Let me provide a little information about my situation. My father passed away 3 years ago and he was the sole provider of the household. They never saved for retirement so my mother is poor.
As a result , she has been living for the past 3 years between my house and my 2 siblings.
It has been difficult, my mother is the type of person who is critical, negative, emotionally immature, and anxious. She has never been affectionate with us, for instance, when I try to hug her goodbye I feel nothing from those hugs.
She has never bothered to have a good relationship with my sister and I, she has a good relationship with my brother and they talk all the time. He was always treated like her actual kid and to me she just feels like a distant relative.
I have tried talking to her about how I feel, but takes no accountability for her actions. It’s everybody’s fault but hers, and her excuse is just her personality.
I am married with 2 children 7&13. She has never bothered to have a relationship with my kids. My youngest told us he feels uncomfortable having her live with us and wants her to go away. My husband doesn’t want her around either. I am willing to tolerate her because she is my mother but she makes me feel on edge.
I can’t say she was abusive growing up? But I did have a low self steam because she was very critical and had no faith in me. She and my dad were always working so I took on the responsibility at watching my 2 siblings at an early age which took my childhood away.
She has been at my sister’s but she says she is tired of her. My brother’s place is too small to have her stay long term.
The only decision we came up with she must move to her native country as she still has family there. We are willing to chip in and pay her rent. She has been crying saying she is not capable living alone. She is in good health at 78 years of age, except for arthritis. Worries me what will happen if she becomes ill? Who will look after her? I feel like a terrible daughter, and sending her off to live to another country almost feels like we are getting rid of the problem.
This situation has taken a toll on me as I can’t help but feel guilty despite the fact that she doesn’t reciprocate, and almost feel like I’m just being used because she has nowhere to stay.
I would love to hear people’s experiences and perspectives on this situation. Thank you.
Mom didn't plan for her golden years. Mom doesn't think she can live alone. Why are these your problems? Let her try and solve them without you being the answer to everything.
When Mom says she wants to come back to your home tell her the truth. She is too hard to live with. She makes everyone miserable. You can't have your home like that. Its suppose to be a safe place to fall for my husband and children. With you living with us, its not. Your only option now is to live with your beloved son. You have burnt ur bridges everywhere else. Or you find a nice low income apt.
See if there is a HUD senior apt near you. These apts are for 65 and up. HUD requires 30% of her monthly income for rent. Office of Aging can help you with resourses. She matpy be entitled to a free phone. Tracfone has this service. They give a certain amount of minutes free a month and you can add to that. She can have an antennia for her TV. Electric would not be much. These places have common areas where people meet. Ours has a laundry on each floor so you don't need to go out of the building. They have a bus for shopping and appts. She needs furniture, I have seen some decent stuff in Habitat for Humanity shops. Consignment shops. You could all probably find thingsvin your places she can use. Thrift shops are great. You get her all set up and then see how much money extra she may need.
Your Mom has made her bed. If she had been a pleasant person to live with there would be no problem. She needs to understand that your family comes first.
I was groomed to be a people pleaser and always be a doormat for my mother. She is now dead but I can say she had a tongue that could slash you like a knife if you pissed her off. Her diatribes still ring in my ears.
At the age of 58 I had an epiphany and realized I needed to uproot myself and move 3000 miles away in order to have the life that I wanted. She never really forgave me for that.
But it was at that point that I decided I didn’t give a flying fig what she thought about me anymore.
I wasted too much time trying to please her. I was afraid of her unfortunately.her legacy to me is not to be nasty to my husband or daughter. Words can hurt.
My parents followed within months .
Not longer after I became their lifeline for over a decade .
I am so glad that I finally stopped being a people pleaser when my daughter was a teenager , so I did not pass it on to her . She witnessed the change in me .
Thank goodness , My daughter knows how to say “ No “.
She lived next next door to us for 17+ years. It was tense, to say the least, especially once dementia destroyed what little filter she had. She is now in care, I have apologized to my children and they say they understand I was doing my best in a bad situation. I still feel bad that they were subjected to her behaviour.
Put your immediate family first. And put the onus on her to solve her problem. You are NOT her solution. Hold her accountable. Tell her she must solve this for herself, with a viable long term plan that does not involve her children nor grandchildren Yes, you’re being used. And no, you will not win her love with money or care. Daughters like you and me are just a means to an end.
I was another daughter who was groomed to be my mother’s solutions .
It doesn’t go well . I’m lucky my husband didn’t leave. I also apologized to my husband and children .
Maybe we should start a terrible daughter's club.
My mom would vote me in a president. 🤪
She birthed you, that’s all. She was never a mother to you.
So you’re okay with sacrificing your marriage and your kids so you can “be a good daughter”? Because that is exactly what you’re doing.
Stop trying to mend fences with her. She doesn’t want to mend anything. Stop trying to make her happy or placate her.
You're not a bad daughter, she's a bad mother. Focus on your children and your husband now.
You are a grownup now with small children of your own. YOU are THEIR legacy of what it is to be an adult, to act responsibly, to protect and love your children. It is time to tell your mother THAT and to tell her you are not and cannot be responsible for her life and her happiness.
Your household money should not be used for your elders. You will need a LIFETIME of savings to make you safe in old age so that YOU are not a burden to YOUR CHILDREN.
Your parents were not responsible. This has left your mother a carpetbagger moving from household to household, unhappy, unwanted, and paying an awful price for what she has created. You cannot change what she has done with her life. You CAN suggest she move back to the home country and make a life for herself the best she is able.
