Am I being greedy?

DITTO to all responses. Siblings don't believe or are clueless as to what 24/7 caregiving is -- giving up your Life, income, future income=Social Security and MOST of ALL "YOUR" LIFE and neglect of yourself & family. I would suggest calling 3 home health agencies and get a written quote from them, (they charge MORE than $20/hr depending on where you live. Then mail a copy to siblings. Then write a list of everything you do, everyday, for a month. If you do not have a Durable AND Healthcare POA (power of attorneys) a Will, and End of Life Decisions. You need to them now! I had them all and even though the Will shows me as the executor I still can't process checks (for estate purposes) ...by NC state law without "permission" from the courts. Save yourself some extra hardship by doing this now. Also, if you thing siblings are greedy now, just wait until precious mom passes on to heaven. They'll be very impatient, wanting their share even though I'm dealing . My hat goes off to you. I couldn't take care of her alone

I took care of my mom until she passed Nov 2014. Siblings don't realize how hard it is. She lived with me and I drove her to every appointment and dialysis 3x a week. Our relationship suffered because of the financial strain I was under and there wasn't anything I could do. I am not sure where you live but I discovered that since my dad who is deceased, had retired from the military they would pay me to take care of mom. Mom would need to pay me and I would need a record of those payments, just need a record of the payment, not a record of what I did with the payment. I think I could have collected almost $1400 a month for mom. Its takes time, but if you have time its worth it. Unfortunately moms health was declining way too fast by the time I found out about the benefits. When I spoke with them they said I would be approved but would take an additional 90 days to get things going. That was Sept and mom died in Nov. I told them to just forget it. They don't pay retro so it was just paperwork that was taking up my time. And your being greedy, I hardly think so. You wouldn't believe some of the things I had to do to make ends meet. Nothing illegal or anything like that, just low paying jobs here and there. By the time I did some of the jobs I would end up making $1 an hour, but that was a $1 we didn't have before. And I'm disabled with spinal fusion, neck fusion, 5 hip replacements, quad bypass and 5 brothers and sisters who I no longer speak to who didn't care much about our mom or me... Its hard but you cant force them to pay it. God Bless you..

Agree with all responses above, assisted living in this area starts at $4000.00 a month. Take care of your health, it is very exhausting being a care giver, if family complains ask them to step up and provide assistance.

No you are not being greedy. I have been taking care of my mother who is 85. She has dementia. Accusing everyone of stealing. Does not like to bathe. Is a hoarder will hide the mail. Leaves the stove on. Loses everything. Cannot remember anything I say. Is hard of hearing and is addicted to lorazepam. Cannot drive but wants to. Cannot pass the written test. But wants to keep taking it. Trys to dress young. Tight pants and short dresses. And does nasty things like urinate in bottles in her room. The carpet needs to be ripped up and replaced. I have been her care taker for 5 years now. My brothers a contractor and firefighter. Do nothing. They know she likes to eat. But never take her out. Now they inform me they want me to get a loan on the house and me pay on it. My boyfriend lives here too. He repairs everything around here. He loves my mom she adores him because he brings her goodys all the time. And she loves men. Since she loses absolutely everything. The money he gives me I pay the bills and buy food. My brothers want money to fix the house and put some in het account. And my older brother wants about 10 thousand for himself. My moms house is paid for. I dont want to borrow a dime. My mother cannot live by herself or cook or do anything but get a yogurt and watch tv. She has heater on constantly. Recently I got power of attorney with my moms sister. My firefighter brother said he was get it and take over.. Well.. Not if I can help it. I expect a huge blow up soon with us. Also my neice. Said she would move in with her two spoiled rotton bad little boys. And take care of mom. I dont think so. This is MY mother and they cannot bully me or put me out. And my moms really dont want my neice moving here. I have little money and wish I could get 200 a week or any in home care. But probably cannot because she owns this house. And we are behind in taxes and catching that up. No help from my brothers nor do they visit. When they do they complain the whole time.

