My sister got money from my mom her whole life, is still trying to, and Mom is in a home now. Advice?

Don't let her manipulate you any more. She's creating a wedge between you and your mother, which I'm sure is her exact intention, and she's using your mother to guilt you into helping her.

This needs to stop or you're going to be subordinate to her needs for the rest of her life. Unless she has physical problems and can't work, she needs to grow up and be responsible for herself.

Be aware though that she'll attempt to further alienate and manipulate your mother in order to get to you. Give some thought to how you want to prepare and protect your mother, but let your sister grow up at last and be responsible for herself.

She will never stop asking until you stop giving it to her! Believe me, I have seen this go on and on in my husband's family! It wasn't until his Mom passed away, and his Dad came to live with us (11+ years now), that his (then) 50+ sister and brother quit asking for money from the Old Man. My husband out right told them both to quit, and now they would have to go through us, to get to him, as the Old Man won't answer the phone, and they both live out of state and haven't even been to see him in over 11 years! They will even still try now and then, but we have "trained his Dad to say No, as the money that he does have, needs to last him the rest of his life. Its an awful position to be in!

It reminds me of my alcoholic brother who bled my parents all of his life until his death. My mother could never tell him no. Some years she gave him over $10K. We would tell her to stop, but she would say, "He's my son." There was nothing anyone could do to stop her. Sad to say that the family was relieved when he died. No one knew what to do with him. I hope it doesn't get to that point with your sister.

The things that really stood out to me is that she is living in one of the most expensive states in the nation, though he is unemployed. She receives disability, but still has pets. It sounds like she is living far beyond her means and expects others to supplement her.

Macular degeneration can be a serious handicap, but she is receiving assistance and needs to adapt her life to it. I worried about what would happen to your mother if she needed to apply for Medicaid. All that money given to your sister would be viewed as a gift and could disqualify her for receiving help for a while. You need to talk to your sister about this. Maybe she'll also start considering your mother and look for ways she can live within her means.

BTW, some kids have the idea that their parents are secretly sitting on millions. My alcoholic brother had this idea. It wasn't true. My parents were secretly sitting on thousands.

1. Option: Mom is in skilled nursing with dementia. You don't ask people in the situation for money and you don't make them worry about you or ask them to take care of you when they now NEED care. Pure and simple. Done. Why are you even considering that it might be OK - because your mom, with dementia, and your entitled, sponging sister insist they should be able to keep doing it? Above all, remember mom is where she is because of dementia and her placement of guilt and blame is not going to be any more sensible than it ever was - it is going to be even less.

2. All right, Maybe there is some reason the requests are not just totally out of line. I can't think of what it is, but you have written to us in the form of a question suggesting that maybe there is some doubt in your mind. Write out your budgets. Document what is spent on Mom's needs if you haven't. Figure out how much you could actually give, and maybe give it non-contingently on begging, OR - maybe you really need to put it into an emergency fund instead in case somethng more serious comes up. Find out how much Mom can actually afford to give away and let her have that pleasure - if it is 35 dollars a month 10 to charity 25 to sis, fine; if it is realistically a litlte more, fine; bearing in mind as already pointed out , that large amounts given away can disqualify someone for Medicaid if they need it. NORMALLY, a person gives their SSI check to the care facility and is allowed a small personal allowance. But, maybe there is something more going on.

$200 for a pet deposit if it was really just one time might not be too much - but if it is $200 now then pay my water bill or I'll be evicted then pay may cell phone bill or I won't be able to call you, uh-uh. Get an elder mediator involved to help you play bad cop. Enlist help from the facility to block requests for money. Make sure you and not mom or sis have all the checkbooks and credit card numbers.

If all that fails, if sister still just irresponsibly keeps begging and imposing on Mom and you, tell her she quits asking for $$ or you will report her to APS for abuse of a vulnerable adult who can't say no to her, or you will get a restraining order. Not sure if either of those things are practical, but if the sponging has to stop before someone is irreparably harmed, then it has to stop.

Sorry you are faced with this. I am in a similar spot with my daughter who has almost no income because she and her beau are volunteer firefighters and have medical problems. I pay her medical insurance until she can get PPACA coverage, and we put some gas in their tanks and donate a little to the fire company. I'm waiting and praying for the drama machine to run down. LOL. I had to pull the plug on some inappropriate use of my credit cards and that was painful but I did it. I have said no to a lot of things, and yes to others. We take them out to eat with us once a week and they can bring a friend or two but not the whole fire company. Not easy - as they say nowadays, "I feel ya."

Contact Adult Protective Services and ask for their advice. Shame on your sister!

You can get your mum an advocate, which will take you both out the picture. Here in the uk you can use age concern. There must be an equivalent where u are. An advocate here isn't a lawyer, it's an appointed person which help the person handle their finances. Then your sister would have to go thru the advocate. It is a free service here.