As to are you a bad daughter? You are not the CHILD HERE. Your CHILDREN are the child. YOU are the adult. You are responsible for your children to break this legacy of neglect and neediness and lack of loving care. The choice is yours. I believe you love your children very much. I believe you want good quality loving home for them so they grow strong and independent, and aren't left marinating on the subject of the quality of hugs. I remember my mom saying she would raise us with all the love she had in her, but would raise us to be strong and independent because, as she said "That's what the WORLD will require of you". She was so right. I am 82, and I still think of her daily, and always with tremendous love and admiration. That's what I would like to see for your own kids--that they think of your strength, your loving care, your support, your independence, your GREAT hugs every single day of their lives.
Parents like your mother are a dime a dozen. My mother is exactly like her. My father was similar though he didn't have the jealousy or resentment and was actually genuinely happy for his children when something good came into our lives. He certainly never helped us with anything like education or giving us a start in life, but he didn't resent it when one of us succeeded at something.
So much of the time a parent doesn't understand that when you plant a field of resentment and indifference with your children, don't expect to a harvest a crop of love and compassion.
You don't owe your mother a damn thing. You already paid her back a tenfold for anything she ever did for you, my friend. It's not your responsibility or your siblings to pay her rent or provide for her in your homes.
You and your siblings need to get together and discuss what you're all willing to do with your mother. After a plan is made you sit down with her.
Tell her the choices are she goes into senior housing or assisted living and she pays for it, or she can go back to her native country where she still has family. You and your siblings MUST back each other up and be firm about her not living with any of you.
And my friend, if you feel like you're only being used by her because she has nowhere to live, you are correct. Never doubt your own instincts about anything. People often make this mistake and force themselves to go against what their gut tells them, and it never ends well.
My experience living with my mother and helping her was not a positive one and I had to go. She was very jealous and resentful when I got back together with my ex and got a home. She thought for sure that she would be moving into the attached in-law suite the house has. When that didn't happen she doubled-down on the slanderous lies to anyone who'd listen, the attempted guilt-tripping, and the verbal abuse. I ignore it. When I call and she starts, I hang up. When I visit and she starts, I leave.
She's set up with homecare and that will work until it doesn't and if there has to be a new plan made, it will be a nursing home.
My sibling nor I are willing to have her living with either of us and she could never afford live-in homecare.
No Guilt. No Regrets.
Time for her to grow up and stop making your family miserable so she doesn't have to take personal responsibility for her and her life.
Check with the Senior Service Center or the Area Agency on Aging and see what programs she might qualify for. Most areas have a Housing Authority so you can begin the application and search for Senior Housing.
I beg to differ with you in your thought that you were not abused. It sounds like you were emotionally abused as was your sister. (depending on culture the fact that you are eldest but not male might play a big part in this)
You should not be subjecting your children to living in a household where they feel uncomfortable and you are are on edge. And your husband does not want her in the house.
Honestly if she has all these negative feelings around her how or why do you expect her to want a relationship that is other than cordial. (and you expect her to hug you back..with feeling?)
thank you for the advise. I guess when I think of abuse I think of physical, and I always think there are other people out there that have been mistreated a lot worse where I feel like using the word abuse doesn’t quite fit? But as I do some self reflection I could say her lack of emotional support was abuse. It’s so hard to understand how can she be so emotion less, and when she tries it does feel cordial, like an act. Whenever I see my kids I can’t get enough of just hugging them so tight.
You are NOT a terrible daughter for wanting to put yourself, your husband, marriage and children before your needy mother. That is the way it should be.
And just because your mother never grew up and learned how to be on her own doesn't mean that she can't learn now. Better late than never right?
Your mother is using you and your siblings, so it's time now for her to spread her wings and fly....on her own. And if it means back in her country, well so be it.
I just hate that you and your siblings will have to pay her way, as you all will need your own money for the future.
Doesn't your mother receive your fathers social security? She should be receiving that if she lives here in the US, and that should be plenty for her to live on especially in a different country.
Hold your head high and keep putting your husband and children before your mother and you will never go wrong.
My mom's 88 , first of all you need to except the fact that mom will never change, she will never give you what you are looking for. Moms never going to change, and start appreciating you, and make you feel unconditionally loved.
Your moms only 78, you've got a long road ahead of you if you don't get mom into her own place, ASAP or better yet yesterday!
Your family you have built has to come first, all of her children should not be helping out financially.
You did not make your moms financial issues, you didn't force her to not take responsibility for her aging years, you did not make her old. This is not your responsibility, you, your children and your husband are your responsibility.
Move mom on her own before ten plus years go by and your still trying to impress mom.
Welcome to are forum. Laffytaffy, love you name.
Coming back to add something, very typical that mom has a better relationship with your brother, I don't know why but my mom worshiped my dad , and now my brother. It's very typical, probably a generational thing.
I'm learning disabled, my mom new didn't get me help for it and hid it, and to make it worse teased me. Still does. Last week she had the school girl giggles when I said her instead of him. Sure others had it worse, but it very much effects your self esteem. Which is exactly what they want your self esteem down to zero , so they can control you.
You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness . You should not pay rent for her either .
If you are in the US, your Mom must get Dads SS. Have you looked into low income apts for her ? The rent is based on her monthly income which would be her SS check .
You are not a terrible daughter . Your parents were responsible for planning for their retirement years .