My 88-yr old dad moved to a very remote Texas town about 20 years ago. He is 3 hours from the nearest city/airport. My sister and I live in Colorado, a 2-day drive away.
He has been independent, mobile, and in good health until recently. His phone stopped working several months ago and my sister and I could not reach him (he rarely if ever calls us, even when his phone is working).
One of his friends got in touch to let us know our dad has lost 20lbs in the past 2 months (weight he couldn't afford to lose), seems disoriented, and claims he has no appetite. So last week I took time off work to drive down to see what's up.
He is confused, living in a trailer in absolute filth with no running water, mouse droppings everywhere (including inside his fridge), and he's an absolute skeleton. Also incontinent and unaware/uncaring. Thank goodness I got his signature giving me medical and durable POA while I was there. I kind of forced him to go to the local clinic, first time for a checkup in over 30 years. Although he is wasting away, his bloodwork suggests no major physical issues except dehydration. But he scored 0/5 on the cognitive assessment. His memory is shot, e.g., he can't remember my mother's name (his ex-wife) nor conversations that happened earlier in the day, and obviously he's forgetting to eat too. And he still drives (!!). Doc said he should not drive and shouldn't be living alone. He has VA benefits but we're not sure if he has Medicare. I paid out of pocket for his clinic visit and labs. There is no VA where he lives and he has said that if he ever needs medical care to take him anywhere but to the local hospital. There are also no assisted living facilities and no home health care services, outside of meals on wheels which he refused.
My sister has invited him to move in with her for a while, at least through the winter, but he refuses. All his friends suggest we just put him in the car, tell him we are going on a short trip, get him a milkshake, and then drive him to Colorado. Basically, kidnap him. He likely wouldn't notice given his current state of mind, but he is actually lucid about 50% of the time and will of course notice at some point. They also suggested we tell him that it's only temporary, that he should come hang out with his kids for a few months and once it warms up again in spring we'll take him back to Texas. Once in CO, we will take him to the VA for a more formal cognitive assessment and likely plan to find a local memory care place for him near to us, since it seems his body may outlive his brain.
My sister is making arrangements now to move him in. She has a one-way flight and a rental car lined up to get herself there, pack up dad and some of his stuff, and drive him back to CO. We sent Medicare his info and proof of POA and we should have access to his benefits soon. We are kind of in a state of shock and not sure how to navigate getting dad here, but he absolutely can't stay where he is. He is very docile, so we don't expect him to physically protest, but we're not sure how best to navigate this. It's happening so quickly. Any ideas/suggestions would be appreciated! Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
People on here, many of which have been down this road for a long time, can only go by the information given, and even then, only give their opinions based on their experiences. If you would give it a minute or two you may get several different opinions, some of which may line up better with your expectations…..if that’s what you really want. It’s up to you to take what you can use and discard the rest. No need to be offended. Like you, people on this forum are doing their best to sort out your question, with less personal info but perhaps more experience, to rely on.
I know you’re freaked out, you have every reason to be, but please give people a chance.
UPDATE: After seeing dad a few weeks ago, I urged my sister to take a quick trip to TX to meet the "new" version of the person that she may be moving into her home at the end of this month. Needless to say, she is a bit traumatized by the condition he's in, just as I was. The upside is that she now has a MUCH better understanding of the level of care it will take to have him live with her. He's fallen since she's been there, still losing bowel control, and is still ~50% lucid: my sister regularly asks if he remembers me and my husband visiting 2 weeks ago; half the time he says no. She is still working to get him to agree to come up to CO with her and her husband in a few weeks, with the intent that dad stay with them until we can figure out the best long term move. Note, her husband will fly down with her and help to drive dad back, so she won't be alone, as some have asked about.
Dad doesn't seem interested in moving up full-time, and we're learning all we can about how best to ensure he is safe and taken care of if he stays in West TX. We aren't sure if getting APS involved is the right move, based on the mixed feedback here (will post a separate question/thread about APS soon), but there don't seem to be many other options in the county where he lives. Will keep y'all posted!
It was my worst fear that Sis didn't fully understand what she might be letting herself and her family in for here; I am so relieved to know that she has visited and is aware of all the particulars.
Look forward to your updates.
I would discourage you from contacting APS, no running water will get an emergency guardianship and take everything out of your family's hands. You DO NOT want the state of texas involved when you already have a good plan. I would encourage you to help your sister transport him though, 2 days can be a very challenging time for your dad and he could be too much for 1 person driving to handle, it comes with dementia.
Just gather dad up and move him to CO. As long as the people that care are all in agreement, your POAs will be fine. Problems come when somebody contests the validity of said documents, and you know that is not a problem.
I know many do not like APS and don't have good experiences with them. I myself as an RN had stellar experiences with both APS and CPS, and can't imagine what we would have done without them. As Burnt likes to remind folks, my experience was ALSO two decades ago. Things may have changed.
This is going to be rough, so hold on tight girls. He is lucky to have you even if he does't tell you.
I am also questioning your Dad signing the Power of Attorney as you had wrote "His memory is shot,". The Attorneys usually interviews the person alone, and from that interview decide if the person can understand the wording in a POA.
Glad to read that you and your sister will be looking into Memory Care facility for your Dad. Huge question, can your Dad afford the monthly rent at Memory Care? Such facilities cost between $5k-$10k per month depending on location. If your Dad is unable to budget for that cost, then you would need to look into Medicaid. Also check with a VA facility. Whatever you do, neither you or your sister pay for Dad's care, as you need those funds for when you get older.
Hope everything works out smoothly. Keep us up-to-date. Please fill out your Profile page, that way if you have other new questions, you won't need to keep re-typing the back story.
Best of luck and keep us updated.
You “paid out of pocket for his clinic visit and labs”, and think that's worth mentioning. That’s a very different matter from paying anything for his care, at several thousand dollars a month - even for a few months before 'help' comes along. Think twice or three times before you and your sister pick up the tab, financially or emotionally or care-wise.
What does it mean to rip this gentleman from where he lives against his will, attempt the impossible in terms of change and care. Why? For what reason? A year or so more befuddled in a nursing home? Because surely that is where all this will lead given human limitations in taking over the life of another.
They may all rue the day that they chose to decide "what's best" here. IMHO.
This is his big chance to say “filth rather than a care facility" or “kidnap rather than filth”.
I'd have to say the former, "filth rather than a care facility", though he may agree to cleaning up his place some so it is not as filthy? Anything to keep him out of a facility.