Are you your mothers legal guardian or do you have a POA for her? Or is your mom still handling her own finances? In my experience the only way to win with a toxiic person is not to play. Their drama is not your drama. "Sorry, no. Sorry no." You don't have to explain or feel guilt. Just say "Sorry no.

I agree contact APS. It is time for sister to be an adult take responsibility for herself. I think Mom is more important than a dog! Nursing home care is very expensive and it is highly likely your Mom will run out of money. If she can't get Medicaid because she gave her money away what will happen to her?

I recently went through a situation just like this. I wrote a letter to my sister that has taken money from my parents her whole life and explained the situation. It is now the time to take care of our parents not visa versa. I explained in general terms that mom needs her money that she worked for all her life for HER care no one else's. I sent copies to all siblings and my mother so everyone was on the same page. Also be aware of the gifting rules and penalties your mom could incur if she ends up needing help from the government.

my dil's grandmother is in this exact situation - at least one daughter goes back to court in 2 weeks over it

If you can get POA, you would be in control of your mothers money. And do it before your sister does, because that would be a disaster.

Just say no, I know that sounds cruel but she is asking for money for a pet, not to feed herself or her children.
It's funny but when the cash cow dries up people find another way to get the money they need or learn to live within their means.
If your Mother is spending her own money for the Memory Care facility and will run out of money eventually, Medicaid will look back 5 years and gifting money to her kid will be a Divestment. You are not doing your Mom any favors because they could give her a Medicaid Penalty for the money she gifted to her daughter.
Check with the local Medicaid office but 5 years is a long time to look back.....
This might be the perfect reason to stop the bleeding of the bank account!!

Time to use TOUGH LOVE. After she gets her apartment, tell her you will no longer be supporting her. End of discussion. Tell her never to call you again for money, and try to get your mother's POA so you can stop funds from going to her. Time to take some responsibility on her part and fend for herself!

Mother gave my brother well over $150K, when she and dad were barely scraping by--and he took anything and everything he could that wasn't nailed down & pawned it. We never did "stop her"--he died, suddenly at age 61. Mother was finally set up with my younger brother as co-signer on all checks over $500 and she pays most things in cash. But, she'd give him her grocery money, so it just went on and on. We all talked to her until we were blue in the face, but she'd just say "But he's my son"--and the subject was dropped. Sometimes there's just a dynamic that goes on between certain kids and parents that never ends. This was sad, b/c this brother, instead of being appreciative, would tell us how much more loved he was than any of the rest of us b/c Mother constantly gave him money. Really? We just stopped talking about it. I'm pretty sure Mother paid for his cremation and the grandkids' airline tickets to get "home".
I'm really sorry for your situation--realistically, you probably can't do anything if Mom is competent and wants to give her money away. So sad.

I have a very soft spot for animals. I would be willing to give her money for her pets. The utilities, the water bill, food, etc. - there is assistance for the indigent out there, there are food banks and church pantries. Just my opinion. There is always some 'poor thing' in a family bumbling through life, with some horrible problems, crying for mommy and daddy to help help help. They weep big tears, 'oh, my POOR BABY!'. Nothing you can do to change their minds. Things are different now that the parent is in a home, the gravy train is slowing down and will stop.

If your mom is in a home for dementia and you are her power of attorney, get your mom's checkbook and be in control of her finances. Nothing is paid out except through you. That takes care of your mom giving money to your sister. After that, the "sorry, no" answer is a pretty good one. You could explain to your sister what the cost of your mom's care comes to so and how long it has to last so she can understand why "no" is the right answer. But I suspect your sister doesn't want to hear about the reasons for "No", and just wants the money. Good luck with this. It's emotionally charged, of course, and the suggestions for APS to be involved might take the burden off of you in being the "bad guy."

Wow, you sister sounds very self-absorbed and selfish. If she cannot afford her pets, she should find them a good home. She should do something to earn an income and not drag you into it. She was lucky your mom helped, but now that phase has to end. Your mom is the one needing more attention now.

Your Mother can give as much money as she wants unless she required govt to pay for her care home, Does Mom still have her home? any income? how much banked? maybe you are too worried about your inheritance or if there will be one? as long as Mom does not give over 14k? or so a year there will be no gift tax if one is so inclined to report such gifts, transactions over $10k get reported so transfers of $9,990 are best to avoid the radar.
Unless Moms home is gone and she has no income and no money you have no right to try to tell your Mother what to do.

I agree with all the posts. Just say no, and I found this out (because I asked a nun when I was taking care of my mom), when you marry someone, your spouse always comes first in the bible, anyway. As far as your sister goes, I would ask to see receipts for all her 'unexpected' emergencies that pop up. Besides being an advocate for the elderly, i am an animal lover too. If your sister cannot afford to take care of her pets, then perhaps she should consider adopting them out to a family who can afford to take them to a veterinarian. And Medicaid does have 5 year look back so your Mom simply CANNOT keep giving your sister money. Again, you and your spouse come first. Here is the bible verse, (I am not super religious), just been in a VERY similar situation:
If you are married, your spouse comes next. A married man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Christ’s first priority—after obeying and glorifying the Father—was the church. Here is an example a husband should follow: God first, then his wife. In the same way, wives are to submit to their husbands “as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). The principle is that a woman’s husband is second only to God in her priorities.. God 1st, spouse 2nd...
Just say no, it is wrong of your sister to keep asking for your money, I am sure you know that. Right is right and wrong is wrong. Best wishes and YOU did nothing wrong.

this sister's working now, right?

