Turekje, I can understand why your hubby want to do this for his Mom's birthday, but it is not a good idea.
I have read on this forum of situations where one did this for their parents, then when it was time to leave to go back to senior facility, the parent would refuse to leave the house.
If the furniture is still in the house, Mom may feel she can once again live in that house on her own. If the furniture is gone, it would be a shock to Mom, thinking someone stole everything.
I agree. It's a kind offer and thought, but it could so easily backfire on you and instead of a happy mom, you could have a weepy, depressed woman who suddenly is slapped in the face with all she's lost.
My MIL won't even LEAVE her house (literally) b/c she is so convinced that her 2 sons are going to throw her in a nursing home. I mean, not even go to the grocery store. Nothing.
I realize she's a really 'out there' case..but it's really sad: that she'd not trust her own kids to do what's right and best for her.
A party at the NH (where frankly, she probably has more friends anyway!) as opposed to taking her back to the home she already left would be a better option. And at the end, when she is tired and likely kind of emotional, she can just go back to her room.
You don't mention any Dementia in ur profile. It really all depends on Mom. If Dementia is involved you may have a hard time getting her back to the home. Also, the NH has become her norm so taking her out maybe upsetting. And, with Dementia they get overwhelmed easily. She may be ready to leave the moment she gets there.
I would talk to the Nurses that see her the most and see what they think.
I think Connie1234 hit the nail on the head by saying, " I think your husband, out of his love for her, is inserting his own feelings regarding what his mother would like."
If I was 94 (or elderly) and living in a nursing home, and my son came by to take me back to my house to 'celebrate' my birthday, then let me know he was selling it, I'd have a fit. I'd feel like he played some kind of cruel trick on me or something. Like saying, "Gee mom, remember how nice life USED to be when you lived here? Well now I'm selling your house & driving you back to the nursing home, ha!"
Where do these guys get their ideas from anyway?????????
Turekje: Quite honestly, this thought process is cruel at best and unwise at worst. Perhaps your husband should ask himself "What is the best plan for my mother?" - without any regard as to what HE would want.
It depends on her frame of mind and physical health. Is she happy in the NH? Or does she want to “go home to her house?” I think your husband, out of his love for her, is inserting his own feelings regarding what his mother would like. If she’s happy where she is and there’s a party room available at the NH, it might be better to celebrate there. Or if he wants to celebrate her outside of the NH, maybe he can reserve space in a restaurant or rent event space and have the celebration there. In my situation, there’s no way I’d give my aging parent the idea that she was coming home unless we were prepared to keep her there, which is impossible. Again, not knowing your MILs mental and physical limitations, it’s hard to say. I believe your husband wants to do the right thing. Figuring out what that is is the challenge.
How mentally and physically capable is your mother? Can she get into the house easily? Is she bed-bound or is she using a wheelchair? If using a wheelchair, is there a easy way for her to get into the house or will you be struggling to get her into the house? It needs to be a pleasant ride getting her from where she is, to her house.
When you put her in the NH, did she go willingly? Did she understand why she went? What was her attitude when she went to the NH?
How long was she in her home? Were there a lot of significant events that happened while she lived in that home?
Does she know you are planning on selling the home? What does it look like on the inside? Does it substantially look the same as the day she left it or have you changed it (e.g. removed pictures from the wall and furniture out of the house)? Are the walls the same color or the walls a different color?
My Mom was diagnosed with early dementia, however, it sure looked early mid-stage to me as she was occasionally incontinent and belligerant on top of the increasing forgetfulness.
Mom was 99.5 years old and had lived in her luxury condo for the last 15 years. The day that my Mom went into the nursing home, she didn't believe that she would be there long. In fact, she didn't want to take things to make the Memory Care room look like her new home as she didn't believe that it was worth the time to make it look like a home. She constantly questioned why she was going and I said "because I can no longer take care of you".
The only furniture that went with her was her dresser. The rest of the condo looked like it always looked.
I refused to let my Mom back into her place, worried that if we brought her back, she would refuse to go back to the Memory Care unit. She often asked why she had to be in Memory Care and why we couldn't just hire people to take care of her in her condo. There were other homeowners in the same complex who were bedridden and had 24 hour care.
My sister came back into town for my Mom's 100 year old birthday, 6 months later. We had started moving stuff out so that we could get it ready to rent. We took the smaller pictures down, and moved things and pictures so that they could be more organized as how they were going to be dispositioned. My sister brought our Mom back to her condo so that my Mom could help disposition the furniture, and her remaining clothes and pictures. At the end of the day, my Mom said "It is time for me to go back home." At that point, we knew she was okay with no longer living in her house.
We told her that we were going to rent her place. She wanted to keep up with everything that happened....who we gave what piece of furniture, whether we found x, what were we going to do with the couches, whether we found x, etc. When we finally moved 99% of it out, two weeks later, she requested several times that she wanted to see it again. I warned her that it didn't look anything like it was before. She said she was okay.
