I can see why they charge that much but is does strike a chord when that is almost exactly the same kind of money that the govt consider I am worth for caring for Mum for the entire year

Jude I can't offer you help :~( What I can offer is my thoughts and my empathy.
Being in England too I know sadly too well the garbage you've been getting.
I was told today (I asked Nov 20th for an assessment) that after a "multidisiplinary" meeting it was decided that I don't need psychiatric support. Nov 11th 2014 diagnosed with MPD/DID, was seeing a psychiatrist and the specialists advice was that given the level/extent of trauma I should be on 6x more the support I was getting, but as I was managing with what I was getting don't change anything. Feb 4th 2015 "timed out" with psychiatrist, so end of support 50 mins 1x a month!
No one has seen me/spoken to me about my issues since Feb 4th 2015 so how they reached their conclusion is baffling.
My Dr. told them I now have dementia, response "Oh well, she'll soon forget the trauma then won't she? There's no point in getting her into support for such a short time." Now I don't know if they've a direct line to the book of life, because no medical professional I've spoken too can tell me how fast this could/will progress. A Social Worker though has written me off in a very short time!
Back to you, keeping everything crossed for you. If you want to talk to someone outside who won't give you platitudes and walks a similar path message me privately.
Take as much care of YOU as you can

Well the weird thing is that I know what is going to happen - they will say that as we are now in another area they can't take her. SO watch this space for the next Act of this ridiculous farce

I am positive too! I am positive they are a shower of poo.

About the all CAPS, Jude. We know you were shouting, don't try to deny it.
You sure have a good attitude towards those shower poo people who really went out of their way to NOT meet your needs. You are right though, respite after working yourself to death might work. Except that it should be you entering a care facility to be cared for.

Well sort of Baba! They rang because I got into full battle mode and contacted the council. Not that they told me that bit but it is just too coincidental. So Now while typing this I have had 3 phone calls from them - amazing how the threat of media brings them rushing to the phones thanks people for that bit of advice!

So yes she can go in for two weeks - yay - BUT before you all go wow brilliant - Not until after we have moved! I give up I do really!

Oh and while she is in I won't get paid at all neither will she get her carers allowance. Just brilliant. SO didn't they do well? Well actually no they didn't but I guess if I can manage the move at least it will give me a couple of weeks to unpack and sort things so I have to be positive!!!!

So, did you hear back from " them"?

SHE DOESNT LOOK BAD FOR 93 DOES SHE - THAT WAS TAKEN JUST ABOUT 5 MONTHS AGO
and now I remember to turn caps lock off sorry peeps

Grandson can run interference! Yes!

Jude, Now, after seeing a picture of Mom, I am getting worried. How do you get anything past her? You are a saint.

I have faith in you!

Aww bless you send
xxxx
The battle is on the council has now been told . they are going to ring me today before 5 it is now 5:20 well no surprise there then

These people are a shower of poo!
In this, everyone must agree with you!
Counting down to the move,
Caregivers unite, getting in the groove!
If we could all fly to be at your side,
then a thousand caregivers could change the tide.
Sending good thoughts to you, from varying parts of the world,
It feels just like we are already there with you.
If Mum doesn't cooperate, we will be sending her some kaopectate.
These people are really a shower of poo!
Jude said it and I believe it too!

At this point, I would call my sister for her advice. She would say, start at the top with the social workers, go over their heads.
You are trying to go by their rules, of all things!!
Tell them the move has been delayed, and that you are just hanging on by a thread. That if they don't help you now, it will not be cost effective for the system to care for Mum in a facility and in addition put you up in a psychiatric ward.
Always, after entertaining the first two who answer the phone, ask for their supervisor. Cause they are busy, and are going to get a whole lot busier right away with you calling daily. The whole idea of respite escapes me. How in blazes can one plan weeks in advance for a time when the caregiver will have burnout.???
Jude, see your doctor. Tell him/her. It is not like you are trying to scam the system. Over in U.S. we have media, such as 7 on your side. A problem that cannot be solved is taken to the media. This may not work in your case, but whatcha gonna do, cal the queen? Or can you? We also can call our legislators. Or a lawyer. Ah, yes, call your solicitor?
In my experience, this all just becomes too hard, so I back off, regroup. Those phone calls can really stress me out!
Thinking about it, cannot everything in today's world be fixed by getting a doctor's order? By your doctor, or by Mum's doctor? Posting now, cause you won't have time to read this.

Jude - your mom sounds mean. I'm be awfully tempted to tell her that unless she cooperates with the move - you'll be moving on your own with out her. Why do our elders feel they can cause us more stress just because they can. Unfortunately, I lose my temper with my elders :(

Oy veh indeed

Oy.

Oh and don't I know it Babalou - I wouldn't have said a word but the bloody social workers told her she told the church and now they bang on endlessly about things like but not ,limited to
We will miss seeing you (no they won't she will still go to church and they never ever visited)
You will miss that house you and hubby were there for how long .... 38 years ?oh you must have so many happy memories (yeah thanks for that one!)
An apartment oh you will miss your garden (thanks for that one too)
We will have to come and visit you (hmm is it wrong to call church folk liars?)
Oh the move must be awful for you all that packing how on earth are you going to manage it? (decrease her stress why don't you!)