I paid $25 an hour for home health to help me with my husband. We now live in Assisted Living, and the aids here get $10 an hour. At that rate, you should be getting at least $200 a DAY, not a month. Your siblings should be happy to just send $$ to you so that they don't have to be involved in her care!!

Well it's been a couple of weeks since asked, but this question hits home with me. Have an attorney draw up a caregiver contract between you and your mom. If not already, you should also have POA for mom for health and finances. Keep a record of the hours you work for mom and what you do. You should not feel bad being an employee of your moms. That's what it is basically.

Caregiving is a life changing event, from the smallest level of change where you have to stop by your dads house and drive him to his doc appointments, and to his weekly meeting to visit friends or for whatever that might take a day out of every week, to full care of a parent in your home, on any level it will change your life. Caregiving has driven many people to financial ruin as well, or even prevented them from building on their own retirement.

I had to shut down a business I started that was doing well to take care of my parent who is disabled, needs 4 to 6 hours of care each day, not counting if he gets sick.

As an employee, you will have to pay income tax, I'd recommend you take that seriously and a good tax service can help you with that for a small fee, it's worth it. I personally work a lot of hours and have a lot of expense for my parent care that I do not get paid for because the funds aren't there, but I keep out of a financial hole by what I do make. People can get paid up to 12.00 an hour in their home for taking care of a loved one, that hourly pay is based on Medicaid boundaries depending on the state you live in. You can also be reimbursed for mileage when you pick up prescriptions, do their shopping, take them to doc appointments, or anything they insist on where you must use your vehicle to drive them. You can also be reimbursed for utilities used. My parent keeps an electric heater running 24/7 year round, and has bedding to wash almost every day, it adds up fast when you're on a limited income. Basically for my situation, my parent wanted to live at a certain level I could not provide financially, so he arranged to employee me so he could run the heater, go where he wants when he wants, etc.... it keeps the home running so he can live where he wants to live.

Some people are caregiver employees to parents who have the resources to pay them full time, even do add on's to a house so they can have their own living quarters, and still hire a health aide to come in a few times a week to give the home caregiver a break. So there is a wide range of how families use a caregiver contract and how an elder can use their resources for their senior years to stay out of NH.

Having been a paid caregiver it is not enough.
They have no idea what 24/7 care entails. Invite them ti come out and care for her 1 week while you take a much needed rest.
Also you can call various care agencies and ask them what 24/7 live in would cost.

$200 is very low, which is about $10/hr--not even the minimum wage. You should find out the average wage for a caregiver in your area. Then figure out what you should charge for your services. Of course, your fee depends on your mother's ability to pay.
You did not mention your age. However, if you are leaving your job to be a caregiver, finding work after your caregiving ends could be very difficult. Employers understand taking break to have a baby, but they don't see caregiving in the same positive way.
Your wages as a caregiver must be reported to SS, especially if they are close to what you earned in your former employment. Please make sure that your pay period and who willl write your paycheck is well understood by all. Afterall, you are working and should be paid in a timely manner.
If your siblings are contentious, then you might consider getting a time clock that you would use to punch in every morning and out every night. Also during emergencies at night. Also keep accurate records of every penny you spend while you are a caregiver. Be as responsible as if you were employed by a business or company.
You need to factor in paying for respite care. If you don't have regular breaks from caregiving, you will burn out. Factor the respite care into the household expenses. Of course giver your siblings the opportunity to provide respite care regularly. A backup plan if you can't work or are ill is a must.

I don't think $200.00 is enough - thank rest of family for making you rethink then ask $250.00 - that is just above slave wage [or is it?] - if they question you further add more then 'settle' for the $250.00 which is $1.4880 [so under a buck & a half] per hour with NO BENIFITS other than the love of your parent - tell rest of family to take long walk off short pier

Your relatives are wacky! If your mom ends up in a nursing home, their "inheritance" will vanish in no time! My friend's mom languished in a nursing home for 10 years, and her million dollar estate went right down the drain.

