You don't mention any Dementia in ur profile. It really all depends on Mom. If Dementia is involved you may have a hard time getting her back to the home. Also, the NH has become her norm so taking her out maybe upsetting. And, with Dementia they get overwhelmed easily. She may be ready to leave the moment she gets there.
I would talk to the Nurses that see her the most and see what they think.
Turekje, I can understand why your hubby want to do this for his Mom's birthday, but it is not a good idea.
I have read on this forum of situations where one did this for their parents, then when it was time to leave to go back to senior facility, the parent would refuse to leave the house.
If the furniture is still in the house, Mom may feel she can once again live in that house on her own. If the furniture is gone, it would be a shock to Mom, thinking someone stole everything.
I agree. It's a kind offer and thought, but it could so easily backfire on you and instead of a happy mom, you could have a weepy, depressed woman who suddenly is slapped in the face with all she's lost.
My MIL won't even LEAVE her house (literally) b/c she is so convinced that her 2 sons are going to throw her in a nursing home. I mean, not even go to the grocery store. Nothing.
I realize she's a really 'out there' case..but it's really sad: that she'd not trust her own kids to do what's right and best for her.
A party at the NH (where frankly, she probably has more friends anyway!) as opposed to taking her back to the home she already left would be a better option. And at the end, when she is tired and likely kind of emotional, she can just go back to her room.
I am a Realtor. I assume your Brother has POA? Great advice above. No need to go down Memory Lane with her, unless she wants to in conversation away from the home.
No. It will more than likely set her back and possibly cause trauma. His intentions may be kind, but this is the time to really focus on what is best for his mother/your MIL. Perhaps, if it will help him with his grief process, he could hold a simple bday gathering for his mother at the NH and bring things that are meaningful to him/her (photos/small tokens) from the house to talk about with others that day.
I wouldnt unless she is realistic & of sound mind about her situation then she can enjoy her 94th in her original home then gently taken back to her nursing home where she has 24hour care
That ship has sailed. When my mom left her home; she put it aside in her mind and embraced her new place. We were so grateful. We don’t talk about the old home, we talk like she has been in her place for years and she is okay with that. It is a blessing.
No, it will set her back. I had to sell my parents home of 60 years. Mom is happy but still misses her home and garden but even if she was able bodied I would not take her back to see her home.
he means well but it may be a bit emotionally damaging to her
Having been a caregiver for 12+ years and taking advice from AgingCare; I think it is He who needs to go to her home before he sells it. Instead of taking her out of a situation where she seemingly seems content - why don't you suggest to your husband to have a celebration of love. Plan a special time or event in her home; take photos or videos of rooms, items etc. for memories. Say goodbye to the home. Most caregivers will tell you if they are settled - happy - being taken good care of - meeting new friends - staff etc. leave it. Don't break what isn't broken for Mom. However, he needs closure - have it!
I feel only you and he can answer that because y’all know her best. My sister brought our father, age 90, to see a family home before it was torn down and then again later to see the remains before it was totally cleared away. He had known it needed to be removed a good while before it happened. It seemed to go fine and we were able to get some nice photos of him and his one remaining sister and us sitting on the old brick steps before they were cleared away. I felt like he appreciated it.
If it were me, I’d base my decision on how difficult it was for her to leave the home and how she feels about selling it if she is aware. Also, take in consideration if she is in contact with former neighbors.
We bought our current home that belonged to an elderly owner who was in a facility. His family did not tell him it was being sold. He was still in contact with our neighbor who innocently shared with him they liked their new neighbor. He immediately imagined we had simply moved in without the family knowing and it was awkward then to explain they had sold it without his knowledge.
If you choose to do this, I would suggest doing as we did. A small gathering of only adult family members. We had a small family dinner at my sister’s home right next door and then walked on the property sharing memories.
