I'm 65 years old, married 44 years, managing my dad's care for almost 8. This site has been a lifesaver for me on numerous occasions as there have been some bad times for him, but these days, he is stable in MC. But now it's about ME! My husband retired in 2019. but I continually feel like he wants me to entertain him. We do, however, have vacation property that he goes to in spring/summer/fall just 2 hours’ drive from here. Sometimes I go too but time by myself is so important, and I enjoy it so much, so I usually stay home. I continue to work, which is my choice. I am a data analyst for a large company. I've been doing this for 10 years and have earned respect of my coworkers and make a comfortable living. We have been work-from-home since Covid. I really like what I do and have no intention of quitting anytime soon, which has caused issues here, but I feel like this is MY choice and no one else's, not to mention, I can't afford to quit. I've seen what things cost as you age from being my dad's guardian and conservator. I also do 3 Zumba classes a week and my husband and I work out with a personal trainer 1 day a week. I enjoy crafting and have sewing and a Cricut. There seems to be this push for me to 'get a life'. If I hear it one more time, I will scream. I have a life I am quite happy with but no one else seems to believe or understand that. My husband doesn't want to hear about work anymore (I've been leading a project for my team the last 3-1/2 years so long hours) or Zumba anymore, nor does the rest of my family. (Just my husband and I here at home). Last year we sold dad's house which took most of a year. Family got tired of hearing about that too. So, for the most part, I pretty much clam up about what's going on in my life and then people wonder why I'm so quiet. At the urging of my husband to find something to do (i.e., I think he wants me to become passionate about something other than work or Zumba), I purchased myself a telescope for Christmas and am taking an astronomy class at the community college this term. I also signed up for Zumba instructor training in March. It's been on the 'bucket' list for a while. Not necessarily to teach, just to see what the training is about.
He says I'm too set in my ways. I'm not spontaneous enough. Sorry, I function better on a schedule. It's my accounting brain. I feel this constant push from my husband and kids to change. I don't want to change, I don't feel the need to change, and I'm perfectly happy doing what I'm doing. Am I wrong? Why can't others accept me for who I am and what I do? Isn't this MY CHOICE? I feel like after 44 years of marriage, that I should at least have some control of my life. Do other seniors go through this from their spouse and kids?
There's a line in Framley Parsonage where a mother is worried that her daughter is treating an eligible suitor too coldly - "she could no more teach Griselda to be impulsive than she could teach her to be six feet high, but could she perhaps teach her to *seem* so..?"
When DH says you're not "spontaneous enough" does he actually mean you should whoop off to the cottage with a merry laugh when in fact you have a project all lined up? Can you tell him - or anyone else who's dropping ten ton hints on your foot - that you've had a spontaneous urge to get on with what you wanted to do in the first place?
My bucket list included learning to play the tuba, and I’m a work in progress.
I LOVE playing the tuba. My husband likes me to be happy. I play the tuba.
He loves gardening, tinkering, and politics.
He has a niche I have a niche, we’re both happy.
I'm 57. Recently had my 24 year old son tell me all the things my hubby and I should do to have a better life. Erm, we've been blissfully married for more than 30 years, have a lovely home, travel and see friends and family as much as we want to (and as little as we want to). My son has been out of grad school for 6 months, is unmarried and living on his own for the first time in his life.
You have to laugh sometimes.
Just ignore them.
I'm 65 myself. I do what I do and I am who I am. Whoever doesn't appreciate me as is, can go suck an egg. Honestly. I didn't work to get where I am in life for all these years to now be told what I'm 'not'. You know? I am a child of God and just for THAT reason alone, I am more than enough, as are you.
God bless you and help you realize your worth and your value in this world. Nobody has to 'do' or 'be' anything in particular to HAVE value, either, as our very presence is enough. What you do for your dad and your family alone is proof of all you DO give back in this world! You're definitely not wrong with your thought process.
I'm sorry your tone deaf family is making you feel badly; it's unwarranted and rotten of them to be doing so. Let them know that, too. It's not okay to push off OUR feelings on OTHERS.
I just got highly irritated at DH for not doing what I didn't expect him to do in the first place. Sigh. I'm going to go into the living room and give him a kiss on his forehead. It's okay that he is who he is........I have to make adjustments for his shortcomings, as he does for me. That's what love does. We accept one another for who we ARE, and we all need a reminder of that once in a while. Thanks for yours today.
We met at work but several years ago I changed jobs. We used to talk about work non-stop but once I changed jobs he no longer wanted to hear about my work. Life is too short. Do all those things on your bucket list.
Mom was wondering when she could retire from cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, grocery shopping, etc. What she did when Dad was acting bored she handed him the vacuum cleaner, and she had him come along when she was grocery shopping even though that chore bored him to death [bored me, too]. Eventually they signed up to do volunteer work and did that for the next 20 years.
Keep on working, Babs. I also have that "accounting brain" worked for a wonderful boss and we were hoping to work forever. We were like Perry Mason and Della Street. Sadly covid came along and my boss died at 85 and I closed up the business at 74. I am going stir crazy at home. Even my own volunteer work at a hospital was stopped after my 20 years due to covid restrictions, my age made me a risk. My hubby is working part time and he is 76, this is his third career, so I am glad that keeps him busy.
Something in your post jumped out at me. You say your husband retired in 2019, but you didn't because you can't afford to. So my question is: was the original "plan" that you would BOTH retire around the same time? And if so, would your husband have considered postponing his retirement had he understood that he would be "retired alone", so to speak?
I only ask this because when my husband and I started to get serious, I was aware his plan was to work until he "aged out" or our job; but it was my intention to retire after my 20 years. Now, that's not exactly the way it happened, as things changed, but if your plans had been you would both retire near each other, and then you changed the script, so to speak, that might explain your husband's attitude.
Mind you, I am NOT advocating for you to give up your life and likes for your husband's sake; I'm just wondering, that after 44 years of marriage, why, suddenly (or so it seems) that your husband wants you to change your ways and who you are. That's assuming you've been like this for the entirety of your marriage, that is.
You enjoy your work so it would be silly to stop doing what you enjoy doing.
If you hated every weekday and it brought you nothing but frustration then quit!
"Get a life" !!! My gosh you do more in your week than many do in a month.
You are active, engaged, you enjoy your time alone yet you enjoy time with family! What more could they want. ??
If your husband is feeling like he wants you to spend time with him when he goes to the vacation house maybe once in a while pack your laptop and work from home in your other home. He can still do his thing and you do yours but you can enjoy your after work time together.
YOU do not HAVE to change for anyone other than yourself. If and only when YOU feel like you want to make a change do you have to do so.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!
See All Answers