I agree with alot of what has been said above. I am the middle child of 5 and I am the only one providing the care for mom while maintaining a full time job. I absolutely agree with compensating yourself, I do. I felt guilty at first but I don't anymore. I would agree that $200 is not very much money. I was put in a situation with my siblings that I had to apply for Community Medicaid with Immedia Care for my mom because the one POA decided there was no more money for mom's care or to pay me rent. I was given 2 months to make all this happen. Oh, and this POA never stops in to see mom and she lives a couple of blocks away. OH, and she is the primary on the health care proxy and has no clue what is happening with mom. If my mom only knew, it would absolutely break her heart. It is disturbing how quickly the other siblings wrote mom off as if she were already dead.
Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and your mom and don't worry about what any sibling thinks. Yes, be sure you consult an elder care attorney in regard to a contract to protect yourself. I can also tell you that through Medicaid, in New York anyway, they allow for rent to be paid to the primary caregiver who is providing the shelter, food, etc. So, I hope that reinforces that you are absolutely entitled and you are in no way greedy. You are a rock star for being a caregiver to your mom. Take care of yourself.

No, you are not greedy at all. Big hugs to you ((( ))).

No you are not greedy.I deal with the same thing.my grandpa passed in may.my mom and aunt are very mad.i paid myself. And they didn't get any money...I've lived with grandpa for 4 yrs.i paid myself for 20 months. They r the greedy ones.very well off.and I couldn't pay bills the month after her passed.I had to do what was best for me and him...good luck..greedy family sucks..

Are you kidding me? $200 A DAY would be a bargain!!! Send some of these responses to your siblings. They haven't a clue what it takes to be a caregiver.

I agree with Dustein. I started out exactly the same as you except my siblings were okay with the little amount of money. As the years went by Mom's expenses became so much more, just on groceries and medication alone. My husband was the only one working and because I was her daughter we took care of all of the overflow. There is a reason why the independent living centers cost so much. They provide the care you are providing, nursing, meals, therapy, a place to live, etc. It all costs... even if you are family. As I said, my siblings were okay with the minimal cost that I needed to help with her until she passed. Then suddenly I should have been caring for her for free. My husband and I actually spent thousands each month caring for her. I loved that she was in a home environment, as did she, but it costs to maintain that. Meds are expensive, as are groceries, and to devote your time 24 hours a day. I wish we would have done a contract every year. That way as Mom needs grew, we could have revised the contract. I also wish we would have visited a lawyer so they could have advised Mom as to what she needed to do to that we hadn't thought of. As it stands now I never speak to the siblings. Because of this we are fractured and will never speak again. I am hurt they stand in judgment and yet know nothing of what it took, or the time that was spent. I loved that Mom was with us and that she was happy. That, in the end, made me far richer than my siblings will ever be. Even though it is uncomfortable, get things in writing with Mom if she is able. Leave room every year to go back over contracts and things that she wanted as her needs will change. Have the lawyer make a trip to your home and spend an hour to chat with her. Regardless of whether the siblings agree or not, let them know the alternatives...$6000+ for independent living centers, or $480 a day for a service to come in. We tried the service to keep Mom in her home and independent for longer. We decided after about a year that it was too costly, and having family care for her 24/7 was better. Family Care meaning me...I saw the siblings maybe three times in close to 5 years. Don't let your siblings goad you into thinking what you are doing isn't valuable, or that because you are a daughter/son you can do it for free. It costs...boy, does it cost. Also, the things we caregivers don't talk about is the cost to self. I cared for Mom for almost 5 years. I worked before I cared for her and found after her death I couldn't find a job in the same field. Companies thought I had been gone too long and my skill sets had become "rusty." Not having the routine that I had with Mom for so long when she passed left me anxious and lost. That required grief therapy. Being on "call" 24/7 left me with a 4 hour sleep pattern. Yep, sleep therapy has tried to fix that...no luck yet. My husband and I hadn't been alone for 5 years, and we had run out of savings taking care of what it really cost to have Mom in the house. Those are the "things" the siblings will never realize. While I loved having Mom here, and she was happy until she passed, I will always have a different experience of her last years than my siblings will. We will never see eye to eye about anything concerning her and that is okay. They however, are also something I lost. We now have no relationship. In hindsight I wish I would have had more in writing because siblings do change their tune regardless of whether you think they will or won't. In the end her care was really between her and I, as long as she was able to make a decision she did until the end, and that was her right. It superseded anything my siblings wanted or could do. Good luck to you. Take the time to put what you are doing in writing and re-evaluate what you are doing as time moves forward that way you will be covered and up to date. Find out what a "reasonable" rate is for your time, and the expense of having her there. That isn't being mean, or not being a good daughter/son, it is just being factual. I found out in the end that the cost for Mom was really closer to the $6000 a month. Siblings won't know that because they are uninvolved and have their own lives. They don't know how much it takes because she isn't in their home.

