How did that happen? How were they able to do that if you were the main caregiver? Did mom give one of them POA? If so, why? and why not you? What does mom have to say about all of this. If you give us more information, we could likely be able to help you more. Generally they can't just swoop in and change things that quickly, especially if there is no POA established.
40 years? There is clearly a lot of history here about which we are clueless, so can you help us by filling us in just a little bit?
For what reason was mom requiring care for 40 years, can you tell us? Were you the POA for your mother? Has there been a court action brought against you, and what were you accused of specifically.
Sorry you are going through this, but more information is required in order for us to try to be of any help at all to you. Wishing you the best.
Who has your mother's POA? If you were her primary caregiver it makes sense that it should be you. Does anyone have her POA? If not and she's still legally making her own decisions then either she chose to go with your brother or sister or they took her against her will. Im thinking from what you say in your profile that she went willingly. This is no fault or judgment on you, my friend. I will tell you a hard truth. Often times a senior's stubbornness will get them into trouble. I did homecare for 25 years and I know this happens all the tie. A senior will often villify, lie, and make false abuse claims about the person (usually one of their adult kids) who actually takes very good care of them. Sometimes it's dementia-related, or they want attention, or they simply enjoy instigating, creating drama, and causing trouble. This is a form of entertainment for many seniors. Many times their act is so good that others take them seriously and it results in action like being removed from the home and placed in facility care. Could this be what's going in in your case? If it is then all you can really do is go to the police and tell them what's going on.
I, like you, have seen the above happen, Burnt. But our OP is taking care of mom reportedly for 40 years now. And I have to assume that there has been in all that time at least SOME relationship with the siblings. Until the OP can tell us more I am not getting any kind of picture at all as to what might be going on here. I am hoping OP comes back. We have so many who drop these posts, and never return. I will be following.
Why did mom need a caregiver at (about) 50 years of age? Who is POA? Is mom competent? What happened during that "late night phone call"? A bit more information will get you much better, more complete answers.
Not saying u did anything wrong but it doesn't make sense that out of the blue because of one call Mom would have been taken to a NH. There is a lot involved in getting a person placed. You just don't call them on the phone and say "we need a bed today". Money is involved and how is she going to pay? Medicaid application takes a while.
There has to be more to this story. There had to be something that brother felt u were no longer capable of care or Mom needed more care. You yourself have to be close to 70. 40 yrs is a long time. Maybe brother did u a favor.
40 years of caring for your mother is an enormously long time! No wonder that you were overwhelmed.
Can you please fill in the missing blanks for us? Was mom telling your siblings something that wasn’t true? Has she misunderstood something and is now confused and possibly afraid?
Are you saying that your siblings are not going to inform you of where your mom will be placed?
How old is your mom? Does she require more care than you can possibly provide for her?
I hope that this situation will work out well for you and your family.
"Don’t know how to respond to activity on my page but would like to respond to questions asked yes I am almost 70. My dad passed away when he a only 54 Mom has been widowed since 1984. I the oldest and my husband and I basically took care of moms house. When she couldn’t do stairs we moved her to a condo. She has lived there almost 8 years. My husband took care of all maintenance inside the home. A few weeks ago I cancelled our trip w had been planning for 3 years a cruise to Japan. I felt my sister would not be able to handle mom for that period of being gone. My husband was vey upset over this and we had many arguments on this. We lost over $2000 by canceling. My husband thought my mom should pay for what we loss. First mom said she would then denied she said it. One night I had a mental breakdown. I was crying hysterically from all the conflict and I just lost it. In an attempt to calm me my husband called my mom at 3 am. She talked with me but I don’t remember what she said. My brother called this abuse. My brother also said we were blackmailing mom for the money. My husband was determined mom should pay this amount after all he has done for her when my brothers had not done anything. Mom said he should have done this because he’s family. My husband will not talk to my family. My brother said no one in the family wants to talk with me. I was completely burned out if caregiving. My mom wanted me over there 24/7. Were we wrong to ask for compensation to stay home and take care of he? Now I found out that mom has agreed to move to a nursing home but not one of my siblings has called me to let me know where she is going. i went to see a counselor who told me that my brother is manipulative and trying to get me to continue care for mom. She said I should wait til mom called me. It has been 2 weeks and I have had little communication with my mom and none at all with sister or brothers. And now I find out she is moving to nursing home tomorrow. What do I do?"
I actually agree that for the good of all, Mom should now go into care, and her money should be in the control of a POA who will pay her expenses, keeping meticulous track of every penny in and every penny out of mom's account. It would be CASTASTROPIC for the mother to pay for the OPs trip cancellation. It would figure as gifting on any lookback on her finances. This is a mess with family clearly not understanding how to keep good financial track of things, nor how the system works.
You should have gone on that trip. Your husband is more important than your Mom. She lives alone and sister would have taken care of her. Not your way, but she would have taken care of her.
You have been brainwashed and manipulated for 40 years. And what a patient husband. I think you need to let the dust settle. Let your brother and sister take over. Let Mom manipulate them for a while. If your Mom asked u to cancel ur trip than yes, she should pay the 2k. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. You do what the therapist says. Wait for Moms call and she will call because I doubt once she is in a NH neither brother or sister will see her all that much. If Mom calls, you need to set boundries. She is safe and cared for, all her needs met. Its time your DH gets all ur attn. Plan that trip again and do it. You deserve it.