Is the 94 yo mother alert/oriented and cognitively able to make her own decisions? If so, the son should discuss with the pt. what the pt. wants to do? and also go over any challenges forseen or unforseen .... Also, son should confer with the pt's physician/caregiving team at the facility first for their input on pt. ability and their recommendation (s) on taking the pt. out anywhere. Consideration would need to be given not only to the physical but mental/emotional, spiritual challenges it could present. On the other hand, if the pt is A/O and the phyisician facility care team agree that it is permissable to take the pt. out, then the son and the pt need to decide. Does the pt know about the pending sale of home? Is the son going to tell her? There could be distraught grief around the sale of a home for anyone ,.... and then again....it can be a considered and wise choice.... Lots to consider ........ The son should definitely involve care team and patient in making the decisions..... Prayers and peace
It depends on her frame of mind and physical health. Is she happy in the NH? Or does she want to “go home to her house?” I think your husband, out of his love for her, is inserting his own feelings regarding what his mother would like. If she’s happy where she is and there’s a party room available at the NH, it might be better to celebrate there. Or if he wants to celebrate her outside of the NH, maybe he can reserve space in a restaurant or rent event space and have the celebration there. In my situation, there’s no way I’d give my aging parent the idea that she was coming home unless we were prepared to keep her there, which is impossible. Again, not knowing your MILs mental and physical limitations, it’s hard to say. I believe your husband wants to do the right thing. Figuring out what that is is the challenge.
I think Connie1234 hit the nail on the head by saying, " I think your husband, out of his love for her, is inserting his own feelings regarding what his mother would like."
If I was 94 (or elderly) and living in a nursing home, and my son came by to take me back to my house to 'celebrate' my birthday, then let me know he was selling it, I'd have a fit. I'd feel like he played some kind of cruel trick on me or something. Like saying, "Gee mom, remember how nice life USED to be when you lived here? Well now I'm selling your house & driving you back to the nursing home, ha!"
Where do these guys get their ideas from anyway?????????
Turekje: Quite honestly, this thought process is cruel at best and unwise at worst. Perhaps your husband should ask himself "What is the best plan for my mother?" - without any regard as to what HE would want.
What a terrible idea. If he insists on doing this, tell him to get a throw rug, have her stand on it in the middle of the room, then jerk it out from under her. It will hurt less than what he is proposing.
At age 94, your husband's mother may not enjoy excursions any more, especially if she is in a nursing home. Changes of venue are often disturbing for elderly people. They prefer being in familiar places with familiar routines, which now is her skilled nursing facility. People in skilled nursing need a lot of assistance for daily tasks, perhaps even assistance when transfering from bed to wheel chair, help taking her medications on schedule, all meals, assistance with bathing, dressing, etc. If she has dementia, it will be more of a disruption for her, and she may no longer remember her house. Better to leave her where she is in familiar surroundings and just take care of selling the house as needed.
How mentally and physically capable is your mother? Can she get into the house easily? Is she bed-bound or is she using a wheelchair? If using a wheelchair, is there a easy way for her to get into the house or will you be struggling to get her into the house? It needs to be a pleasant ride getting her from where she is, to her house.
When you put her in the NH, did she go willingly? Did she understand why she went? What was her attitude when she went to the NH?
How long was she in her home? Were there a lot of significant events that happened while she lived in that home?
Does she know you are planning on selling the home? What does it look like on the inside? Does it substantially look the same as the day she left it or have you changed it (e.g. removed pictures from the wall and furniture out of the house)? Are the walls the same color or the walls a different color?
My Mom was diagnosed with early dementia, however, it sure looked early mid-stage to me as she was occasionally incontinent and belligerant on top of the increasing forgetfulness.
Mom was 99.5 years old and had lived in her luxury condo for the last 15 years. The day that my Mom went into the nursing home, she didn't believe that she would be there long. In fact, she didn't want to take things to make the Memory Care room look like her new home as she didn't believe that it was worth the time to make it look like a home. She constantly questioned why she was going and I said "because I can no longer take care of you".
The only furniture that went with her was her dresser. The rest of the condo looked like it always looked.
I refused to let my Mom back into her place, worried that if we brought her back, she would refuse to go back to the Memory Care unit. She often asked why she had to be in Memory Care and why we couldn't just hire people to take care of her in her condo. There were other homeowners in the same complex who were bedridden and had 24 hour care.