It's hard to understand family members who are furious about quality care being provided to an elder, but it is not unusual. People who can't help out may express many emotions that don't help in a difficult situation.

A Caregiver Contract can save a loved one from a nursing home admission, and save the Caregiver from much grief.  Without a written agreement, family members may be setting themselves up for problems.  Here's why:

Without a written agreement, the family member(s) providing the care are vulnerable. A Caregiver Contract recognizes and rewards the time and effort that you give to care, and it helps to prevent arguments and misunderstandings among other family members who can't or won't help.

Another reason: the elder (and others people involved in care such as physicians and health care providers) aren't sure about who is responsible to maintain the needed level of care. Are you the person who is designated as Health Care Agent? Is there a Power of Attorney document that designates you are the person responsible for managing assets? A Caregiver Contract can list the organization of care and other services that are being paid for.

Finally, without a written agreement, the elder who pays you for care could be disqualified from Medicaid coverage if they need nursing home care in the future. Medicaid could consider payments to family members as being "disqualifying transfers."

If you talk with an Elder Law Attorney in your state, the Attorney can prepare a Caregiver Contract that is compliant with Medicaid regulations in your state, to document the compensation and services in a format that Medicaid can understand and accept. 

If the elder is competent to sign the Contract, or if there is an agent designated in a Power of Attorney document who can sign the Contract, the Contract can be an effective way to manage details, so you can focus your energy on the needs of the person you are caring for.

No don't you feel greedy! I work FT and care for my Mom with Lewy Body Dementia (she is a handfull!) all by myself. I do everything for her. I take what I need to pay the bills. She moved in with me 4 years ago and my expenses went through the roof. My brother does nothing and never questioned me using her ss. If I had to put her in a nursing home it would run $4000 a month (base cost). She gets one on one care with me. I would put together a list of everything you do and the time it takes. I mean everything,including laundry,cooking meals,etc. If you had to bring an aid in it would cost a lot. You are a bargain! Let them price some agencies out. They will most definitely change their tune. So sorry your feeling this way,I know how hard it is.

When my mother was alive, she implored me to take $20 a week to pay for the gas I was using to drive from my home to hers twice a week, and I continued to do so until she got on Medicaid and into a nursing home. I bought all her groceries and toiletries, cooked for her, cleaned for her, and on occasion I would skim a little off the top for a few things for me and my family - maybe enough for a pizza since I had little time to cook as time went by . She was always generous, I must say, but I didn't take terrible advantage. I was the only caregiver in the family, her only visitor. I also kept every receipt in a shopping bag in case it was needed. But no one ever questioned me how I was using some of her funds, there WAS no one to question me.