TO ALL: If this Mom is expected to pay for the cancellation of a trip arranged by the OP then the Mom will be accused of GIFTING. She will NOT be able to apply for medicaid if needed in the next five years.l I don't know what kind of financial management is going on here but I for one am very relieved that the mom will now be going into care with careful financial management of her funds by hopefully a POA who understands the rules and how to keep the books! The OPs arranging of a trip, cancelling of a trip, is all very poor financial planning, and planning given she was in charge basically of care. That is over now. And that is likely a good thing. Just my humble opinion. When we get these convoluted stories it is difficult to comb them apart, that's for certain.
You are right, its a gift. The OPs sister was going to take care of Mom... "I felt my sister would not be able to handle mom for that period of being gone." So really not Moms fault, its the OPs.
Is your mom still competent to make her own decisions about where she resides? If so, then it was her choice to be "rescued" by your siblings.
Who has power of attorney?
Your profile says you were overwhelmed. Except for not being able to contact mom, is this a relief for you in someway?
For what reason was mom requiring care for 40 years, can you tell us? Were you the POA for your mother? Has there been a court action brought against you, and what were you accused of specifically.
Sorry you are going through this, but more information is required in order for us to try to be of any help at all to you. Wishing you the best.
Does anyone have her POA? If not and she's still legally making her own decisions then either she chose to go with your brother or sister or they took her against her will. Im thinking from what you say in your profile that she went willingly.
This is no fault or judgment on you, my friend. I will tell you a hard truth. Often times a senior's stubbornness will get them into trouble. I did homecare for 25 years and I know this happens all the tie.
A senior will often villify, lie, and make false abuse claims about the person (usually one of their adult kids) who actually takes very good care of them. Sometimes it's dementia-related, or they want attention, or they simply enjoy instigating, creating drama, and causing trouble. This is a form of entertainment for many seniors.
Many times their act is so good that others take them seriously and it results in action like being removed from the home and placed in facility care.
Could this be what's going in in your case? If it is then all you can really do is go to the police and tell them what's going on.
Who is POA?
Is mom competent?
What happened during that "late night phone call"?
A bit more information will get you much better, more complete answers.
There has to be more to this story. There had to be something that brother felt u were no longer capable of care or Mom needed more care. You yourself have to be close to 70. 40 yrs is a long time. Maybe brother did u a favor.
Can you please fill in the missing blanks for us? Was mom telling your siblings something that wasn’t true? Has she misunderstood something and is now confused and possibly afraid?
Are you saying that your siblings are not going to inform you of where your mom will be placed?
How old is your mom? Does she require more care than you can possibly provide for her?
I hope that this situation will work out well for you and your family.
"Don’t know how to respond to activity on my page but would like to respond to questions asked
yes I am almost 70. My dad passed away when he a only 54 Mom has been widowed since 1984. I the oldest and my husband and I basically took care of moms house. When she couldn’t do stairs we moved her to a condo. She has lived there almost 8 years. My husband took care of all maintenance inside the home. A few weeks ago I cancelled our trip w had been planning for 3 years a cruise to Japan. I felt my sister would not be able to handle mom for that period of being gone. My husband was vey upset over this and we had many arguments on this. We lost over $2000 by canceling. My husband thought my mom should pay for what we loss. First mom said she would then denied she said it. One night I had a mental breakdown. I was crying hysterically from all the conflict and I just lost it. In an attempt to calm me my husband called my mom at 3 am. She talked with me but I don’t remember what she said. My brother called this abuse. My brother also said we were blackmailing mom for the money. My husband was determined mom should pay this amount after all he has done for her when my brothers had not done anything. Mom said he should have done this because he’s family. My husband will not talk to my family. My brother said no one in the family wants to talk with me. I was completely burned out if caregiving. My mom wanted me over there 24/7.
Were we wrong to ask for compensation to stay home and take care of he?
Now I found out that mom has agreed to move to a nursing home but not one of my siblings has called me to let me know where she is going.
i went to see a counselor who told me that my brother is manipulative and trying to get me to continue care for mom. She said I should wait til mom called me. It has been 2 weeks and I have had little communication with my mom and none at all with sister or brothers. And now I find out she is moving to nursing home tomorrow. What do I do?"
You have been brainwashed and manipulated for 40 years. And what a patient husband. I think you need to let the dust settle. Let your brother and sister take over. Let Mom manipulate them for a while. If your Mom asked u to cancel ur trip than yes, she should pay the 2k. I am glad you are seeing a therapist. You do what the therapist says. Wait for Moms call and she will call because I doubt once she is in a NH neither brother or sister will see her all that much. If Mom calls, you need to set boundries. She is safe and cared for, all her needs met. Its time your DH gets all ur attn. Plan that trip again and do it. You deserve it.
If this Mom is expected to pay for the cancellation of a trip arranged by the OP then the Mom will be accused of GIFTING.
She will NOT be able to apply for medicaid if needed in the next five years.l
I don't know what kind of financial management is going on here but I for one am very relieved that the mom will now be going into care with careful financial management of her funds by hopefully a POA who understands the rules and how to keep the books!
The OPs arranging of a trip, cancelling of a trip, is all very poor financial planning, and planning given she was in charge basically of care. That is over now. And that is likely a good thing.
Just my humble opinion. When we get these convoluted stories it is difficult to comb them apart, that's for certain.
Interesting, to say the least. I asked her to fill in the blanks. Seems like she left out quite a bit!