Then the social workers

What date are you moving on - don't have one yet but probably in about 3-4 weeks
Oh we can't do anything until we know and 3 weeks is a short time you should have contacted us before (I did you told me when we had a date)
Then the fiasco of the location we are moving to
Bolt on the now Mrs xxxx are you looking forward to the move (well she was - she was the one who wanted to move)
Its going to be a big upheaval for you isn't it? (Geez thanks for that one)
Now Judith wants us to find a repost place for you while the move is going on would you like that (NO!)
Well it would be easier for Judith (Humph)
You could go to the last place you went to would that be alright with you (NO)

Well Judith we can't place your Mum in respite if she refuses to go

Smirk from mother who knows this fine well I am absolutely sure of this

Thanks for nothing.

One more thing Jude. The authorities may have to ask your mother "would you like to...?", ,but in my experience, it's a poor way to put a question to a demented person. "Now we're going to...". "This is the plan for today, Mom". I never tell my mother any plans before the day of the event, else she ruminates endlessly.

Omg, Jude. Is there a central authority that oversees these folks?

My only other suggestion, which i think was already put out, is to have someone sit with her in the old place until the movers are done. If she won't go to respite happily, then she'll just have to put up with the flurry of moving and you ignoring her. She'll have someone else with her. If she has hystetics, you call an ambulance.

I'm sorry if I sound cold hearted. But i have a very low tolerance for crap from my mother.With or without dementia, If she wants my help, it's on my terms, or she can find someone else.

Si this morning fuelled by your support I escalated this.
They will call you back she said,
When I said,
Within the month she said, H
Have you not heard a word I have said
Yes but we are busy she said,
But I am too we are moving
What postcode (zipcode toy you across the pond) so I told her
Oh then you don't want us you want xyz

So I rang xyz

Ah no we can't help because your mother is in abc now.

Deep Breath - yes I know she is but we are moving to you

Because she lives in abc we can't help

And because she is moving to xyz abc can't help either

Sorry we would have to do an assessment.

She has had an assessment

OK Im done where is that bloody gun - I will shoot meself then abc and xyz can fight it out between them!!!! For goodness sake what a shower of poo these people are

Yes Jude. What you did and said is just fine. Your Mum is aware she is walking (riding) a fine line there. It will do you both good, if you start to draw a line in the sand, (or new apt)!

And that Send is why I don't class myself as a Christian = not that I am slighting anyone's beliefs but it isn't for me

Getting angry at those meddling church people! Give me their name and I will call them up!
The reason is, the practice of true religion is to visit the sick, the widows and elderly. Many churches help others move! Except, in my former church, they only helped VIP's and the pastors move! I requested help-was alone, divorced. As I and the movers were driving away at dusk, here comes two in their pick-up truck. Told the movers not to stop to talk to them.
And now you all know how I hurt myself for life, lifting boxes, moving furniture that I should not have done to save my health. As well as allowing a root of bitterness towards those derelects! Derelects who thought they were hiding drug addiction, faking recovery, infidelity, attending sex-addicts anonymous meetings to hook up! Hiding alcoholism from other christains attending that church. Well, I saw it.

Oh I Kapisch fine but the answer is Niet I am afraid. Theoretically I could take her there and sit on the floor while she sits on her wheelchair but there is so much to arrange like SKY, telephones , new furniture from 4 different stores, all sorted for the same day hopefully as well as the movers, then there is some minor works that need doing like a bath hoist, spmework in the kitchen. If she would go in for a week I could have the love done but right now we are ar impasse. Mind you she's now quite pissy because she has not been given a choice of food.

She said I don't want this to which I replied so don't eat it. She ate it! perhaps it pays me to be harder

Jude, you just don't need the aggravation this is causing you. If there is anyway possible, can you go yourself with Mum to the new apt., sit there and wait for the very professional movers and family to move you out?
When selling, I made a mistake having the close of escrow 30 days, or sooner. Escrow closed that morning, my realtor notified me to be out by noon. If ever I had to do it again, I would add a clause to be able to rent back the home I am selling from the new buyer for 3-7 days, so I could handle the moving slower.
Ask your realtor or solicitor to suggest it, taking out the 'rent' from the proceeds of the sale. Computed on what the buyer will pay for mortgage, divided by 30 days. Or any amount they would accept.??Kapisch?

Oh how ridiculous, doesn't anyone over there use common sense? If they had asked my mom if she wanted to go into a respite facility she would say she could just stay at home in bed alone, even though she is 100% dependent for her ADLs. Maybe you should invent a health crisis and just drop her off at the ER for the day.
Seriously though, could you at least hire someone to keep her occupied for the day?

She's already on the meds and sadly we don't have the same luxury that you seem to have on the day of the move we move t at noon and get the keys for the new place at the same time so it is going to be insane. I have packed all but about 7 boxes which we need to live. All her equipment is ready to go as is (as it were). We own the house and will own the apartment so rent isn't an option sadly, if it were I would do it in a heartbeat. it is the bloody church people who are geeing her up about the move they keep on and on despite me asking and then TELLING them to shut the &%^$ up. They seem to think its funny - I on the other hand feel deep resentment towards them.

Unfortunately to get her to say yes requires Social Service approval and they ask the question when are you moving? They won't talk to me alone and then they ask her if she is happy to go into respite. Answer NO. I am murderous but feel like my hands are tied behind my back. If they shove the broom up my backside I could sweep the floor too!

I agree with Pam; meds and don't discuss the move with her at all. Tell her it's been postponed. Make the reservation at the care home and drop her there the day before the move. Or better, have a friend, adult child or neighbor drop her. Like children, they always behave better for strangers.

Well the law says you can't force them. However there is nothing wrong with having the MD prescribe anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants so she is a lot more cooperative. This might be a good idea any way you work it, because moving really sends them over the edge.