So I took her again to see it. It brought back a whole bunch of memories of when she moved in and how excited she was to move into a new place, and all the major events that happened while she lived at the condo (e.g. how she used to dread leaving because she was worried about flooding from upstairs). She looked in all the drawers and cabinets to ensure we really did take everything.
It brought closure. She has not questioned again whether she could move back from Memory Care to her condo.
So, I personally think the answer is "it depends". If you have substantially changed it visually, then it would be okay for your MIL to come for a visit. However, if you had a hard time getting her out of the house to the NH and the house when she sees it looks substantially like what she remembers, you might have a hard time getting her back to where she was UNLESS she really truly loves where she is living now and they provide services that she appreciates.
I have read on this forum of situations where one did this for their parents, then when it was time to leave to go back to senior facility, the parent would refuse to leave the house.
If the furniture is still in the house, Mom may feel she can once again live in that house on her own. If the furniture is gone, it would be a shock to Mom, thinking someone stole everything.
Best to leave well enough alone.
My MIL won't even LEAVE her house (literally) b/c she is so convinced that her 2 sons are going to throw her in a nursing home. I mean, not even go to the grocery store. Nothing.
I realize she's a really 'out there' case..but it's really sad: that she'd not trust her own kids to do what's right and best for her.
A party at the NH (where frankly, she probably has more friends anyway!) as opposed to taking her back to the home she already left would be a better option. And at the end, when she is tired and likely kind of emotional, she can just go back to her room.
I would talk to the Nurses that see her the most and see what they think.
If I was 94 (or elderly) and living in a nursing home, and my son came by to take me back to my house to 'celebrate' my birthday, then let me know he was selling it, I'd have a fit. I'd feel like he played some kind of cruel trick on me or something. Like saying, "Gee mom, remember how nice life USED to be when you lived here? Well now I'm selling your house & driving you back to the nursing home, ha!"
Where do these guys get their ideas from anyway?????????
How mentally and physically capable is your mother? Can she get into the house easily? Is she bed-bound or is she using a wheelchair? If using a wheelchair, is there a easy way for her to get into the house or will you be struggling to get her into the house? It needs to be a pleasant ride getting her from where she is, to her house.
When you put her in the NH, did she go willingly? Did she understand why she went? What was her attitude when she went to the NH?
How long was she in her home? Were there a lot of significant events that happened while she lived in that home?
Does she know you are planning on selling the home? What does it look like on the inside? Does it substantially look the same as the day she left it or have you changed it (e.g. removed pictures from the wall and furniture out of the house)? Are the walls the same color or the walls a different color?
My Mom was diagnosed with early dementia, however, it sure looked early mid-stage to me as she was occasionally incontinent and belligerant on top of the increasing forgetfulness.
Mom was 99.5 years old and had lived in her luxury condo for the last 15 years. The day that my Mom went into the nursing home, she didn't believe that she would be there long. In fact, she didn't want to take things to make the Memory Care room look like her new home as she didn't believe that it was worth the time to make it look like a home. She constantly questioned why she was going and I said "because I can no longer take care of you".
The only furniture that went with her was her dresser. The rest of the condo looked like it always looked.
I refused to let my Mom back into her place, worried that if we brought her back, she would refuse to go back to the Memory Care unit. She often asked why she had to be in Memory Care and why we couldn't just hire people to take care of her in her condo. There were other homeowners in the same complex who were bedridden and had 24 hour care.
My sister came back into town for my Mom's 100 year old birthday, 6 months later. We had started moving stuff out so that we could get it ready to rent. We took the smaller pictures down, and moved things and pictures so that they could be more organized as how they were going to be dispositioned. My sister brought our Mom back to her condo so that my Mom could help disposition the furniture, and her remaining clothes and pictures. At the end of the day, my Mom said "It is time for me to go back home." At that point, we knew she was okay with no longer living in her house.
We told her that we were going to rent her place. She wanted to keep up with everything that happened....who we gave what piece of furniture, whether we found x, what were we going to do with the couches, whether we found x, etc. When we finally moved 99% of it out, two weeks later, she requested several times that she wanted to see it again. I warned her that it didn't look anything like it was before. She said she was okay.
So I took her again to see it. It brought back a whole bunch of memories of when she moved in and how excited she was to move into a new place, and all the major events that happened while she lived at the condo (e.g. how she used to dread leaving because she was worried about flooding from upstairs). She looked in all the drawers and cabinets to ensure we really did take everything.
It brought closure. She has not questioned again whether she could move back from Memory Care to her condo.
So, I personally think the answer is "it depends". If you have substantially changed it visually, then it would be okay for your MIL to come for a visit. However, if you had a hard time getting her out of the house to the NH and the house when she sees it looks substantially like what she remembers, you might have a hard time getting her back to where she was UNLESS she really truly loves where she is living now and they provide services that she appreciates.
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