I am 24/7 caregiver for my sister who has Alzheimer's. We live together in a lakesite golf cart community on Elks property in Texas. Once very social and only moderately "loopy," a recent kidney infection seriously affected her mind. She knows what she is saying, but it just doesn't come out right. Doctors have no idea why this happened. CAT Scan and MRI revealed nothing. The lodge is the social center of this mostly older community. Today she was snubbed. I actually overheard a friend tell another, "You don't want to sit there, trust me." As in, don't sit next to Sharon. I was mortified for her. This man turned his back on her. He was once one of her favorite people. Everyone went on with their happy times and we were left out. Yes, it's hard to talk to her. You can't say you don't know what she means and ask her to explain. She has no idea that she's not making any sense. There ARE ways to follow her train of thought and make her feel included! I’ve told people to smile and say hello. Follow her facial expressions and body language. If she laughs after spewing a bunch of numbers, laugh WITH her! Give her a hug and tell her you love her and go back to your own table. It’s so simple. How do you handle this forced social isolation? I don’t want to just keep her home! I’ve never felt so lonely. I’m Susan.
As people came over to us, they watched how I responded to her and they picked up on how to do it very quickly. There were lots of laughs and Sharon had a great time.
A REAL teaching moment!!!
Susan
That for sure doesn’t excuse their behavior. It sounds like a throwback to the junior high lunchroom where the shunned kids sat alone. It makes me want to grab the man who turned his back on your sister and the woman with the snarky mouth and get in their faces. “Weren’t you raised better than that?” I certainly would have said something had I overheard the comment the woman made about not sitting with your sister. At that point, what would you have to lose? Seems like these people haven’t moved on from the lunch table mentaility.
You can’t force people like this to be friendly to you or your sister. I wouldn’t want them as friends anyway. There must be someone in that group who isn’t a jerkimer. Focus on them. And maybe drop a word in their ear about the others after a few get-togethers. “Oh, We’re so glad we met you, Marge! My sister and I really enjoy spending time with you!” Or, there’s always at least one “gossip” in the group. Make a comment to him or her about your sister’s shoddy treatment. Again, what have you got to lose? If by some chance, you do meet someone nice, invite them for coffee or a glass of wine at your place. You and Sis don’t need to be social butterflies, but she might enjoy a get together at home.
I am embarrassed for and by these small-minded people. They don’t know what they’re missing by snubbing you and Sis. Give Sis a big hug for me and tell her if I were there, we’d have such a good time we’d make all those %#$@*s jealous!
I think generally many people w/o caring experience are afraid of someone whose behavior may not fit the norm, and perhaps even more afraid if they don't understand it. And if they don't have that experience, don't study, don't try to interact, they compound the isolation.
I don't know if it would help to speak to these people privately and explain how cruel their behavior is, especially the "don't sit there" advice. That was really low class, tacky and unkind.
Are there any programs that address community residents, such as explaining aging conditions, changes in behavior, and how to still communicate with folks affected by these conditions? Since this is primarily an older community, if there's a HOA, this would be the ideal means to reach out to the residents.
Is there any type of educational program, through which someone could bring in a guest speaker, under the guise of general education for the elder members and their families?
Susan, people do back away from what they either don’t understand or fear for themselves. We have an adult son with an hypoxic brain injury and have learned over the years that few people really want to know much about him or spend much time with him. And he’s a pleasant person, just a different bird in some ways. It is almost like people unconsciously think they can catch it if they get too close. Others offer suggestions to fix it and are frustrated when there’s no easy answer. Your sister is blessed to have you in her corner, I hope others will see your great relationship and give you both a chance
See All Answers