My sister came back into town for my Mom's 100 year old birthday, 6 months later. We had started moving stuff out so that we could get it ready to rent. We took the smaller pictures down, and moved things and pictures so that they could be more organized as how they were going to be dispositioned. My sister brought our Mom back to her condo so that my Mom could help disposition the furniture, and her remaining clothes and pictures. At the end of the day, my Mom said "It is time for me to go back home." At that point, we knew she was okay with no longer living in her house.
We told her that we were going to rent her place. She wanted to keep up with everything that happened....who we gave what piece of furniture, whether we found x, what were we going to do with the couches, whether we found x, etc. When we finally moved 99% of it out, two weeks later, she requested several times that she wanted to see it again. I warned her that it didn't look anything like it was before. She said she was okay.
So I took her again to see it. It brought back a whole bunch of memories of when she moved in and how excited she was to move into a new place, and all the major events that happened while she lived at the condo (e.g. how she used to dread leaving because she was worried about flooding from upstairs). She looked in all the drawers and cabinets to ensure we really did take everything.
It brought closure. She has not questioned again whether she could move back from Memory Care to her condo.
So, I personally think the answer is "it depends". If you have substantially changed it visually, then it would be okay for your MIL to come for a visit. However, if you had a hard time getting her out of the house to the NH and the house when she sees it looks substantially like what she remembers, you might have a hard time getting her back to where she was UNLESS she really truly loves where she is living now and they provide services that she appreciates.
Hello Turekje. I don't have experience with this situation; however, I love that your husband wants to honor your mom and enjoy one more celebratory, family gathering in her home. He sounds like he has a good heart.
Before going full-speed-ahead, I'd consider how easy or difficult it was to transition his mother to nursing care. If she is happy where she is, you may not have to create an elaborate experience to bring her joy. If she isn't content where she is, it may be painful for her, as others have said, to leave her home again.
It might be a beautiful gift to take photos of her home, have others contribute to the memories, and put them together in a book she can share with her friends/the staff in the nursing home.
I don't know the right answer, but I agree with the sentiment of (paraphrasing) 'set aside how he feels, and thing real hard about how she would feel, then act only on that' For all I know, it may not differ from his own feelings. Just make sure you are right.
Personally, I feel like that would be emotional torture. I wouldn't put her through that. Take one last look at your house before I sell it? Sounds awful. Is this more for closure for your husband than it is for your MIL? She is 7 months into her new life and I can't think of any positives for her to go back.
Why not bring the party to her. See if there is a room at the facility that you can use to bring in a cake flowers and family members. That way there is minimal movement of mom. I don't know how mobile your MIL is, but maybe if there is a picnic table outside on the grounds of the facility, you could have a little get together out there with family.
I would talk to the Nurses that see her the most and see what they think.
I have read on this forum of situations where one did this for their parents, then when it was time to leave to go back to senior facility, the parent would refuse to leave the house.
If the furniture is still in the house, Mom may feel she can once again live in that house on her own. If the furniture is gone, it would be a shock to Mom, thinking someone stole everything.
Best to leave well enough alone.
My MIL won't even LEAVE her house (literally) b/c she is so convinced that her 2 sons are going to throw her in a nursing home. I mean, not even go to the grocery store. Nothing.
I realize she's a really 'out there' case..but it's really sad: that she'd not trust her own kids to do what's right and best for her.
A party at the NH (where frankly, she probably has more friends anyway!) as opposed to taking her back to the home she already left would be a better option. And at the end, when she is tired and likely kind of emotional, she can just go back to her room.
he means well but it may be a bit emotionally damaging to her
If it were me, I’d base my decision on how difficult it was for her to leave the home and how she feels about selling it if she is aware. Also, take in consideration if she is in contact with former neighbors.
We bought our current home that belonged to an elderly owner who was in a facility. His family did not tell him it was being sold. He was still in contact with our neighbor who innocently shared with him they liked their new neighbor. He immediately imagined we had simply moved in without the family knowing and it was awkward then to explain they had sold it without his knowledge.
If you choose to do this, I would suggest doing as we did. A small gathering of only adult family members. We had a small family dinner at my sister’s home right next door and then walked on the property sharing memories.