I have an alcoholic brother who will soon have a rude awakening since i am the executor of my moms 4 family house and he has been living off my mom all his life. He is 56 with a 22 yr old son. 2 grown men living in a 2 BR apt, including heat and hot water for $100 bucks a week? Nope. Once my moms will is approved thru probate, I am going to make him either pay the standard $900 a month with a sifned lease, or he can get out and figure life out. My husband and I as well as my other siblings agree we are not supporting him. Tough love, something my mom (rip) wouldnt but should have done. I feel your pain and understand, but I do not feel guilty. Right is right and wrong is wrong.

$900/mo.?! where do you live?

Sibling rivalry will continue IF YOU LET IT! THAT'S the key words.

My take on this situation is that it's time for some tough love. You need to sit your sis down and explain to her that Mom can no longer support or help her, and neither can you. Tell her if she needs financial help, she needs to seek out help from services in the community or from the state. Yes, she's going to be angry and hurt at first, but you simply cannot allow her to continue upsetting Mom over money, and Mom can't afford to give in and give her money anymore. That's all there is to it.

If you have POA for Mom and are controlling the funds, then it's a simple matter to stop the funds from being drained out of Mom's account by sis.

i never cease to be amazed at little girls who insist on playing house with real live dollies at everyone elses expense. It is what government welfare is for.

Debdaughter, Massachusetts, Hampden County. Mom was old school, used to rent with a handshake. We had 2 wonderful tenants living on the second floor. One was there for 25 years and there was a couple there for 17 years and they both left around the same time . Nowadays we have no choice but to do intensive screening and background checks . And we would prefer to have no children living in the house although it's illegal to put that in an advertisement. Word of mouth only. . The prob is, 4 family houses in the town are considered 'commercial', not private property. I am executor going thru probate and I intend on selling the house. Never wanted to be a landlord, and the house will cost 1000s of dollars to fix to pass 'codes' that welfare/section 8 makes homeowners jump thru hoops to follow. In Mass, tenants have all the rights and landlords have none. I want to get rid of it, but it will take an investor...needs all new electric, the porches are rotting, old plumbing, possible lead paint, and years ago, when oil was cheap, my grandfather put one oil burner into heat for 4 apartments so yes you cannot charge the tenants for heat cuz there's only one burner. The hard part was taking care of my mother at her this...her house. Now I just want to get rid of it. Sheet, one tenant is always late on paying his rent and there are bills to be paid. It is like owning your own business, I have to get a buz tax ID# and a bunch of other stuff. Came with the territory, btw, $900 is actually cheap comparatively.

My cousins had their hands out for their parents' money their entire adult lives. One deceased at 64 and the other had her hand out for my now deceased mother's money. Very sad and UNACCEPTABLE!

Liz, so much has happened this past week, gone from not being able to get grandson out of dad's house to him wanting to get out, supposedly has a job lined up in a different area, where I've learned about rental prices - not just $900 but twice that - $1700 but then that is for a house, so a 2BR might be that; a 1 is $500 but I asked how someone who seemingly can hardly pay their bills now expects to be able to start paying that kind of rent but they say they'll just cut out some of their bills; we'll see how that goes, hard to do, just glad they can pass a background check; they've never had to do that before either, no kids, though, at least not fulltime, not even exactly sure how they plan to work that, since not sure they expect me to sell the house once they move, either; hub's been wanting me to get rid of it for a long time; he doesn't want to be a landlord, either; hadn't thought about the code stuff, know did go to the housing authority to see about it when someone - well, grandson's gf - wanted to rent it like that and safety first they said, handrails that should have already been done anyway, maybe wouldn't even be having to deal with all this if they had been; I can understand how it's come to be like that, though, what with so many slum landlords that won't do anything, so it works both ways, but then they were young like the people who built it that way, so...maybe not; that's what they said about his as well, but it's in a nice neighborhood and is single family, so would really make a big difference I feel if I just let something like that come in but will see what happens with the one across the street, at least grandson has done some of the major stuff, like the water heater, think he did some work on the back deck, plumbing, painting, and new heat unit and he is the one who actually took care of my dad there. But now that he wants out I would like to just get rid of it, especially since he has been paying the bills there so now what, since, yes, it would be like owning a business and I'm not really sure what to do, talking to a bank later on this morning, since I finally got up early again...

think if it is possible, just to let it go with a modest profit perhaps, if it needs all that work. get it off your hands. the peace of mind that would come with offloading it would probably beat any profit.