Kittysue I just did the exact same thing you are asking about. My Mom was living by herself and I would drive 3 hrs every other weekend to check on her. She was diagnosed with dementia but still able to take care of herself I thought. When I got a call from her neighbor telling me she drove her car through the garage door I knew then she needed help. I also discovered she drove her car into the side of her favorite eating establishment. I decided then this couldn't continue and packed her up and moved her in with me. My brother lived 7 miles from her but didn't take the time to do welfare checks on her. My younger brother lived out of state. They both got bent out of shape because I didn't ask them but they did say just put her in a NH. It took me 18 months to finally realize it was OK to get $800 a month. I quit my job, lost my insurance, gave up my social life and so much more but wouldn't have done it any other way. In the last 3 months they've seen Mom once and one now lives 45 minutes away and is in town frequently and the other brother is now back in Texas and lives 3 hours away! No call at Christmas but texted me and told me to tell her Merry Christmas! I decided after researching costs of inhouse care $200 a week was fine! I've kept both brothers in the loop with her health and everything that involves her. I didn't ask their permission, I just sent them an email and told them what was going to take place. I was surprised there wasn't a rebuttal. One brother responded with thanks for the update and the other didn't respond at all. I'm the oldest but my brothers try to bully me and if the older brother disagrees then you can bet the younger one will too! BTW, Mom has a nice income and I've made sure her finances stay in check. I'm also my Moms DPOA and executor! There is so much more to this but I'm sure I've already bored many! Don't worry about the siblings! They're the one with the issues not you! It took me 18 months to realize this!

If your mom's only receive SSI, you can be her Caregiver depending on what state your in. Also call 211 and they might can direct you to other sources that can help you and help fix your house. They're are churches in some area that's good at coming to Elderly homes, painting house, fixing whatever they can fix. Try to pray for your siblings. My mom's deeded her house to me and after she died, I added my baby sister (I didn't know she was that big of a thief) name on as co owner (house was for all 7 siblings) and allowed her to stay while I returned to Texas, (I couldn't find work in Moms city) I wasn't gone 5 months and she forged my name off the deed, said I gave her the house. I had to put the police in her life (yes I felt bad). So you call around and start asking questions and write them down. That's how you channel your angry. That's if their not over your mother. Praying for you and your family. Amen

I believe an elder lawyer can help you. You need things in writing & take into consideration inflation, additional needs/expenses. Let the 2 of you come up with an amount. If your siblings don't like it, let your Mother handle them! Stay strong.

I am so glad to be reading these responses. My sisters all live nearby and don't call or visit. Have never thanked me for the 24/7 care I give our Mother. Say I should have put her in a home. I have lived with Mom for past 6 years. House was in disrepair and looked like hoarder hell do to sister and niece living here and never cleaning. They moved out because I was too demanding. No one worked but me. Mom had bad fall. I retired early (65) did not plan to for financial reasons. Mom made me POA and gave me the house. Sisters freaked out! Mom and I both on SS only. Sister who had joint account with Mom (why?) for last 20-30 years. Only mom used account for SS deposits to pay bills. Sister on account confiscated account and claimed fraud on debit card charges I used for medical supplies and mom's health insurance etc. Claims I used Mom's money! I did with Mom's permission while I had about 6 months of no income till my SS kicked in. I have used all my 401k to care for the 2 of us. No washer or dryer in house due to hoarder basement! $1200 I paid to empty it! Meanwhile Mom had bowel obstruction. Now has feeding tube and colostomy. Hospital bed in living room for last 2 years where I sleep on sofa next to her. My mother had no money and neither did I. My sisters allcame out of the woodwork when Mom was in hospice at hospital due to meds evaluation! They thought she was dieing----that is when they grabbed bank account and pissed off I have POA & house. Feeling a little better yet? Threatened me with fraud, police report etc etc. I was devastated. I take excellent care of my mother. Every nurse or aide or anyone can see that! I sit and hold her hand through the rough times! I should be still working but can not. I am the oldest of 5 girls. I promised Mom she would never be in a home. She is comfy and well cared for. My sisters put no value on what I do daily. I pay nursing care if I need to go out. Minimum is 4 hours to get a nurse in. $20-25 per hour. I pay for this out of my pocket. Never see a dime from any of them. No visit for Christmas. Asking your siblings or Mom for a lousy $200 a week????? It should be $1000. They, "the Ungratefuls" should be ashamed of themselves! Let them do what we do, out of love and care, for a week!!! They won't. See a good lawyer and get somethings in writing and to hell with them if they don't like it!!!! Let me tell you what I don't like.....emptying a colostomy bag and a Foley bag & not having freedom to leave the house. Screw what they "don't like"!!!! Sorry. I am venting my anger! You should too!