If I was 94 (or elderly) and living in a nursing home, and my son came by to take me back to my house to 'celebrate' my birthday, then let me know he was selling it, I'd have a fit. I'd feel like he played some kind of cruel trick on me or something. Like saying, "Gee mom, remember how nice life USED to be when you lived here? Well now I'm selling your house & driving you back to the nursing home, ha!"
Where do these guys get their ideas from anyway?????????
How mentally and physically capable is your mother? Can she get into the house easily? Is she bed-bound or is she using a wheelchair? If using a wheelchair, is there a easy way for her to get into the house or will you be struggling to get her into the house? It needs to be a pleasant ride getting her from where she is, to her house.
When you put her in the NH, did she go willingly? Did she understand why she went? What was her attitude when she went to the NH?
How long was she in her home? Were there a lot of significant events that happened while she lived in that home?
Does she know you are planning on selling the home? What does it look like on the inside? Does it substantially look the same as the day she left it or have you changed it (e.g. removed pictures from the wall and furniture out of the house)? Are the walls the same color or the walls a different color?
My Mom was diagnosed with early dementia, however, it sure looked early mid-stage to me as she was occasionally incontinent and belligerant on top of the increasing forgetfulness.
Mom was 99.5 years old and had lived in her luxury condo for the last 15 years. The day that my Mom went into the nursing home, she didn't believe that she would be there long. In fact, she didn't want to take things to make the Memory Care room look like her new home as she didn't believe that it was worth the time to make it look like a home. She constantly questioned why she was going and I said "because I can no longer take care of you".
The only furniture that went with her was her dresser. The rest of the condo looked like it always looked.
I refused to let my Mom back into her place, worried that if we brought her back, she would refuse to go back to the Memory Care unit. She often asked why she had to be in Memory Care and why we couldn't just hire people to take care of her in her condo. There were other homeowners in the same complex who were bedridden and had 24 hour care.
My sister came back into town for my Mom's 100 year old birthday, 6 months later. We had started moving stuff out so that we could get it ready to rent. We took the smaller pictures down, and moved things and pictures so that they could be more organized as how they were going to be dispositioned. My sister brought our Mom back to her condo so that my Mom could help disposition the furniture, and her remaining clothes and pictures. At the end of the day, my Mom said "It is time for me to go back home." At that point, we knew she was okay with no longer living in her house.
We told her that we were going to rent her place. She wanted to keep up with everything that happened....who we gave what piece of furniture, whether we found x, what were we going to do with the couches, whether we found x, etc. When we finally moved 99% of it out, two weeks later, she requested several times that she wanted to see it again. I warned her that it didn't look anything like it was before. She said she was okay.
So I took her again to see it. It brought back a whole bunch of memories of when she moved in and how excited she was to move into a new place, and all the major events that happened while she lived at the condo (e.g. how she used to dread leaving because she was worried about flooding from upstairs). She looked in all the drawers and cabinets to ensure we really did take everything.
It brought closure. She has not questioned again whether she could move back from Memory Care to her condo.
So, I personally think the answer is "it depends". If you have substantially changed it visually, then it would be okay for your MIL to come for a visit. However, if you had a hard time getting her out of the house to the NH and the house when she sees it looks substantially like what she remembers, you might have a hard time getting her back to where she was UNLESS she really truly loves where she is living now and they provide services that she appreciates.
Before going full-speed-ahead, I'd consider how easy or difficult it was to transition his mother to nursing care. If she is happy where she is, you may not have to create an elaborate experience to bring her joy. If she isn't content where she is, it may be painful for her, as others have said, to leave her home again.
It might be a beautiful gift to take photos of her home, have others contribute to the memories, and put them together in a book she can share with her friends/the staff in the nursing home.
God bless your hearts.
Why not bring the party to her. See if there is a room at the facility that you can use to bring in a cake flowers and family members. That way there is minimal movement of mom. I don't know how mobile your MIL is, but maybe if there is a picnic table outside on the grounds of the facility, you could have a little get together out there with family.
He is wanting to do this to make himself feel better about selling the house.
She has moved on, it is time that he did as well. Taking her back will not ease the blow of selling her house.