I went to an elder care lawyer and drew up a contract which mom signed to pay me $1000 a month for her rent and care. Now her needs have increased and the elder care lawyer drew up a new contract which gives me $2000 - $2500 a month for her care. You deserve to be paid. It is compensation for your work, not greed.

I agree with everyone that a care contract has to be set up, preferably by a lawyer. If you don't have a contract, than if anyone disputes this - it is your word against theirs. If you think for one minute that your siblings may retaliate and take legal action against you - have a care contract professionally done. Also be a good record keeper. Keep track of everything you have done, paid for, used mom's money for etc.

Any money you mother gives you outside of a contract can be perceived as a gift from Medicaid - if the time comes where she will need it. So that is another concern.

There are always the siblings who do nothing while the parents are alive, but become quite active when it concerns their inheritance.

My sister and her significant other moved in with mom for one month. She said she wanted mom's house for caring for her. In the meantime, mom paid for all groceries and the bills. She got upset with mom and moved out 3 days before Christmas! I took over. I quit my job and took care of mom full-time. I did this because I loved her. I didn't ask for anything in return. My sister had mom pay for her gas to go to work! What a sham. Mom passed away in 2016. I never asked mom to pay me for visiting her. I never asked her for anything. It is what we are suppose to do as their children. Mom moved into AL and loved it there. The cost was high (in my estimation) but she was happy. I wouldn't have changed anything. By the way...when mom passed away, 3 weeks later I received a text asking when the money would be split! How awful.

Wow. They are vacant ghosts you call family when they have only cared to visit twice in 7 years! Your mother probably needs to be in an AL facility... $200. per week is a pitance for full time care... even though you love your mother.

Your syblings are the greedy ones..I cared for my profoundly handicapped wife for two years 24/7 with only two breaks weekly of 4 hours each and had a heart attack after two years..(I remember getting up four times and more a night to assist her getting onto the bedside commode.. I could not get my rest.

Please send them some or all of the comments in this thread..

Grace + Peace,
Bob

First, I think $200 a day is not enough!
Second I think you need a contract drawn up detailing what you can and can not do, what you will and will not do.
Also make sure that Homeowners insurance will cover personal injuries.
When I was paying caregivers for my husband I was paying between $15.00 an hour and $20.00 an hour.
the other thing that you need to add to the contract is living arrangements. Are you going to live there? Will there be someone with your Mom at night? If so that will be an added cost and will be more than what you will be paid.
If you are going to live in will you be using what it would cost for your personal living expenses, rent, food, heat, electric...as part of your pay?

And what of your personal life? Do you have family? significant other? children? pets? belongings? if so where do all these people and things get placed on your priority list?
This is a big decision.
If you decide to do this PLEASE enter into this like you would any job, a contract outlining your job, days off, what happens if you are sick or injured.

Take the money you deserve it for all the hard work you have to do.The siblings have no say in this.

Absolutely you ARE NOT being greedy. As others pointed out, that is fair compensation and a bargain to your siblings. If you counted in another 30% or more for benefits (vacation, healthcare, 401K) considering these are benefits you might get for a paid position (40hrs/wk) on the outside -- then they should consider what you are giving up for mom's care. If they were my siblings, I'd point it out.